I opened the site and the first thing I see is blocked out because of age restrictions. When I tell the site I'm an adult it shows me what I can only really call an outfit? I think it's meant to look like shibari but not be actual rope. Anyway I do not want my baby coming out looking like a fucking sunday joint so that's no help.
Here's some shit from the front page too.
Me when my name is weapon. Don't think that's going to help. Fairly sure fingering is antipregnanatcy shit.
The first funny result for prepagant is a disposable cup to piss in for testers. However they are marketed as one size fits all.
So first you need to get a woman pregnagt right?
Apparently if I spray some deadly shark power 14000 on my cock that will help. Not sure if it's customisable or if this listing is specifically selling things stolen from David who lives in Germany but at least I'll get some vitamin e to help me survive prison after I get done for handling stolen goods.
Or I can buy an islamic pomegranate to help with impregnation.
Or maybe I don't need help with fertility specifically. Maybe I need help with the sex part. So here's a designated sex pillow for having sex on during sex time.
That you can rest your head on. Because who doesn't want to shove their face in a soggy pillow covered in sweat and cum?
Now hopefully I will have a child growing, hopefully 100% human and not a shark hybrid. But how do I know? How can I tell?
With a strangely vulgar pig pregnancy detector. Don't forget to use the straw to suck piss. I would genuinely buy this. I would either end up with a child or a divorce but it would be one hell of a story.
Now I have successfully put a bun, or, I guess a shark pig, in the oven I now need to worry about the ways my wife's body will change. Thankfully
when all the fat goes into the breasts from the ass it will be fine because she can just walking without buttocks.
It's important to have a reason to have a child though, you don't want to just be shitting them out for no reason.
Never had kids before. Don't really know much about them. However
fairly sure you don't have any periods if you're paptantat let alone two.
It'd probably be pretty hard to wash certain areas if you were pagangat though. Here's a toe brush for all the paplaopet women with husbands that don't have mouths.
It's also good for people with a knee uhhh hip hip replacement. That's your secondary hip. Your legs are like fingers, fingers have several joints, legs have several hips. That's how that works. Or maybe you just got an indian surgeon who replaced your knee with a hip. At least you can clean your toes, pretty important to have clean toes for the medical malpractice lawsuit.
Then the kid pops out and you have to deal with the aftermath. Thankfully you can create comic legs.
Obviously if you have a kid then mr men is like baby's first book. Here you can turn yourself into mr messy.
There's also the stomach issues. Thankfully you can buy some postpartum products that are not wet.
Which is a selling point. Normally clothes always come wet. They just stay like that too.
Or you can get one with double row enhanced abdominal retraction.
But ok that's enough about the woman. What about the kid. Obviously the kid needs food. But breastfeeding is pretty awkward right? So is pumping. Surely there is a hands free option right?
Oh. Yea. There's one. There's a bra that you can use a breast pump hands free. And an image of the woman using her hands to hold it. While the one saying it's not hands free is shown being used without hands.
Ok maybe that's not ideal. Bit confusing. Maybe there's some other product that's a bit easier to understand especially for a guy that's never done this before.
Or not. I think a lactogogue is what sikhs use. Or is that jews idk. It can dredge your breasts though. Which hey it's helpful if you lose them at the bottom of a river. Not sure if I want something to shake and suck milk at the same time. I think that's called a seizure and I don't really want a kid to have that.
It can be lonely though. Probably pretty isolating to have to constantly run away to some private place to breastfeed.
Thankfully you can buy a companion. Because normally breastfeeding is a solo activity and you just need companionship. If only there was another person that could be there with me. Maybe like a small person so I could carry them around easily, especially some sort of small person that doesn't need to be anywhere else so they can always be with me. Not sure if I want my breastfeeding to be dry though. That sounds like maybe the worst thing it can be.
Honestly it's taking forever. There's lots of unrelated shit that isn't really funny. It's going to take two days to make this post and honestly that's a lot of commitment I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet.
Anyway back to shopping for paprepaget shit.
I'm not sure if I would really say I could raise a child or deal with pannatpeg using only wish shit. Now how about burning down Belfast? Honestly I looked for a while and there's not much Irish shit or anything really relevant.
There is this little Irish Mother Mary pendant.
You can give it to someone you love. Like your friend. Which I guess is normal for some people but I certainly wouldn't say I love my friends. I certainly wouldn't say I love myself either, gives off pretty big narcissist vibes. But I would say I love my mother. And my family. And uhhh. Does that mean my mother is not part of my family? Is that what this is implying? My non family mother. I think that means my discord mommy. And on the eighth day the Lord created goth mommies on discord.
There is this statue of Mother Mary. That's pretty Irish.
It's also time is an executioner erase the past and present one by one of us the past smoke spark off a dust time and we are always ruthless time is always too fast. It's talking about smoking and sparks and execution so that's close enough right?
There's also this fucking vile image if you want to piss off any Irish people you know.
