Helping someone recover from a horrible life situation? - Took a family member out of Cali, and want help taking Cali out of the family member

FrigginWeeb

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19 de Jun, 2019
So recently one of my family members was stuck in a hellhole in california, living in a poly relationship in a spot police kindly refer to as felony flats. Had some dickweed controlling every part of her life from who she can talk to, to going outside, to if she can cut her hair or not, very cultish far left hippie commune stuff. It's left her a bit traumatized since this went on for almost six years. I'm wondering, has anyone else had any experience pulling a family member out of a shit situation? Any tips on helping them reach some sort of normal? Help them get a job after 5+ years of zero work experience? Hiding/internet info scrubbing to hide online from the people she left?
 
The only advice I have is to stay offline permanently. Leave zero comments anywhere, participate in no communities whatsoever online, period. In fact almost everybody would benefit from that practice.
The rest is going to be up to her, just getting her mind right. Setting goals. Having high standards. Avoiding losers. She could go into therapy and identify the mistakes and clues she failed to pick up on that led her to that lifestyle, and learn how to move past that and not get stuck in that damaged area of her life, if that makes sense. Learn from it and move on. Avoid substances to mask feelings. If all else fails, volunteer work always helps if someone can’t get their head out of their own ass, lol.
 
How exactly did she get out of the situation? You say she was "took out", rather than she had a moment of clarity and realized she needed to change things.

The answer to your questions rely entirely on her mindset and how she came to be where she is now.
This is important. If she was forcably taken out she may try to escape and go back. If she had a moment of clarity and wanted to get out look into cult deprogramming stuff. that could help her adjust to a normal life. Like others have said leave the internet completely.
 
I have an unfortunate amount of history and experience in this field due to my work and if you want to PM me so we can get more into specific things without getting TMI neg-rated to hell, be my guest.

The first point of note is that there is a MASSIVE risk that should NOT be understated that someone will run back to their oppressors. Even if they seem to show awareness now. They can do a 180 within 48 hours. This mostly happens due to overwhelm and sunk cost fallacy. When you're in the cult you're a winner with all the answers, everything controlled- when you leave the cult you're a loser with people saying you were wrong about everything, and now you don't know where to go or what to do or how to coup your losses. A single text or call from someone still in the cult saying, "You can still come back", could be enough to cause a spiral of thinking, and then they run away in the night right back to that shitty cult setting. Promises of drugs, sex, or access to friends (even children) who are still part of, or orbiting, the cult can also be reasons to flee back.

To counter this I would recommend her having some sort of emotional responsibility or tie, wherever she is: a small pet to take care of. A fish tank. An aerogarden or plants in general. A project of redecorating the room she's now in. Helping housemates with chores or cooking etc. If you feel like you're not really home and you can pack your bag and leave without a thought of having left anything behind.... it's a lot easier to run away.

You might think trying to get her to attend a church or other belief-oriented place right away could "fill the void" but most people that I've seen have strong negative reactions. Churches are going to assume you already are a believer and it clashes horribly if you still have your cult beliefs around in your head and someone is up there yelling things you've been told are evil to think about. Very confusing, overwhelming. It would be better to start with someone like going to a non-worship focused church function like a picnic or block party or book group. Or non-worship related places in general like activities that might be hosted at your library, or fun physical classes at the gym like cycling or water aerobics or yoga.

For a man I'd probably say get back to work as soon as possible but for (most) women I'd say you'd want to try some social connection-building like those things I just listed first. Getting a job while feeling like a social failure kinda sets women up for failure within the workplace, because if you hate your coworkers, you're going to hate and struggle with working. You could get a very solitary job, but then you're going to feel incredibly isolated. Just two months or so where the only thing she does is help go grocery shopping and do chores at home, go to the library twice a week, and go to therapy, should hopefully build a lot of esteem.

If you can get some sort of job through personal connections- working for someone she actually knows or can be properly introduced to, and will also be understanding of the situation, that's ideal, but not everyone can do that.

I would highly recommend some sort of case management i.e. social work for a situation like this. This could come from the Center for Human Resources (as well as therapy) or it could come from job coaching (especially if she's unwilling to see doctors/therapists) or from a job company that helps people in tricky situations like this get back to work- you'd have to look locally for what's in your area. Most places have some job company, typically least partially funded by the government, that helps NEETs and felons and ex-cons and cripples get work they can actually do. Everyone can get a job in this economy. Keeping it is another thing, but everyone can get one.

