JAIMAS PLAYS A TERRIBLE GAME: BLOOD PACT - ....in which transgender porn and improper adjective use leads to comic gold

[Wake me up]

Abstract

If nothing else, I had the distinct impression that this would provide hilarious insights into Ana Valens' mental state.

Findings

She’d go back to her apartment, cry into her pillow, read some queer witchy porn zine she bought off Gumroad, and jerk it until she passed out.

In other words, just another Friday night.

Mission accomplished 8)

 

[Jaimas]

What about Mark Boyd's Magnum Opus T-Runner?

T-Runner is firmly in the bottom ten. Listed from Worst to Best, with reasons behind each:

Spoiler: Current Worst List

10. Video Game Critic Simulator by Laura Kate Dale
A game with no interactivity that whines about how hard a job is while taking the piss out of it and then trying to beg for money for it. Fuck off.

9. Patriarchy Simulator 2000 by Nora Reed
Same as #10 with the only redeeming feature being the sad view it offers into the mind of Nora Reed. So unfunny I reviewed something else instead because it gave me nothing to work with.

8. Depression Quest by Zoe Quinn
Cynical cash-grab that sought to exploit the death of Robin Williams. Done by a serial grifter who didn't even really work on it all that much. Zero effort shit that was successfully duplicated in less than a day. Includes e-begging to donate to patreon. Notable for being the game Alex Lifschitz accidentally his career over.

7. ReGiCiDE by Punch Drunk Games
"A Lesbian Gets Raped, The Video Game." Made in RPGMaker. So incompetent it's barely playable, and runs at a cool 4 frames a second because the developer, impossibly, is less-capable with RPGMaker than most script kiddies using RM2K. Shit RM games are a dime a billion, but this was an experience I can liken to being abducted by Somalian pirates. Avoid.

6. The Loneliest Astronaut by Aquanauts Holiday
James Corbett learned nothing after securing #5 on this list. 'Nuff said.

5. Emergence by James Corbett
Good writing undermined by zero interactivity and a ham-handed point. If he did more with it you'd have something laudable here, but he refuses and so onto the bottom ten it remains. Fuck you, James.

4. Hackers vs Banksters by Kimberly Crawley
Eminently mockable and utterly incompetent, this is a beautiful train-wreck that was a lot of fun to mock. You can totally have a blast playing this one because it's fucking dumb as hell, and that's really funny.

3. T-Runner by From Fire Games
An endless runner in which contact with disembodied penises, the word "dude," and the men's bathroom symbol kill you instantly. Mark Boyd is fucking incompetent but man if this isn't entertaining to laugh at.

2. That Really Hot Chick by Horrendous Games
Utterly unplayable indie garbage and a blight on Chloe Sagal's career. Is here solely because games like this must never exist, save as a bad example for others to learn from. Even Chloe hated this one.

1. Revolution 60 by Giant Spacekat Studios
So-awful-its-awesome is a thing, and this is its messiah. The Plan 9 from Outer Space of games, this game features a legitimately interesting setup and world hamstrung by the fact that the person in charge of the setting is fucking Brianna Wu. Everything about this screams ineptitude and it deserves to be enjoyed. Mock it with friends, laugh openly at how broken it is, and delight in its stolen asset use.

And formers:

Spoiler: JPATG Escapees

* I Get This Call Every Day - Not awful. Short-sighted and blunted by David's setup for it and need to virtue signal. Could have been so much better. He deserves to do better. Off the list.

*Demon's Forge - A terrible game by Rani Bakr that isn't worth mocking as it was a passion project and had a development time of like half a fucking hour. Humorous if nothing else.

* Homesick - Actually very good once proper documentation came out. Not shit.

* Waste Wars - Initially awful, Warren Lynch actually listened to my feedback on it and made the game a lot better. I haven't had time to review it but it's good enough to be nowhere near the bottom ten.

 

[NerdShamer]

I was expecting something with more...substance when you said this was a game. It's more of a cheaply written power fantasy, than anything else.

 

[Jaimas]

I was expecting something with more...substance when you said this was a game. It's more of a cheaply written power fantasy, than anything else.

Honestly, I was expecting at least something akin to a VN. Naturally, we got zero-effort shit like this.

 

[Kari Kamiya]

Bible Black has better story-telling and dickgirls than this.

 

[NerdShamer]

Honestly, I was expecting at least something akin to a VN. Naturally, we got zero-effort shit like this.

At the very least, it could've had multiple endings, like those cheap flash games.

 

[Keystone]

Someone's gonna make that pic their avatar, I can just feel it.

 

[TheMonkeyMan]

Ver archivo adjunto 812955
Someone's gonna make that pic their avatar, I can just feel it.

Sup.

 

[Keystone]

The Three Troons of the Apocalypse

 

[Kotaro]

0/10, most cursed thing I've ever had the misfortune of reading.

 

[Pumpkin Girl IRL]

Repeatedly hammers in TRANS GIRL gets pissy when nobody calls it a woman.

Claims "feminine penis" is different from dudes, fuck each other up the ass.

Roughly what I expected.

