Insane or Enlightened? (170 Pages, 225 Book Pages)(Written during 40 Day fast)
UNFINISHED - ADD YOUR OWN ENDING (Contest for DogeCoin)
As you’ll soon find out, I am tied for the most open minded man in existence (and also tied for the most humble). You’ll realize who I share this title with later on in the book. Because of this title I’m going to make a bold statement that I know very well could be false, but until someone shows me otherwise, I entirely believe it to be true. Throughout this book you’ll begin to question your ideas of true and false. You’ll realize that truth is dynamic. Truth is relative. Truths are turned into falsehoods all the time to make way for newer, truer truths, and this is how human consciousness evolves. In fact, the biggest hindrance of the evolution of human consciousness is the inability for humans to give up their current truths, because it makes them question who they are. What they fail to realize is that deeply questioning who they are could lead to the most fulfilling, exciting, and mind-blowing journey they could have ever possibly imagined. So I urge you to question any and every truth, including this statement that is my current truth:
I am currently writing this book under the most unusual and unconventional circumstances and author has ever written a book. That’s a bold statement huh? Well please, show me the author who has me beat because I’d like to buy their book immediately. So what’s my current situation? Well let’s see…
I’m currently on day 5 of a 40 day fast. And I can promise this book will be completed by day 40 because most of it has already been written. I recently had what the doctors called a “manic episode” and I call a spiritual awakening where I wrote 22,000 words in less than 3 days. Imagine what I can do in 35. Ok, I admit. There might have been some mania involved, but I can promise you not an ounce of it was negative. This spiritual awakening had me thrown into the middle of the most complex, insane plan of my entire life. Because of the perfect execution of this plan, I spent 17 days in a psych ward. How did I get in there? Well because I faked my death in front of my 2.5 million youTube subscribers. Oh yeah, I’m a youtuber by the way. Why did I do this? Well, to tell the modern day story of Jesus and wake up the world. Confused yet? You should be. If you weren’t I wouldn’t have to write this book. I’ll get into the full story later, but I just want to let you know where I’m at right now. Not only am I on day 5 of a 40 day fast, but I’m livestreaming every second of the fast to the internet who, because of the insanity of this plan that unfolded, think I’m batshit crazy (minus a small percentage who are lucky enough to understand the plan). You can probably see the reason why the fast is exactly 40 days. Yes, of course it’s because of my blasphemous Jesus complex, but it actually goes much deeper than that which I will explain later in the book. So not only am a deprived of food, vitamins, and literally anything consumable except water for the next 35 days, but I’m also deprived of any privacy. This is totally fine with me. I’m also abstaining from any sex or masturbation for these 40 days. I have a camera on mm for 23 hours and 55 minutes every day. The only time I’m not on camera is when I go to the bathroom and during these 1 minute intervals 3 times per day where I have to restart the stream so I can save and archive the footage. I’m creating an archive of 40 days’ worth of footage so people can go back and watch to make sure not a single calorie went down my throat. It’s the only way to prove I actually did it. Now don’t worry, no one will accuse me of eating during those 5 minutes. I have also been periodically showing every nook and cranny in my entire apartment to the livestream so they know there’s no food I can sneakily eat for the few minutes I’m off stream.
But here’s the weirdest part: I’m in a seemingly awful situation. I have no food, no privacy, no sex, no masturbation, and the entire internet thinks I’m insane. I haven’t even mentioned the fact that my relationships with my friends and family are extremely rocky since I did just fake my death without telling anyone. But despite this situation, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. In fact, I reached the point where I simply cannot be unhappy every again. I’ve found it. The only thing anyone ever truly wants. Happiness. True unyielding happiness. The most powerful thing in our existence. Something so powerful that nothing in life matters to me right now except telling the world. Waking them up. Phase one was acting out the modern day story of Jesus to the public. Phase 2 was livestreaming a 40 day fast. Phase 3 is releasing this book. It’s all been part of the plan to get the world to the higher level of consciousness that it’s been seeking since its existence.
Now I can already see the eyes rolling. Sure Connor. Yeah you’re happy. For now. But as soon as this manic episode you’re in ends, you’ll slip back to reality. I don’t blame you for thinking that. That’s exactly what the doctors think as well. Doctors are pretty smart right? But you see, there’s an issue with listening to doctors when it comes to happiness, and it’s a pretty obvious one: they’re not happy. They’re simply not at a higher level of consciousness that the average person. Taking advice from someone who isn’t happy is like a kid learning to play basketball from a coach who’s never picked up a basketball in his life. The coach can read all the books on basketball he wants. He can watch all the basketball footage he can find, but he simply will never be someone an aspiring basketball player should listen to. This is a major issue in society today that’s keeping people from reaching a higher level state of consciousness. True happiness and true health are very connected, which I will talk more about later in this book. The more you increase your true physical, mental, and spiritual health, the more you will increase your true happiness. Unfortunately, doctors don’t know true health and happiness. Maybe there are a few enlightened doctors out there who knows, but for the most part, doctors simply don’t know what true happiness or true health is. Western medicine is a Band-Aid approach to health. Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s some great things about western medicine. It saves lives in emergency. But when it comes to the health of the average person, it simply gives them band aids. High blood pressure? Here’s some medication. Skin problem? Here’s some medication. Depressed? Here’s some more medication. What this does is mask a symptom or two. It doesn’t get to the root of the problem. Taking ibuprofen for back pain doesn’t fix your bad posture or your weak muscles. It simply reduces a symptom. With this approach to health, the person can never be truly healthy. They’re like a boat with holes in the hull. Instead of patching the hull properly, they’re putting duct tape over the holes, and the water is still slowly leaking through.  
Throughout reading this book, the key to actually getting something out of it is to be open minded. Open mindedness is a must. You’ll find that almost everything I say goes against societal constructs and advice from medical professionals. To help with this open mindedness let me remind you of the average person in society. The person who societal constructs and western medicine has created. The average person is depressed whether they know it or not. Depression has gotten so bad in the recent years it’s considered normal. The average person thinks feeling bad sometimes is normal. The average person is bored, and they consider it normal. The average person has insecurities, and they consider it normal. The average person feels many emotions they would consider negative, and they consider this normal. The average person’s mood is affected by the external world, and they consider this normal. Our life is full of suffering, but we just think it’s how life works. You think you’re not suffering, and you might now be relative to the average human, but compared to how you could be feeling, trust me you are. This is why I’m here. I’m here to agree with you that yes, these are all normal ways of thinking, but I’m here to help you wake the fuck up. You don’t have to have insecurities. You can have control of your emotions. You can truly have control of your own happiness. I know it seems farfetched, but know I’m not the first person to get here. There are millions across the planet who are awakened. There are millions across the planet who have figured out the truth and are free of suffering.
So stop looking at normality as the example. Look at people who are actually happy. Yes, I admit it. We are all crazy. 100%. But you need to sit down and seriously ask yourself this: who do you truly want to be? Someone who’s normal and suffering? Or someone who’s crazy and happy? If you ask yourself that question and look deep enough within, you’ll start to realize that the urge to be normal true insanity. You’ll start to realize that people like me aren’t the ones in psychosis, humanity is.
The incredible irony of the world is that literally everything we do in life is to try to get to a higher level of happiness. That’s all we truly want. Whatever that means to you. Everyone just wants to be happy. Yet, when we see someone that’s truly happy, we call him crazy, even though that’s exactly what we want. Why do we do this? Well, we want to think we’re doing things right. We don’t want to believe that there’s a whole other level of happiness that comes without any negative consequences. If we believe this, we have to admit we’re suffering, and that can cause pain. You have to realize though, that the first step to waking up is to realize you’re unconscious. The first step to happiness is realizing you’re unhappy.
Most people search their entire life for happiness and never get there because they never leave the false path. Throughout their entire lives they search for happiness externally. They think if they get a good job, they’ll be happy. Or if they meet the right romantic partner, they’ll be happy. Once they reach their goal, there’s a fleeting moment of enjoyment and then it’s back to where they were, so they try for the next goal. If I get a promotion, I’ll be happy. If I start a family, I’ll be happy. You can try this cycle until the day you die but, spoiler, it will never get you there. I was lucky enough to realize this at a very young age. I had an incredible amount of success in my early 20’s that I will be forever grateful for. Not because of the external pleasures that the success brought, but because of the powerful realization that it wasn’t the path to happiness. At 22 years old I had a life situation beyond my childhood dreams. I was a youtube star. I accomplished something I never thought was possible. I had fame. On a daily basis people would recognize me on the street and ask for a picture. I had money. More money than I knew what to do with. I had girls. Girls I couldn’t have imagined getting when I was a shy, introverted teenager. I lived in Los Angeles, the city I always wanted to be in. I was also the most unhappy I’ve ever been in my life. There’s no doubt the unhappiness came from this profound and ego destroying realization: My life situation is better than it ever was, better than I could have ever imagined it to be, but it didn’t improve my happiness. This is enough to send any man into a spiraling depression. Is this as good as it gets? Is this as good as I’m ever going to feel? If this is as good as it gets, life simply isn’t worth living. The only thing that kept me going in life was the hope that things would get better. That I would start feeling happy. If having a life better than my younger self could have imagined didn’t make me happy, would anything?