Starting with volunteer work might also be a good option: you can typically have very part-time hours, nothing bad typically happens if you no-show, the work is often easy or emotionally fulfilling, and it can also be a way to make references and connections to put on a resume. It breaks that gap in the resume and shows you've been doing something recently.

Get her a new phone number. I see so many times, people don't change their phone number. So they block, then unblock, the people they shouldn't be talking to. If you just get a new phone number, it's not up to your feeling anymore- the other person doesn't know your number and can't text you. Get her a security system if you can afford it, too, like a Ring doorbell. I've seen some scary things when cult members find out where the ex-member lives, and starts stalking them- it's very hard to get police to do anything without hard evidence like video.

The term to google is "exit counseling." Any therapist she sees should hopefully be an exit counselor. I strongly recommend the book "Combatting Cult Mind Control: The #1 Best-selling Guide to Protection, Rescue, and Recovery from Destructive Cults" by Steven Hassan, but I don't recommend giving her the book, at least in full, unless she's really far along in recovery (doesn't sound like it), because it can just be really overwhelming and dizzying.

Avoid 10 step meetings like the devil. They are already cult-adjacent and breeding grounds for networking between bad actors. I don't know if drugs or other addictions were involved, but assuming they were: I do not believe addicts need to hang around with other addicts or that it's very productive for healing, in fact it's usually the opposite. All crabs in a bucket, making one another lapse. Someone who has been in one cult is a high risk for being abused again. Don't let her join any MLMs (barely legal pyramid schemes.) This is not a good way to make money nor community.


TLDR:

1) Be aware of the risk that she'll attempt to flee back to the cult.
2) Build attachment to her current home by helping her settle in and build responsibilities, so that she can't just pack a suitcase and leave with nothing tying her down.
3) Become non-political and non-opinionated for a while. People tend to freak out if faced with strong ideologies (churches, political news, etc) because of their cult brainwashing, even if they aren't part of the cult anymore and acknowledge it was wrong. Healthy ways to build social connection could involve activities at library or local YMCA or gym.
4) Find case management or some other professional help like a job agency. In terms of therapy, find an exit counselor. Consider starting with volunteer work or getting a job through a personal connection so she doesn't feel like an abject failure who has thrown her life into the gutter to be a bagger at Walmart working for strangers who don't understand.
5) Help her avoid scams and further exploitation, she is high risk to obtain a new controlling abusive boyfriend, or have an evil drug dealer, or join an MLM and go into massive debt, etc.

My final note is that sometimes people come out of cults dressing and looking weird as fuck. This typically isn't literal cult robes (although it can be), but often very "alt" "scene" or "heroin junkie" looks. From experience, if you literally just buy these people new clothes, they'll wear them and be all the better for it- an immediate boost in social rapport when in public. But they will never buy these clothes themselves at first. It's some sort of paralysis that they can't change their look or don't know how to shop for themselves. Someone else has to buy the normal clothes. This may also apply to hygiene and hairstyles. They'll do it, but someone else has to say it's okay, get the supplies, and get them going. This should always be a "special gift", not a punishment or reprimand.


edit: It's an irony I see with ex-cult members that, typically, they need others to tell them what to do and guide their lives for a while- sometimes very much long-term. Learning to be independent and rebuilding a life takes a while: we're talking 2-15 years, not months. People who still have family that's willing to take on their cases are the lucky ones.
 
Última edición:
Does she actually want to be rescued?
Yes, it's already done, we're just trying to figure shit out because this is uncharted territory.

How exactly did she get out of the situation? You say she was "took out", rather than she had a moment of clarity and realized she needed to change things.

The answer to your questions rely entirely on her mindset and how she came to be where she is now.
She realized after the dude she was with wouldn't even allow her to celebrate the birthday of a friend and called her selfish for wanting to leave the house and go outside that this isn't normal. Took a bit of convincing from people outside but I'm guessing there was a touch of stockholm syndrome involved.
 
I'm no expert in the rest of it, but if she has no work preference and no work history, CNA just takes a short class, clean pee and a background check. The places that hire aides are used to women rejoining the workforce after kids grew up or marriages went south. Obviously not necessary if she's e.g. an accountant who went off the rails, but LTC coworkers will be more mature types than if her alternative is fast food.
 
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