How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

It's called "going for a drive", buddy.
This was actually good advice, thanks! I did it with the perspective "this is my allotted 'sad time' when I am free to be a complete weak mess, and I'll stop in ten minutes and get back to work" and I focused a lot better afterwards. Still feels pathetic given my relatives survived some real horrors and never cried and were always very flat, calm and strong, but I guess it came out in other ways. Like my oma never cried, but she refused to have brown rice or tapioca starch in the house because it was all she was fed in the IJA camp and it triggered her, in the original sense of triggering a panic attack, not the SJW sense of throwing a tantrum when someone uses accurate pronouns. We millennials really are the weakest generation, man.
 
Been dealing with the inevitable loss of a close relative diagnosed with cancer and in terminal stage. Doctor gave two weeks tops.

Death isn't something that we're prepared for. Ever. Be it someone else's or our own and there's nothing we can do to stop it and the more you try to avoid or deny it, the worse it is in the long run.

I only have a personal dream left but as I reach 30, I find it very unlikely for it to become true.

With few surviving relatives and absolutely no prospect of being with someone in the foreseeable future, as this was never something that would ever come to be, I gotta be prepared to deal with life alone until my last breath.

Anyone under these circumstances would feel sad, forlorn and depressed, but I kinda stopped giving a fuck about life a long time ago. "Numb" would be the word for what I'm feeling right now.

I have no clue of what's going to become of me from now on. Loneliness isn't something new to me, but it gets stronger over time.
Well, today was said relative's wake and I, along with other family members, were there to mourn. Ended up not shedding a tear because I already had accepted their demise, but can't say the same for the rest.

I, for once, am not afraid of death. All we are is dust in the wind, as a certain song goes. Now my life goes on as those who already passed away done their time here in this world. Their story came to an end, mine haven't, although I know how it will end.

Situations like these makes me wonder about relatives and couples who quarrel with each other over silly issues. You never know when it'll be the last time you'll see that person, so don't go expecting things you shouldn't from others and learn to live past misunderstandings behind. Otherwise, when that person is gone, you'll regret it.

As for myself, after numerous failed attempts and rejections, nothing in life has convinced me I'll ever have a partner because I'm such a loner that I've already got used to it and, unfortunately, I can't make anyone fall in love with me or whatever. It's always been like this and always will.

This relative died surrounded by people and had people mourn them. I don't think the same will happen to me, as older relatives will go one by one and I'll be pretty much the only one left.

The takeaway being, learn how to cherish people around you and don't take relationships for granted. You'll likely won't stand the loneliness.
 
I need a backwoods wine cigar, and a nice DeKuyper Triple Sec. I do not have those.

I would eat a bullet rn if I had one. But it's not worth it. Would be funny though.
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As for myself, after numerous failed attempts and rejections, nothing in life has convinced me I'll ever have a partner because I'm such a loner that I've already got used to it and, unfortunately, I can't make anyone fall in love with me or whatever. It's always been like this and always will.
You got that right. Who needs one anyway? It's not fucking worth the damn, unless you find "the one"™️. The only one that's left for us would be God, but I don't really feel His love sometimes.

Fuck 2026. This whole decade is a clusterfuck. Fuck it all.

The worst thing about being an adult is moments like I had this July 4th, just never last. They'll all probably be a haze compared to the memories of my childhood. I'm a complete failure. Maybe it'll get better when I turn the ship around. For now, I'm as much of a friendless loser as I was when I graduated. I have nothing to show for. I've wasted every opportunity I had, and more. It's over. If I had the guts to ice myself right now I really would. I should've killed myself in 2024. Forever 19. At least I can probably make a forever 27 instead.
 
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Rant aside, there's so much more to life than this rat race with relationships we assign ourselves to from an early age.
 
You got that right. Who needs one anyway? It's not fucking worth the damn, unless you find "the one"™️.
I march on alone towards a lonely death. Maybe some will say "it ain't like that" but I can't see it any other way. Perhaps, I, in my resentment, without realizing, have built a fortress around myself and don't know how to get out, but I kinda had it coming.

My body being found after days I've passed away, already decomposing and being found coincidentally by the stench of rotting flesh is a death rather suitable for people like me. It wouldn't be undeserving.
 
I march on alone towards a lonely death. Maybe some will say "it ain't like that" but I can't see it any other way. Perhaps, I, in my resentment, without realizing, have built a fortress around myself and don't know how to get out, but I kinda had it coming.

My body being found after days I've passed away, already decomposing and being found coincidentally by the stench of rotting flesh is a death rather suitable for people like me. It wouldn't be undeserving.
I'm inclined to agree with your position since I think the same sometimes, but I recommend trying to obtain friends at the very least before you perish.

“We all need friends partner, We die alone but we live amongst men.”
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