Official Kiwifarms Turn-On List - Describe your ideal man here (women only).

[Deezy]

I agree with you especially when it’s the blond hair / blue eye combo

My man’s got the combo. It gives him a boyish look even though he’s getting old as shit. It’s a very charming feature

 

[GAY DEAD MUPPET GANGBANG]

I won't go into typical stuff (I think it goes without saying I'm not dating someone who is fat or hates animals, for example). I would say an actual turn on is a man that makes me laugh and does not get upset at my type of humor. It's rare that I can find a guy that knows how to "play bully/tease" without actually getting mean or insulting.

You know, I'm as timid as it gets sometimes, and even I know when your friends (or god forbid LIKE somebody) when someone is joking vs being serious. Am I an asshole that I almost can't help but tease everyone I get close to? Only that level though, otherwise I'm way too timid and meek. I can't help it, it's fun, it makes us all laugh and it's not the attention, it's just the bonding, I guess.

Anyway, I legit remember when I was younger, being friends with a girl slightly younger than me (online), and her telling me how one of her guy friends always believed EVERY single rib he ever received to the point he'd craft farewell apology letters EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

"I guess you've decided we can no longer be friends. I'm crying right now, but I wish all the best.
x Your forever best friend Keddy"



Yeah, that was a running joke between us for awhile after that one, and reading your post just made me think of that in particular. That must be the cringiest interaction you can imagine.

 

[Wuhan Wet Market]

Probably a strange one but when they are naturally very warm to the touch. I use my husband as a bed warmer sometimes and it's the most luxurious feeling in the world.

 

[SoberHeart]

I like red heads. I don't care much for facial hair (I would, if men styled them as they had in the olden times, but they don't, because they're worse than Niggers and taught no better by their parents), and I don't really care for body hair either. I admittedly fetishize and exalt poverty and I don't care much about their height. It depends on my mood a lot of the time, is that odd? He must be white. I don't particularly care for athletic or husky builds, I prefer thin and short, and slender. I have the tastes of a fourteen-year-old girl. I used to enjoy boy bands. My Chemical Romance going into their thirties was an unfortunate period of my life. Preferably my age or younger than me. He must cut his hair. I won't have some kinky-greaser-haired pinko in my family photos. He has to be light-eyed. I don't really care about hair colour as long as it isn't any darker than brown, I won't have any greaser children, but he must have blue or green or hazel eyes. I won't have some almond-eyed gookson staining any portion of my life. There'll be boys with elf ears one day and one day there'll be a way to permanently change your melanin count through nanotechnology but that day hasn't arrived and so you have to practice your own eugenics at home. On the contrary, however, if he's visually perfect in every manner, it's unsettling. I don't want to date someone that can potentially cheat, either.

Personality wise, I don't care too much, as long as he isn't super autistic about shit I don't care about, like the gym or cars. I love a guy that I can have shouting matches with. There's a lot of adrenaline that comes with a good verbal debate. I do enjoy a bit of immaturity, boyishness and foolishness although only until we have children. Not that I've been on many dates in my life with very many men, but the few that I had where the men were older than me by a margin and had any substantial grit to them was borderline repulsive. Regardless, The ideal man would resemble a outlaw horse taken up. If he arrives gentle or more knowledgeable than I, then there's little excitement to really be had. He should be wild or dim enough to have to be broken to the hand.

There are some men who believe a woman exists by permission, and that they can do whatever they please with you. My mother’s first husband put his hands on her once and he learned how brief a marriage can be. You have to do more than that, even as honourable as that was, you have to subdue and control them. Boys should be taught the limits of their breath. Most of them are fools. Animals in Sunday clothes. Idiots and pigs and niggers and retards and other worse things that do not name themselves honestly. When you find one untouched and pale and lovely in his ignorance, then you should try and keep him in that way and preserve that softness like a fruit in sugar, or as long as he serves useful.

Although, I have a soft spot for the abused. Ideally he would be a virgin, I don't have any interest in becoming a franchise for some adulterous bastard's corporation. Still, if he's got a past that leaves him vulnerable or angry or whathaveyou then that would be nice. I'm like a white savior but for other whites. This past cannot include other women, though, that's unacceptable and sin. It would be nice if he had a slouch and a scowl on that note. He should despise everyone he meets besides myself.

He must be a Christian and he must not have any sort of strange paraphilia that's outlined in any sort of textbook or is unmentionable. However, he must be a Calvinist. I will not tolerate Popery or any other forms of idolatry. He must have an interest in history, I need to be able to have a doll for the Regency fiction in my head. He must be able to read, and I don't mean in the way Gen Alpha read. The other day I was working with a group of middle schoolers and it seems that most of the children in Oregon are taught to sight read now, rather than sounding out the words. I was astonished by their difficulty to read even a single complex sentence. It's infuriating enough to cause a genocide. Anyways, he must be happy to have at minimum four children. I've had it planned in my head in a while. The ideal is to have six daughters and three sons. He must know how to use a dishwasher. I have been friends with so many men that look at dirty dishes like a horse shit there in the sink.

Oh, but, I don't wanna touch the wet food! It's gross!

I was surrounded by ten-year-olds with the bodies of twenty-year-olds for too long in my life. It's really pathetic. Could you really imagine it? Not even two centuries ago, should he had been born then, he would have been raking the shit and piss of dead Niggers in the Congo, or digging through the throat of some unfortunate Injun with a sabre, or crawling through the mud and guts of the Somme or Tannenberg and somehow touching Spaghetti that touched soapy water is worse than all three combined. It's ridiculous!

