2020 RESOLUTIONS | WEIGHT, MONEY, COLLEGE, ETC 1/2/2020 - StoryTimeLynn starts 2020 off with one helluva tall tale

[Pepper Jack]

445 Ellbees

 

[Mandaark]

She claims she lost weight all through November but stagnated in December and that's why she's not doing a weigh-in yet. If this is true (lol) that she has really lost weight, how fucking big was she before? We know wht she looked like just a few days ago.

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Seriously how big was she before

She had to make some pretty big claims after Eric sent her into damage control!

also lol sure jan, you managed to lose and maintain a lower weight during the holidays? when you had multiple meals for each holiday party, stacked desserts and treats, and you went out to eat for your multiple birthday celebrations?

X to doubt.

 

[Fandom Trash]

Honey BooBoo, we all saw Eric's video of your birthday.

No way you're loosing weight while eating cheesecake, donuts, and going out to eat every. Single. Day.

But I guess the new year just makes Amber feel the need to restart her cycle.

(Also, Happy New Years everyone!)

 

[ThoughtsAndPrayers]

How about - should not drink while taking fourth round of antibiotics for my infected cunt???
Fucking idiot

 

[BOLDYSPICY!]

I don't think she realizes what one hell of a Freudian slip "2020 bucket list" is.

Well, it's probably more "Amber is too fucking dumb to know that 'bucket list' is always used in the context of 'shit you want to do before you die'" than Amber implying she only has a year to live.

I'd say she's sealed her fate, but the human body can take cartoonish amounts of abuse before it finally gives out. I can honestly see Becky having a massive stroke or her kidneys take a shit long before AL finally drops dead.

 

[Kitty Catherine]

When she said 'lost a ton of weight...' she almost slipped and said 'gained 200 pounds'.

 

[L. Ron Hubbard's Cat]

I was thinking about the counselor/therapist situation. Assuming she's actually been seeing someone, she's pretty dismissive of the mere counselor she's been seeing, and wants to step it up a notch and get a *real* therapist. Someone "unbiased" who will let her sit and talk and cry.

I gather this means that she was just about over the "sit and cry" phase with her current counselor and onto the "let's actually work on some issues" phase. That's uncomfortable. It's not gratifying. Time for a new therapist, a real one this time. Another person who will indulge her, someone who "gets" her, perhaps.

Just an observation. I think the implications are interesting, especially given she's (supposedly) lost a bit of weight recently. Like, she's been seeing a counselor for a while, working on some issues, having a bit of success... But now it's gone to her head and she's on top of the world, booboo. She's in control. She knows best.

I think this is why, despite being pretty boring in most regards, I still follow this cow. She's just really transparent, and totally predictable to everyone *except* herself. It's just hard to look away from, and as dull as the next year is sure to be, I'm actually kinda looking forward to another twelve months of marveling at just how stupid and unself-aware a person can be.

 

[Strong Tomato]

Still boring.

Literally pretty much expected everything she said in the video, except for the very odd, re.tarded weight loss number.

 

[High-PH_Water]

445 Ellbees

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Reaching 445 elbees is dead easy, though. Emphasis 'dead'.

 

[saralovesjuicyfruit]

She wants to go back to writing poetry. At the mention of it my mind instantly flew back to that clip of her heartfelt reading of Rain and Petals Eavesdrop and I felt my uterus shrivel.

I really hope she follows through with writing more poetry. Her incomprehensible hilariously-bad poetry is my favorite thing about her and there's not nearly enough of it.

 

[MirnaMinkoff]

All I got out of it was she saves 40% for taxes, 30 for other savings, and 30 for spending. Which doesn’t seem remotely possible. We can see her spending habits and she has to pay rent for herself and Becky as well as insurance and gas for the car. Not adding up sis.

She also claims she wants to lose 127.4 pounds. I would love to know where she got that number. She should focus on small short goals, but nah, not her.

She just tweaked that 50/30/20 rule.

She went to read what sound financial budgeting looked like so she could claim to do it. Funny the biggest number is supposed to be for necessities (rent, food, clothes) but Amber assigns that taxes? Sure hon.

I guess since everyone knows she doesn’t pay quarterly taxes she’s up for a big hit every year so this lie to pretend she’s so responsible. In fact I’d say Vlogmas income was her entire plan to pay taxes.