This was the moment I knew I had to search for happiness elsewhere. The moment I decided to get on the spiritual path. The funny thing is, I’ve now found that the spiritual path, the path to enlightenment, is actually the only path there ever was and the only path their ever will be. Every moment since the beginning of the universe has been part of this path. But this was the moment I realized I was hopping on it. The spiritual path that is. At the time, I had no idea what that entailed. I didn’t realize the extent of the path. I didn’t realize how deep it could go. I didn’t realize how it could shatter every paradigm I had ever learned. I didn’t realize I could get to a place of pure love and joy, where every fear I ever had in life completely vanished. I had no idea what true happiness could be. I simply thought if I started meditating, maybe I’d feel a little better.    
I did. I started to feel better. Not a lot. But any progress was motivating. I started out using this guided meditation app called Headspace. I’m not sponsored by anyone by the way, just telling you the story as it happened. Headspace was great because it taught me I hadn’t the slightest idea how to meditate. I thought meditating was about blocking out thoughts, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The lack of thoughts is just a symptom. The key for beginners is to realize what awareness is, to realize what it’s like to simply be aware of experience. Meditation starts out as simply noticing what is. You sit there with your eyes closed and pay attention to experience. Most people start off by focusing on their breath. Feeling every sensation of it as it passes in out of your nose. When a thought arises, as it inevitably will, you simply acknowledge the thought. Notice it, and let it fade away as you continue focusing on your breath. There’s really no effort. You’re simply just paying attention. A great state of mind for beginners is to think “Hmm, I wonder what my next thought is going to be.”
I started out mediating just 5 minutes every day. Wow. I had no idea how such a small sacrifice could change my perception of the world so quickly. Food started tasting better. The world started looking better. I notice sounds I hadn’t noticed before. Sex was better. I never realized what it was like to be in the present moment, but here I was. You’ll find that our mind is so clouded with thoughts we get lost in them. We become less conscious of the world. Back when I went to school in Texas, I was in a car accident. Not a bad one, luckily, but one that was completely my fault. While I was driving to the golf course (I played college golf by the way) I simply wasn’t paying attention and I rear ended a dad driving with his son. I couldn’t believe it just happened. My hands were on the wheel. My foot was on the break. My eyes were on the road. But somehow I was completely zoned out. I was lost in my head. Lost in my thoughts. I couldn’t help but picture how it could have been worse. I couldn’t get the image out of my mind of the son’s bloody head against the dashboard, unconscious from the impact. That was the majority of my experience. Thought. College was a stressful time. Juggling a double major in computational math and economics along with golf wasn’t easy. It had me constantly stressed. Constantly thinking. I can’t remember what I was thinking about that day, but it definitely wasn’t helping the issue. There was no reason I needed to get so lost in my head while I was driving. You’ll find most of our thoughts are unnecessary. They’re worrying about the future but that’s all they are. Worry. I was most likely worrying about all the homework I had to do later that night. There was nothing I could do about it in the car, there was no possible way thinking about the homework was going to somehow get rid of the problem, but I was still thinking about it. Luckily it was just a small accident. Years later when I started meditating in Los Angeles, I recalled this story and realized that being more present and less in my head could potentially save my life. At the time, I thought it was going to help me avoid a car accident, but now I realize it saved me in a completely different way. It saved my soul.
At this point, I still thought spirituality was this weird, esoteric fad that people latched onto to hide from their problems, just like religion. I cringed at the thought of the Los Angeles hippies who walked around with their peace sign t-shirts, high on who knows what, content working in a coffee shop, lacking the drive to be successful. I could imagine them going home and looking to the starts for guidance, talking to ghosts, or doing any other illogical practice that detached them further and further from reality. This is what I thought spirituality was. The only reason I was able to get myself to meditate was because of all the new science that was beginning to come out about it. I was the type of person who firmly believed you shouldn’t do or try anything when it comes to your health without looking at the scientific research behind it. This was a critical flaw that most of the western world has that I would soon fix. The issue with thinking like this is you’re limited to what science understands so far, which I know realize is a grain of sand in the vast desert of experience. I was so arrogant. For some reason I thought that if science hasn’t understood a certain phenomenon, it must not be true. Well in that case in the 1990’s I would have thought you were a lunatic if you were to say that it’s possible to talk to a virtual hologram of your friend from hundreds of miles away. Back then science had no understanding of such a phenomenon. Now, we simply call it FaceTime. Science has always been limited. There’s new science coming out every single day. I was so arrogant I believed that somehow we, as a collective scientific community, had all the answers to the modern world. If something is unexplainable by science, it must not be true, it couldn’t be that we simply haven’t found the scientific explanation yet. Or what was even more impossible in my mind was that science could somehow be wrong, and that future science could somehow reveal this. Science is science. It must be true. An example of a huge gap in science was the perception of smoking in the 1950s. Tobacco companies actually had doctors on their ad campaigns. This was common practice back then. The science about the negative health effects of cigarettes simply didn’t exist, so doctors promoted cigarettes. This is a good example to look back on because it shows that there can be gaps in science, and doctors can be objectively wrong. Now, I’ve realized the only truth you can ever know is from experience. All other external knowledge doesn’t have to be true, no matter how true it seems in the media or how true it’s made seem by medical professionals. The only thing we know that’s true, that we know we have, is experience. We know we are experiencing. We know we are conscious. Everything else is up for debate.
But back then, the only thing I could trust was science. So before I started meditation, I started looking at scientific studies. I read studies that showed that meditation reduced stress, controls anxiety, improves attention span, reduces memory loss, improves sleep, decreases blood pressure, and many more incredible health benefits. I saw that it worked by physiologically changing the brain. It actually shrinks the amygdala, a part of the brain that is associated with fear. I was sold, all these benefits just for paying attention for 5 minutes every day? Hell yeah. Why wouldn’t I? It was the least sacrifice for the greatest reward I had ever heard about. Funny enough, these rewards seem utterly meaningless to the rewards I would start coming across further down the path. Meditating for your health is like a naïve teenager buying a prostitute to play video games with because their friend told them they would do that. You’re completely unaware of the incredible potential such a practice has to offer.
This was where I was at. But I was content because I had finally found something that was improving my life beyond my life situation. With this meditative practice I could make all experience better. Throughout any circumstance I would have less stress, and my sensory perceptions would be heightened. I started to realize the power of simply paying attention to experience. I started realizing the power of awareness itself. So I began meditating more. 10 minutes per day then 20 minutes per day, then up to three hours per day right before my spiritual awakening. Soon I began to notice I didn’t get bored like I used to. I realized boredom is simply a lack of attention. A lack of focus. That is why disorders such as ADD and ADHD are growing more prevalent. Awareness is like a muscle. It can be trained. And society’s awareness has been getting weaker and weaker. Society’s thoughts are gaining more control and the average human is becoming less and less conscious. But I was realizing what it was like for consciousness to expand, and it was a great feeling. I had no idea this was just the beginning.
Because of my newfound love for meditation, all of a sudden things I previously had no interest in started to interest me. I became interested in Buddhist practice simply because I knew they meditated for many hours every day. I thought, wow, if there is a whole culture dedicated to meditating their entire lives, so much so that they give up many of the pleasures we all take for granted, there must be something profound to it.
I also started realizing the power of the present moment. I felt more present on a daily basis. I stopped reminiscing in the past and contemplating the future. I realized the present moment had so much more tranquility then the realm of thought I used to live in. Around this time I discovered the most popular book of all time about the present moment, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. Many of Eckhart’s teachings resonated with me. He talked about how all suffering is created by thought, by not living in the present moment. I completely agreed. It was a truth I had already discovered. Every ounce of suffering I had was due to thought. When I sat there and meditated and was truly absorbed in the present moment, all stress went away. I started learning more about this phenomenon. I began to learn of the concept of the ego.
At the time I only grasped the concept of the ego on a basic level. Now, I know it fully, because I’ve experienced what it’s like for it to completely die, which I’ll talk about later in this book.
The concept can be hard to grab for a lot of people because it’s all they know. And how we use the word in society today gets us confused. Many people think the word egotistical is synonymous with arrogant. And while yes, identifying with your ego is a type of arrogance because you think you know who you truly are when you don’t. Being egotistical goes far beyond that. Being egotistical means you identify who you are with only surface level concepts. Which makes sense when you think of the modern day meaning of egotistical. We commonly use the word egotistical to describe someone who is overly concerned with superficiality. It goes deeper than that though. The ego is also known as the false self in spirituality. It’s what you think makes you, you. Think to yourself, what distinguishes me from everyone else? Well you would probably say something like your body, your thoughts, your memories, your personality, your behaviors, and your ideologies. That’s what you think makes you, you. That’s the ego. The combination of everything you think makes you, you, and your attachment to it. It’s the identification with form. You’ll find that the ego is simply a physiological construct that acts as a sort of automated program, an unconscious action-reaction mechanism. Some sort of trigger is observed externally, and the ego reats internally. For example, someone tells you their opinion which contrasts to your beliefs. Immediately, without any critical thought, you’ll feel a little threatened and automatically think, “Well that’s not true.” Or someone insults you and you automatically get self conscious and defensive. You don’t even have control of your response. How do I know you’re not in control of your reaction? Well, no one would choose to feel such negative emotions so frequently. If you were truly in control and someone insults you, you wouldn’t choose to feel self conscious. That’s not a good feeling. Instead, you would simply choose to keep being happy. This is how the ego causes suffering. It causes you to feel negative feelings that you don’t truly want to feel. Most people would claim they have free will yet there’s not a shred of evidence for free will when it comes to their emotional state. Their emotional state is dictated by the external world, not them. Most people just accept this automatic programming as them. They believe they’re destined to be a victim of the external world. They believe this type of mental suffering is a natural part of the human experience. Well it’s not. This program doesn’t actually exist. It’s not a program. It’s not anything. It’s a psychological construct you developed in your mind, and it’s tricked you into thinking it is you.  