He must be willing to get married and he must be willing to socialise and integrate with my family. Ideally he would be alienated from his current family already. He should not be overly doting to animals, I don't want to have to console a man-sized twelve year old if we have to kill a dog or a horse or whatever other one of God's ersatz creatures. He should like the music that I like, I'm not listening to Nigger music and I'm not listening to whatever metal that your dad listened to in 1989. Indie rock or folk or old country music and that's it. He would ideally have no social media presence, although this is a light requirement given how pervasive this is into everyday life.

He should be able to competently write. I don't want to hark on the point about reading and writing constantly but this is one of my biggest pet peeve's. If the only writing and reading he does is for work, then he's a subhuman. If you have the intelligence and comprehension only slightly better than a Medieval Serf then your life is fundamentally just worth less to me.

He should, most importantly above all, be a good listener. And hate Niggers

 

[Paper Machete]

I don't care much for facial hair

I don't really care for body hair either

I prefer thin and short, and slender.

or younger than me.

I do enjoy a bit of immaturity, boyishness

If he arrives gentle or more knowledgeable than I, then there's little excitement to really be had. He should be wild or dim enough to have to be broken to the hand.

you have to subdue and control them.

When you find one untouched and pale and lovely in his ignorance, then you should try and keep him in that way and preserve that softness like a fruit in sugar, or as long as he serves useful.

Ideally he would be a virgin

Ideally he would be alienated from his current family already.

You unironically sound like a raging pedophile.

Stay away from little boys.

 

[Wuhan Wet Market]

Although, I have a soft spot for the abused. Ideally he would be a virgin

What ails you nigga

 

[SoberHeart]

You unironically sound like a raging pedophile.

Stay away from little boys.

I disagree

What ails you nigga

It's a good feeling to guide and aid the lost, I don't understand your confusion here

 

[Foundinglaunderer]

I just want someone who is kind , polite and a good listener

 

[ThePozzedOutCritic]

I want someone who'll let me kill and eat them

 

[THE SUPREME ORANGE]

i like big booty i cannot lie

I disagree

It's a good feeling to guide and aid the lost, I don't understand your confusion here

this nigga is a kid diddler, look at that pfp

 

[General Patton]

I've always been attracted to certain accents. If a guy has a nice accent, that's a turn on.

 

[Yuar Monica]

turn on: smell good
tun off: doesn't smell good

What kind of smell?
Popeyes chicken bucket?

 

[long waters]

What kind of smell?
Popeyes chicken bucket?

Has anyone tried making a smell-based dating service? You wear a shirt for a few days or maybe work out in it, then send it to the smell-center-inc. Women visit the smell-center and sample different shirts and if they like it, they can contact the owner of the shirt.

 

[thyme]

Has anyone tried making a smell-based dating service? You wear a shirt for a few days or maybe work out in it, then send it to the smell-center-inc. Women visit the smell-center and sample different shirts and if they like it, they can contact the owner of the shirt.

>women visit the smell-center
nigga do you hear yourself
what a gamble to take 'oh will this one smell like Degree or is it gonna smell like fucking assholes lets take a whiff'

 

[Otterly]

>women visit the smell-center
nigga do you hear yourself
what a gamble to take 'oh will this one smell like Degree or is it gonna smell like fucking assholes lets take a whiff'

Grain of truth in it though. Some men smell awful, and some men smell really good. Like over and above hygiene, which is non negotiable (and many men fail at) there’s a smell some men have that’s good.

 

[ThePozzedOutCritic]

Grain of truth in it though. Some men smell awful, and some men smell really good. Like over and above hygiene, which is non negotiable (and many men fail at) there’s a smell some men have that’s good.

what is this mysterious smell? could you describe it?

 

[Otterly]

what is this mysterious smell? could you describe it?

I’m not sure I can. Some men just smell good in a very specific way. It’s not a clean/not clean thing, but of course not washing makes you smell bad so keep clean.
If I had to describe it it’d be like a human version of petrichor - you know that smell when there’s fresh rain on earth? That’s the closest I can describe, but it’s a human smell not an earth one.
I don’t meet many men who smell like this but the ones I do it’s really noticeable. It’s only ever men, women never smell like this.
It’s not a cologne or any kind of scented product or body wash or laundry thing.
I’m not actually sure everyone can smell it. I suspect the human sense of smell varies greatly, and I know I can smell things other people don’t seem to be able to - I’ve had many a person tell me I’m insane when I say I can smell when the kids are getting sick, but also let other people who can smell exactly the same smell. I once knew a GP who said she could identify multiple ailments by smell alone.
Anyway, it’s kind of like damp rain on earth but far more animal, and it is very attractive.

 

[Wigger Rights Advocate]

I got off the pill a month ago and I animalistically want a young tall twinkish looking blonde dude with long hair. Unfortunately, with the twink appearance comes the... actually being a twink. Fuck my chud life.

 

[Jimmy Dean Bowl]

Grain of truth in it though. Some men smell awful, and some men smell really good. Like over and above hygiene, which is non negotiable (and many men fail at) there’s a smell some men have that’s good.

Accurate. My husband has the most intoxicating natural pheromone. Sometimes I just want to huff him.

My ideal guy: long hair, into rock/metal music, funny. Found him and married him.

 

[Otterly]

My husband has the most intoxicating natural pheromone. Sometimes I just want to huff him.

It’s weird isn’t it? I guess we are just animas on one level. Maybe some women smell great to some men too,