General Crimes Thread

[Gone Ham]

I have unprotected sex with my wife.

I'm sure that's a crime somewhere.

Are you black?

 

[Vingle]

I say nigger and don't refer troons as the gender they want.

 

[Anonymus Fluhre]

Are you black?

No, White German. I think that's also a crime.

 

[BlueSpark]

I use zlibrary to pirate ebooks

 

[Florence]

I like to make threats against elected officials on lolcow forums and then get visited by the feds cause I’m too dumb to include a disclaimer.

 

[Pope Negro Joe the XIIIth]

I tie people to cinder blocks and throw them in the lake still breathing with a dull butter knife and tell them hope you make it.

They never do because I throw them in really close to the dam.

 

[Lame Entropy]

I didn't fill out the census

 

[Dyn]

Here's a crime I call the "Backyard Dog Heist" what you do is you go to a neighbourhood where white people live when everyone's off at work and then you climb the fence into a backyard and steal their dog. Come back a day or two later and look around to see if there are lost dog signs offering a reward. If there are just return the dog and collect the reward, otherwise you can put the dog back and try a different dog. This is a great crime to do if you need a bit of extra money but it's also great if you're lonely because you can hang out with somebody elses dog for a couple of days without any commitment.

edit ; This probably also works for cats but it's harder to steal cats

 

[Lord of the Large Pants]

I own a few reduced power flashbangs.

... which is technically illegal where I live because they're classified as fireworks and are considered a misdemeanor inside city limits. Also they're being stored at my parents' house outside city limits.

I think I might be bad at this.

 

[Tetra]

I possess stolen scrap metal. and have been for over 10 years.
Needless to say i'm one of the most prolific criminals of all time. I'm basically committing a crime that can land you life in prison every day by just holding onto scrap metal

 

[Dyn]

Okay this crime I just heard about and haven't tried yet but it looks really good, I call it the "@drfrog caper". What you do is you buy a box of blank CDs and stand on a sidewalk where a lot of white people are and wait for a really weak, socially awkward white person to try and get past you. When you've found your 'mark' (victim) you go right up in his face and glare at him and demand he buys one of your CDs. Make sure you pick out a really weak, frightened little guy with no backbone, that way you can ask for $20 or whatever ridiculous price you want because he'll be too scared to say no. Obviously though if he says 'no' then you just leave him alone and let him keep walking because it's broad daylight and nothing was going to happen to him.

 

[Mongo0o]

Loading up drives with media and selling on Craigslist for a few hundred. Also selling burned DVDR's of new cam rips.

 

[Arminius]

I view and mock OnlyFans content without paying for it.

 

[Not Really Here]

I downloaded and seeded a video and now I can't visit New Zealand.

 

[Jewthulhu]

I jaywalk sometimes

 

[Just A Butt]

I verbally abuse kittens, in public.

 

[Figger Nucker]

I killed a woman behind an Arby's in a drunken rage in 1992.

 

[Spunt]

I have a copy of Eric Clapton's 1993 album Journeyman on CD-R, which I got in exchange for burning a friend a copy of Appetite for Destruction in about 1998. Neither record company or artist earned a single penny from that transaction, so according to Lars Ulrich that pretty much makes me Don Corleone.

Crime doesn't pay kids, you might end up with a really boring Eric Clapton album.

 

[Megaroad 2012]

Here's a good crime to do, dress your wife up really nice and have her pick up a businessman in an airport hotel and then when they go up to his room you burst in shouting at him for trying to fuck your wife and threatening to fight him and he'll be so distracted by trying not to fight you he won't notice when your wife takes his wallet and leaves with it. You can't do this is in the same hotel many times because they put you on a list.

Isn't this a part in Yakuza 3?

 

[Desu Vult]

I stole an old lock from a campus door when I was in elementary school.

I also stole a copy of the book Holes by Louis Sachar from my teacher's bookshelf in 6th grade.

Well that's elementary school. I don't remember whats the age where kids should develop empathy and a sense of right or wrong and such.

What I do know is that when I was in middle school, I did the right thing and gifted a bunch of people cheap 5 buck locks, complete with a piece of dog chain, delivered right onto their doors. I also fortified the cheap shitty locks in my schoolhouse with superglue.