Currently have two jobs, making more money than I ever have (if I even said something in the range of the number I'd feel like the biggest sham, how do I make this much?), putting money into savings even while taking vacations and having good times with the kids...
And I'm terrified all the time.
Being the breadwinner is such a scary thing. And you can't really talk about it with anyone. I know all this AI shit is a bubble and my sector is doomed. I know my main full-time job is probably on borrowed time. And the part-time extra job, well, the boss might have AI psychosis, and navigating that is...tricky. My full-time job is awful and stressful and I hate it entirely, but I just started less than a year ago and don't want to have it be a short stint on my resume. The part-time job keeps dangling the possibility of me going full-time but I absolutely do not trust that for a moment.
You don't need to worry, people tell me. Ever since I went back to school and got my degree, I have always been good at getting new jobs when I'm out a job. And even if I lost my job and couldn't find one that paid as much, even if we had to downsize our house we have enough equity to damn near buy a smaller place in a less desirable area not too far from us in cash. Probably wouldn't have a pool, but we'd live and maybe put one in when times got better. But my thoughts are totally filled with fears of "the other shoe drops."
At least I have good life insurance policies so that if the other shoe really did drop, my family would be able to keep going.
I always thought if I built all these backstops into my life, I'd finally stop dwelling on the idea that it could all be taken away in an instant. But every year that the kids get more used to our current lifestyle, I dread even more the idea of backsliding on that. I came of age in real, deep poverty, the kind where you treat your own medical and dental problems because you have no way to pay anyone to fix them and don't want to be in debt. The kind where you check the couch cushions for change because if you could scrounge up enough you might be able to get a couple packets of ramen after burning dinner and having no alternative food in the house (nope, no change, had to eat the charred dry chicken, it tasted like charcoal smells).
And I guess I'll never really get over it. That's what I've realized. I don't even think winning the lottery would ever make me get over it. There'd always be the feeling that maybe something terrible would happen and it would all go away. A taste of honey's worse than none at all.
I fully expect to be back here in a matter of weeks to months discussing how shitty I feel about losing one or both of my jobs, and how hopeless. Til then, I'll be worrying about it!
