How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Foxymophandlemama]

Not good.
I have an injury on my right foot. Physical therapy is helping but I'm still in pain almost all hours of the day. Despite that, I still have to go to work.

Because of this injury and other problems I had to spend a good amount of money and now I'm struggling financially, and that is not helping with my anxiety.

I try to tell myself everything is going to be alright in the end, that I will get healed and be able to pay my debts but there are times that my mind seems to dwell in negative thoughts only.

 

[DenseDeerFather]

Tired per usual and feeling generally anxious.

There was a break-in at work in the weekend. They smashed two windows, broke in, and stole a camera and a microphone. They probably would have stolen more but ran out of time, I guess. Police were called and turned out to be generally fucking useless. Stayed for like 10 minutes and fucked off, saying they'd make a report.

Nothing has come of it.

Also I got invited to a not-TED talk about autism as part of a "mental health awareness" initiative since I too am a loon. I kinda wanna not go since I'm a bit exhausted these days.

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

I just got a rejection letter from a very promising and simple data input gig: "we received 105 applications". Who is that for? Am I meant to go "oh so many people, of course I didn't get it, haha"? I feel hopeless cause I'm applying against people who are only accumulating days of employment in relevant positions while I'm trying to break into one such.

Maybe I should force myself to apply for 2 jobs a week again but I do like my job and I see maybe 5 realistic listings a month at that. I'd be fine with 20 rejections a week if there was some sense of me actually having a chance. Get just one wasteful interview now and then. We just got a third coordinator who has spent the last 3 months learning our IT platforms. My other boss joked "maybe we should ask (me) for help haha", how about fucking hiring me when I applied?

Long ago I finally met someone with the same job woes, same degree and same experiences. 3 months after our workshops ended, they were working in a bank in a title far beyond just picking up the phone. Really no fucking clue how they managed and I hate it. I've been left behind at every corner and even seeing a friend's brother work 10 different waiter jobs for the last 5 years I think "damn what a career man".

 

[Core Theorist]

My cat licked my fingers. I am continually blessed. I love my cat!

 

[obsdj]

My cat licked my fingers. I am continually blessed. I love my cat!

I still don't believe you. AHEM.

 

[Lukie]

I still don't believe you. AHEM.

I too wish to see proof of this cat.

@Core Theorist Perhaps a recent picture of my pup at the b.e.a.c.h may sweeten the deal?

 

[Core Theorist]

I still don't believe you. AHEM.

I too wish to see proof of this cat.
Perhaps a recent picture of my pup at the b.e.a.c.h may sweeten the deal?

I will never dox my cat! I am the steward of this forbidden, precious creature and they're ALL MINE!!! I do appreciate the doge though. I bet they're a good pup.

 

[Lukie]

I will never dox my cat! I am the steward of this forbidden, precious creature and they're ALL MINE!!! I do appreciate the doge though. I bet they're a good pup.

They're your cat's dox. I'm sure if you asked fur purrmission he would consneed.

He is a fine pup full of joy and mischief! There are currently strong debates at home. We are in the process or moving and he has his own armchair. Do we take the chair or throw it and we (me) build a window seat for him so he can bark his heart out at any passing neighbours.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

I really hate this.
Sorry for the very long rant but shit just has really ate at me for a while.
You see it's always the little things that remind you of the big issues in your life and hit the hardest.

Long story short, at work there was this guy who half the women want to fuck. Problem is I can't even hate the guy because he's a rare genuinely kind dude. He eventually talked about a girl who used to work there who I had an interest in and it wasn't mutual (she'd left before I joined so it wasn't me trying to date a coworker). Well we get to talking about her and eventually he just up and shows me on his phone some of the photos she sent him a while back and I just kind of... felt like shit.
Eventually I just asked how he does it and he said the usual "ah it's all about confidence man." And I just kind of was trying to hold back from telling him how it's not true.
You ever just have this proof that hits you one day that you'll never have whatever it is some people do and you can't cope your way out of it.

I just always find it annoying hearing that shit anymore. I straight up asked him if he could really have the same confidence if he was never given any positive attention and he seemed sure he would.
I don't know it just seems like bullshit anymore. It seems like one of those cycles if you didn't have it early enough you're just kind of fucked. The fact that the only people I see saying that kind of thing anymore seem to be the people who already have every reason to be okay with themselves.
And the funniest thing is you couldn't even hit him with the incel cope of "6'5 rich guy". Nah, he's fat and isn't too far from me with his opinions. He's always cool to me. He says crazy shit at work. I legitimately want to be happy that there's occasionally a good guy out there who things go well for....
But FUUUUUUUCCCKKKK...

