Anthony Cumia is an unfunny pedophile.
I realize this might not be breaking news for some of you. There is a long and open history of him being an unfunny pedophile. In fact, he seems to be proud of the pedophile part. Some of you might be saying, "Ralph, people get labeled a pedo falsely all the time on the internet these days, are you sure?" Yes, I'm quite certain in that belief. By the end of this read, you will be too.
I've always thought Anthony Cumia was unfunny, with a terminal case of jealousy toward the much more popular and influential Howard Stern. Yes, The Howard Stern Show sucks ass today, but that wasn't always the case. He's one of the best interviewers of his generation. His show affected pop culture and politics in ways Opie and Anthony never did, and he has hundreds of millions more dollars than Cumia. The record speaks for itself.
Hell, Anthony couldn't carry Don Imus' jockstrap, either.
None of that has to do with why I'm writing this article.
Last night, on Misery Loves Company
, a live stream hosted by the lesser Brennan brother, Kevin, Cumia decided to take a shot at yours truly. An unknown bum who was brought in from the homeless shelter, presumably because he would work for hours for a single can of Campbell's Soup, called me "human garbage." Scarlett Hampton, a former porn star whom I have had a tumultuous public relationship with, defended me from the unhoused headcase.
Anthony Cumia was incredulous at this, and said:
"Why are you do defensive of him when he treats you so poorly, Scarlett?"
Scarlett defends me again after the gaggle of geriatric drunks quiet down long enough for her to do so. For the record, she has nothing to do with my decision to write this article, and she's probably against it. Hopefully, after she reads it, she won't be. Regardless, I do thank her for her defense. We've both said and done a lot to hurt each other, and I wish those things had never happened.
Still, I'm glad Cumia opened his mouth because it gave me this opportunity. I knew about some of the material I'm about to lay out, but not much of it. I never cared for Cumia. I've only seen clips of his show many years after it aired. Since he was much less successful than Stern, the program wasn't show in my market. Besides Patrice O'Neal's contributions, I didn't miss much. The show he hosted on his own network, Compound Media, sucked even worse. I have genuinely never laughed at anything the man has said. At least the terminally bitter Kevin Brennan makes me chuckle on occasion, especially when I think about how minuscule his influence and money are compared to those of his brother Neal, who co-created Chappelle's Show.
Now that you know what drove me to write this piece, let me lay out the many reasons why Anthony Cumia has no standing to criticize anything in my life, much less my relationship with Scarlett. We already mentioned that he was a pedophile, which, to my shame, I only fully realized this morning. We'll get to that in a bit. Let's start with one of Anthony's relationships — the one that ended with him pleading guilty to domestic violence for "blocking someone's breathing," which is also known as choking her.
Nine and a half years ago, Danielle “Dani Golightly” Brand, Anthony Cumia's ex-girlfriend, fired up a
Periscope stream
. The video appears to show Cumia slapping her in the face right at the outset, right after she complains about a broken hand. Later in the video, the now-feminist Anthony yells out, "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY GUN?" We can only assume that he intended to kill Ms. Brand had he found the weapon.
Thankfully, he didn't.
He did get to bite her hand, though
. What a champion of women! On what planet does he have any right to question anyone's relationship? Well, unless they killed their woman, and he almost certainly would have done that had he located his gun.
This alone would be enough to call him a washed-up, hypocritical has-been. I've never been accused of anything of that nature, much less
charged and convicted of it
. I actually didn't know about this well-known incident. Why? Because I never gave a fuck about Anthony Cumia.
We're not stopping there. I called Anthony Cumia the Jeffrey Epstein of comedy for a reason. Earlier this year,
he posted a rerun
of a hit piece segment he did on my friend Hunter Moore. He trashed him and called him a "piece of shit." Hunter is a great guy, no matter what the media or that bullshit, fallacious Netflix documentary says about him. No matter your thoughts on Mr. Moore, he has never
bragged about fucking a "just turned" 14-year-old on nationwide radio
. Why? Because he hasn't done that. Cumia claimed to be 20 years old when he did the dirty deed. Given his penchant for being a fucking liar, I'd bet he was much older. Still, 20/14 is a crime in every single state in the Union, and the relationship he voluntarily admitted to makes him a pedophile. At one point, he even
said he could go dig up a picture of the girl
. I suppose that, like most pedophiles, he wanted to keep a record of his sick act.
Around the time of the rerun about Mr. Moore, I was put in touch with a few comedians who had worked in comedy clubs with Anthony Cumia. They said he would regularly bring underage girls as his date when he did a stand-up gig. Apparently, this was open knowledge in the comedy scene. Why it was allowed to continue, I do not know. Probably because people have made excuses for him for years. Some of them are people I like, such as Pat Dixon. Others, like Chrissie Mayr, are pieces of donkey dung. Still, they all swept it under the rug. Oh, and both of those people were eventually fired by Anthony. So, not only is he a pedophile, but he's also a disloyal one.
I mentioned Horseface Mayr. The Great Mike David of Redbar Radio
detailed her defense of Cumia in an excellent video
. What was the video about? Well, it was about The Count stopping his numbering at 13 when following a young girl on Instagram. Mayr said the girl "looked 17." Mr. David correctly points out that these grifters are all about hunting down pedophiles, yet they defend an open and admitted pedophile in their midst. Why do they do it? Money. Influence. Followers. Friendship.
Speaking of 13-year-old girls, that happens to be the age
Anthony says he would fuck if it were legally allowed
. Given what I have already presented, this should come as no surprise. Patrice O'Neal ends the segment by saying Cumia should be "put to sleep." I won't argue with that.
Also, there's the time Cumia liked the videos of an obviously underage girl on the now-defunct Vine platform. One Reddit user
said the girl appeared to be "12/13" years old
. Out of his 81 likes on the platform, 70 of them were of this specific girl. It appears he was trying to groom her into a pedophilic relationship. Can anyone who has read this far really refute that conclusion?
Then there's the case of Cumia bizarrely bragging about
"fucking [his] brother's girlfriend's daughter."
He also shared a story about taking his then-girlfriend to the hospital, only to see her admitted to the pediatric wing. According to
Anthony's own retelling
, he lied and said he was her friend when asked by hospital staff. He claims she was over the age of consent, but would anyone really be shocked if he was lying about that?
I know I wouldn't.
Oh, I almost forgot the "catfishing incident." Anthony Cumia carried on a private correspondence with someone he believed to be a 15-year-old girl for months. He bought this person an iPad. As it turns out, it was a male fan of the show. Still, are you noticing a pattern yet? If not, you might be severely stupid or a pedophile like Anthony Cumia. In my opinion, he was trying to groom a 15-year-old girl, but it just turned out to be a 41-year-old man who was trolling him.
It seems like Cumia just can't help himself when it comes to underage girls.
By the way, there's a lot more atrocious and abnormal behavior I could write about in this space. There has been plenty of reporting on those events. However, I wanted to focus on the fact that Cumia is a pedophile who should be shunned by everyone. Instead, these grifters and phonies act like none of this ever happened. It's disgusting and disgraceful. None of these people have any fucking balls.
The fact of the matter is, Anthony Cumia should be in jail, or worse. Instead, he's allowed to go on all these right-wing shows without being questioned about his pedo proclivities. He has a weekly show on
WABC
. How can they justify paying this creep six figures a year? He should be fired immediately. Will they actually do that? Well, he seems to have been able to exist as an open and accepted pedophile for quite some time. Everyone just acts like none of this ever happened.
Still, maybe there is a slight chance WABC will do the right thing.
Here is where you can contact them if you feel the same way:
Phone: (212) 613-3800
Email:
comments@wabcradio.com
