Opinion How the Talmud Can Change Your Life - It’s the greatest self-help book ever written. And isn’t that what we need right now?

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By Liel Leibovitz
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Like so many Jews, I’ve spent the last few weeks drowning in a torrent of terrors. The reports from Israel, documenting the worst single-day massacre of Jews since Hitler’s goons were stopped, are soul-crushing. Beheaded babies, families burned alive, women brutally raped: These stories haunt me, making it difficult to go about my day. And it doesn’t help much to step out in my own city, New York, and see pro-Hamas mobs flashing swastika signs and calling for the destruction of the world’s only Jewish state.

But I’m lucky. I have the best guide ever written to getting through tough times. It’s 2,711 pages long and 1,500 years old, and it’s the greatest self-help book ever written.

It’s the Talmud.

Flip to any random page, and even if you get through the Talmud’s unique design—like an ancient precursor to the internet, it consists of intertwined links, with text and commentary presented together on the same folio—you’re not likely to walk away inspired. To the extent that it’s a book at all—my friend, the writer Jonathan Rosen, called it “a drift net for catching God”—it does much more than merely tell stories. Instead, it records arguments, often intricate ones, almost always without telling you who’s right.

Dive in, however, and you’ll find precisely the pearls of wisdom needed to make it through even the toughest of times. Here’s a taste, a tale of what you ought to do when it seems like your world has come to an end.

The Talmud tells us that when Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai—who lived in the first century CE and was widely considered his generation’s leading scholar—realized that the Romans were about to sack Jerusalem, he went to see the emperor. He didn’t ask for mercy; the holy city, he understood, was doomed. Instead, he made three seemingly strange wishes.

He asked the emperor to spare Yavneh, a town in central Israel known as a vibrant center of Torah study. He asked the emperor to protect the family of Rabban Gamliel, a communal leader and the scion of a celebrated rabbinic dynasty. And he asked the emperor to send doctors to heal a wise and righteous rabbi named Tzadok, who was so grief-stricken about the impending catastrophe that he’d stopped eating.

Pay close attention to these requests, and you’ll see principles that can still guide us all today. In times of great upheaval, Rabbi Yochanan knew, we needed to embrace three difficult but essential truths.

First, when the worst happens, we can always start again. Even when our institutions are gutted and our homes burned down, figuratively or literally, we have permission to pack up and find some other place to go, and other people who share our convictions. There’s always Yavneh, a place of refuge that may not be where we had hoped to end up but that would at least keep us safe and see to it that we survive.

But survival, Rabbi Yochanan knew, wasn’t as simple as merely setting up shop elsewhere and announcing that business continues as usual. When you lose something—or someone—you love, you often also lose hope, wondering how life could possibly go on in the face of so much devastation. This is where Rabbi Yochanan’s second request comes in: By insisting that the same rabbinic dynasty that had been in charge for decades remained in place, he tethered the Jews to tradition, giving them an ember to remind them of the great spiritual fires that once burned bright and making them believe that these same fires may burn bright once again.

The biggest piece of the puzzle, though, was still missing: Even with somewhere to live and someone to trust and something to connect them to their more storied past, people still needed concrete instruction on how to live. Enter request number three. Rather than worry about “the Jews,” a mass of people whose names and stories he didn’t and couldn’t know, Rabbi Yochanan made a point of singling out just one man, his suffering friend. By doing so, he set an example of what he wanted the society he was rebuilding to look like. In Rabbi Yochanan’s imagination, the perfect community didn’t prattle on about abstractions like virtue and justice as it stood by idly while its people suffered; it slowed down for long enough to listen to the sobs of just one elderly man, find them intolerable, and step in to help.

These principles guide us still, giving us strength even as so many feel despondent. And they’re preserved in a book—a manual for living with defeat, to quote another wise rabbi, Leonard Cohen—written for broken people in broken times. The Talmud came to be because the Temple in Jerusalem, Judaism’s beating heart for centuries, was burned down in 70 CE. The rabbis saved the old religion from extinction by capturing it in a book. They recorded their stories and their disagreements in 63 sprawling volumes; to read it today is to enter into a conversation uninterrupted by space and time, with one generation offering to the next some sound advice on how to live and asking in return not for obedience but for contemplation and then action.

So Jewish or not, heartbroken or otherwise, jump right in. More than any other book you might’ve read, the Talmud can change your life.
 
