[nervously, while denying having sex with animals] “... that damn Kiwi Farms“
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The mental deviations of an absolute idiot that nobody past the mental age of 13 takes seriously. Thus, the perfect writer for a rag like Wonkette.
It's the guy who wrote the first paragraph. Here's the real author:
Not once have I ever thought "Man, I want a Talking Heads and Barack Obama mashup."