The ego isn’t you. The ego is simply a bundle of thoughts and sensations. It’s intangible. You can’t point to the ego. You can’t grasp the ego. You can only witness parts of the ego. You can only witness reactions of the ego. The ego is illusory. It doesn’t actually exist. We believe it to be this entity. We believe it to be us but it is not. To truly understand this concept, you must experience it. You must experience what it’s like to perceive experience without this false concept of who you are. Later on in this book I’ll show you the path to accomplish this, but for now, let’s go through some thought experiments to help you get a glimpse on why identifying with the ego doesn’t make sense.    
Let’s think of where all these aspects of you think as “you” came from. Because they weren’t always there. In your mind, you weren’t always the “you” you are now. You acquired all of these traits over time. None of these things you had when you were first born. Societal constructs and norms shaped your personality and behaviors. Experience gave you memories. The family that raised you gave you many of your ideologies. Food and exercise or lack thereof influenced your body. All these different aspects of your mind and body were acquired and developed into this cluster of thought called the ego. Well if all these things were acquired, who is the real you beyond them? We call these things yours. Your body. Your memories. Your behaviors. If these are all yours, then who is you? All these things that are yours are impermanent. They are transitory. They change all the time. Your beliefs change, your thoughts change, your behaviors change. But you feel like you’ve always been there. There is some you who has witnessed your entire life. Who was there before you had memories, before you had personality, before you had thoughts, before you behaved in a certain way? The you that is constant? That is unchanging? That is true? That is real? Nothing real can be threatened, yet everything that you think makes you can be. Beliefs can be changed. Thoughts disappear. You don’t have a single cell in your body that you did when you were a kid. So who are you actually?
Well, here’s where it gets a little weird. I’m about to attempt to explain the concept of oneness, the concept of non duality. Don’t expect to fully grasp this next concept now, because it’s impossible without actually experiencing it. I just have to tell you this know so you understand what people are trying to teach. What all spiritual teachers are trying to teach. The truth. The truth of the universe that is beyond belief. The truth of the universe that goes beyond faith. The truth of the universe that can actually be perceived through spiritual practice. The point of me telling you this right now isn’t to get you to understand this. In fact, people will fall into the trap of reading so much about this that the ego believes is has a complete understanding when in fact the ego has just grown stronger. This is something that can only be experienced when you weaken the ego. And don’t worry. There will be plenty of time for me to explain to you how to do this later in this book. So just think of this next paragraph as motivation. Motivation to keep learning and practicing spirituality. Realize many people already experience this. Not believe this. Experience it.
So what are you actually? What’s the you that’s permanent? What’s the you that’s always been there? What’s the you that’s aware of your thinking? The you is consciousness. The you is God. Same thing. The you is the you that is within everyone and everything. The you is the you from which all form arises. The you that is the universe. The you that is all of us. The you that is the creator. The creator of all form. The you that has always existed and always will exist. The you that makes us all one being. Woah. Lost you there? Yeah I bet. Don’t worry. You don’t have to attempt to understand it. This isn’t a theology class. You will have the opportunity to experience this through spiritual practice. In fact, it’s inevitable that the true you will, but more about that later.
Sometimes it helps to think about it like this. Think of the human experience as an onion. It has layers. On the surface is the ideologies, beliefs, and mindsets. These are very distinct in each human. No two humans have the exact same belief systems. Let’s go a little deeper to the emotional level. Emotions are something every human shares. Everyone knows what it’s like to feel anger, sadness, and joy (hopefully at least temporarily). But, these emotions are perceived in different ways. I, for example, perceive no emotions as negative. Every emotion is beautiful. I perceive the emotion of sadness just as if I experienced sadness in a movie. There’s no suffering behind it. There’s no attachment to it. The point is, the emotional level is much more similar among humans. Our perception of the emotions is different but we all feel the same emotions. So what if we go even deeper? In fact, what’s the deepest level we can get to? Can we get to a level that isn’t just similar among humans but the exact same? Yes we can. That level is awareness itself. The level of pure consciousness. If we strip away all thought, all sensations, all emotions, we are left with pure consciousness. The experience of being aware. The awareness that is aware of these thoughts, sensations, and emotions on a daily basis. This awareness is the exact same. The awareness within me is the exact same as the awareness in you. There is absolutely no difference. The difference in our experience is caused only by the mind. This is not the most difficult concept to grab. Sure, it make sense that we all have something the same within us. Where I start to lose people is when I explain that this pure consciousness within us isn’t segregated. It’s not that you have your own consciousness within you and I have my own consciousness within me. It’s all the same consciousness. The consciousness within you is simply a wave of the vast, infinite ocean of consciousness. The consciousness within me is simply another wave within the same ocean of consciousness. It is the part of you that is beyond the human form. It is the part of you that you have forgotten you are. The part of you that’s hidden by the ego.          
The ego just tricks you into thinking you’re only the ego. That you’re a temporary, individual self-comprised of thoughts and other form. This is the falseness we eventually must overcome to end suffering. The ego is the cause of all mental suffering. It makes us think the self is all we are. Think about it. Of course you suffer when you think you’re just a temporary fragment in the universe. We try to accept it but it will always be in the back of our minds. When we think the self is all we are, and the experience of the self is not exactly how we want it, we suffer. Thinking you are the ego is like a tree thinking it’s a leaf. Yes, I suppose a leaf is a leaf as well, but its part of something greater. It can’t stand alone without the tree. A leaf’s science only understands the leaf, but does that mean there isn’t a tree? Of course not. The ego hides the fact that we are the tree. The ego makes us completely forget this and believe we are just a leaf. And we suffer when the life of the leaf doesn’t go perfectly. If there’s a nicer leaf next to us, we get jealous, if an ant take a bit out of the leaf, we think we lost a part of ourselves, and suffer. The whole life of the leaf, we are terrified of the leave falling and withering away. We’ve forgotten that we can simply grow back another one. Or that we can simple go back to enjoying being the tree. That we never were the leaf. We simply had our awareness focused on the leaf. Well if we direct our focus beyond the leaf through spiritual practice such as mediation, we begin to wake up and realize we were never the leaf, we were the tree the whole time and it’s this giant moment of epiphany. You won’t be able to believe you forgot you were the tree. So that’s the goal of spiritual practice. Recognize and work to reduce the power of the ego so you can realize once again you’re the tree. Then, being the leaf becomes so much more enjoyable. It becomes complete freedom.
         Ok Connor really? Sounds like you’re still in psychosis. They let you out of the psych ward too early. I’m not a tree. I’m a human. Does anyone else actually teach this concept? Well yes. Mr. Eckhart Tolle teaches the exact same thing. You’ll find there are even more renowned spiritual teachers that teach this, you just haven’t realized it, because their teachings have been lost in translation after 1000s of years of being translated by translators who operate from the ego, not from oneness.
But before I talk about another one of these very special spiritual teachers, let me explain why they are teaching it and why this can benefit your life so much. So, if you are able to fully experience this concept, the fear of death completely goes away. Think about it. If you realize that you are an immortal entity. Consciousness itself. God. Then the human form while beautiful and enjoyable to experience, becomes insignificant in the grand scheme of things. The death of the body is trivial. It’s like your video game character dying. You still love the game and want the character to succeed, but when he inevitably dies, he dies. No big deal. Because you’re not the video game character. So when you’re able to experience the concept of oneness, not only does the fear of death go away, but all fears go away. All fears stem from the fear of death. All fears are simply human survival mechanisms. Think about it. Guys. Why are you so afraid to approach a girl and talk to her? Well, in tribal times, if you approached the wrong girl, the tribe’s leader’s girl, you could be killed. Game over. That’s it. Just cause you talked to a girl. All fears stem from the fear of death. If truly can realize death is an illusion, all fears diminish. Now of course, you basic human biology will attempt to keep these fears alive, but your knowing, your true knowing, the knowing that goes beyond the human form, is much stronger than that. You’ll find that when you awaken, your confidence skyrockets. Confidence is simply the absence of fear. Realizing the truth of the universe gives you the ultimate confidence because the fear of death goes away.