Ya know usually I would go with the easy but fun joke about das juden here, but a couple months back out of sheer boredom and curiosity at so many schizos screeching about it being the literal necronomicom I tried to get round to reading the talmud myself just so I could see what the fuss was about

Turns out you need a careful set of instructions to read miniscule portions of it, and half of said instructions contradict eachother so I just gave up and decided I had better things to do than trawl through the kvetch source code, which upon vague inspection was literally just an endless fucking cycle of gayass dead rabbis arguing hypotheticals
 
Ya know usually I would go with the easy but fun joke about das juden here, but a couple months back out of sheer boredom and curiosity at so many schizos screeching about it being the literal necronomicom I tried to get round to reading the talmud myself just so I could see what the fuss was about

Turns out you need a careful set of instructions to read miniscule portions of it, and half of said instructions contradict eachother so I just gave up and decided I had better things to do than trawl through the kvetch source code, which upon vague inspection was literally just an endless fucking cycle of gayass dead rabbis arguing hypotheticals
Felt about the same when I decided to read the Quran one time; but mainly, if I'm gonna be talking shit, I should at least have an idea of what I'm talking about. I came to the conclusion that it's a shitty book that not even Allah could make perfect, because it apparently only makes sense when you read it it in Arabic; or Allah is autistic, and his followers are mad because their God is a fucking lunatic. Even when you get a translation that's certified by an Islamic authority, you read something distasteful, either the translation is wrong or you're misinterpreting of it; and the Quran is infallible. And look, there are a few things I can wholeheartedly agree with, namely no Interest on loans, but I'm not about to learn a whole new language and convert for that. But my main beef, as stupid as this may sound, is that it's written via longest to shortest verses. Not chronologically, not the musings of different witnesses to Mohammed, the longest shit at the front, and the shortest shit at the back... because Allah is fucking autistic.
 
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I do think the public need more awareness as to what the Talmud says, especially about non-jews!
Felt about the same when I decided to read the Quran one time; but mainly, if I'm gonna be talking shit, I should at least have an idea of what I'm talking about. I came to the conclusion that it's a shitty book that not even Allah could make perfect, because it apparently only makes sense when you read it it in Arabic; or Allah is autistic, and his followers are mad because their God is a fucking lunatic. Even when you get a translation that's certified by an Islamic authority, you read something distasteful, either the translation is wrong or you're misinterpreting of it; and the Quran is infallible. And look, there are a few things I can wholeheartedly agree with, namely no Interest on loans, but I'm not about to learn a whole new language and convert for that. But my main beef, as stupid as this may sound, is that it's written via longest to shortest verses. Not chronologically, not the musings of different witnesses to Mohammed, the longest shit at the front, and the shortest shit at the back... because Allah is fucking autistic.
is the bible one of the few texts that isn't batshit crazy?
 
Turns out you need a careful set of instructions to read miniscule portions of it, and half of said instructions contradict eachother so I just gave up and decided I had better things to do than trawl through the kvetch source code, which upon vague inspection was literally just an endless fucking cycle of gayass dead rabbis arguing hypotheticals
It is the most Jewish book ever written. Strange, ancient, but it just ends up being old men arguing with each other.
 
is the bible one of the few texts that isn't batshit crazy?
I'd wager that depends on your gauge of batshit crazy; they all have insane shit or simply bad writing (A begot B, lived for X years and died; B begot C, lived for Y years and died; C begot D, lived for Z years and died). Or the Book of John 3, being less than 20 sentences 36 verses in total, in fact all the numeric Johns not being collated into a single book as they're all very short. Willing to say part of it is cultural and just how much shit you're willing to tolerate. I'm not gonna hold The Bible up as the exemplar of writing; but as it's what I'm most familiar with, I am most friendly to it. My problem is I always struggled with faith, and the older I get, the more bat-shit insane I find myself being, because I start asking what is the truth, looking at other things, historical or otherwise, and determining that I'm probably a few void gazes away from going insane.
 
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Dive in, however, and you’ll find precisely the pearls of wisdom needed to make it through even the toughest of times.
I've never read the Talmud so I'll give it a go:
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I see. So you should spy on your spiritual leader going to the toilet and then maybe sneak into his bedroom and hide under his bed so you can listen to him have sex with his wife.
 
There is good stuff in all of the Sand Peoples' religious writing, be it the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Talmud, the Koran, the Book of Mormon, all the various commentaries and side books and Hadith and whatnot. The problem is finding the good stuff in the first place in the middle of so much horrible behaviors and God's instability. Now couple that with cultural norms that no longer exist, various cultural and social references that mattered 3,500 years ago that we simply don't fully understand, and the need to have people who studied these documents so they can tell us what they mean because half of the books simply aren't clear or are so full of morality tales or are allegory.

One would think if the almighty were to give a set of instructions to mankind, He wouldn't give them one that requires endless arguing among the learned to understand and that it would be simple and clear. And one would also expect the same God to not be thrilled when the same learned types try to rules lawyer their way around a prohibition.
 