I just kind of feel like shit. I know this isn't the Lonely Men thread or whatever but JESUS.

It should be nothing because that girl ended up having a shitload of issues but it's just another reminder I'll never be that. No matter how much I try or don't try it just ends up the same.
Like why is it so hard for the basics of life to work out? Why do I have to feel like a human contraception all the time?
It's not that I'm having low self-esteem. I just don't get how things can work out so well for some people, how people can be so wanted, and it can never work out for others.
How do you have any confidence when it was torn down from you when you were young? How the fuck do you gain self-respect when people have you put you down most of your life and the few times you stand your ground they still pounce and pull the rug? And is it worth anything when you finally do attain some of it and nobody else gives a shit.
That's assuming any of that is actually true when people give a reason and not just some catchall term people have when they can't just socially say "Because."
I just wish there was a clear answer but nobody ever really provides one for you so you just have to walk through the minefield, trying your best to not give into the negative thoughts that polite society tells you never to have about yourself and the internet tells you to always have about yourself.

You just... you don't think when you're being hit or degraded as a kid that that's always going to be you. You assume you'll break out of being that person and get the life you want. Sometimes it doesn't sink in you might always be that kid and it's just building you up for the world.

I know this is all a very longwinded TL;DR way of saying "I CAN'T GET NO HOES!". But it's not that. It's just human approval in general. It's this nagging feeling that never goes away. This feeling of even when you are walking with your shoulders high, you'll always have a reminder you're just that fucking guy. You were never going to succeed at those things and you never will.
It's just always something like that that happens when I'm really pushing myself to do better in life that makes it seem like a pointless endeavor.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

If I'm just being completely honest, I hate knowing I'm the type of guy that could disappear off the face of the earth tomorrow and nobody aside from maybe three people would really care. People would dislike me not showing up to do their job, but nobody would be aching. I can deal with loss and conflict and strife. I can deal with bad shit happening if it makes sense. Hell I can deal with hatred, that at least means something.
I just can't deal with feeling like a ghost anymore.

I know people don't like how much narcissism is used nowadays but later in the video is probably the closest way to explain how it feels going through this world. You've been branded and you just start to assume the people from your childhood were right because eventually that's how everyone treats you and you don't know anyway to claim reality or your own self.

EDIT: I know someone might use this shit against me at some point if I ever meet the reddit-tier posters that have to look up your whole history before they respond to something they disagree with so I might delete it because it just seems fucking pathetic. But yeah, shit just really hit today.

 

[Aib Ld]

Found termites all over the bathroom. Fucking hate these little shits and them dropping their wings everywhere. I even recently bought a new toothbrush so that was a waste. I hate their infestations and fearing the damage you can't see until its too late.

 

[Scott McCool]

Not good, but trying to be hopeful. I start physical therapy tomorrow for my back for what I thought originally was a minor muscle pain but turned out to be more serious. If this works then I'm excited to finally not be in pain someday soon!

 

[WhoBusTank69]

I hate knowing I'm the type of guy that could disappear off the face of the earth tomorrow and nobody aside from maybe three people would really care

I love knowing I'm the type of guy that could disappear off the face of the earth tomorrow and nobody aside from maybe three people would really care.
I may be squandering my positive traits but my experiences have taught me that popularity is a detriment for my particular train of thought. It's also probably some sort of autism. Don't know, never bothered and wont bother getting diagnosed because man-made tests will always be biased in the timeframe they're written.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

I love knowing I'm the type of guy that could disappear off the face of the earth tomorrow and nobody aside from maybe three people would really care.

I guess growing up I was raised on too many movies so I always thought not being normal would be "occassionally fucked with by an asshole or two while still being surrounded by a good amount of friends" and not the soul-crushing desolate feeling of complete apathy from the world mixed with horrible treatment from shitty bosses with hall-monitor complexes. I thought there'd be something more than this. It just feels cold when I see people easily able to have things in life or talking about frivolous shit.
I know some of it's the place I'm at and the fact I don't get out enough to meter myself around others. I just notice it more and more everyday where most the staff are playing grab ass.

I just think the hardest part is the lack of finality around everything. It's a weird spot where I feel sometimes like the favorite person of the favorite people I'm around but absolutely nothing to the rest. The people that have been dicks to me tend to be the ones most people hate. But I'm not anyone that anyone will reach out for or to. I get it, it's work, not life. But when it's 6 days a week and you don't have much time besides that it grinds you down.
So I'm kind of just left with my thoughts of wondering where I fall as a person. It's this feeling where I'm either extremely respected, disrespected or completely in the background.