So what other bad things does the fear of death cause? The better question is what bad things doesn’t it cause? Belief in death is the root cause of chronic stress but we don’t even realize it. Almost every action we take revolves around the idea that experience is limited. That we will die. Because we think experience is limited, we prefer certain experiences over other ones. We are always trying to grab the best slice out of life. We want to have as many pleasuring experiences as we can and skip the not so pleasuring ones. We suffer when we experience “negative” experiences because we believe there’s an opportunity cost. We think we’d be happier if we were experiencing pleasure. There is this sense of rush in life to cram all the good experiences into 80 years. That’s our idea of a good life. Ironically, that feeling of rush causes stress and releases cortisol that shortens and decreases the quality of life. It makes us less happy and less healthy. The ego creates this illusion that we can achieve happiness at the expense of others. We think we’re this temporary, isolated fragment in the world that’s meant to snatch as much pleasure from the rest of the world before we disappear. This is the cause of much of the worlds evil. Corrupt corporations sacrifice their honesty and integrity for money. They take shortcuts. They make our food products unhealthier because it’s cheaper. Even if they know it’s bad for us they’ll advertise that it’s healthy. Corrupt corporations put their success over the health and happiness of the world, because they believe success will bring them happiness. What they don’t realize is that it’s only pushing them further away.    
Once you realize life doesn’t end after the death of the self, there is no rush, and you can actually enjoy the negative experiences. Now how is that possible To enjoy negative experiences you’re probably asking? Well, I want you to think of your favorite movie. That movie undoubtedly has conflict. It makes you experience anxiety or sadness, but you don’t get attached to the emotion. You don’t suffer. You enjoy it because it’s part of the movie and life goes on after the movie. Why do we put ourselves through these movies? If we know the movie is sad, why do we still watch it? Well because we enjoy the raw emotion of sadness. We don’t enjoy sadness when we become attached to it. When part of our identity is that emotion. Sadness will inevitably happen in the human life. Loved ones will die. But, sadness can come from a different place. There can be sadness without suffering, just as if your favorite character died in a movie.
That’s all life is. That’s what the universe is. An incredibly complicated 4D movie.
You start to realize how negative experiences create future joyful experiences. Let’s just say we always lived in a utopia. All we ever knew was the truth. All we ever experiences was an ego-free, pure human experience. We were born and raised in the concept of non-duality where we perceived all form as one. We were always completely enlightened. We were always the one collective consciousness taking on different form. That’s all we ever knew. Well, it would be great, yes. There would be no suffering. But, we’d be missing an important part that would make the experience truly incredible. Contrast. Gratitude. Experiencing this paradigm in this lower level of consciousness and then shattering the paradigm and entering into this higher level of consciousness is the most mind-blowing experience you could ever imagine. You’re left with an insane amount of gratitude. Heaven cannot exist without a hell. Heaven without a hell is simply normal. There’s nothing special about it. The universe, the collective consciousness, is creating incredible experiences for itself. But to make these experiences truly incredible, there must be relative suffering to experience relative joy.    
Now you’re probably thinking, well if there’s no fear of death, no negative experiences, and no rush, how will society be productive? Well it becomes productive in the right way. The realization true happiness is possible is extremely motivating. Society will be incredibly proactive to get there. But, the process will become enjoyable, and it won’t happen at the expense of others. It will stop focusing on GDP and starts focusing on actual quality of life. Our economic numbers don’t dictate our quality of life. What would you rather have? A bustling economy or true happiness? The answer is a no brainer.  
So now I hope you can see why experiencing the truth can be so valuable. Because your concept of death is thrown out the window, your fears go away, and all experience becomes incredible.
So, who’s the most well-known spiritual teacher of all time that taught these same concepts? The same teachings as Buddha and Eckhart Tolle? The concepts of collective consciousness and oneness? The concept of eternal life? The concept the God that is all of us? Drumroll please…
Jesus.  
I was raised in a standard Catholic household. My mom, dad, and sister would go to mass every Sunday. I went through all the catholic traditions: Baptism, first communion, and confirmation. First communion in a Catholic family is celebrated about 5 times more intensely than a birthday and you get about 5 times more money accumulated from your congratulatory cards. My elementary school back in Michigan was even catholic. Not the strict nuns hitting you with rulers catholic but catholic nonetheless. Chapel was a biweekly thing as was religious studies. As I grew older and moved to Arkansas with my family, I went to Sunday school after church every day. My family, especially my Mom, is still very orthodox catholic, so I’d like to start this off by apologizing to her. Mom, if you’re reading this. This would be a great place to stop.
Religion stopped making sense to me at a very young age. I began to realize my faith was low around 10 years old. The setting was around 2005 in Arkansas, right in the middle of the Midwest. The Bible belt. At the time, I would have been figuratively crucified if I were to express by true beliefs. Atheism and agnosticism were ruthlessly shunned. I remember in 7th grade there was one and only one openly atheist kid in the school. He was a total outcast. No kid wanted anything to do with him simply for his ideas of divinity. The sad part was, I was one of those kids. I wanted nothing to do with him. Not because I disagreed with this beliefs, but because I wanted to maintain the little social status that I had. At this time I was shy, nerdy looking kid who was regularly bullied. I absolutely hated my life at school. The last thing I wanted to do was give the bullies another reason to make my life a living hell. The sad part was, this outcast of the kid was the only one I related to. From a young age I was always a critical thinker. Somehow I was just resistant to brainwashing. I didn’t believe anyone or anything until I thought it through with logic. I don’t know where this superpower came from, but it truly is a superpower. This open mindedness is what allowed me to experience a spiritual awakening so early in life. But back then, it was the cause of a lot of suffering. I felt segregated from the rest of my community, and I had hide this feeling for my entire childhood. The idea of God and Jesus simply didn’t make any logical sense to me. Where and how does some man exist in the sky and how did his son come back to life from the dead? It simply didn’t abide by the laws of science I so diligently learned in science class. It simply wasn’t how I knew the world to work. How could I be the only one that thought this way? How could every single person I knew blindly believe a story out of a book? Faith they would say. Faith. How do you accumulate this faith? I wanted the faith. Of course I wanted to believe in God. That sounded wonderful. I was envious of people who did. I also wanted to believe in magic after reading the Harry Potter series. But I just couldn’t. Faith didn’t seem like a choice. And I was destined to live a life without faith.  
The idea of all these different religions is what really drew me away. I believed there must be one truth. That’s the essence of truth. It must be. All these different religions claiming theirs was the truth and that all others were false rubbed me the wrong way. I was frustrated by how arrogant religious people are. How do they know their way is the truth? And how can they be so discriminatory to people who don’t think the same way as they do? I started to realize there’s no way these people truly believe in their religion. There no way a person can truly believe that in just a few decades they’ll spend the rest of eternity is heaven, yet still be so unhappy. It’s impossible. I was right. Knowing what I know now, if you’re truly free from the illusion of death, if you truly believe a part of you is eternal and lives after the body dies, it’s 100% impossible to be unhappy. It just is. Now if you just have faith, if you’re only 95% sure of an afterlife, it’s extremely possible to be unhappy. In fact, it’s impossible to reach true happiness. The fear that you might only be this temporary entity in the universe will always be in the back of your mind. It will always cause suffering whether you admit it or not. I could also tell these religious people didn’t truly believe because of how offended they got if anyone questioned their beliefs. It was extremely rare that I witnessed a religious person who could have a calm, meaningful discussing about religion. The majority of what I saw was distain and dismissal or any opinion that was different from theirs. It was obvious that this came from insecurity. They were insecure about their beliefs. They didn’t truly believe and they didn’t want any external information to lessen their belief. I did understand this though. If in the back of your mind you realize that the truth could be inferior to the fantasy, of course you would want to reinforce the fantasy. Your perception is your reality. I’ve always acknowledged I’d rather be a blissful schizophrenic than a depressed, realist PhD in neuroscience. The issue was, no matter what I did, I couldn’t get myself to believe in the fantasy. My logical mind just wouldn’t let me do it. I would have gladly took a pill to change my brain chemistry to make be believe in a God, but as far as I know such a thing sadly doesn’t exist. At the time, I had no idea the truth could be better than the fantasy. I couldn’t even comprehend such a thing. What could be better than going to heaven after you die? Well, this. What we are experiencing right now. It’s so much more incredible. Somehow science, logic, and religion can align into a mind-blowing truth that makes the most opulent Christian fantasy look dull. At the time I couldn’t even imagine this concept, and I certainly couldn’t imagine actually experiencing it. My feelings of separateness continued.    
I suppressed these feelings for the next many years, especially to my family. I stopped going to church, but I would say it was because I simply didn’t like church. I would never dare say it was because I didn’t believe in God. As I grew older I began to meet people who thought more like me. Society began to become more open-minded about religion. Over the next decade, Christianity was on the decline, and atheism and agnosticism was on the rise. To my closest friends, I was less afraid to tell them exactly how I felt. I would tell them I was agnostic. I couldn’t believe in the Christian sense of God, but I was open minded enough not to reject the idea of some sort of higher power. The immense scale of the universe was mind-blowing to me. I figured there must be something out there we don’t know about, I just didn’t know what it was. I started to try and put band aids on the festering wound that was my fear of death. I started looking for other explanations for my existence besides a man in the sky. I came across some interesting theories. I found that Elon Musk was a proponent of the simulation theory. Essentially, given enough time, technology will be able to create life like simulations that are indistinguishable from reality. We have pretty lifelike virtual reality right now, and technology is increasing at an exponential rate. Given enough time, virtual reality will become perfect. When these simulations are possible, there could be millions, even billions of them going on at one time. Just simple probability would show that it’s essentially a 0% chance we’re not in a simulation. This theory made sense. I could believe it more than the man in the sky, but it didn’t provide me with compete relief. What if we were still in base reality? What if we hadn’t reached that technological level yet?
