Kinda Catholic in identity here (comes from being an immigrant) but I've had enormous questions about the religion since childhood. I don't go to mass, but I do go and sit in church sometimes, reasons for which I don't really have the words to describe.
I was brought up Catholic, so the religion and the way it affects everyday life feels like just another part of me, rather than something I actively choose to do. I like the rituals of the religion, the way it's always the same - you can go to mass pretty much anywhere and even if it's not in your language it's always the same thing. The church is somewhere that feels homely, peaceful and safe somehow. We learnt all the prayers and hymns from childhood, so they kinda fall off the tongue without really thinking what they're about. And that's kinda what caused the problem, for me. Cos when I really started thinking about what it was I was saying and reading, I wasn't sure I believed it. And that feels really awful somehow, even now, as though I'm disrespecting my family and all the other people from my nationality who struggled to keep their identity in a foreign country.
I don't really believe in God (I don't want to say I don't, just in case I'm wrong and when I kick the bucket he's gonna be standing there saying 'who's the idiot now, huh?'). When I read the bible and sat in religious education classes in (Catholic) school, I just found myself thinking that everything described in the religion seemed to be an attempt to make sense of the way nature ('life') rules the world around us. Humans are amazing things, but there's so much we don't know and can't make sense of. We can kill things in a thousand ways, but we still can't create life in a lab from nothing (in vitro fertilisation not included, if you know what I mean). That's frightening for us as a race. Science is now catching up with explanations for many things, of course, but before science really had a place in people's minds, the explanation for a lot of natural phenomena was 'god's will'. I also recognised that the structure of Catholicism being basically a guide to how to live your life correctly was a method of social control, one that probably worked very well in the days before democratic government and the police. Not saying that any of this is a bad thing. It has its place, and if it works for people, that's fine. I just remember sitting in class and feeling really uncomfortable because I didn't believe the stuff I was being taught, and I didn't want to argue with the teacher over it.
That's the reason why I don't feel able to go to mass. It would feel like I was lying. The ritual might be reassuring, but I'd be lying to the people around me, and it feels like I'd just be taking the piss out of their beliefs. Yet I still love the peace of the church, the acceptance, the way that if you want to talk over anything at all with a priest you can do so. It feels like I'm turning my back on the thing that accepted me, and it feels a bit uncomfortable. But I can't carry on saying prayers whose words I don't believe in, or asking for things from a god that I'm not sure exists. I believe in nature, life as an amazing force still only partially explained by science, and I see Catholicism as a method of attempting to understand that force. It feels uncomfortable to go to mass or to really call myself a Catholic when I believe that, I dunno. It's complicated by the way religion was so tied to nationality and identity throughout my childhood, and that's probably the main reason why I still regard myself as Catholic despite my reservations. That's probably wrong somehow, but it's the messy reality of how religion works in the world, I guess.
I don't think you need to make a decision to leave a religion if you're questioning (it's kinda difficult to officially leave Catholicism anyway!). Is it worth talking your feelings over with your parish priest? You probably know him best so will know if that's a good idea or not (some can be more dogmatic than others). Obviously he's going to be a believer, but many are used to people questioning or wavering in their faith. If you have questions about the bible, a priest is probably the best person to discuss it with. The bible was written by many different people over many years, and it's not always possible to take scripture at face value (despite what some may say).
