How do I win at chess?

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There's literally nothing in the rules that says you can't punch your opponent in the face.

Also play chess960/Fischerandom so you're instantly out of book instead of encyclopedically reciting memorized openings like rain man.
 
You cannot win chess by playing by its rules otherwise you end up with Magnus Carlson autism or Garry Kasparov Putin Derangement Syndrome, it's like jumping into a pit of nuclear waste expecting yourself to become spiderman. The only way you can truly win is to replace your pieces with a main battle tank and drive it over the other player's pieces, as well as them.
 
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