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🐷 The Killstream General Discussion Thread - Discuss Ethan Ralph's stagnant Killstream and his appearances on other shows.
Grace is trying to get Scarlett to arrive anyway for the Bristol Renaissance Faire on Sunday irrespective of Ethan coming or not coming. Scarlett is offering to pick Grace and Lalo up. Scarlett has looped back to simping for Ethan and is now ranting about how her sister is a Scorpio and how her sister is going to the music festival and Lalo is now trying to hook up with Scar's sister.
I wonder if it ever dawns on Ralph that one of the reasons no one can place any stock on his totally real stories (like having sex with women, doing cool guy stuff, etc.) is because how eerily silent he is on the stories where there's a clearly visible conclusion they didn't work in his favor. Portugal 1, Papaw's ring, the red truck, etc.
Like yeah dude. We're totally gonna believe everything you say that's works in your favor, but when you randomly claim you've decided to stop wearing pawpaw's ring that you've been gloating about forever for seemingly no reason... We're supposed to believe that? Especially when the ring mysteriously disappeared after you were fearfully roaming the streets of Tijuana sucking biker's bananas and allegedly getting arrested.
One storyline that's not often talked about that I'd love more info on is Ralph's first trip to see his latest daddeh in Colombia. The whole thing really, but it started off fucking zany when he disappeared from the Internet for a few days before arriving. Ofc, he tried to claim it was a wrassle wrassle work to make everyone believe that, but I absolutely believe there's something more to it since that's patently retarded.
I am interested in where the soul of Ethan Ralph might end up when he goes to Hell.
Could a well timed confession save him from this fate and usher him through the gates of Heaven?
No.
Ralph will go to Hell for the simple reason that, while he is capable of expressing what at times seems like genuine sorrow and regret for his heinous actions (albeit muddied with self-pity), there are elements at the end of the Periodic Table with longer half lives than one of his moments of repentance. To wit:
Father Gomez: “You seek forgiveness for the harm you caused your ex-wife?”
Ralph: “Yeah, I mean...”
Father Gomez: “Then the Lord absolves you of your sins, my son.”
Ralph: “Although, to be honest, the bish kind of had it coming.”
According to the 13th Century Italian poet, Dante, Hell is organised into descending concentric circles, each hosting a different variety of sinner, with the most serious transgressors banished to the depths of the frozen lake that occupies the very bottom level. The first five circles, known collectively as Upper Hell, address sins of incontinence. Ostensibly, Ralph, who had publicly soiled himself on a number of occasions, might fit in well here. However, Dante is using the term ‘incontinence’ in the broader sense to describe those who, in their lives, allowed their base instincts and desires to govern their behaviour. It is not just five circles filled with people shitting and pissing themselves.
The four circles that comprise Lower Hell are concerned with sins of malice. Ralph is nothing if not malicious. Maybe this is where he belongs. We will see.
An immediate problem when dealing with someone like Ralph is that he has sinned across a broad spectrum. At a glance there are many circles of Hell that might accommodate him.
Some might say: ‘Send him down to the lowest appropriate circle.’
I think Hell is more nuanced than that: It is not just about the pitchfork up the arse. It is about the nature of the alloy that was used to forge the pitchfork. It is about the supplementary barbs on the prongs, and whether they point inward or outward. It is about the angle of entry and the temperature of the metal upon insertion. The lowest circle of Hell might not necessarily be the one most fitting for Ralph.
‘Okay,’ my straw man might argue: ‘Why not send Ralph on an eternal tour of all the circles of Hell that are appropriate.’
Again, I must beg to differ. Anyone who is familiar with Ralph will be aware that he is a liability in transport hubs. He gets blackout drunk and misses connections. He somehow parts company with important travel documents. His personal possessions are either lost or stolen. He tangles with cops and is a nuisance to other passengers. I don’t think the overseers of Hell are going to want to deal with this kind of thing long-term.
No, Ralph is not going on a grand tour of the Infernal Realm. He is going to do his time in one circle.
We must decide which one is most suitable.
First Circle (Limbo): Limbo, which lies beyond the River Acheron, is where virtuous non-Christians and the unbaptised spend eternity. It is a place of verdant meadows filled with “sighs, that [make] the eternal air tremble, not caused by tortures, but from grief”. The experience is probably very similar to watching The Cure headline an outdoor music festival on a Sunday evening, knowing that afterwards, you have to drive all the way home and get some sleep prior to hauling arse into work at the paper towel supply company.
Even Ralph in his most delusional moments would not describe himself as virtuous. He will not be residing in Limbo. We move on.
Second Circle (Lust): It is the demonic entity Minos, who greets those who enter this circle, wrapping his tail around each sinner and assigning them to their place in Hell. It is Minos who will ultimately decide the fate of Ethan Ralph. We are are here in an advisory capacity.
Those who remain in this circle will find themselves at the mercy of “an infernal hurricane that never rests. Hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine; whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them.”
