- Registrado
- 8 de Ago, 2020
Part One: The founding.
In the 1400's, everyone thought the Earth was flat. But some guy named Columbus didn't think so and wanted to prove it by sailing the wrong way to China. The Spanish probably just didn't want him pestering them anymore and so they gave him a vessel and some men hoping they'd end up falling off the edge. Unbeknownst to everyone, there was a whole other continent over there. Columbus thought he was in India though and so called all the people there Indians. Later, some British people decided to copy Columbus and set up shop in the north half of the continent. They got hungry one day and some nice Indian fellows gave them turkey to eat. Over time, the colonies grew.
Some years onward, these colonists didn't want to pay taxes to the British so they all got drunk one day and dumped a bunch of tea in the ocean to piss them off. The British got big mad and shot some guy. Paul Revere then hopped on his horse to tell George Washington that the British were coming. Mr. Washington proceeded to chop down a cherry tree to make a set of wooden teeth and got a bunch of people together to shoot the British until they ran away. Thomas Jefferson finalized the creation of America by writing the Constitution and thereby inventing Freedom.
Part Two: Manifest Destiny.
So once America invented Freedom, they wanted the rest of the continent to have some too. The first step was to buy the Louisiana Purchase from some French midget who cut off a bunch of rich people's heads. In this plot of land, they found a bunch of squatters that have been staying there for a few years. America told these squatters that they can hang out, but only on some parts of their property. The squatters got big mad and started attacking Americans. America had no choice but to retaliate in self defense.
Later, there were some property disputes with Mexico. Mexico got big mad and killed a bunch of people at the Alamo. America decided that Mexico can keep the territory south of the Rio Grande but America would keep Texas and California.
Russia then sold America a frozen wasteland. The squatters there were pretty cool so nobody got big mad or anything.
Part Three: The End of Slavery and the Invention of Women's rights.
During this time, there were people that didn't have Freedom in America. They were called black people. The North states gave them some Freedom but the Southern ones had mistaken them for farm equipment. The North told the South that they are people and the South got big mad and one politician beat another with his cane. They also wanted to leave the union because they hated freedom. Lincoln got big mad and killed a bunch of Southerners and America was saved.
Around this time, a bunch of women got together and wrote a new Bill of Rights that nobody gave a shit about. But then they all gathered around to publicly smoke Lucky Strikes cigarettes and their right to vote was secured, paving the way for women to graduate from kitchen dwelling baby factories to true and honest people.
Part Four: The World Wars and the Cold War.
Over in Europe, some guy shot an archduke and everyone got big mad. They were all digging holes in the ground and shooting at each other. Also, Muslims got involved somehow. America saw everyone getting big mad over in Europe and then decided to save the day and make Germany pay for their crimes against Freedom.
Some years later, some guy who hated Jews took over Germany and he was big mad. He tried to take over Europe but America decided to stay out of it and just sold weapons and materials to all of Germany's enemies instead. Then the Japanese blew up a bunch of America's boats and America got big mad. They sent a bunch of people to Europe on D-day to defeat the guy that was big mad about Jews and then nuked Japan until they all became cartoon obsessed shut-ins.
Russia had expanded their empire after the second world war and were big mad about Freedom. China too. The freedom hating North Koreans were big mad about South Korea having freedom because China told them to be. So America stepped in and saved freedom in South Korea. Vietnam was much the same story, but there were brainwashed hippies in America that were big mad about America protecting freedom so it was a lost cause. Luckily, Russia couldn't expand in the Middle East because we were funding a bunch of Muslims who were big mad about Russia exerting its influence.
Then Reagan told Russia to tear down a wall in Germany and Freedom was saved.
Part Five: The Invention of Civil Rights.
Around the time of the Cold War, women decided they wanted to start working. America said "no" at first but eventually said "yes." Meanwhile, a black woman sat at the front of the bus and got arrested. Later, a black guy gave a speech about how he has a dream, thus ending racism forever. Also, some other black guy said "Plymouth Rock landed on us" which was kinda goofy.
Part Six: The Modern Day.
Some Muslims crashed a few planes into a couple buildings and America got big mad. They proceeded to kill a bunch of Iraqis and George Bush gave a speech declaring the mission was accomplished. America then continued to kill a bunch of Muslims just to make sure the mission stayed accomplished until the ringleader of the Muslims was killed. The Muslims didn't go away though so more Muslims had to die to preserve Freedom. But also a bunch of Muslims were imported elsewhere and some rapes happened in Europe and some people got big mad. Their government got big mad at the people getting big mad so Europe remains a shithole. Now America is leaving the Middle East even though everyone there is still big mad. It remains to be seen how America will save the day.
Also, there's some people cutting their dicks off in America and getting big mad when you don't call them women. The results of that remain to be seen as well.
Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk.
In the 1400's, everyone thought the Earth was flat. But some guy named Columbus didn't think so and wanted to prove it by sailing the wrong way to China. The Spanish probably just didn't want him pestering them anymore and so they gave him a vessel and some men hoping they'd end up falling off the edge. Unbeknownst to everyone, there was a whole other continent over there. Columbus thought he was in India though and so called all the people there Indians. Later, some British people decided to copy Columbus and set up shop in the north half of the continent. They got hungry one day and some nice Indian fellows gave them turkey to eat. Over time, the colonies grew.
Some years onward, these colonists didn't want to pay taxes to the British so they all got drunk one day and dumped a bunch of tea in the ocean to piss them off. The British got big mad and shot some guy. Paul Revere then hopped on his horse to tell George Washington that the British were coming. Mr. Washington proceeded to chop down a cherry tree to make a set of wooden teeth and got a bunch of people together to shoot the British until they ran away. Thomas Jefferson finalized the creation of America by writing the Constitution and thereby inventing Freedom.
Part Two: Manifest Destiny.
So once America invented Freedom, they wanted the rest of the continent to have some too. The first step was to buy the Louisiana Purchase from some French midget who cut off a bunch of rich people's heads. In this plot of land, they found a bunch of squatters that have been staying there for a few years. America told these squatters that they can hang out, but only on some parts of their property. The squatters got big mad and started attacking Americans. America had no choice but to retaliate in self defense.
Later, there were some property disputes with Mexico. Mexico got big mad and killed a bunch of people at the Alamo. America decided that Mexico can keep the territory south of the Rio Grande but America would keep Texas and California.
Russia then sold America a frozen wasteland. The squatters there were pretty cool so nobody got big mad or anything.
Part Three: The End of Slavery and the Invention of Women's rights.
During this time, there were people that didn't have Freedom in America. They were called black people. The North states gave them some Freedom but the Southern ones had mistaken them for farm equipment. The North told the South that they are people and the South got big mad and one politician beat another with his cane. They also wanted to leave the union because they hated freedom. Lincoln got big mad and killed a bunch of Southerners and America was saved.
Around this time, a bunch of women got together and wrote a new Bill of Rights that nobody gave a shit about. But then they all gathered around to publicly smoke Lucky Strikes cigarettes and their right to vote was secured, paving the way for women to graduate from kitchen dwelling baby factories to true and honest people.
Part Four: The World Wars and the Cold War.
Over in Europe, some guy shot an archduke and everyone got big mad. They were all digging holes in the ground and shooting at each other. Also, Muslims got involved somehow. America saw everyone getting big mad over in Europe and then decided to save the day and make Germany pay for their crimes against Freedom.
Some years later, some guy who hated Jews took over Germany and he was big mad. He tried to take over Europe but America decided to stay out of it and just sold weapons and materials to all of Germany's enemies instead. Then the Japanese blew up a bunch of America's boats and America got big mad. They sent a bunch of people to Europe on D-day to defeat the guy that was big mad about Jews and then nuked Japan until they all became cartoon obsessed shut-ins.
Russia had expanded their empire after the second world war and were big mad about Freedom. China too. The freedom hating North Koreans were big mad about South Korea having freedom because China told them to be. So America stepped in and saved freedom in South Korea. Vietnam was much the same story, but there were brainwashed hippies in America that were big mad about America protecting freedom so it was a lost cause. Luckily, Russia couldn't expand in the Middle East because we were funding a bunch of Muslims who were big mad about Russia exerting its influence.
Then Reagan told Russia to tear down a wall in Germany and Freedom was saved.
Part Five: The Invention of Civil Rights.
Around the time of the Cold War, women decided they wanted to start working. America said "no" at first but eventually said "yes." Meanwhile, a black woman sat at the front of the bus and got arrested. Later, a black guy gave a speech about how he has a dream, thus ending racism forever. Also, some other black guy said "Plymouth Rock landed on us" which was kinda goofy.
Part Six: The Modern Day.
Some Muslims crashed a few planes into a couple buildings and America got big mad. They proceeded to kill a bunch of Iraqis and George Bush gave a speech declaring the mission was accomplished. America then continued to kill a bunch of Muslims just to make sure the mission stayed accomplished until the ringleader of the Muslims was killed. The Muslims didn't go away though so more Muslims had to die to preserve Freedom. But also a bunch of Muslims were imported elsewhere and some rapes happened in Europe and some people got big mad. Their government got big mad at the people getting big mad so Europe remains a shithole. Now America is leaving the Middle East even though everyone there is still big mad. It remains to be seen how America will save the day.
Also, there's some people cutting their dicks off in America and getting big mad when you don't call them women. The results of that remain to be seen as well.
Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk.
