A teaser from my forthcoming splatterpunk work:I'M ABSOLUTELY INSANE“What the fuck?” said Bullshit Billy as he gazed into his garage. It was stacked to the ceiling with empty booze bottles and he didn't give a shit. He thought it was the pinnacle of interior decorating. As a joke he kicked one of the giant piles and they cascaded to the floor. He cut himself on a piece of broken beer bottle then grinned as he licked the blood like a vampire.Today was a very special day. His ex wife was having a birthday party, and he had been invited. They didn't hate one another, but her new boyfriend hated and distrusted him, so he prepared to give the stupid bastard a little show.He had a backpack, into which he stuffed thermite- which was legal to buy online, charge and all- as well as a few dozen bottles of homemade napalm, reduced down from ground up styrofoam and gasoline, and some nails and cutlery. He had heard how pirates would stuff forks, knives, spoons, and everything else in the cannons and fire them if they lacked normal ammunition and always found it funny.He fucking killed one old bastard on his way out by smashing him with a hammer, causing the man a massive stroke. Billy thought to himself the man shouk have eaten fewer burgers and he wouldn't be fucking dead.From there it was a short drive to the party, which had already begun. He was naked and insane, and roared into the party like a demon, laughing and smoking crack. He had lost it.With his mind gone to Hell, he rigged up his “presents” for the confused congregants, who saw the deranged and hallucinating man stumbling out of his jeep, in horror, as he lit the fuse and laughed maniacally, hurling the explosive onto the dining table, which had been set up in a picnic-like fashion, and it exploded into a fireball, sending food blasting in every direction, all roasted by the flames. Cutlery and nails flew everywhere and blasted everyone assembled while the flames began cooking them into charred remains.He stood there, his dick as hard as a granite block, laughing insanely as the guests got splattered by the sticky flame. It was like a scene from the Vietnam War as they screamed in pain and their skin began to melt. A few people outside the blast zone weren't suffering as such, but he had other plans for them.He took out a .44 and shot two men, then punched out some old bitch without any teeth and forcefed her her own dentures, shoving them down her throat. She choked to death.The two men he shot were then stapled together, for he had planned for such a contingency. As his ex and many others keeled over the table or ran around on fire and screaming, their skulls now effectively turned into blazing lanterns, their eyes aglow and smoldering, Billy began his ultimate escapade of evil, and presented the stapled men to the dying crowd, declaring it his “pet.” He ran to his ex and her boyfriend and smashed their burning heads together. The brains oozed out under steam pressure and out of their ears and noses, roasted and smoking. This gave him great pleasure and he whipped his wang across the dead boyfriend brain matter and found it thrilling.At this point everyone was dead or dying so Billy mounted the flaming table and declared that he was going to have a viking funeral, clutching his gun and a knife to his chest, he laid down- hallucinating and in ecstatic lunacy- in the flames, and laughed as the roaring fire began to engulf his body. He lauched as he died, flames and smoke furling out of his dying mouth, before he was reduced to nothing but a charred, smoking skeleton.In Hell, Billy was remanded into custody for turtle fucking but given clemency soon after because his final acts were hilarious. It was Astaroth who granted him clemency, but he only did it so he could more easily make him a sex slave. He spent the rest of eternity being fucked, but he was supplied with endless booze and so did not care much.