I may be squandering my positive traits but my experiences have taught me that popularity is a detriment for my particular train of thought.

I wish I had this, but whenever I see it in other people it just seems... "off" to me. I know some say they like solitude to sound cool, but I legitimately don't understand not having the want/need for human company. I'm a lot better about it than I was a year ago if only to protect myself but it does seem foreign to just like not having company.
What brings it on for you, if you don't mind me asking? Personal choice or just wiring?

I think I'd love solitude if I could actually have it. Just being alone in a room full of people is when it gets hard.

 

[WhoBusTank69]

I know some say they like solitude to sound cool, but I legitimately don't understand not having the want/need for human company.
What brings it on for you, if you don't mind me asking? Personal choice or just wiring?

The opposite of popularity is not solitude, not that I don't have those moments as loneliness sucks like nothing else. It's just that my friends are few and far between whom I picked out and those are the only people I actually talk to.
But to answer your question; People have ideas of you that aren't real and assumptions or expectations you can't possibly know or meet can cause a lot of hurt for both people. I dislike celebrity and popularity because it's entirely out of your control, more often than not unconsciously setting you up for a very long drop. Best to be the weirdo upfront and keep people from getting too attached to what they think you aren't.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

It's just that my friends are few and far between whom I picked out and those are the only people I actually talk to.

That's fair. I find that I'm the same, although I really miss having a "friend group" of sorts to go out and do stuff with. There's something in a group setting that can't be done with two people and vice versa. It's not like I'm some complete weirdo sperg people hate. I have one really good friend I spend a day or two a week with, I have a friend I go to the gym with from work, and another guy just got me a couple records the other day. But there's this loneliness I can't ever breach that's partially of my own making and partially because some people have made it very hard to feel at ease with myself where I've been.

Best to be the weirdo upfront and keep people from getting too attached to what they think you aren't.

It's always weird to also be cool with or friends with the popular guy, because you start to always feel like you're in a shadow (or mogging I guess is the newer term). It's always been amazing to me what people are willing to deal with from said people even after some of their baggage has been aired. It's interesting when you become the weird guy for a couple things you say yet you see people doing/saying shit way worse than anything you put out and they just get a pass because they have some charisma or magic touch you don't.
I know we joke about the tism' on here, but I honestly think my most autistic trait is I really do want the world to act more like meritocracy and it pisses me off that I see it's always more of a popular vote than anything.

 

[#FreeRoss]

I have been feeling bad about some things today. I'm so sad that I missed out on my teenage years. I should have gone to school and played sports. I hate my mother so much. She screamed at me to shut up this morning, and that pissed me off so much, but I had to pretend and say "I love you." It's so infuriating watching her treat me and my dad like total trash while demanding respect for herself. I wish I could hit her legally; I would beat her so bad her face would look like a bruised potato. I would snap her wrists and make her scream in agony for the hurt she's caused me. I can't wait until she dies so I can light her body on fire.

Anyhow, on a positive note, today I got a rare moment of alone time when my mom went grocery shopping and my dad was working. It felt like a rock was lifted off of my chest. It's amazing how anxious my mom makes me. I feel so nervous when I'm around her. I have gotten to the point that I'm so anxious eating in public with my mom that I almost choke. and I can only eat about half of the food I ordered. versus when I'm alone. It's so peaceful; there's no gossip or drama and no verbal abuse when she's away. I wish it could be like this every day. The less I see my mother, the better I feel. Is this how it is for parents of abusers? I could only imagine what it's like having a mom you love that you don't have to fear being around.

 

[WhoBusTank69]

I know we joke about the tism' on here, but I honestly think my most autistic trait is I really do want the world to act more like meritocracy and it pisses me off that I see it's always more of a popular vote than anything.

I hate to break it to you, but the one who told you socializing was based on confidence was right. Bullshitting gets you places, both good and bad for the better and the worse.
Approaching with a smile and casual greeting is the baseline attempt, learning how far to press before you must acknowledge your own shortcomings while also committing the want to learn and improve the relationship platonic or otherwise. People crave genuine interest and providing that is the name of the game whether or not it is actually real.

The icebreaker feels like the hardest part but it's actually keeping it up that's difficult. I don't fake it, I don't care. Some people do and that's why they crash and burn.

 

[Zemblan Physics]

Do we take the chair or throw it and we (me) build a window seat for him so he can bark his heart out at any passing neighbours.

Why not both?

 

[AnOminous]

My cat purred and head-butted me. My cat is nice.