 

[Puta Bruja]

I still don't get why the numbers after the decimal matter so much to her as if she is a 99 pound bulemic who's terrified of gaining half a pound.. Bc you can see a noticeable difference in ten pounds weigh gain or loss when you are a skinny Minnie.. Something Hamber will never know anything about.
But at her size.. Lol.. At her size it is impossible to notice when she gains or loses 5 to 10 lbs. That's a shit after her nightly binge.
It's always been comical to me that she feels justified enough to track her massive weight (gains) down to the exact ounce as if it holds any type significance. She really does not see that she isn't in the same boat as a normal woman stressing out about a couple lbz of pure holiday chub gain instead of the bohemouth death fatty she's made herself into.
I think if she ever did get the professional help she so desperately needed she could learn a lot about her eating disorders/mental illnesses and how tracking her weight down to the exact ounce at 600 fucking pounds and weighing herself daily is counter productive and self sabotaging.
I personally think she's too dumb, lazy, and narcissistic to admit that she doesn't know what works for her now and to seek out and truly follow through with professional care.

 

[Kitty Catherine]

I think it's a success she said she wanted to lose 127 pounds instead of saying her goal weight was 170 pounds. At least this goal is realistic.

 

[Tiki Bar Man]

Edit to put the recap behind a spoiler 'cause it's ginormous.

Spoiler: Recap of the Resolutions

Resolution One: Think More About College

"I used to go to college for criminal justice, but I didn't get to finish blah blah had to move blah blah criminal justice wasn't for me blah blah you don't need college to be successful blah but there are things that I'm very interested in AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN INTERESTED IN so it's on my 2020 bucket list."

Probability of followthrough: Very low.

Probability of hilarity: Extremely low. She either won't do it, or she'll apply and be rejected. Unless she goes to another diploma mill, in which case it'll just be another sad chapter in her lifetime of failures.


Resolution Two: Journal Every Day, Read More Books, Write More Poetry

"I want to journal daily. I want to read more. I want to write more, whether it's on the story I'm working on or poetry about my feelings... I really really really wanna write more poems. I love poetry, huuuuge passion of mine, and I love just, like, freestyle poetry where you just get your feelings out... Like what I do is just do it in like the notes section of my iPhone and I forget that I did it and then I find it like a month later and I'm like 'Dang, that's good booboo!' So, yeah. Like, I really really love writing."

Probability of followthrough: Medium. She might do some (and claim to do much more). She'll likely claim to stop sharing because of haydurs but will actually just not bother after a while.

Probability of hilarity: High. Please, gorl. Give us your "freestyle poems" about your feelings. Share with us the Great American Novel you're working on in the notes section of your iPhone. Gorl. Please.


Resolution Three: Pick Up After Myself More

"This one's kinda silly, but maybe not, but I just want to pick up after myself more. I have a bad habit of, like, [explanation of how she doesn't clean up after herself -- gorl, we get it, Jesus]. It's just simple things like that, I feel, add up."

Probability of followthrough: Low. I have to wonder if she came up with this on her own or if someone is sick of cleaning up after her. Regardless, she'll do it a bit and then regress to her usual slovenly mean.

Probability of hilarity: Low, but not negligible. It's not the cleaning itself that's got the potential here; it's the possibility that someone is pissed off at her spreading filth around the house and not doing anything about it. I'd keep an eye on the cleaning situation for further developments; could be an indicator of some behind the scenes drama which we may be fortunate enough to see erupt this year.


Resolution Four: Learn To Say No

"I think it's very important that I learn to say no. I let people walk all over me. When people ask me for something -- doesn't really matter what it is -- I always feel obligated to say yes. That's not always a bad thing. Like, I'm a very giving person blah blah blah I'm losing myself in being a yes man blah."

Bonus: Add "yes man" to the list of colloquialisms AL doesn't fucking get.

Probability of followthrough: High. What this little rant indicates to me is that she's in that Cluster B state where she feels exploited. All those people she paid to be her friends? Turns out they were only her friends because she was paying them! The nerve of some people! This resentment has been growing, and it looks like it might be coming to fruition.

Probability of hilarity: High, but it's possible a lot of it will be behind the scenes. I see drama along the lines of, "Destiny and Dana can buy their own toothpaste from now on! I'm sick of paying more than my share of the rent, and Eric and Rickie can just make up the difference! Hannah and Rafe can kick rocks! And Becky's family? I hope all their tits rot off!" Except, you know. More passive-aggressive.


Resolution Five: Cut/Dye Hair

"I promise you, in the year 2020, I will be cutting my hair and I will be dyeing it."

Bonus: Admits she doesn't brush it "for a few days" at a time; still tries to imply she washes it regularly in spite of that.

Probability of followthrough: Mid-high.

