Chapter One of my story so far :)

[StreetGangsta]

I didn't read past the first paragraph.

 

[HarveyMCR]

People here are mean and that means I won't get hugboxxed



Oh damn, I thought it had a unique feel to it, granted, this is the first story of it's type that I've written.



Omg thanks x3



It has 0 formatting because I had to copy it from my school account because I liked writing it instead of paying attention

Well pay attention at school you absolute autist.

 

[Gamergirl Cleanup Crew]

Cool! Some light constructive criticism, think about choosing a different naming system because reading things like "Third from the eleventh dimension told Fourth who was from the fifth dimension about the seventh dimension" gets tangled and confusing. Also instead of the entire first chapter being a schizophrenic exposition dump you could have the setting show itself naturally, maybe through the eyes of a character that, like the audience, is unfamiliar with antioriginism, Understanding, autistic gematria etc etc. Maybe make the character trans to connect with the youth. It's very unique and creative!

 

[MarvinTheAngel]

Cool! Some light constructive criticism, think about choosing a different naming system because reading things like "Third from the eleventh dimension told Fourth who was from the fifth dimension about the seventh dimension" gets tangled and confusing. Also instead of the entire first chapter being a schizophrenic exposition dump you could have the setting show itself naturally, maybe through the eyes of a character that, like the audience, is unfamiliar with antioriginism, Understanding, autistic gematria etc etc. Maybe make the character trans to connect with the youth. It's very unique and creative!

i picked the names like that because i wanted to make a joke about the filter

I didn't read past the first paragraph.

It's not actually about internet memes for fucks sake!

 

[Fromtheblackdepths]

i picked the names like that because i wanted to make a joke about the filter



It's not actually about internet memes for fucks sake!

Hmm. I say tone down the writing in that regards. Memetic agents has already been a term for a long time.

 

[MarvinTheAngel]

Hmm. I say tone down the writing in that regards. Memetic agents has already been a term for a long time.

But that's not a funny

 

[StreetGangsta]

by the way why are you even on this website if you're not here for lolcows or A&H

 

[MarvinTheAngel]

by the way why are you even on this website if you're not here for lolcows or A&H

I'm here for lolcows I just like posting other stuff too.
What's A&H?

 

[Leonard Helplessness]

I gave the chapter a go and had to give up three-fourths of the way in. The style had moments of lucidity but the rest of the time it felt less like I was following a story and more like I was being dragged over sharp rocks by a pickup truck. I agree with what someone else said, that for something like this you need to ease the reader into your world and not just drop them onto it from a cliff and hope they don't dash against the rocks.

 

[Fromtheblackdepths]

I gave the chapter a go and had to give up three-fourths of the way in. The style had moments of lucidity but the rest of the time it felt less like I was following a story and more like I was being dragged over sharp rocks by a pickup truck. I agree with what someone else said, that for something like this you need to ease the reader into your world and not just drop them onto it from a cliff and hope they don't dash against the rocks.

Agree.

If you're serious about this, go a little bit easy with the writing/pacing.

 

[Cake Farts]

But that's not a funny

You weren’t funny to begin with. Humor lies in subtlety and implied commentary.

why are all these newfags acting like we’re reddit?

 

[José Mourinho]

I watched the first episode twice because the website that I watched it on listed it twice in the 30mins and I thought it would be a haha funny joke where it would be the same except for something

Only just the first episode?

And yeah for the most part the anime has two parts where it splits between female voice actors and male voice actors but it's usually the same.

Spoiler

Anime sucks ass though, it's Japanese Family Guy anyway

 

[Rich Evans Apologist]

Anime sucks ass though, it's Japanese Family Guy anyway

The flip book gag was respectable.
I have forgotten literally every other joke or sequence that show's ever made, though.

 

[José Mourinho]

The flip book gag was respectable.
I have forgotten literally every other joke or sequence that show's ever made, though.

To its credit, some of the jokes were pretty good and the yeah, the flip book Hellshake Yano one was very good.

But other than that, it really is just reference humor the anime or lol funny random and episodes after that flipbook Hellshake Yano moment are just unfunny.

 

[MarvinTheAngel]

Only just the first episode?

And yeah for the most part the anime has two parts where it splits between female voice actors and male voice actors but it's usually the same.

Spoiler

Anime sucks ass though, it's Japanese Family Guy anyway

Yeah my friend didn't want to watch it any longer with me

 

[HOMO FOR LIFE]

You fag.

 

[Ira the Weatherman]

Imagine wasting all that time writing obvious bait no one's going to read. Take a page out of that /lit/fag's nigger novel next time.

 

[Leonard Helplessness]

Imagine wasting all that time writing obvious bait no one's going to read. Take a page out of that /lit/fag's nigger novel next time.

You mean this one?

 

[Ira the Weatherman]

You mean this one?

Ver archivo adjunto 1946759

A Ulysses of the modern era.

 

[MarvinTheAngel]

Imagine wasting all that time writing obvious bait no one's going to read. Take a page out of that /lit/fag's nigger novel next time.

I mean I get people didn't like it, but obvious bait?