I wish I could tell you that I love you. I know you well enough to know that we could continue to remain friends if I told you. But we would go through a rough patch, no doubt. You would eventually come back. You would eventually accept my feelings. But you would have a very hard time dealing with it at first. At times I've contemplated telling you. Clearly you're not getting any of my hints. But that's very you, isn't it?
Hell, I could probably tell you outright and you still wouldn't put two and two together. What am I hoping for with all of my cryptic shit?
If I told you, we wouldn't be close friends for a while. And that would kill me. I don't think I could emotionally handle that. When I'm with you, I am whole. I feel safe. I feel so happy, like there's this warmth radiating onto my chest and spreading through my veins to my fingertips. I feel loved. I enjoy every moment I spend with you. You make my day better. You make my life happy. You keep me going.
I feel like I can tell you anything. I don't feel the need to hide myself from you. I keep my mind hidden under trenches and steel walls, and then you made a door and waltzed in and made yourself comfortable on the couch without me knowing. I consider you a part of me. If I have anything to tell, you're always the first person.
That's why it's so painful to hide this secret from you. I want to tell you, not in the little hope that I can be with you, but because you're my best friend and I tell my best friend everything. I can count on one hand the other secrets I'm keeping from you. I'll even say it right now. Your mom frequently uses mushroom as a base for her soups and other meals, along with other vegetables you hate. There. That is literally the only other secret I'm keeping from you.
I want to tell you. The best I can hope for is that you'd respond, "Teenytinybaklava, I don't love you that way, but it's okay. Your feelings are valid. I'm still your best friend. I'm still here for you." That would take a lot of pressure off of me. But I know you. You'd be scared. You'd run. It's how you cope. And I'd be left without someone who makes my life so happy.
I know it can never happen, but my heart absolutely refuses to accept it. The reality is just too painful for it to comprehend. It sounds so fucking silly, right? It's just a crush. It's just my brain producing some dopamine or whatever other shit. And yet the feelings are so intense. It's unlike anything I'd ever felt.
The way I feel about you doesn't feel like the crushes I've had in the past. Most crushes have a start date. Mine doesn't. It happened slowly. Slowly, I appreciated things about you like I never did before. I noticed the little things. Like your different smiles. You smile all the time. But each smile is different. And when you're having a really good day, a fantastic day, you have this cute smile...it's almost relieved. It's the most genuine expression of you. I don't even think I have a picture of you with that smile, because you have a fotogesicht. You see, you always use your teeth to smile for photos, and also just in general. In that smile, you don't show your teeth. And you're very bashful. It's my favorite smile.
It's one of the things I like about you, but it doesn't make you perfect. You have many flaws. Many, many, many flaws. (I could keep going here for comedic effect but I have a feeling you wouldn't like that) But the difference is with you, I don't erase the flaws. I accept them as a part of you. And I am okay with them.
And mostly, when I have crushes, I turn into jello. Not with you. I don't hang around you because I love you. I hang around you because you're my best friend and I enjoy spending time with you. It's difficult to explain. Other loves are intense. You are a feeling of completeness and being content.
You see, I've always liked women. But for you, I starting becoming so comfortable with your personality and your character that it stopped mattering that you're a guy. It just sort of...fell out of view. It didn't matter because I felt connected. Unlike my other crushes, my love for you isn't based on physical looks. Not that you aren't cute. You're very cute. But that's not the reason my heart is set on you. It's more like I noticed how much I loved you on the inside and then my attraction to your looks fell into place naturally. It's very confusing for me. I've never felt this kind of crush before period, and then on top of that, you're a guy! I mean, come on! And the only guy I fall for is gay...
I tried ignoring this. Believe me, I tried so hard. I tried dating. I tried meeting other women. Remember Katie? Yup, that was an attempt to escape the reality of my love for you. Didn't work. I tried flirting with other women, and I just couldn't get myself to. I felt numb swiping left, right, left, left, right. I tried ogling other women on the streets. Porn. Everything. But I couldn't get myself into anyone else. The escapism wasn't a solution, so I got off the dating sites and accepted that I'm hung up on you.
Do you know how hard it is to move on? Do you know how painful it is to accept that we can never be together? Hint: it's so hard. It's so painful. Every move is a hint that you like me back, according to my heart. My mind can tell my heart as much as it wants that the signal isn't an intentional flirt, but dragging my heart away is like handling a toddler having a temper tantrum in the candy aisle of the supermarket.
When you wander aimlessly through Tinder, I want to tell you I'm an option. When we talk about who we need to end up with, I almost want to shout, "Hey I may not be a (cis)guy but I'm basically the personality you should end up with so why don't we skip a few steps there hmm?" And the jokes. When you asked me in that google hangout, "Have you had any crushes on gay guys?" jokingly, I wanted to slam my hands on the table and scream, "You don't even know, man. You have no idea."
And there's so many other ways that I'm confused too. I'm so confused about my gender right now. I keep thinking I'm just nonbinary. Then I think, nope, trans guy! Then nonbinary again. Then, hey, I can live as a woman. I can deal. Two seconds later, no, please don't ever make me live as a girl ever again. I want to chop my hair short because now when I have my hair long, I have to move it out of the way with a pony tail. And I feel so dysphoric when I have a ponytail. I cry. And when people call me miss or ma'am? It hurts. I want to walk on the street and get called sir. I still like my name (and I adore the nickname you've given me). And I could never take hormones because I love my voice. But if people on the street could think I'm a guy, I'd like that. And if I could get these lumps of fat off of my chest, I'd appreciate that too. But you said your favorite hair length is this length, and goddamn it my heart immediately went, "WE'RE KEEPING THE HAIR." You'd think my urge would be to become more masculine for you. I actually have to fight off the urge to be more feminine for you than I'm comfortable with. I blame my hormones.
You make me confused. You make my heart crazy. You make my mind feel at peace. You make my soul feel whole. And I can't tell you. I want what's best for you, so we can never be. Just don't tell me heart that or it will shatter.
~From 5 months ago~