Probability of hilarity: Low, but since she's guaranteed to do something tacky and look awful, this will be an easy chuckle. Hopefully she'll time it to leaven a particularly boring patch of uploads.


Resolution Six: Weightloss and Fitness

"As you guys know, my highest weight is 572.4 [We know no such thing, Liarlynn, but go on] . I have a goal weight that I want to be by the end of this year. I want to lose, in total, which is part of what I've already lost, I want to be down, in total, 127.4 pounds, which will put me at 445. So I've already lost some of that 127.4, which I can't wait to share that with you guys, obviously, so yeah. I really want to reach 445 in this year [smirk]. Blah blah blah. Instead of just hoping and thinking that some magic fairy will come and sprinkle fairy dust, I actually need to work on succeeding on these goals. I want to walk a million steps this year. I know when I say that out loud I'm like, is that even possible? I'm like so confused. But when you guys divide that by 365, it's less than like 3000 steps a day. I feel like I could possibly even go over a million. Actually I feel like I know I can. But I just thought it was, like, a cute little goal. I'm not wearing my Apple Watch today, which would have been day one, because I forgot to charge it, but I'll definitely be wearing it tomorrow. I can't wait to take my Step One of the Million! I just think it'll be fun to try!"

Probability of followthrough: You tell me, Kiwis.

Probability of hilarity: I mean, this has been the driving force behind her channel and the secret to her success on YouTube. We all love to watch the fat girl lie to herself and get fatter.


Resolution Seven: Therapy

"As you guys know, I've been seeing someone. But they're actually just a counselor and I want to take a step up and see a therapist really bad because I feel like there are a lot of, like, hidden demons and just theeeeengs I need to just talk to someone about. I need to see someone who's not biased, who will tell me like it is, I need to just sit down I need to just cry. Blah blah blah."

Probability of followthrough: Does anyone care?

Probability of hilarity: Low. It could be funny to see her completely misunderstand and twist a therapist's advice to suit herself, but she does that with everything else already so it won't be that noticeable, really.


Resolution Eight: Food Journaling

"I want to write down everything I eat. I know there will be some days where I accidentally forget or I just skip, y'know, like I'm too lazy to write it down blah blah I've noticed that sometimes I forget what I eat throughout the day... overeat... blah blah blah."

Probability of followthrough: Low. We've been down this path shthoooooo many times...

Probability of hilarity: None, other than some potential butthurt when a haydur points out she hasn't done it. Again.


Resolution Nine: Create a Weightloss Instagram

"I had a weightloss Instagram, Curvycaloriess. I want to leave that behind. I had like 10000 people following me on that but I suck. I flopped on that. So I want to create a new one! [blah blah] When I have my first post up, when I'm ready to reveal my weight, I'll definitely make it public."

Probability of followthrough: Medium. She already has an Instagram she doesn't use, by her own admission. But something bright and shiny and new might hold her narcissistic attention long enough for a few posts at least.

Probability of hilarity: Mid-low. It's the status quo. Her Instagram was never the goldmine her Twitter is, imo.


Resolution Ten: Save Money

"I want to save money. Doesn't everyone? I feel like I did really good in 2019. I'm VERY proud of how much money I saved. Taxes is coming up. My bank account is gonna look dry. Just kidding! I want another year of just saving a ton of money. As soon as I get paid I automatically save 40% because my taxes are 31% but I want to be safer rather than sorry, honey! And then, I wanna say about another 30% I just save automatically. So the other 30% is for bills and buying random stuff. But some months, I hardly buy anything, so that's just more money I save. "

Probability of followthrough: No idea. We speculate enough about her finances elsewhere, so I won't get into it here. I'm noticing there's still no talk of insurance, though.

Probability of hilarity: Zero. Until and unless there's a major change in her channel (such as demonetization) there isn't much to m.ilk from her finances. Worth bearing in mind that she has these vast reserves of cash, though, in case another one of Becky's relatives needs surgery.


Resolution Eleven: Learn to Love Myself

"I wanna love myself more. Blah blah blah. [What she means is self-care... hair, nails, etc.] I want to treat myself better. Blah blah therapist blah radiate a happiness and glow blah health blah make me want to better myself."

Probability of followthrough: In any meaningful sense, zero. But I'm sure she'll continue to be "shthoo proud" of herself for making a minimal effort towards anything at all, whilst making excuses for every shortcoming and indulging every whim.

Probability of hilarity: This and the weightgain journey are why we tune in, isn't it?



