UK Man abused by girlfriend banned from using toilet

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Warning: This article contains details of abuse some may find distressing

A man who was kicked and punched, made to sleep on the floor and refused access to a toilet by his abusive ex-girlfriend says he wants to tell his story to help other victims.

Gareth Jones, 41, said it took more than a year of therapy to begin to recover from months of emotional and physical abuse from a woman he met online in July 2021.

A charity whose helpline he turned to said male domestic abuse was not as rare as some people may think - and one in six or seven men will be a victim in their lifetime.

The Mankind Initiative, external also found one in 25 men would suffer at the hands of a partner in Wales every year.

Earlier this year, 41-year-old Sarah Rigby, from Winsford in Cheshire, was given a 20-month prison sentence, external suspended for two years, at Chester Crown Court, after pleading guilty to coercive and controlling behaviour.

Det Con Sophie Ward of Cheshire Police described Rigby having a "stranglehold" over her victim, adding: "Many people think that only women can be victims of controlling and coercive behaviour, but as this case demonstrates, that is not always the case."

Mr Jones, an NHS manager originally from Pontypridd, Rhondda Cynon Taf, described being isolated from friends and family during their nine-month relationship, losing control of his finances and about £40,000.

He was subjected to daily verbal abuse and humiliation - not allowed to use the toilet in the house or shower without Rigby's permission.

Strict controls on his diet meant he lost 4.5 stone (28kg) in two months, while Rigby repeatedly told him she would tell the police he had assaulted her if he spoke to anyone about the abuse.

Speaking five months after the sentencing, he said at first the relationship seemed "normal", though in hindsight he could see that she was "overly affectionate".

"I guess they call it love bombing," he said.

"I thought 'how can this person be so loving?'.

"I think it takes you aback... you think this could really be the one, and this could work out.

"It was overly powerful."

He gave up his apartment and moved in to Rigby's home just four months after they met. It was then the abuse accelerated.

Rigby made him pay for all the time he previously spent at the house.

He also paid £700 a month in rent, plus all the bills, but was not allowed a key, and could only be in the property when she was home.

Restrictions were also placed on his use of the bathroom, and what he could and could not eat.

"She made me sleep on the floor with no covers if things weren't going her way, as a punishment," he said.

"I wasn't allowed to shower or shave, or use the toilet.

"I had to hold it in and try to make it down to the local supermarket or a pub or a restaurant.

"If she wanted to go out, I had to leave, even if I was trying to work."

Rigby would go through his phone, and tell him not to associate with family and friends, telling him "you are with me now".

Any texts he sent his mum, he would delete immediately to avoid repercussions.

There was physical abuse, including biting, kicking, scratching and clawing.

He described an occasion in London on a long weekend, when Rigby demanded he buy her a designer handbag.

"We were in Harrods and she said 'we're not leaving until you buy me something expensive'," he said.

"She clawed me through my jumper, my arm was actually bleeding, until she forced me into buying something expensive for her."

Five months after he moved in with Rigby, things came to a head when he met his mum in secret for a cup of coffee.

"She broke down in front of me," he said.

"I thought 'I can't put my family though it any longer'... they were imploring me to leave."

Around that time, Gareth made a call to the Mankind Initiative.

It confirmed he was suffering domestic violence - and hearing it from someone neutral helped him understand he needed to get out.

Gareth's mum Diane Debens said the family was "proud" of him for speaking out.

She said it put a huge strain on them, adding: "You go through a gamut of emotions.

"There's frustration. You want to shake them and say 'just get out of this'.

"You know they are going through pain. It's your child, no matter what age. And you feel helpless, really."

Ms Debens said they would see Gareth with bruises, which he would brush off, and on one occasion, a cut across his nose.

"I couldn't believe that one human being could treat another human being like this," she added.

Mankind Initiative chairman Mark Brooks praised Gareth's bravery in telling his story, and said the experience of men like him was not often heard about.

"There isn't much about male victims of domestic abuse," he said.

"It's not often talked about.

"So there isn't always that awareness, even for men that domestic abuse actually does and can actually happen to them."