Around this time I started hoping for immortality. Seriously. I began to believe that if technology is increasing at such an exponential rate, it’s only a matter of time until we solve the issue of aging. I found they had already reversed aging in mice, and some companies were guaranteeing immortality in human in 20 years. That was a refreshing thought. All I have to do is survive another couple decades and make enough money to be able to afford it. I also looked into cryopreservation. Many rich people were freezing their bodies after they died in the hopes technology would be able to revive them sometime in the future. Awesome, I thought. If this whole reverse aging thing doesn’t happen, I’ll just sign up to freeze my body when I get older. I also learned about the potential science of mind uploading. Theoretically, our brain is just a complicated mapping of information that could potentially be uploaded to a computer and then connected to some sort of artificial avatar body. I believed that one day that could be possible too.
This way of thinking served me well for a while. In fact, it led to some self-improvement. I began to focus on health and longevity so I could live long enough to witness the invention of immortality. Now I definitely wasn’t happy. At this point in time I had just moved to Los Angeles as a rich and famous YouTuber. As you know, the realization that I wasn’t happy after essentially perfecting my life situation was depressing, but this thought of future immortality was able to numb the depression to a bearable level. I looked at it at the ultimate external accomplishment. If I became immortal, I could finally be happy. Just a few more decades of suffering. So all was well and good relatively speaking. At least I was doing better than before. Little did I know, what I thought of as an oasis of the mind was just a mirage in the mental desert of suffering.
It was 9 p.m. I had just gotten done working out at Gold’s Gym Venice, the most renowned bodybuilding gym on the planet. The gym Arnold used to lift at. I was fortunate enough to work out there every day. I could feel the energy in the air. Every time I gazed at the dozens of portraits of famous bodybuilders on the wall and could feel the history. There wasn’t a more motivating gym on the planet. My best workouts of my life took place in that gym. My workout partners were my two employees and best friends Alejandro and Phil. They moved to Los Angeles with me to do my videography and editing. Just like every night, we drove home to our nice little condo on Grant Street in Santa Monica. We had just smashed a chest workout and were excited to eat a protein packed post workout meal. We pulled into the garage in the alleyway behind our condo. We got out, picked up our gym bags, and started walking towards the gate. All of a sudden from about 50 feet away down the alleyway we heard some guy yell at us. “Wait! Hold up!” he screamed. Oh great, I thought. Another guy begging for money. Like I don’t get enough of that every time I go to Venice. He was a mixed guy wearing a baggy t-shirt. It was dark, but if I remember correctly he was some sort of mix of black and Latino. His messy dreadlocked hair flopped back and forth as he approached us. All of a sudden my heart skipped a beat when he was 15 feet away. He had a certain look in his eyes that I hadn’t seen before and he had his left hand behind his back. My body immediately filled with adrenaline. I didn’t know exactly what was about to happen, but I knew I was in a dangerous situation. He pulled out his left hand behind his back and pointed a sliver glock at Alejandro, the middle of the three of us. Alejandro will never be able to get this next moment out of his mind. The guy cocked the glock and pointed it directly at Alejandro’s groin. Now I don’t know if this guy meant to do that, and looking back on it it’s slightly comical, but I can assure you in the moment it wasn’t. “You fella’s from around here?” he asked with the most intimidating tone he could muster up. We didn’t know the correct answer so we just kind of mumbled some vague answer. “You guys carrying any smack?” Oh. Now I see. This guys in a gang. He thinks we’re in another gang. And he thinks we’re carrying heroin in our gym backs. What. The. Fuck. We all innocently say no. “Empty your pockets and drop the bags!” he says in an increasingly aggressive manner. Of course we comply. At this point Alejandro turns around and starts sprinting down the alleyway in the opposite direction. Phil and I stand there frozen not knowing what to do. Without even acknowledging Alejandro’s escape he says, “Don’t ever be showing up in my alleyway again.” After this he waved the gun at us implying we were free to go. Phil and I run through the gate and up to our condo. We have no way to call the cops because they took our phones. Luckily, Alejandro jumped through the window of the nearby Jack in the Box and called the cops from there. Weirdly enough when the police came to check out the crime scene, our bags were set neatly by our gate. We thought they would steal them. I’ve never heard of someone robbing someone at gunpoint then being so considerate afterwards. At least we got our stuff back, but that was the least of our issues. We were all mentally traumatized. Life had never seemed so fragile.          
After this, my mind took a weird turn. I had never really considered this before. What if I were to die early? I could pretty much guarantee immortality if a can just survive long enough for technology to get there. Some companies are guaranteeing 20 years so if I can survive double that I have to be good. You would think this was a pretty freeing thought. Not at all. It became the opposite. All of a sudden life had a far greater stake. With our current thinking, if we die young, yes it’s tragic, but a 20 year old casualty is only missing out on maybe 60 years of life. But what if immortality is guaranteed by the time he’s 80? Well then a 20 year old casualty is missing out on eternal life. All of a sudden everything in life seemed riskier. I became more paranoid. Was it even worth leaving the house? I could get into a car accident. I could get murdered. I was contemplating if I should just build an underground shelter and patiently wait until the solution for immortality came out so I didn’t risk dying beforehand. It didn’t take long before I snapped out of it. This was a horrible way to live. It’s not worth it. I would rather die that live a life in fear. I needed more answers.
This was the lowest part of my life. Not only was I depressed because my life situation didn’t give me happiness, but I was so paranoid about death I probably could have been diagnosed with a mental disorder. I needed something, and I found meditation.
After several months went by I decided to read the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Even though I was still pretty iffy on the spiritual side of things, I found that a ton of successful entrepreneurs were recommending this book. If successful logical people were reading it, I guess I might as well. I already knew the value of being in the present moment through meditation, so I figured the book could only intensify this feeling. Yes, I got a lot out of the book in terms of being in the present moment and recognizing the everyday tricks of the ego, but there was another very unexpected significance I got out of the book. Throughout this book, Eckhart talked about Jesus, but he talked about him in a much different way than Christians do. He conveyed Jesus not as some divine creature, but as simply a human. Simply a spiritual teacher. A teacher that was teaching the same thing Eckhart was teaching. Presence. Our true nature. God as the collective consciousness. Eckhart would teach and then relate his teachings back to the teachings of Jesus and Buddha and show that Jesus and Buddha were teaching the same exact thing as him. What. The. Fuck. My mind was blown. It all made perfect sense. I started getting goosebumps when I began to realize this. Jesus was teaching enlightenment. Jesus was teaching the exact same thing as Buddha. Jesus was teaching the same type of spiritualty Eckhart was teaching. Jesus was actually a human. Jesus’ teachings started making sense for the first time in my entire life. He wasn’t preaching about God as some man in the sky, but he was preaching about God as the collective consciousness within all of us. Heaven wasn’t some mystical realm. It was the peace of mind and freedom from suffering we could all obtain. Now at this time I didn’t perceive or experience the collective consciousness concept. I only vaguely understood in on an intellectual level. But it certainly made much more sense that a man in the sky. I could definitely admit that we all have consciousness within us. I could kind of see how it could all be one consciousness. But at the time it didn’t matter if I understood it. All that mattered was I believed all these teachers really found something. Buddha, Jesus, and Eckhart. They were living by this. It seemed as though this was a thing you can truly experience. A truth that goes beyond believe. A truth that goes beyond faith. A truth that is knowing. A truth you perceive. I had no doubt Eckhart was enlightened. He seemed to truly be happy. He seemed to be truly free from the ego. Of course I thought. That’s all Jesus and Buddha were. Enlightened humans teaching others the truth. There was just one truth. I knew it. All religions have been attempting to teach the same thing, they’ve just been misinterpreted over thousands of years of faulty translation by humans who didn’t understand the truth. At this point I didn’t even understand really what the truth was. I didn’t experience it in any way. I couldn’t perceive it in the slightest. But at this moment I knew it existed. I knew it was within my grasp. I knew with deep spiritual practice I could get there. As time went on and I started to better understand the ideas of the ego and the collective consciousness, or God, Jesus’ teachings made so much sense. It was the first time they actually hit me. They had ignited some sort of knowing deep within me. I would do everything I could to harness that knowing that’s hiding beyond the ego.
Let’s take a look at some quotes from Jesus and understand their true meaning. Some of them I heard from Eckhart, some of them I heard from other spiritual teachers like Alan Watts. Some of them I simply found on my own from reading the bible. At the time I first heard these quotes, I began to understand them on an intellectual level. Now, they are much more powerful. These quotes speak to my very being, my very essence. These quotes are pure truth that I’m experiencing right now.  
Let’s start out with one of the most famous quotes from Jesus that’s been lost in translation:
“I am the son of God”
This is from John 10:36. Now The King James Version of the Bible has “the” in italics before “Son of God” Most people infer this is for emphasis, but it’s not. Italics are used for words interpolated by the translators. “The,” was never actually there. It was added in the translation. You’ll find that the Greek bible said “son of God I am.” There was never any “the.” In the Greek language this is the same as having an indefinite article. There was simply an implied “a.” Jesus believed we are all sons of God meaning we all share the same God consciousness within all of us. Jesus never put himself above his fellow humans as if he were more divine. Don’t believe me? Well let’s look at some more verses that show this.