Resolution Twelve: Stop Worrying About Making Good Videos or Content My Audience Wants and Just Do What I Please

"I want to film what I want for YouTube and upload it. I don't want to be afraid of judgment. I want to be myself. I see vlogs that are edited and they're very good and I've tried to do that in the past because I like it but I think I have to realize that's not my style and I need to discover my own style and film what I want blah blah there are thousands of YouTubers blah I just want to feel like I can do what I want and do what's right for my channel and not try to be like someone else blah blah I don't want to see something and try to do it."

Probability of followthrough: Extremely high, since it means even less work. She doesn't want to learn anything or do anything and now she's found a way to articulate that laziness to make it sound like a good thing. Only took her five years.

Probability of hilarity: In itself, very little. More of the same.

When the fuck has she never not spent money? Which month is the one she claims she's didn't buy anything? W shave had a haul or fast food video every month all the time. But I'm sure as usual all her fans and so called haydurs are going to eat this up and beileve her for the 100th tine.
Guys she's going to change 4 real dis time!1

 

[L. Ron Hubbard's Cat]

When the fuck has she never not spent money? Which month is the one she claims she's didn't buy anything? W shave had a haul or fast food video every month all the time. But I'm sure as usual all her fans and so called haydurs are going to eat this up and beileve her for the 100th tine.
Guys she's going to change 4 real dis time!1

Well... this is rank speculation, but she's said before that she makes more money from videos showing Torrid hauls, for example, than she spends on the Torrid tarps themselves. I think this is possible, technically, and I wonder if maybe she doesn't count that as "buying" stuff. It's not like she keeps 90% of the clothes or other junk; they're basically props for her channel that end up being gifted by Generouslynn when she needs to feel superior to some orbiter or another. And if the toys purchased aren't for her, do they really count as purchased toys?

But this might be way too sophisticated for our gorl's dry brain.

 

[PotatoSalad4711]

how tracking her weight down to the exact ounce at 600 fucking pounds and weighing herself daily is counter productive and self sabotaging.

She was told this before. The weight loss doctor told her to throw the scale out, which Amber took literally and bitched because she spent so much money on the scale...it’s now collecting dust in the corner apparently because “wonky batteries” (whatever the hell that means). The problem is she never follows through with anything beyond the exciting new phase.

 

[DubbleBubble]

Another year another cycle...

This is all just fluff to attract new financial feeders, those sweet innocent normie youtubers that stumble onto her and think this is a legit "weightloss journey". None of this is going to happen, none of it's even going to start to happen. Because Amber is at her core an incredibly simple animal. As long as she's taken care of, she can eat her feelings away, and has money to fill the void in her life with trash she's satisfied and thus has absolutely no urge to improve or correct her failing health. Everything is fine.

The only thing Amber has to look forward to in 2020 is more health complications, and death. If not this year then soon. Very soon.

 

[C3PBRO]

Yes I'm quoting myself, but the subject of Hamber's taxes becomes relevant once every blue moon (haha get it cause she's a fatass wearing a blue dress).

I have tweaked the numbers and links for 2020.

I'm probably repeating myself but it was from hundreds of pages back and it's become relevant again.

Self employment tax is fixed at 15.3% (this entails both medicare and social security).
Kentucky state taxes on taxable income above $75,000: 6%.
Federal income tax rate for individuals making between $85, 550 and $163,330: 24%.

Big AL would pay 45.3% of her YT income in taxes for 2020. This is based on what she says she makes, of course, which has jumped a couple of income brackets since she flashed her 2K earnings on a YouNow stream several years ago.

 

[RainbowStarlight]

She said she is cutting her hair. I guess its getting to that inevitable gruesomely obese point where ya just say "fuck it" and hack off your hair like a three year old with scissors. Amber being so girly, this worries me. It is a defined point of resignation to her hand to mouth syndrome.

I totally thought the same thing when she said that. She can no longer keep her arms up long enough to do anything with it, a la fatgorlflow. Using "I just wanted to try something different" as an excuse.

 

[Xenomorph]

The thing is for us old and tired cunts who have rode this slow cycle of death for years now we know what she is doing, there is no slips, it does not matter what weight she claims to be, we can SEE her not how she wants us to, how she really looks in reality not delusion. Shes only fooling herself because that is what she does, she doesn't look past her saggy titties at all times.
She doesn't own nor would ever get a long floor length mirror, she filters her photos and angles her cameras. She truly believes she is not bad, well at least not AS bad as her haydurs made her out to be. So join us, will you? It is better to understand that she isn't some sort of lying mastermind..shes a dumb ass hick who is losing the last remaining brain cells she has to oxygen deprivation.