Picture it: You’re a non-trans girl and you’ve met a stunning, charming, brilliant transgender.
In June 2024, Autostraddle released an article by some guy who probably thinks transmisandry is real named Gabe Dunn entitled “A Trans Guy’s Guide to Picking Up a Trans Girl”.
Dunn’s thesis is very simple: As a transgender man, you [the presumed reader] have so much in common with trans girls, who are also a type of man, or something close enough, that they will fall helplessly right into your lap for you and suck you off. This is self-evidently fucking stupid. I’m probably going to have to write another article about that but suffice it to say Transgender Women Are Women, full stop, and have only universal human experiences in common with men.
If, however, you are a cis girl, you have so much in common with trans girls, who are also a type of girl, and not a third-gendered group, that they will fall helplessly right into your lap for you and let you suck them off. This doesn’t mean that picking up a trans girl is easy! You have to be willing to understand the emotions of a girl severed from her very self, who is likely going to have a hard time speaking up because she was likely abused, in past relationships and/or as a child.
You’re always going to be more socially acceptable than her. Your ambivalence towards your womanhood, imposed inescapably on you since childhood, seems alienating to somebody who longs spiritually for that status; you will in all likelihood have more capital, monetary and social. Power imbalances can make this difficult for both of you.
You can do it, of course. She’s not an alien,
or a man. You just have to keep certain things in mind.
- She is a woman. Treat her like one.
That’s it. That’s the whole list.
Now how do you treat a woman? You’re a lesbian, or a bisexual woman; how have your previous relationships gone?
What mistakes did you make there? If you’ve never debriefed with any of your exes on friendly terms, go do that immediately. If you don’t have any exes, go make some.
How do you, as a woman, want to be treated? That, as you already know instinctively, depends on the situation.
Sometimes you want the door held for you; sometimes having the door held for you presumes your weakness. There’s no shortcut to emotional intelligence and open communication, but here are a few signposts:
- Be nice because you like her, not because you want something.
- Take the initiative! She has been told her whole life that she is a sexual predator, and that her desires are dangerous; no amount of hinting will work. You have also been told this but she has been told this more.
- Pick up the tab sometimes, or agree to split it. You probably have more money than she does, anyway.
- If you’re butch, treat her like a femme. If you’re femme, be careful that treating her like a butch doesn’t cross any lines. If you are neither, be sure to examine your preconceptions.
ON ASKING HER OUT:
A special note here, on one of Dunn’s most egregious nice guy missteps: “Only compliment her on what she can control or what is mostly non-sexual. No great tits, even if they are great tits. (You can compliment those later.) ”
Dunn here invokes accepted social consensus to try and elide his typically masculine intentions: aesthetic compliments, we are told, should center around factors within the target’s control, not her body. Her taste is her own; her body is not a thing she can control.
Here’s the thing, though: transgender women put a lot of effort into fitting their bodies to their aesthetic tastes.
“’Don’t compliment her body’ she grew those herself!!! And let’s be honest she wants almost anyone to touch them! What, are you going to call her milady and tip your hat next? The most beautiful creatures of Earth long to be desired - give her what she wants!” - @HalimedeMF, 6/20/2024
She has gone to great pains to make herself so beautiful and she has never gotten to be sexually free in her life. Like you she has encountered the inevitable problem of having no way to stimulate both nipples and her most intimate places simultaneously, which only a partner can solve.
Like you, gender-deviant as desiring women is by nature for us, she has been scared that nobody she is attracted to will ever find her attractive! So tell her that you find her attractive; give her your socials; let her think about it. If she turns you down, she will still certainly have been flattered, even if she’s straight.
ON FIRST DATES:
You should already have a designated first date option: a restaurant where you can console yourself if things don’t work out with some of your favorite food; a nearby art gallery or museum with rotating exhibits, so visits don’t feel formulaic; a park or beach with a picnic basket or some food trucks. Ask if there’s anything she’d like to do but have that backup plan ready, and supplement beforehand by researching spaces for sitting and talking and food nearby.
Let her get used to being around you. An activity - escape room, chess game, ice skating; fit to spec - will let you both get a better sense of each other and give you something to discuss afterwards.