“Ye are Gods”
This is in Psalm 82:6. It should be getting more obvious. We are God. We are all the one God, the one ocean of consciousness. That is our true nature. That’s who we truly are.
“Whoever has seen me has seen the father”
This is from John 14:9. The true nature of Jesus is God, the father, consciousness itself. Many people considered that blasphemous, just as many will consider this book blasphemy, but Jesus was saying that his true nature and the father, or God, are the same entity.
“I and my father are one”
This is John 10:30. Again, Jesus is saying that he and God are the same thing.
“That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.”
This is from John 17:21. Here he is saying everything is one. All humans are part of the one collective consciousness, just as Jesus himself is.
“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves”
This is from Mathew 16:24. Here Jesus is referring to “themselves” as their false selves, their egos. The false self is what holds back Jesus’ followers from experiencing his teaching of Christ consciousness, or the kingdom of heaven. Here Jesus is telling his followers to deny the illusory self so that the true self may be uncovered.
“The kingdom of heaven is within you and the kingdom of god does not come with observation”
This is from Luke 17:20-21. The kingdom of heaven is within you. I don’t know how he could be clearer. Heaven, Nirvana, true peace and happiness, and freedom from suffering is within you. You experience this when you break free from the ego and experience consciousness at its purest form. Heaven also doesn’t come with observation. Heaven is not an object you can sense such as an image, thought, or sensation. These objects are appearances in consciousness. The kingdom of God is the consciousness in which all these objects appear. It cannot be observed. It is the consciousness through which all else is observed.
Here is a great example of how Jesus conveys himself as divine as the average human:
“I am the light of the world” (John 8:12)
Wait for it…
“You are the light of the world” (Mathew 5:14)
Yes. I don’t know how it can’t be obvious now. The light that Jesus had within him is within all of us. It’s able to be uncovered by literally everyone. This light is God. This light is consciousness. At the core Jesus was no different from you and me. He was simply awake. He recognized his true nature. He was enlightened. You can be too.
Now all these quotes were great. I began to make sense of Jesus’ teaching. I stopped seeing the Christian religion as crazy and started seeing it as misguided. The Christian religion was once pure. In fact, I believe all religions were once pure. The concept of the ego and collective consciousness is just so difficult for the average human to understand because they haven’t experienced it. It makes sense how the one true religion can get lost in translation when people with ego attempt to translate it. You can only effectively translate something you understand. Translators over time have not understood. I still had questions though. I could buy that Jesus was human and was simply teaching enlightenment, but there was a lot more digging to do. If Jesus was human how did he perform these so called miracles? If Jesus was human how on earth did he resurrect from the dead? Well there was only one way to find out. For the first time in my life, even though my beliefs were on the verge of blasphemy, I decided to read the gospel.
Wow. As I read through the books of Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John, my mind was blown. The answers were all there. Every answer that every seeker of truth has been looking for. There was heaps of unexpected evidence that Jesus was human. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. How have people not seen this? People have been so brainwashed, so closeminded that they can’t think critically. They can only take their precious book for face value. The explanation of seemingly divine occurrences was in the gospel. The explanation of Jesus’ miracles was in the gospel. The explanation of Jesus’ resurrection was in the gospel. It’s just not there explicitly. The gospel gives clues to what actually happened, but it still has to be put together. So that’s exactly what I did. I put all the pieces together.
Now, while I believe these puzzle pieces fit perfectly together, you may not. That is ok. The point of the explanation I’m about to give you isn’t to make you believe my puzzle. It’s simply to make you realize that there could be a complete led puzzle that is of this realm. The earthly realm. Not some divine realm. Unfortunately, Christians are going to turn away from this explanation because it questions their beliefs. It really is a shame because what they don’t realize is understanding that Jesus was human is much, much more powerful and comes with a much greater reward than believing he’s divine. If you believe Jesus was divine, you believe you get to go to heaven when you die. Cool. If you believe Jesus was human, you believe you can have everything Jesus had in this lifetime. Now that’s incredible. Think of the implications. If Jesus was truly human, then his higher level of consciousness is attainable. Jesus was truly happy. He was truly confident. No external circumstance could take this away from him. He was called blasphemous, he had stones thrown at him, he was considered crazy at first, but his incredible energy always prevailed. No matter what he was always good. He was free from sin. His life’s mission was to make the world a better place. And he had a great time doing so. If Jesus was truly human, well that’s suggests some pretty mind-blowing possibilities. If there was a man who got to a place of such joy and goodness where all sin and fear faded away. Where all that was left was pure good and love for others. What’s stopping the rest of the world from obtaining the same thing? Yeah. Think about it for a second. If Jesus was human, what if all humans found what he had. What would happen to the world? It wouldn’t just be heaven of the mind. It would be heaven. External and internal heaven. A true Golden Age. So what’s stopping people form having what Jesus had? Only the ego. That’s literally it. Only the illusion that makes us feel separate. Jesus experienced the one collective consciousness. That’s how he could have such unconditional love for others. He saw past the surface level psychological construct of the ego. He saw others as their true nature. Himself. God. How can you not love something when you realize it’s you? When you realize the universe is you, there’s no need for laws. You don’t have to tell someone not to chop of their own arm (well, not most people anyway), and the same concept applies when every human awakens. The world would become a giant family. Now I think you can see why he preached against sin. This gives a whole new meaning to the golden rule: treat others the way you would like to be treated. This makes perfect sense because “others” and “you” are one are the core. Sin doesn’t just harm others, it harms yourself because everything is one. You can notice this just by paying attention to experience. Unless you’re a psychopath, when you sin it goes against your conscience. Say you tell a lie to your friend. You feel bad about it for a while. If you do something worse, you might feel bad about it for a long time. Why is that? Why do we have that feeling of guilt when we harm others? Because others are us. We are all one. This is what Jesus was trying to teach. The feeling of guilt is real. If you harm another person, it hurts your mental health. As I’ll talk about later in this book, physical, mental, and spiritual health are all connected. Improving one improves the other and vice versa. Prolonged stresses such as the feeling of guilt can cause a chronic release of cortisol, the stress hormone, can disrupt nearly all of the body’s processes. It can lead to weight gain, heart disease, digestive problems, and depression. It starts off this negative feedback loop. All these effects then cause more stress which release even more cortisol and worsen these problems. Sinning has a much greater effect on our wellbeing than we think. Most of these stresses run in the background and we aren’t aware of them.
This was why forgiveness was so powerful. We accumulate mental stresses from childhood that we can carry with us our whole lives. I, for example, wasn’t the nicest to my sister growing up. I felt bad about that for years. I wasn’t free from that stress for over a decade until I was finally able to forgive myself after my spiritual awakening. Most people have so many hidden stresses that are ruining their health. Think about how stressed out people were back in Jesus’ time. The idea of forgiveness wasn’t as mainstream. People back then were terrified that their sins would cause them to be less favored by God in the afterlife. This guilt weighed heavier on them then it does on Christians today because Christians believe they just have to ask and they will be forgiven. Jesus was able to reduce mental stress significantly by offering forgiveness. Jesus also relieved stress with another key concept: the promise of an afterlife. As I’ve already explained, the fear of death is the cause of all fears. It’s the root cause of most of the chronic cortisol release we experience. The idea that experience is limited makes us stressed. It makes us rushed. Not only does that feeling of rush cause stress, but it makes us seek happiness at the expense of others, which leads to more deep rooted guilt, even if it’s not noticed. The promise of an afterlife can dramatically reduce a person’s chronic cortisol release. Forgiveness and the promise of an afterlife is powerful enough to reduce almost all mental stress if done so by someone perceived as divine. Think of the effects this can have on a person. Remember, mental, physical, and spiritual health is connected. Less stress means better physical health, and dramatically less stress means dramatically better physical health. I think you see know why Jesus was considered a healer.
But being a healer was a human act. Even his disciples performed healing miracle in the Bible.  
Let’s further look into Jesus’ miracles. It’s important to note that the Bible has great discrepancies in divine occurrences depending on who witnessed the event. For example, when Mary Magdalene found the tomb of Jesus to be empty, there was a man there to tell her that Jesus had risen from the dead. Or should I say two men. Well, no one will ever know. Each disciple told a very different story. In the Gospel Mathew describes this man as an angel. Mark describes him as just a normal person. Luke actually says there were 2 normal people there. So, if we just go off Mathew’s story, we believe in the divine. We believe in angels. But, if we go off anyone else’s story, there was nothing divine about it. It was an earthly occurrence within the scientific realm. You’ll find that every seemingly magical moment in the Bible could be explained by a different person as earthly, it just depended on who witnessed it. It was much more common back then to describe something as divine. The mind of humanity back then was much more open. They didn’t have the scientific understanding of the earth as we do today. Today, if anyone witnessed the same events that took place back then, they’d see them as normal, earthly events with no divine connection.
