in a dark place, need support
I am grateful to anyone who reads to the end of this post.
I began my transition 9 years ago. Within me, I have always wanted so badly to be a bearded cuddly bear (gay terminology, bear as in hairy man). It's who I feel like inside and I don't know why that is. I feel so much better since I transistioned and I love being a man, but this shit is fucking exhausting, let's be real. I went through it all at school, the hiding, the confusion, the bullying, the loneliness, and got to college, university, went through so much fucking shit in my own personal life whilst I was dealing with this. Do you ever feel like the transition is bad enough and then you have all this other fucking shit going on and you never can catch a break? Recently, I made friends with two people who I decided not to tell I'm trans. Now, as we're closer, I have to effectively 'lie' whenever we talk about sex, pretending I know what having a penis feels like, for example. I decided not to tell them because I knew that if I did, they would treat me differently. I am now drifting from them, deliberately, because I can't shake off this sense of lying, but I'm relieved I didn't tell them. So what's the right fucking answer? How do I navigate a friendship world like that? Tell them I'm trans, be treated differently. Don't tell them, feel like I'm lying.
Anyway, the whole experience has just finally pushed me into one of my lowest points. I'm currently studying a sexuality module at university and I'm writing an essay on transgender people, which has meant delving into both sides of this huge debate over us, and it's just torn my mind in two. I began to curve into the people who were calling me mentally ill and wrong, because I took some comfort from it; I feel shit, fucking shit, and I wonder if my life would have been easier if I just never transistioned. But I know that's not true; This is the way that I feel. When my body starts to look like a bear, I feel happy. I wonder if that's just because I'm mentally ill - Maybe? But it's the truth. I started to have a real sense recently that I enjoyed having a vagina and being fucked that way. Guys started calling me the 'Pussy Bear' and things like that - I actually loved it! My sexual life became full of euphoria. But then there's this dark monster, called Dysphoria, you know him as well as I do, telling me that I'm surely then not really trans ftm because I like having a pussy. I feel like I'm in this horrible fucking place in between trans and cis and it's so lonely. It makes me feel like my entire life is a lie. I begin to feel like a freak, like I'm some girl who just has this ridiculous fantasy about being a bear with a pussy.
I feel so suicidal right now, like this is never going to get better. My life as a transgender person is so riddled with confusion and only horror waits for me. It hasn't helped that in the last decade I've watched as transgender people have become more and more of a joke to everyone. I can't do this.