Aw geez, since we're airing the dirty laundry I also have a confession to make.
Not too long ago I acquired a curious relic: a preserved monkey paw. All but one finger had broken off, and the owner of the shop was eager to be rid of it. Everyone knows the legend of the monkey's paw, but I don't think anyone actually believes it. I certainly didn't, until I spoke aloud my wish and the final finger broke off.
Let me state now, before revealing my wish, that this was not done with malice. I did not believe what I wished for would come to pass, because I do not believe in silly things such as magic or wishes. I am a man of science, or at least I was. I still remember grinning, ear to ear, when I jokingly said: "I wish all republicans were secretly on HRT."
It was a joke, I thought it was a funny idea. Imagine the sheer volume of images of troons in wheat fields being uploaded every day, truck nuts replaced with truck labia, and also a sudden and alarming peak in black guys with white """"""""""""""""girlfriends""""""""""""""""""""". These ideas made me laugh, damn me for ever laughing at the horror I've inflicted upon this world.
I was in denial after the paw broke, but deep down I knew what I had done. I received confirmation upon the very fair and completely legal defeat of the perpetual loser, Donald Trump, in the 2020 election. The entire republican party was behaving now as though they were all women. They claimed fraud, and threatened the United States with violence but, just like women, these threats were empty and they only ever sat on their asses while making catty comments.
Soon after, the weeping began. A constant stream of tears dripping down beards onto MAGA t-shirts. These were men once, look what I had done to them. Even now, in threads like this, the punchline to that sick joke continues to echo into the future. Men, now with budding breasts and a growing interest in dresses, simpering publicly over the loss of a "hunky dad." I can't stop them, I've tried warning them, advising them to stop drinking tap water, but the paw messed with their minds. They've all been partially bimbofied, and addicted to estrogen, they don't even notice that they're changing.
These days I stay at home, hiding from the living ma'ams- What's that? Someone's at the door! Ye gods, its a republitroon! They want to dress up as like sexy nuns and read the Turner Diaries to my children at the local library! They're doing it to "own the libs, trigger the libs." Oh cruel fate, this is my comeuppance!