I cannot describe the feeling this image gave me. I don't think I could even in German.
Ok I know I'm meant to be like haha what if I became a father could I do pareagnantecy over wish and temu but man there's a lot of plushies that are really cute. I did actually see one that I already own lol. I would never buy any shit from any of these sites but man looking through the plushes is making that rather hard to stick to.
Fucking look at this thing.
Admittedly there's a lot of cuter ones but they don't have jhelei m pincee ahe hame.
Or maybe you just want a hugs best friend.
Yes I did almost say a hugs breast friend shut up.
I was going to make some joke about actually giving up on becoming a father and instead becoming the baby myself to justify buying all the plushes. And I was going through the abdl stuff. Not much came up so I thought it must just be a on the non 18+ version of the site. Until after a couple pages I realised I'd been searching for fucking adbl and it was just giving me technological shit. On this day we are all the Engrish.
Then I gave up on paprcagy or Irish shit completely. And I gave up on looking at plushes because I was just wanting to buy half of them and none of them were funny. So back to a random assortment of random shit.
Some neoprene socks to prevent collisions.
Good to wear while drunk driving and speeding.
This was an Irish thing. It was meant to have Erin go bragh but they forgot to photoshop it in.
I just think it's a funny selection of activities. Also that's one funny scooter.
Here's a pair of tourmaline massage socks. Don't really know what they're meant to do but they look cool.
They also make your feet warmer. Which is a unique feature of these tourmaline massage socks. Normal socks don't make your feet warmer. Everyone knows being barefoot is as cold as wearing socks.
Here's just some straight up misinformation.
In my experience it is very easy to lose hair. Effortless in fact. Unfortunately.
This product is made of black ice technology fabric.
Or. Well. White ice technology fabric? It leaves a sticky feeling when touched. I think that normally only happens with underwear not a bra. Also I know this is like half the thread are women. Does anyone else get fucking violently repulsed by the word 'panties'. I hate it. Women don't wear panties. Little girls do. Panties come with mlp or peppa pig designs. Absolutely vile word but half the time people assume underwear means bra and underwear. The only other word is knickers but that's the fucking opposite. I don't want to buy her little kiddie peppa pig panties and I don't want to buy her granny knickers for fuck's sake. Knickers are old women shit you could use as a ship's sail.
Tight sutures with flat and strong wiring does sound good.
I just think you should be going to a doctor for those not buying a belt. Especially after the last one replaced my knee with a hip for seemingly no reason. Run the thread sounds like a mati knockoff catchphrase. I can imagine Josh but as a redditified mr beast type faggoty podcaster doing an intro and saying run the thread as the screen wipes. I'm also imagining a remix of that one Run the Jewels song Nobody Speak but as run the threads. Maybe featuring run the jershls. I make myself laugh and that's the only person I am worried about here.
Here's a cute cat charm. It's just like the cat is being lifted into your arms.
I guess maybe? If you were a cross between Edward Scissorhands and a hangman? Never heard 'always be your cat' either before. That's either some furry slogan or some indian trying to sext. Yass saar i am always the being of your cat i am the putting in of the arms i am loving your cat pussy saar.
Here's a bra that makes your breasts more breathable.
For those women who are actually spiders and have booklungs? Or maybe. I get it. I know. This is for when your breastfeeding companion has made your journey dry. You just emit powdered milk like skin cells. The breathable part is that it comes with a £5 note to roll up to snort the powder. I know a bra designed to snort milk powder or for spider women with booklungs are the things that no sober man should be saying but I have not drank anything, not even that chinese shit. Which I think might be worse. Is delirium hereditary?
Here's a flat piece of fabric that is double sided concave. Somehow? But it does make things cleaner.
Cleaner.
This is an image from a listing. This is meant to be a selling point.
The bottom middle looks familiar. I'm not looking anything up. I'm not going through this site looking for a tranny or woman that looks similar to a giant fake breast shirt(?) but the first name that came to mind is momokun.
Here's some more massage socks.
They give you an intensive intermittent fever. Sock covid. They put dead bats in the fucking socks. Which actually isn't that farfetched for china. Glad to hear they are designed to fit human soles. Unlike other socks. A lot of my socks were made to fit owl's wings. Not sure if that's a problem with my feet or the socks but maybe I should stop buying socks from the RSPB.
Spontaneous hosiery
is my stripper name.
Here's some foot cream that will give you your daily nourishment.
Just in case you were a thorny devil.
Here's a china herbs bang de li.
I don't think this is actually a tampon, it's some herbal vaginal suppository thing. But it is anti vaginal relaxation. Just in case you want to give yourself pussy cramps?
And to finish off. Here's some more socks that according to the principle of human meditation and collaterals, biological permanent magnets are placed at the corresponding accupoints, together with the functional materials of Tormalin, and the self heating socks can enhance metabolism, promote the discharge of harmful substances, and improve blood circulation.
Just because I feel like I have said too much and been too wordy. Just didn't want to feel alone.