I'd wager that depends on your gauge of batshit crazy; they all have insane shit or simply bad writing (A begot B, lived for X years and died; B begot C, lived for Y years and died; C begot D, lived for Z years and died). Or the Book of John 3, being less than 20 sentences 36 verses in total, in fact all the numeric Johns not being collated into a single book as they're all very short.
A lot of it is cultural too. The Old Testament was originally written by cultures in languages/eras a lot different from our own, as was the New Testament itself (although less different). There is a lot especially in the Pentateuch that goes far back into prehistory and myth making it hard to interpret without other sources - the Bible was never meant to stand alone.

The New Testament ones can be confusing because they're really separate letters, not books. This is also why they are specifically called "epistles" compared to the Gospels, Acts or Revelation.

The reason they're not combined is simply because they were originally three separate letters covering different topics. It's the same situation with the Pauline epistles, but he had a lot more to say so they are much longer.
 
Felt about the same when I decided to read the Quran one time; but mainly, if I'm gonna be talking shit, I should at least have an idea of what I'm talking about. I came to the conclusion that it's a shitty book that not even Allah could make perfect, because it apparently only makes sense when you read it it in Arabic; or Allah is autistic, and his followers are mad because their God is a fucking lunatic. Even when you get a translation that's certified by an Islamic authority, you read something distasteful, either the translation is wrong or you're misinterpreting of it; and the Quran is infallible.
Ah you have a good eye. Two points,

Yeah the Koran isn’t very long compared to the Bible, but it is a chore to understand. Most of it is about conversations between Muhammad and Allah. And when you read the way it was written down, it sounds like you just walked into a room where a disembodied voice is talking to Muhammad and yeah it’s confusing.

The way the Koran is organized is baffling. They ordered the books by length. Not chronologically, by how long the individual books were. Try to imagine reading a novel that way where the chapters are organized by how long they are rather than by story. You would be completely confused.

You are absolutely correct about Muslim scholars demeaning any western authors for trying to translate that mess. The most famous Arabic translator was Nessim Joseph Dawood, who also translated 1001 Arabian Nights. Most other translations before him were full of very cryptic old English that was simply illegible due to how Arabic has changed very little since the 7th century in order to “preserve” the original Arabic. But that’s not how language works and so the original Arabic is archaic.

And there is a 4chan user who made an actual serious scholarly effort to read the Koran and that was his big takeaway: Muhammad was autistic. I cannot find it at the moment but can someone do the work for me lol.

TLDR: Muhammad was Cornelius from fight club and created Tyler Durden (Allah) and started a religion by accident that he couldn’t stop. It’s pretty clear when he makes a bunch of rules that apply only to himself and not others lol. For example one rule about not depicting the prophet Muhammad was because at that time, people would make silly caricatures of public figures and he tried to get that forbidden.
 
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I do think the public need more awareness as to what the Talmud says, especially about non-jews!
My favorite part of that copy pasta is that there's no book of Libbre David, someone just made it up and people fell for it.

Ya know usually I would go with the easy but fun joke about das juden here, but a couple months back out of sheer boredom and curiosity at so many schizos screeching about it being the literal necronomicom I tried to get round to reading the talmud myself just so I could see what the fuss was about

Turns out you need a careful set of instructions to read miniscule portions of it, and half of said instructions contradict eachother so I just gave up and decided I had better things to do than trawl through the kvetch source code, which upon vague inspection was literally just an endless fucking cycle of gayass dead rabbis arguing hypotheticals
It's an incredibly autistic book that requires a lot of effort to read. That's why I find it funny when people claim the Talmud states something and ignore all the necessary commentary.

There's also funny content in it, it states that the biblical prostitute Rahav was so beautiful that if a man said her name 3 times he would instantly cum.

My favorite is

“We learned: A young pigeon which is found on the ground within fifty cubits of a cote belongs to the owner of the cote; if found beyond fifty cubits from the cote, it belongs to the finder... Rabbi Jeremiah raised the question: If one foot is within fifty cubits and the other beyond, how do we decide? It was for asking this question that they kicked Rabbi Jeremiah out of the House of Study for wasting the Sages time." Bava Batra 23b
 
Felt about the same when I decided to read the Quran one time; but mainly, if I'm gonna be talking shit, I should at least have an idea of what I'm talking about. I came to the conclusion that it's a shitty book that not even Allah could make perfect, because it apparently only makes sense when you read it it in Arabic; or Allah is autistic, and his followers are mad because their God is a fucking lunatic. Even when you get a translation that's certified by an Islamic authority, you read something distasteful, either the translation is wrong or you're misinterpreting of it; and the Quran is infallible. And look, there are a few things I can wholeheartedly agree with, namely no Interest on loans, but I'm not about to learn a whole new language and convert for that. But my main beef, as stupid as this may sound, is that it's written via longest to shortest verses. Not chronologically, not the musings of different witnesses to Mohammed, the longest shit at the front, and the shortest shit at the back... because Allah is fucking autistic.
That’s why Muslims are obsessed with memorizing it, you have to know the whole thing at once or it’s completely useless lol.
 
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