 

[ZB 584]

So Phil discovered this thread and had a minor chimp out on Twitter:

https://twitter.com/acvalens/status/1142940347229724673

https://archive.li/APXwn

Great to see that you're still "stalking" us the same way we do you, Phil. Fight fire with fire, right? Wouldn't it be more expedient to take the high road like a good little boy?

Guess we have to concede that phallic can be used in the manner that Phil did, which is fine. Interesting how the thing he chooses to address is the cherry picking part about a word and not the criticism of this tripe, as a whole. Guess that's too difficult. Just like he almost never defends his journalism, when it gets called out for being disingenuous, biased, irrelevant shit (on KF and Twitter). Also you never have a problem cherry picking when you find the 5 or so user reviews on Metacritic for a given game that fit your agenda, and then proceed to regard it as a representative sample size in your articles.

Finished the Twitter thread with som e-begging. DarkSyde Phil would be proud.

OT: Wtf is this train wreck:

Edit: Dunno if this should be moved to Phil's lolcow thread.

 

[Jaimas]

So Phil discovered this thread and had a minor chimp out on Twitter:

https://twitter.com/acvalens/status/1142940347229724673

https://archive.li/APXwn

Great to see that you're still "stalking" us the same way we do you, Phil. Fight fire with fire, right? Wouldn't it be more expedient to take the high road like a good little boy?

Guess we have to concede that phallic can be used in the manner that Phil did, which is fine. Interesting how the thing he chooses to address is the cherry picking part about a word and not the criticism of this tripe, as a whole. Guess that's too difficult. Just like he almost never defends his journalism, when it gets called out for being disingenuous, biased, irrelevant shit (on KF and Twitter). Also you never have a problem cherry picking when you find the 5 or so user reviews on Metacritic for a given game, out of literally hundreds or thousands that fit your agenda, and then proceed to regard it as a representative sample size in your articles.

Finished the Twitter thread with som e-begging. DarkSyde Phil would be proud.

OT: Wtf is this train wreck:

Ver archivo adjunto 813277



Edit: Dunno if this should be moved to Phil's lolcow thread.

....Except the reason I did that entire bit was as a joke.

Stay phallic, Ana. You giant disembodied penis.

 

[ZB 584]

....Except the reason I did that entire bit was as a joke.

Stay phallic, Ana. You giant disembodied penis.

When one spends every waking moment vigorously browsing the internet looking for shit to get offended and outraged by, I guess, one is too exhausted to find humour in anything. What a way to live life.

 

[byuu]

https://twitter.com/acvalens/status/1142940347229724673

https://archive.li/APXwn

I wonder if that is that "literaly theory book" he mentions:

J. Davidson, The Psychology of Joss Whedon (2013) p. 107

 

[Varg Did Nothing Wrong]

“Emily, for the love of god,” she cried. “I can’t bear to lose you.” Once again, no response.

Do normal human beings talk like this? It comes off as completely narcissistic. Instead of being worried about the person who love dying or getting hurt or whatever, you're thinking of how their death will impact you?

It's always about me me me

 

[CatParty]

So back when I was in high school, one of my english teachers had a teacher's assistant and she was kind of a dumb bitch. She was, however, responsible for one of the funniest things I'd ever heard back then, when she was doing a demo report on the Legend of Heracles. During the report, the aide, master of the english language that she was (the sort who would pronounce the word "sword" the way it was spelled), relied a bit too hard on ye olde thesaurus, and it may have taken her down a rather tragic road - tragic for her, but hilarious for everyone else. She was clearly looking for adjectives similar to "heroic," and some brilliant motherfucker someplace at Houghton Mifflin steered her into using the word "phallic." So at this point, she goes on about how Heracles was a very phallic individual and suddenly she's giving me the stink-eye because I'm laughing my rear end off. She kept doing it, too, and I was struggling not to bust out laughing again. Seven times in, I failed to stifle it again and she gave me in-school suspension for the day.

The key to the humor here is the word phallic itself. It doesn't mean what my teacher aide thought it meant.
It also sure as hell doesn't mean what Ana thinks it does. So when the succubus refers to herself and other trannies as "Phallic Women," Oxford demonstrates why you should be chuckling:

I'm sure that Ana meant "women with penises," but that isn't what she wrote - she wrote women who look like penises.

 

[Picnic_Boy]

That sounds a bit rapey, the Slaanesh kind of rapey.

I wish it would go full Slaaneshi, then at least it'd be creepy in a cool Hellraiser kind of way instead of an existential "I'm glad I don't have children" kind of way.

 

[Wake me up]

Phil discovered this thread and had a minor chimp out on Twitter

Ana, I know we are sworn enemies and all but I will extend an olive branch for the time being: if you are "dripping", from your penis, with pre-cum, you need to go see a doctor right now and be hospitalized.

Dunno if this should be moved to Phil's lolcow thread

I was going to make a post on the thread to your post here but after reading Ana's tweets they are indeed pretty minor so I don't think I'll bother with it. Also, I have edited the OP on the main thread with a link here for people who find that thread later on - and people following the thread currently would know this one's active as well so it should all be kosher anyways.

 

[Picnic_Boy]

If the book Ana is referring to is a literary (gender) theory book, then nabbing a term from it and then defending its usage is sort of like saying, "Hey, don't make fun of me for eating this rotten banana, I found it in a perfectly good dumpster."