By EVELYN SANCHEZ — features@theaggie.org
Navigating the labyrinth of love can be especially difficult when Feb. 1 hits. During the month of romance, Valentine’s-related items and rhetoric can be ubiquitous and discouraging for people who aren’t lucky in love. For the LGBTQ+ community in particular, dating can often come with its unique ups and downs.
When describing the queer dating scene, UC Davis students shared many grievances.
“It is monotonous,” a fourth-year student, who requested to remain anonymous, said. “It is the same type of person, same shit. There’s not a lot of variation inside the dating pool. People fit inside this kind of bubble.”
Ana Julia Breves, a third-year political science and history major, expressed her opinion on the queer dating community at Davis specifically.
“It’s a little weird, since everybody seems to be connected,” Breves said via text message. “Like, you can’t talk to anyone without them either having a thing with someone you’re friends with or having beef with someone close to you.”
With the LGBTQ+ community already being relatively small, the number of single individuals is also drastically cut down. As these students shared, it is seemingly rare to find a person disconnected from the web of singles in a small college town like Davis.
“I think it definitely has a smaller pool,” Amaya Hamilton, a fourth-year psychology major, said via text message. “A lot of sapphics know each other and have shared partners.”
Hamilton explained her thoughts on the queer dating scene as a queer Black woman.
“Grievances? I guess being Black in a majority white and Asian space,” Hamilton said. The dating scene is pretty difficult for me as a queer Black woman. I find that I am not that many people’s type. I have faced discrimination from previous partners.”
Even amongst a population of 65,832 people, according to the United States census, Davis can seem homogenous and small to some students. The transactional nature of dating culture tends to perpetuate a specific type of relationship, especially among sapphics.
“Personally, I’m tired of people only wanting to hook up but that might just be because I only really use dating apps,” Breves said. “I’m kind of a clingy lover girl, unfortunately.”
Hamilton continued by sharing the prominent issue she has noticed in the dating pool.
“[Some] issues would be immaturity,” Hamilton said. “That would be number one.”
Breves continued saying that the limited options present a significant struggle in finding connection.
“I think it’s definitely harder to get through,” Breves said. “There’s obviously so many more straight people, so it’s easier to find someone you might click easily with. But the queer dating scene is much smaller so it feels like you have to talk to [an] endless amount of people before you find someone that might maybe have the same intentions as you do.”
Embracing non-heteronormative approaches to relationships is inherent to queerness. While heterosexual couples are able to engage in these types of relationships, the notable prevalence of polyamory seems to be most commonly found in queer spaces.
“I do see a lot more people who are poly, and not that that’s not a bad thing either,” the anonymous student said. “But, they’re not looking for the same type of relationships. I see more poly desire [in general]. It makes me question whether I want to be in a poly relationship, and I don’t think I’m ready for that.”
This student continued by discussing the lack of connection and complexity in the online dating scene.
“There’s no depth in the conversations you’re having, and that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s happening to everyone,” the anonymous student said. “But as a queer person on dating apps, there’s not a lot of organic [relationships] happening. I want [them] to be a complex character, and I feel like a lot of people aren’t — that might not be an issue in the queer dating scene [specifically], but it’s probably relatively true for a lot of people in the dating scene overall. The culture we are in doesn’t encourage authenticity.”
Despite sharing similarities, queer dating culture continues to be very different from heterosexual dating culture, according to students.
“Queer people, especially queer people of color, are forced into personality moratoriums much earlier than others because you have to hide a part of your personality, and that means when you’ve left hiding yourself behind, you come out as a new person,” the anonymous student said. “That does help with being able to communicate your boundaries.
Hamilton discussed the sentiment of community and understanding found in queer spaces.
“I think a positive would be the community that sapphics have,” Hamilton said. “It’s nice to have a partner who cares a lot. I feel like that’s rarer in straight relationships.”
The anonymous student, on the other hand, commented upon the different fears and insecurities faced uniquely by queer people.
“There’s a massive difference in what we are afraid of,” the anonymous student said in reference to targeted violence, familial and cultural pressure. “Oftentimes, a queer identity is at odds with the cultural hegemony. A lot of it has to do with queer people already breaking away from patriarchy or [trying to], but they’re not perfect. I think we are all trying to break away from harmful cultural norms, but I still think that queer people are doing it a lot better.”
LGBTQ+ students experience a vast amount of struggles, and openly seeking partners in a tense cultural climate is a challenge itself. Though Valentine’s Day can serve as a yearly reminder to those still looking for their other half, students agree that the general culture of dating is hard to navigate efficiently.
“Despite how agonized I feel about the queer dating scene, I would still rather go through it than the straight one,” Breves said. “As a lesbian, I think queer women would easily understand what I want much more than a straight man. There’s already a level of understanding and I think that’s comforting.”
