I need a solution. Preferably a final one.......

[PC Troone Copenseethe]

We have seagulls that have pecked a hole in the paint work of my car about 8cm in diameter. It's going to cost hundreds to get resprayed. My decking out in my garden looks like a fucking plasterers radio, I've lost count of how many times I've power washed it. But, the worst thing was when I had my baby nephew round and while I was inside getting something to drink, I heard him start crying really hard. I look out of the window and a seagull was pecking at his arms trying to the ice lolly (popsicle) off him.

Since I'm in the UK, the fucking flying rats are protected as you all know, we can't even have a pea shooter, never mind an air rifle. . We've tried bird scaring kites, shiny holographic tape. I was told that soaking bread in vodka and crushed up ibuprofen would fuck their livers, but so far nothing has worked. I even tried rat poison in the bread ffs.

Anyone got the recipe for seagull Zyklon B? I'm waging Total Seagull death on the fuckers.

 

[Tablet County]

Consider ovens with wooden doors. Maybe a roller coaster to ferry them inside?

 

[Poppavalyim Andropoff]

mix baking soda & peanut butter into pea sized pellets & leave out for them.
the baking soda expands & blows their guts out. also good for rodents ect too.
safe for dogs & humans ect cause well their guts are bigger.

 

[Aunt Carol]

We've tried bird scaring kites, shiny holographic tape.

I haven't tried this, but an acquaintance with a boat said that seagulls will stay away from a dead seagull... ...and it works so well that you can buy fake dead seagulls specifically made for that purpose.

He had a couple fake seagull corpses hanging by the feet on his boat and the seagulls stopped gathering and pooping.

Regardless it's pretty metal.

 

[Nero Fiddled]

I haven't tried this, but an acquaintance with a boat said that seagulls will stay away from a dead seagull... ...and it works so well that you can buy fake dead seagulls specifically made for that purpose.

He had a couple fake seagull corpses hanging by the feet on his boat and the seagulls stopped gathering and pooping.

Some of the older farmers in the village I live in do this with rooks, not fake ones though.

 

[Sneaky lurker]

how do i have sex with middle aged english women

We have seagulls that have pecked a hole in the paint work of my car about 8cm in diameter. It's going to cost hundreds to get resprayed.

just mix mercury in with your car paint duh

 

[Levi]

mix baking soda & peanut butter into pea sized pellets & leave out for them.
the baking soda expands & blows their guts out. also good for rodents ect too.
safe for dogs & humans ect cause well their guts are bigger.

I recall something a deranged school mate from decades ago once said he did to some poor seagulls. He'd crush up Alka-seltzers tablets scattering them all around and also threw out some leftover food drenched in vinegar. So I guess that works too.

 

[oldTireWater]

Ukrainian vets might have some effective ideas. Unfortunately, they may rely more on netting, shotguns, and hiding heat signatures than you'll be able or willing to commit to.

 

[Pastry Man]

Start by putting Seagulls in the title somewhere

 

[Two Frogs]

As I understand it in the UK you can kill even a person and only get a slap on the wrist, so kill as many seagulls as possible before they catch you.

 

[Avroboros]

As I understand it in the UK you can kill even a person and only get a slap on the wrist

That's only if you're muslim.. So publically convert to islam and have the chief of police blow your dick.

 

[Gunty King]

Repaint car with lead paint so if the seagulls peck at it again they'll die of lead poisoning

 

[Kill Mitts]

Since I'm in the UK

you're going to end up in prison mate

 

[spacko]

you can craft this bad boy with just 2 feathers and 2 leather

 

[31 Black]

Get a personal murder of crows to fight alongside you. I've seen the two face off against each other for perches, and the crows usually win.

mix baking soda & peanut butter into pea sized pellets & leave out for them.
the baking soda expands & blows their guts out. also good for rodents ect too.
safe for dogs & humans ect cause well their guts are bigger.

It's also safe for us because we can burp out the excess air, whereas birds can't.

 

[PC Troone Copenseethe]

Thanks for the tips guys. I'm going to try a couple of these. The plastic dead seagull sounds like it works, but I'd rather it was a real dead one. I'm off to look for some of the Alka Seltzer.

 

[PC Troone Copenseethe]

Start by putting Seagulls in the title somewhere

What can I say? Click bait works.

 

[Wot Zit Too Yah0996]

Your only solution is to save up and move to some place in the Orkneys, or Inner Hebrides, or Outer Hebrides. I forget which...

Anyway, what I'm saying is, they eat seagulls as a delicacy over there. Well, their claws, but I like to think people would eat the entire bird, too.

 

[evergreenrider]

Get a personal murder of crows to fight alongside you. I've seen the two face off against each other for perches, and the crows usually win.

It's also safe for us because we can burp out the excess air, whereas birds can't.

Seagulls are 2x the size of crows. I used to give peanuts to a massive murder of crows at work on a daily basis. The few gulls in the vicinity would bully the crows and swipe the nuts if they saw it happening. Hate seagulls they're rat fuck pigeons on peptides and GH