You want privacy but not to be alone. Stick to public spaces on a first date. As a woman you have the power to call for help at any time. It is good and right that you have this power, because it keeps you both safer, but
she may not realize that you have no intent of using it on her, due to awful experiences in her past. Men and women alike have hurt her - and to her, as to you, women’s opinions obviously matter more.
Consider bringing her flowers. Trans women are often worried that you see them as men; flowers make it clear that that is not the case. Ask her beforehand what her favorite flowers are - if she doesn’t have a favorite, pick something light, or lilies
1 for the
yurizoku connection (if you don’t know what this means, don’t). If you do this, have some kind of solution so she isn’t just holding them,
unless you’re a top and you think trapping her a little is cute and something she’d enjoy.
Relax!
She has your résumé; you’re doing your best (you’d better be!); nothing more is to be done. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy her!
ON INTIMACY:
Not a first date thing, unless you just wanted to hook up and made that clear from the start. Or things are heading that way; it’s all contextual. Making out and clothed stuff is fine though. Always leave her an out. And an in.
Know what you want; know what she wants. If you can’t tell, ask her. If she doesn’t know, you can figure it out with her or just give her time to think about it.
It is fine and normal to write scripts. Do not send her scripts unless you are absolutely sure she isn’t going to feel like that’s too much commitment.
Don’t treat her like a man. Tops get it easy here but tops get it easy in life. For everybody else: what that means exactly will depend on her. Making sure she knows other women who are tops may normalize topping for her, but can backfire.
(Formerly Hitachi) Magic Wands are anatomy-agnostic. Be aware: if she isn’t used to them, things may take a while, and if things take a while she might get sad, and if she gets sad things will take longer. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
People are too weird about anal. To be clear I’m not expressing any opinion on anal sex here, except that people are weirder about it than they should be.
If you date women you know your exes will talk about you; parlay this to your advantage.
Here is the cheat sheet for trans women’s common sexual neuroses and their sources; knowing either will help deduce the others. Keep in mind that
without the central sexually-polarizing non-con experience of being perceived as a teenage girl, trans girls are a bit more likely to have more esoteric kinks.
- Sexual Subjugation - I mean, she is a woman.
- Ageplay/Petplay/Hypnosis - societal bigotry leads her toward Freudian self-castration. She longs to be less than she is and accepted. If you aren’t into this kind of thing, be clear, lest she keep bringing it up.
- Watersports/Chastity - lack of control; pathological desire for release. Indulging these will make it harder for her to cheat; worth considering for that reason alone.
- Bondage - lack of control; pathological desire for restraint/punishment.Fiber arts are a feminine pursuit, and trans women often strive for technical expertise. Get her some good tutorials and safe rope and this will go excellently. You don’t have to be a rope top to enjoy binding and presenting her either.
- Impact Play - Will probably want to be hit, re-enacting the pain of her childhood. Be gentle, if you can stomach indulging at all. There is no shame in kindness.
- Faux-Incest - Desperate longing for severed family bonds often leaves transgender women scrambling to recreate sexualized versions of family dynamics. Cis lesbians also do this2 but we are thankfully quieter about it.
AFTERWARDS:
Text her and make sure she got home safely.
If you had sex, offer her the option to stay the night. You should always have extra sealed toothbrushes.
Figure out whether leaving your little wicker basket of sanitary supplies for visitors visible in your bathroom will make her feel safe or uncomfortable.
She desperately wants your approval. Keep in mind, however, that
trans women are disproportionately likely to be aware of the harms women can inflict on each other through first-hand experience, most likely via her mother. Family is terrible pillow talk, unless you want her to hold you while sobbing uncontrollably.
THE FUTURE:
Every girl is different! As you’re getting to know her, you can pull back from the generalities of both being women, and find out if you’re compatible beyond that. You have a foundation that puts you leaps and bounds ahead of any guy who’s ever tried to pick her up. You’ve got this, girl. Go get her!!!
1 unless she has a cat! to whom lilies would be poisonous.
2 cf. Goblin Market, Rosetti; The Devil Wears Prada, Weisberger;
at least some of your friend group, if they are gay and trust you enough to tell you/are messy enough that it’s obvious