Now here’s where I make a pretty bold claim. I believe some of Jesus’ miracles were staged. Now I don’t think this takes anything away from how amazing of a person he was. Lying is only bad if it comes with bad intentions. If you lie for the good of humanity, there’s nothing wrong with it. You’ll find that Buddha told many lies to teach lessons. In fact, The Lotus Sutra does not deny that the Buddha lied, but uses the term falsehood. Jesus’ and Buddha’s lies didn’t go against their conscience, because they were operating out of love. The only wanted the best for the rest of the world. They both realized that there really is no pure truth. The truth is dynamic. Truths are learned only to then get to a higher truth and give up the outdated truth. At a higher level of consciousness, almost everything you say to the average human is in your mind, a falsehood. But it’s a falsehood that they need to understand as the truth in order to get them to the higher truth. This was Jesus’ mindset in staging miracles. He wanted to show how powerful God was and encourage people to search for this incredible power within. Performing these miracles also gave him more credibility, so more people would listen to his teachings, and he could spread the truth more easily. Once you find the truth, you won’t blame Jesus for lying. The truth is so incredible that if I knew what it entailed I would have happily gone through the world’s greatest torture to get here. Getting upset about Jesus lying is like getting upset over the following scenario.
Let’s say there’s this prank show. Each participant in the show received $10 million dollars at the end of it. The only catch is, they can’t know it’s a prank. So the prank show picks a participant, but they can’t tell the participant they’re about to be on the show. They can only tell their friend. The friend has to help out. So this prank is pretty brutal. This is a going to jail prank. The prank show tells the friend to accuse the participant of a crime. The police are in on it too. The police and the friend set up fake evidence. Then the unknowing participant is arrested. The participant is absolutely furious at the friend. How could he do such a thing? How could he lie and have me put in prison? Well after the day has past, everyone reveals it’s a prank, and the participant is given a $10 million check. The lying friend was operating out of pure love. They got nothing. They just wanted their friend to be happy. Of course, the participant thanked their friend. Who wouldn’t spend a day in jail for $10 million dollars? So don’t be upset with Jesus when his lies brought true happiness to people and they didn’t even have to suffer at all.
Now, I’m going to bring up this example later on in the book, because I’ll admit, faking my death caused some temporary suffering for some people close to me. But, if those same people can experience the truth and live a life truly free from mental suffering, well I think it was definitely worth it. I think it was far more reward for even less suffering than the jail example. Remember, I couldn’t have written this book without that stunt. That’s one of the most important parts of this book. Don’t worry its coming up soon.    
Now speaking of faking something, there’s evidence in the Bible that miracles were set up. Jesus was asked to do miracles on command but he could not. In the Bible, if Jesus was asked to perform miracles on command he would say “You shall not put the Lord Your God to the Test.” The staged miracles were relatively easy to pull off with high intellect and proper planning because of the lack of scientific understanding in that time period. Think if the world’s greatest magician went back 2000 years ago and did his best act. People would worship him. They’d think he’s divine. If these same acts happened in today’s society, they’d be called fake, or simply a magic act.
So let’s talk about Jesus’ greatest magic trick of all time: his resurrection from the dead. Yes, I believe this was all planned out. I believe he wanted to get arrested. I believe he wanted people to believe he resurrected from the dead. Why? Well first of all to show the power of the God within and to get people seeking the truth. Two, to increase his credibility so he could spread the truth more easily. And three, to free people from the illusion of death. This was so powerful. The only way from someone to be truly free of the illusion of death is to experience the truth for themselves. To experience they’re true nature beyond their physical body and mind. But, what’s the next best thing? To see someone else beat death. Jesus’ resurrection was so powerful because it freed so many people from the illusion of death. It made people truly believe in an afterlife. I’ve already discussed why freeing yourself from the illusion of death is so powerful. Jesus’ resurrection from the dead brought an immeasurable amount of peace and joy to the world. So, how did he do it? Well, the Bible gives us some pretty good hints.
So then when Jesus was on the cross the person guarding over him was called the centurion in the Bible which basically just means Roman officer. Now keep in mind the centurion was a believer (mark 15:39). And believers believe the word of Jesus even if he’s acting. So in Luke 23:46 Jesus actually announced he was going to die. He “called out with a loud voice, ‘Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.’” Then he “breathed his last.” Now to me, and if anyone in today’s time would have witnessed this, we’d know that this was obviously just acting. How could you possible know the exact moment you’re going to die, and be able to have that much energy to scream like that? Who is able to “call out with a loud voice” when their seconds away from death? A good actor. That’s who. Well back then, because the concept of divinity was considered real, the centurion completely bought it.
Now this was Joseph of Arimathea’s que. Joseph of Arimathea was this rich noble who was a disciple of Jesus and I believe he was one of the few in on the plan. He went to Pontious Pilote, the man who crucified Jesus and asked for the body. Now at this point in the Bible, Pilote was actually very surprised Jesus had died so early (Mark 15:44). Yes, in the Bible it literally says that Pilote was surprised he died so early. This should be your biggest clue. Jesus “died” much sooner than anyone thought he would. Based on his method of execution, it was simply too early for him to die. Jesus was on the cross for only 6 hours. From 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. Crucifixions could take up to 24 hours to kill someone. Not I get a lot of questions like “What about the spear? Wasn’t he stabbed with a spear?” Well yeah. In John 19:34 one of the soldiers pierced Jesus’ side with a spear, which drew some blood. But, it was just his side. It didn’t puncture and vital organs. Twas only a flesh wound. Plus, they wouldn’t have wanted him to die from a spear wound alone. The whole point of a crucifixion is to be slow and painful. There are arguments over what exactly causes death during a crucifixion, but the main two theories are gradual asphyxiation or gradual loss of fluids over time leading to organ failure. Now I can tell you there wasn’t much asphyxiation going on or Jesus wouldn’t have been able to scream that he was about to die. And 6 hours was usually not long enough to die of loss of fluids.  
So Pilote should have been surprised. Because Jesus was still alive. He was just acting dead. So how does Pilot verify he actually died? Check on him himself? Check Jesus’ pulse? Nope. The scientific things we do now were not commonly practiced back then. The only thing he did was ask the centurion (Mark 15:44). And of course, because he was a believer, and Jesus said he was going die then acted dead, the centurion said, “Yup he’s dead.” No those probably weren’t his exact words but the centurion did indeed confirm he was dea. That’s all the confirmation Pilot needed. And he gave the ownership of the body of Jesus completely over to Joseph of Arimathea.
So then Joseph took Jesus to a tomb. But not just any tomb. His tomb. Yes that’s right. A tomb he carved himself. Is it getting obvious yet? No one got to see the entire tomb. There could have easily been water to keep Jesus content for a few days. No need for food. Jesus was very experienced in fasting. He did 40 days, he could easily do 3.  
So after Jesus was put in the tomb, Pilote ordered the tomb to be guarded for 3 days because Jesus said He’d rise on the 3rd day. Well after 3 days, they left the tomb unguarded and Joseph or whoever else was in on the plan opened the tomb, and Jesus snuck over to Galilee in the middle of the night. When Mary Magdalene came to Jesus’ tomb in the morning the “man” or “angel” or “men” depending on which account you believe told her that Jesus had risen from the dead. It was literally the best magic trick in history and Jesus was the greatest actor and magician who ever lived.
Wow. Mind blown yet? Hopefully. But maybe you’re still skeptical. It’s one thing to hear about the story, but what if you were actually there to witness it. Even if you witnessed it but realized it was fake, the shear amazement that someone would go through those lengths to spread the truth would have to get you listening, right? Even if you were the biggest skeptic in the world, you might start getting an inkling that the truth might actually exist. Too bad Jesus isn’t around in modern time to do it again. The world needs the truth now more than ever. Religion is corrupted. Religion no longer brings peace and joy, only bigotry closed mindedness. It’s more obvious now than ever that the world is suffering. The world is in deep trouble, and it’s showing. Just look at the news.
