- Registrado
- 6 de Sep, 2017
Trigger Warning: Emo
It would be somewhat of a lie to say that I don't feel anything anymore, but it wouldn't be too far off the mark. I feel the ghosts of my emotions, like I'm one or two degrees separated from my feelings. I fucking hate it. The only things I feel with any serious intensity anymore, are anger and disgust, but even those don't even hit my brain quite right. I'm fuckin' numb, and people always say I'm a great stoic, but I fucking hate myself for being this way. Detaching yourself from your emotions is only useful if everyone else is doing it too. There's genuinely nothing left in this world for me. I could advance in my career and make a ton of money, have a nice relationship or two, drive expensive cars, own more land, and climb Mt. Everest, but none of that is going to make me happy. None of that is going to make me feel like I am welcomed or that I belong in this world, and even on the rare occasion in which that does happen, it does not register. I wake up. I am angry about being awake. I swear at least four times before I leave my bedroom. I skip breakfast. I go to work. I go home. I do some shit. I get tired. My head hits the pillow. My brain screams "WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT". I fall asleep. I wake up.
I live a mundane life, in a shit-backwards world, I do what is expected of me, and I yearn for things that probably would never improve my mood. This, it seems, is the prison I've built for myself.
While taking a shit the other day, I had an epiphany. I have serious 1990s nostalgia. The show 'Dinosaurs', with that horrifying baby puppet, the smiling faces on Full House, SEGA Genesis, Bill Clinton playing the sax. Everything was looking up, all the way to 9/11. I mulled over that for a bit, until I realized that the smiling faces on TV, the optimism for the future, the nice white household with a contingent family structure, all of that shit was at minimum, a little bit fake. Sure, there was a tremendous amount more optimism in the public than there ever could be now, and we were in an almost completely post-racial state in society, but all that feel-good ABC's TGIF family hour shit was fake. The difference is that it was easier to believe than the boy-molesting, tranny-twerking, globohomo marketing trainwreck culture we're in today. I was conditioned by birth to operate in a society that never existed in earnest, and certainly never will now that everyone's at each other's goddamn throats, thanks to an all-side propaganda assault on people's senses. That womps pretty hard, bud. I still miss the 90s. I want to believe the lie again. I want to look forward to the future. Too bad there's no way to properly reconcile this.
It would be somewhat of a lie to say that I don't feel anything anymore, but it wouldn't be too far off the mark. I feel the ghosts of my emotions, like I'm one or two degrees separated from my feelings. I fucking hate it. The only things I feel with any serious intensity anymore, are anger and disgust, but even those don't even hit my brain quite right. I'm fuckin' numb, and people always say I'm a great stoic, but I fucking hate myself for being this way. Detaching yourself from your emotions is only useful if everyone else is doing it too. There's genuinely nothing left in this world for me. I could advance in my career and make a ton of money, have a nice relationship or two, drive expensive cars, own more land, and climb Mt. Everest, but none of that is going to make me happy. None of that is going to make me feel like I am welcomed or that I belong in this world, and even on the rare occasion in which that does happen, it does not register. I wake up. I am angry about being awake. I swear at least four times before I leave my bedroom. I skip breakfast. I go to work. I go home. I do some shit. I get tired. My head hits the pillow. My brain screams "WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT". I fall asleep. I wake up.
I live a mundane life, in a shit-backwards world, I do what is expected of me, and I yearn for things that probably would never improve my mood. This, it seems, is the prison I've built for myself.
While taking a shit the other day, I had an epiphany. I have serious 1990s nostalgia. The show 'Dinosaurs', with that horrifying baby puppet, the smiling faces on Full House, SEGA Genesis, Bill Clinton playing the sax. Everything was looking up, all the way to 9/11. I mulled over that for a bit, until I realized that the smiling faces on TV, the optimism for the future, the nice white household with a contingent family structure, all of that shit was at minimum, a little bit fake. Sure, there was a tremendous amount more optimism in the public than there ever could be now, and we were in an almost completely post-racial state in society, but all that feel-good ABC's TGIF family hour shit was fake. The difference is that it was easier to believe than the boy-molesting, tranny-twerking, globohomo marketing trainwreck culture we're in today. I was conditioned by birth to operate in a society that never existed in earnest, and certainly never will now that everyone's at each other's goddamn throats, thanks to an all-side propaganda assault on people's senses. That womps pretty hard, bud. I still miss the 90s. I want to believe the lie again. I want to look forward to the future. Too bad there's no way to properly reconcile this.
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