Both Gareth and his mum hope he will feel ready to find love in the future, but he said he was not there yet.

Gareth left his abuser with "only the clothes on my back" and has had to start from scratch financially, make a new home, and build friendships back up - not to mention work he has had to put in rebuilding himself.

"It knocked my confidence for a long time... I had low self-esteem because of the constant abuse," he said.

"I had to go through therapy."

He added there was a stigma around men talking about being abused - and wanted to tell his story to try and change that.

If you've been affected by the issues in this story, help and support is available via the BBC Action Line.

BBC News
 
"We were in Harrods and she said 'we're not leaving until you buy me something expensive'," he said.

"She clawed me through my jumper, my arm was actually bleeding, until she forced me into buying something expensive for her."
What a manipulative psycho
 
Genuinely suprised they did something about this and it wasn't "He drove me to it".

This sounds too normal. I'm assuming one of the ministers will personally hand her a pardon , apologise and we can expect to see her on bank notes or something.
 
Even though the law is stacked against men, why the fuck didn't he just bail out and figure something out? Crash on a family members sofa or something until he sorted his own accommodation again. Its not like he was on a working class wage.
 
He sounds like a rich guy who never had much, if any, success with women.
Finally one shows up and seems to like him, and she's in.

BTW she's not even ugly
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But any other dude would realise their worth and leave. The only thing I learn from this story is that there's guys who really, really, really need a confidence boost. She had no actual power over him, he could've left, stood his ground, etc. But he seems like the kind of guy to feel like he has no other options.
 
Even though the law is stacked against men, why the fuck didn't he just bail out and figure something out? Crash on a family members sofa or something until he sorted his own accommodation again. Its not like he was on a working class wage.

Judging by this guy's passive nature and below average looks (not trying to be mean) it's likely the first time he has ever experienced "Love bombing" by a woman. He probably told himself he'd never find someone who cared about him that much, along with countless other excuses he likely made for her out of fear that he would never find someone who liked him as much as she did. just like some men target women with self esteem issues for easy sex, some women target men with low self esteem issues for free rides/punching bags like this. The unfortunate part is that when the woman misjudges the man and he stands up for himself, 9 times out of 10 he's still the bad guy in the eyes of the law/society.

That's why you eliminate from your life any person who has these sociopathic tendencies before they can wrap you up in them, because they will.
 
But any other dude would realise their worth and leave. The only thing I learn from this story is that there's guys who really, really, really need a confidence boost. She had no actual power over him, he could've left, stood his ground, etc. But he seems like the kind of guy to feel like he has no other options.
She kinda did, though: "Rigby repeatedly told him she would tell the police he had assaulted her if he spoke to anyone about the abuse". If you're an abusive girlfriend/wife then that's pretty much the ace up your sleeve. Give yourself a black eye, go to the police and say your partner assaulted you and you're probably fucked. If they're threatening that then it's really not as straightforward as just walking away.
 
She kinda did, though: "Rigby repeatedly told him she would tell the police he had assaulted her if he spoke to anyone about the abuse". If you're an abusive girlfriend/wife then that's pretty much the ace up your sleeve. Give yourself a black eye, go to the police and say your partner assaulted you and you're probably fucked. If they're threatening that then it's really not as straightforward as just walking away.
This is why you record these women when they make those threats. There's your smoking gun to hand over to the cops.

But she was controlling enough to go through his phone in this case.
 
Even though the law is stacked against men, why the fuck didn't he just bail out and figure something out?
These abusive relationships are maintained by making you think that in every altercation, something you've done is wrong. You're always the problem, you're not the one seeing it the right way, you're the one actually being unreasonable. "You're too stupid to understand, I'm staying with you for your own good. Do you want me to call the police on you and tell them what you did to me? You stay here or I'll tell them everything! Why would you do that?!" It really doesn't take long to put somebody in a suggestive mindset, man or woman, that they're always fucking up and are responsible for every inconvenience in the other's life. They can quickly be put in a position where they feel as though they're the only problem here that they compound by leaving, not to mention the guilt of being still unable to see it the 'right' way.