Ralph is certainly a creature of base carnal desires, with a very casual attitude toward the age of consent, and a fetish for ejaculating on the gravestones of his enemies and their family members. (Minos might regard the latter as a sin of malice rather than incontinence.) Having sown the wind in life it seems fitting that he should be raped by the whirlwind in the afterlife. However, I believe there is some more profound motivating force behind his lust and so, with the permission of Minos, we must venture deeper in our search for an eternal home for the Rage Pig.
Third Circle (Gluttony):The tormented screams of those whose lives were defined by their over-consumption dominate the foul atmosphere. Chained to a stake in the centre of this circle, the three-headed dog, Cerberus, rends the flesh of these wretched sinners, while all around “eternal, heavy, and profound rain. Great hail, and dark water, and snow pour down through the tenebrous air; The earth that receives it makes it putrid.”
Ralph’s gluttony is given physical form by his massive bifurcated gunt that hangs down from his belly like a fleshy loincloth. He has consumed food, alcohol and drugs, all to excess, though within his dwindling means. One factor makes me reluctant to confine him to this circle is the strong implication that rain incorporates a feculent quality that, as a connoisseur of the arsehole, he might rather enjoy. Therefore, since we want Ralph to suffa for his sins of the flesh, we must pet each of Cerberus’s heads in turn, pronouncing each one a ‘Gud boi’, before venturing deeper.
Fourth Circle (Greed): In the Fourth Circle, those who were hoarders and wasters in life are fated to eternally roll great “weights forward by main force of chest”.
Ralph could certainly not be called a hoarder. Wherever he roams he leaves behind a trail of his belongings. A far stronger case can be made for him as a waster. In the past he has spent his money on frivolous items – over-priced designer man bags, expensive Las Vegas steaks of dubious quality; an ostentatious bowling trophy. As his income has fallen, these extravagant and unnecessary purchases have abated as he focuses the rags of his wealth on life’s three essentials: tortas, cheap liquor and xannies of dubious provenance. As a man who considers a two mile walk to be a Herculean side-quest, it is amusing to imagine Ralph being forced to manoeuvrer massive boulders using just his nipples. However, I don’t think he belongs here. Further down we go.
Fifth Circle (Anger): The great marsh that squelches underneath the soles of our brand new Reebok trainers is formed from the overspill of the River Styx that inundates the flood plain. The sullen lie submerged under the stagnant water in a state of perpetual drowning. They are held down by the bare feet of the wrathful who, in a condition of nakedness, strike "each other not with hand only, but with the head, with the breast, and with the feet, tearing each other piecemeal with their teeth”.
Ralph is a certainly a wrathful individual, who will attack viciously and without warning at the slightest perceived provocation. However, his anger is seldom indiscriminate. It is shaped by a strong sense of sadism that places him beyond the remit of this circle. And so we must move on, towards the towering iron walls of the infernal city of Dis that mark the boundary of what real estate agents refer to as Lower Hell.
Sixth Circle (Heresy): Is Ethan Ralph a heretic, in denial of the survival of the human soul beyond the veil of death, and fraudulent in his claims regarding the true nature of God? Could it end for him here on the burning plains, forced into an open sepulchre that has been “made red-hot all over” by the scattered flames?
He appears to hold spiritual beliefs. He has on occasions opined that Christ is King. If there is atheism and apostasy within him then they are neither controlling nor defining forces. He is not Styxhexenhammer. His thread of prophecy remains unsevered. His final place of torment lies elsewhere.
Seventh Circle (Violence):"The infamy of Crete was stretched out upon the ground and he gnawed himself, like one whom rage consumes within."
The Minotaur who occupies this circle might gaze, with pained bovine eye, towards the spectacle of the Rage Pig as it ambles in his direction, and see within those porcine slits, that frame this bloated chimera’s limited field of vision, something of a kindred spirit.
The Seventh Circle, which we have reluctantly entered on a day visa, is a place of quarantined violence.
The sodomites, the moneylenders and the blasphemers are laid out on burning sands, neath a perpetual rain of fire.
See here a stunted wood that is formed of gnarled and thorny trees. These are the suicides transformed and tormented by harpies.
What is of interest to us is the Phlegethon – a river of boiling blood, where-in those who enacted violence towards their neighbours are forced to remain eternally immersed. What is the purpose of the centaurs who gallop up and down the banks on either side? “They are thousands in number, and they shoot with arrows any soul that lifts itself out of the blood more than its sin allows.”
Ralph, at the core of his being, is an angry person who has committed acts of disproportionate violence towards everyone who has ever made his acquaintance. This includes, tragically, everyone who ever loved him, or who tried to love him. His anger, guided by a streak of feral intelligence, commonly surfaces in the form of sadism that he regards as justified.
Perhaps it is here, in this river of boiling blood, that he belongs. There is the irony of a man who was once married to a woman who resembled a horse being used as target practice by centaurs. I think that being shot by centaurs would really annoy Ralph. He would attempt to scale the banks of the river and fight them, which would result in him being shot by even more centaurs. I predict that Ralph would not grasp the connection between leaving the river and being skewered by volleys of arrows fired at him by creatures from Ancient Greek mythology.
Eighth Circle (Fraud):An amphitheatre of dark stone descends before us – an arrangement of circles within circles. There is something off in the geometry that induces a sense of queasiness when we gaze upon it for too long. We step down, past the ranks of the seducers as they are whipped by demons, suppressing our gag reflexes as we enter the territory of the flatterers who are submerged in arcing troughs that are filled to the brim with human excrement. The familiar faces of politicians, who have departed our Earthly realm, push their way to the surface of the bubbling vats of pitch.
Is Ralph fated to walk ever onward while bearing the weight of a leaden cloak, as is the lot of Mundane Matt and all other hypocrites. I think not. He is a man who openly revels in his dishonesty.
Is he a thief then? It is true that questions hang over whether money raised towards certain noble goals was entirely set towards that purpose, or was used for more selfish ends. He has drawn on the resources provided by an estranged father-in-law’s credit card, even using it to fund the Las Vegas wedding to this man’s horse-faced daughter. However, in the majority of cases, Ralph’s attempts to defraud are so blatantly obvious that even a child would not be deceived. Often people, who are well aware of his dishonesty, will give him money purely for the entertainment that they know will ensue. Punishing Ralph for theft is like punishing the 60IQ retard when he gets up in the middle of class and starts jerking it to a wall mural of Mother Teresa.
The idea that Ralph could be characterised as a sower of discord, fated to be spilt asunder, made whole and then divided once more, by a sword-wielding demon, implies a level Machiavellian impulse control that is beyond his reach.
Ninth Circle (Treachery): At long last we have arrived at the shores of the frozen lake of Cocytus, but we will not be ice-skating. The heads of those who betrayed family and country dot the ice like bowling balls "two frozen in one hole so close that one head was a cap to the other and as bread is devoured by hunger, so the upper one set his teeth upon the other where the brain joins with the nape."
Those who have betrayed their guests or their hosts lie frozen on their backs, while those who have betrayed their lords and masters must endure an eternity under the ice.
Ralph could conceivably be frozen in any of these poses. He refused to take his dying mother to the hospital. He has neglected his offspring and has abandoned his mentally disabled brother to languish in some kind of care facility. He has forsaken the country his daddy gave him and has turned against every benefactor. And yet it is questionable whether his actions can be attributed to malice or to incontinence. Even the Pope doesn’t know for certain.
Tipping our Bethesda promotional fedora in the direction of Lucifer, who squats atop an island of ice, where he gnaws upon the left leg of Judas, we make ready for our departure.
“There are occasions when OP is not a fag,” declares Satan, as he fans the surface of the frozen lake with his leathery wings.
“Screw you Satan. OP is always a fag,” we cry out in rebuke, then turn back towards the light.
In conclusion:I believe that, upon his death, Ethan Ralph should be admitted to the Seventh Circle of Hell, where he should be immersed in the boiling river of Phlegethon. This is a fitting venue for the Rage Pig, where he will pay for his misdeeds, which number more than the stars in the firmament. I have sent my recommendations to Minos.
TL;DR:Ralph is a sadistic and vengeful sub-human creature. He is fated to be shot at by centaurs until the sounding of Gabriel’s trumpet.
In conclusion:I believe that, upon his death, Ethan Ralph should be admitted to the Seventh Circle of Hell, where he should be immersed in the boiling river of Phlegethon. This is a fitting venue for the Rage Pig, where he will pay for his misdeeds, which number more than the stars in the firmament. I have sent my recommendations to Minos.
Scarlett has just now texted Grace Thorp and said Ethan is arriving at 4 PM local time (CST, 2.5 hours from the time of this post) and that she's picking him up at the airport. She wants Grace and Ben and Lalo to arrive there. LET'S GO.
I'm anticipating another nontent trip where Ralph ends up snorting his brains out in a motel room, but there's a chance he and Lalo end up getting into a physical altercation which could be moderately kino.
I'm anticipating another nontent trip where Ralph ends up snorting his brains out in a motel room, but there's a chance he and Lalo end up getting into a physical altercation which could be moderately kino.
TBF, Ralph spending the entire trip hiding isn't all bad. It's yet another opportunity to laugh at him over being scared and timid any time he's away from the safety of his Mexican shack.
TBF, Ralph spending the entire trip hiding isn't all bad. It's yet another opportunity to laugh at him over being scared and timid any time he's away from the safety of his Mexican shack.
Ethan has landed in Chicago. Scarlett is calling Grace and says she will pick Ethan up in an hour. Grace and Ben and Lalo are at the airport waiting. They are planning to drink tequila together. It's fucking on.
Ralph's either gonna be the most frightened and timid person imaginable, or we're gonna see the most ridiculously zany shenanigans imaginable. I'm not complaining because both are funny, although I prefer the latter for obvious reasons.
<“ah said its not even hawt in Minos”