If you've never before been subordinate to a true malignant narcissist, you can be under this spell for years before your sense of dignity hardens and you mentally assert yourself.
 
Even though the law is stacked against men, why the fuck didn't he just bail out and figure something out? Crash on a family members sofa or something until he sorted his own accommodation again. Its not like he was on a working class wage.
He's a public sector worker. An accusation of any sort of action against a protected group is near enough catching the black death.

FYI, there are background checks that are carried out in most public sector jobs, or any private ones that involve contact with vulnerable people like the elderly or children.

These background checks throw up EVERYTHING. Even allegations that are proven false. Non Crime Hate Numbers, times you were arrested. It is intended to show up "Things relevant" to a check, like a speeding ticket won't show up if you're not a driver, but things like this tend to be deemed relevant a lot more often. Employers are judged harshly for employing people with these once they know, so they don't.

He said it himself. If he had been accused of abuse, that's it. Game over. No further questions necessary.

He may have escaped a jail term if he wasn't prosecuted, but he would have undoubtedly lost his job and been effectively disbarred from that sector.

It's a weapon very easily wielded in the UK against both men and women and not just in regards to domestic abuse.
 
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These abusive relationships are maintained by making you think that in every altercation, something you've done is wrong. You're always the problem, you're not the one seeing it the right way, you're the one actually being unreasonable. "You're too stupid to understand, I'm staying with you for your own good. Do you want me to call the police on you and tell them what you did to me? You stay here or I'll tell them everything! Why would you do that?!" It really doesn't take long to put somebody in a suggestive mindset, man or woman, that they're always fucking up and are responsible for every inconvenience in the other's life. They can quickly be put in a position where they feel as though they're the only problem here that they compound by leaving, not to mention the guilt of being still unable to see it the 'right' way.

If you've never before been subordinate to a true malignant narcissist, you can be under this spell for years before your sense of dignity hardens and you mentally assert yourself.
This is something I don't think I'd ever understand. I don't defer my own sense and thoughts on the morality of my actions to others, at least not in totality, sure I'll get other peoples opinions about it but I don't ever see how someone can get trapped like that unless they're in their early 20s. I think the guy was just desperate and got trapped.

He's a public sector worker. An accusation of any sort of action against a protected group is near enough catching the black death.

FYI, there are background checks that are carried out in most public sector jobs, or any private ones that involve contact with vulnerable people like the elderly or children.

These background checks throw up EVERYTHING. Even allegations that are proven false. Non Crime Hate Numbers, times you were arrested. It is intended to show up "Things relevant" to a check, like a speeding ticket won't show up if you're not a driver, but things like this tend to be deemed relevant a lot more often. Employers are judged harshly for employing people with these once they know, so they don't.

He said it himself. If he had been accused of abuse, that's it. Game over. No further questions necessary.

He may have escaped a jail term if he wasn't prosecuted, but he would have undoubtedly lost his job and been effectively disbarred from that sector.

It's a weapon very easily wielded in the UK against both men and women and not just in regards to domestic abuse.
I understand this angle more, accusations can destroy lives. Simp was desperate and didn't see the red flags before it was too late. Still, doesn't mean he wouldn't have been able to record some of the abusive exchanges in preparation for his exit.
 
Poor bloke.
These background checks throw up EVERYTHING. Even allegations that are proven false. Non Crime Hate Numbers, times you were arrested. It is intended to show up "Things relevant" to a check, like a speeding ticket won't show up if you're not a driver, but things like this tend to be deemed relevant a lot more often. Employers are judged harshly for employing people with these once they know, so they don't.

He said it himself. If he had been accused of abuse, that's it. Game over. No further questions necessary.
Yeah, it’s a huge threat to hold over someone and yet another way in which the state can screw you over without due process. A non crime hate incident can be put against you for almost anything and there’s no appealing it and no true due process - the police say it’s so and it is so. Meanwhile of course true criminals get away with all sorts - it genuinely is anarcho tyranny.
He’s lucky he got out and I hope he meets someone decent who treats him well
 
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