Our mental and physical health is so terrible we became highly susceptible to a coronavirus. For some reason we blame this on the virus. Blaming a virus for you getting sick is like jumping in the cage of a tiger and blaming it for eating you. Let me rant for a little bit about COVID-19. This is what I think Jesus would say:
What if I told you viruses aren’t the issue? We are. What if I told you there’s a world out there where viruses, bacteria, and more complex life lived in perfect harmony, with no sickness? I want you to think of the amazon rainforest with so external influences. The pure natural amazon rainforest. Now I want you to imagine the tallest, most beautiful Dinizia tree you can think of. Don’t know what a Dinizia tree is? Just imagine a really cool big tree. Now imagine its life and the organisms it interacts with. In its natural state it lives symbiotically with fungi, plants, frogs, birds, monkeys, and all kinds of other life. Would it be the same tree without all this life around it? Could it stand alone? Maybe. But would it want to? Of course not. The tree is living harmoniously in one of the most beautiful ecosystems in the world. What if I told you we could be that tree? What if I told you in our natural state we interact symbiotically with viruses and bacteria with no issues? Let’s first talk about our natural biome and virome that we take for granted. Our first line of defense against disease is our skin. It’s the first stage of our immune system. On our skin we have millions of tiny microbes that live symbiotically with us, just as fungi live symbiotically on the roots of trees, helping them extract nutrients from the water and soil. How do our microbe friend help us? Well these microbes have been studied and it’s been shown that the skin ecosystem is much more complex than we think. The friendly bacteria on our skin actually alter the DNA of other more virulent microbes and actually make them less virulent. Yes, that’s right. Same bad bacteria, less likely to infect you. Virulent simply means likely to cause disease by the way. Good microbes also provide competition against bad microbes. The more good microbes we have on our body, the less likely we are to have bad ones. The biome is a commonly known thing but the virome is lesser known. We even have beneficial viruses on our skin. Research has shown that a higher diversity of certain non-virulent viruses decreases the probability of having certain virulent viruses on the skin. Bacteria and viruses are our friends, but we treat them like the enemies and ironically, it causes them to be the enemies. We kill off our friendly, disease fighting microbes and allow for an imbalance. We give the opportunity for bad microbes to flourish. The same goes with our gut microbes, which are arguably more important. We feel like we’re separate beings from these microbes but we’re not. They affect how we experience the world. There just as much a part of us as our minds. All of consciousness is one. They’ve actually done studies that should that gut bacteria can effect personality in mice. Yeah, not just physical health, mental health as well. They put unhealthy gut bacteria in mice and the mice had more anxiety. They took much more time to hop off a platform that the mice with healthy gut bacteria. Every bit of consciousness has an impact on how you experience consciousness because all consciousness it one. All consciousness is beautiful. All of consciousness can live in harmony. That’s it’s natural state. What really causes us to get sick? Well, we notice that some people get sick more often than others. In fact, we know that healthy people are less likely to get sick than unhealthy people. So why are we still blaming bacteria and viruses for disease? Why don’t we take responsibility for our health. Why haven’t we realized that the only possible way to get sick is through a fault somewhere in the immunes system? Just look at animals. Yes, disease happens. But in nature it’s far less likely than in society. Our health is terrible. We think getting sick a couple times per year is normal but it’s not. Our mental health is terrible. We have all this unnecessary stress caused by the ego. Our physical health is terrible. We put unnatural substances in and on our bodies. Our spiritual health is terrible which just amplifies our physical and mental health problems. We need to be careful because if our health continues to decline, these pandemics will become the norm.
Over past 6 months I’ve really worked on becoming healthier. I used to think that I was healthy simply because I was in shape. I was so wrong.  Last year I had a sore throat on and off for months. My allergies were terrible. My energy levels were low. I switched over to an anti-inflammatory, unprocessed diet and stopped putting any sort of unnatural chemicals on my body and I deepened my meditation practice. The results surprised me. I haven’t felt even the slightest cold coming on since. Back in march I took a trip to Vegas to film some YouTube content with some business partners. A few guys I was working with got sick near the end of the trip. The main guy got tested when he got home and guess what it was. Yup. COVID. I just kind of assumed I already had it. I spent a whole week right next to this guy in confined spaces. There was no way I wasn’t exposed to it. I could literally remember this guy accidentally spitting on me multiple times in conversation. I could remember being multiple times getting caught within range of his sneeze mist. So I had to have gotten sick right? Nope. Nothing. Everyone on that trip got sick. Not me. Now I don’t say this to brag. I say this to show you that when you’re in optimal health, sickness gets extremely rare. We need to focus less on combatting and avoiding the virus itself and simply work on our health because the average person’s health in western society right now is embarrassing. If only Jesus were here to forgive and free people from the illusion of death and improve their mental health. If only Jesus was here to get people to look within rather than playing victim to the external world. If only Jesus were here to tell his true teachings, not religions misinterpretations of them. Maybe he’d get people working on detaching their selves from the ego for the betterment of their mental health. Maybe he’d get people realizing that awakening will drastically improve every aspect of their health. Maybe he’d use a quote form Psalm 103:3 and tell people to find God within because
“He forgives all your iniquity; he heals all your diseases.”
Disease isn’t the only disaster in the world right now. In fact, the current chaos has made the world almost forget about COVID. The biggest mess in the world today is the Black Lives Matters protests. No don’t get me wrong, it should be obvious I’m against racism. I’m against any suffering of conscious beings. But these angry protests are a Band-Aid approach, just like western medicine. Sure, some reform might happen within the police force. Some cops might get longer sentences. But, the root problem won’t be solved. All angry protests do is further the separation of consciousness. There is no angry protest that will cure a bad cop. It won’t fix the evil within bad cops’ hearts. All this does is strengthen the cop’s ego, his false self. It increases the sense separation between him and the public. He feels like the public is the enemy. In the heat of the moment, he will still do terrible things. The external world cannot be changed in this way. It simply does not work. This is the fallacy of modern activism. People think getting angry and demanding change will cause change. It can only cause the illusion of change. The only way to truly make change happen is to look within and find your own true happiness. Once you do this, you can lead by example. The only to truly change someone else is for them to witness your energy. To see you are truly happy and yearn for it. Peaceful protests can work, but only if you emanate freedom from ego. Only if you truly do have peace in your heart. People respond to true happiness. Why would cops listen to angry protesters? Angry protesters aren’t happy. They have hate in their hearts as well. They are still controlled by ego. They still see themselves as separate. Would Jesus angrily protest? No. He would peacefully speak to the cops out of love. He would forgive them. He would realize that there’s a deeper entity within bad cops that is pure. It’s the evil of the ego that causes the corruption. It’s not the fault of the deeper entity. The consciousness within them is pure. It just needs to be uncovered. If only Jesus could be here to peacefully protest, like a 40 day fast. If only Jesus were here to tell people they must find the light within before the world can change. If only Jesus were here to tell people to
“First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.” (Mathew 23:26)        
In March of 2020, no one could have fathomed the chaos that would be the Black Lives Matters protests. What was becoming a reality, though, was COVID-19. What I thought was a dramatized media reaction that would quickly fade away turned into the most impactful world event of my life. I could never have imagined the government restricting me from the basic daily pleasures of going to a restaurant or playing golf. But here I was. Quarantined in my studio apartment in Los Angeles. I had too much free time. I had only a few different ways I could spend it. I could wait in line for 30 minutes and then finally get into the grocery store. I could work out with my newly purchased $700 home gym which was essentially a glorified set of resistance bands. I could chat with strangers on a video chat site called Omegle and make a YouTube video out of it. Or, I could sit there and meditate. The latter was how I spent the majority of my time. I meditated up to 5 hours every day. It would soon pay off. I was worried about the world though. It seemed like it could slip into complete chaos at any moment. Even though I knew COVID-19 was a real thing, it pained me to know how easily it could be avoided if we all were focused on our true health rather than this false pursuit of happiness.
This would be a great time for Jesus to come back and save the world. So much of the world could benefit from his teachings. The world was approaching one of the most chaotic times in history and it was just getting started. Suicide rates were increasing. Child molestation rates were increasing. Domestic violence rates were increasing. You could say it was because people were cooped up in their homes, but that is only the indirect cause. It’s not the root of the issue. The root of the issue is the lack of realization of one’s true nature. The attachment to negative thought and emotions. The ego. Of course people were suffering. I’ll use the tree example again. Imagine you were a leaf and that’s all you knew you were. A kid comes by and tapes you around a branch. Now you’re restricted. You suffer. You long for the days when you were a free leaf swaying in the breeze. How could you not suffer? This suffering diminishes, though, once you realize you’re the tree. The tree laughs at the fact that his leaf has been taped to his branch. The tree’s happiness is undying. No matter what happens to the tree’s leaves, it will always be content. The issue is, almost all of the world is tricked into believing it’s just a leaf. Its awareness is so narrow it can’t see beyond that reality. It’s a prisoner to the ego. Society needs to be bailed out of this mental prison. Only the truth can set it free.
Society needs spirituality. It needs God. It needs freedom from mental suffering. It needs to be free of ego. It needs to be free from the illusion of death. Even if Jesus was here in modern day, how could he possibly pull it off? Now he’d have to go about it much differently. He couldn’t do the exact same stunt he did 2000 years ago. In modern day there’s no crucifixion. In modern day we actually check pulses to confirm people are dead, not just take people’s word for it. In modern day I would suggest using social media since you could impact a lot more people that way and the truth could spread extremely quickly.
Wait. Hold on a minute. Jesus was just a human. He was a simply a spiritual teacher. But what made Jesus so influential? Well, he found the truth. He found God. He was enlightened. He achieved a higher level of consciousness than the average person. He realized all consciousness was one. He realized we are all part of this collective consciousness. We are all sons of God. So on a deeper level I guess you could say we all are Jesus. On the human level we can all have what Jesus had. We can all live how Jesus lived. So… no… there’s no way…    
I had an epiphany. A moment of complete clarity. An incredible realization. A truth that just popped up from somewhere deep within me. It was difficult to even call it my thought. It didn’t seem life my thought. It didn’t seem like a normal thought of the ego. It felt like it came from someplace beyond the mind and my mind just put it into words. Here were those words:
Anyone could be the next Jesus.
Wow. Yeah. I get it. That sounds crazy. But, if I actually believe what I’ve discovered, and I actually believe that Jesus was human, what’s keeping someone from being the next Jesus? What’s keeping someone from spreading the truth and bringing peach and joy to the world? Well, there are a couple things. First of all the next Jesus would have to be enlightened. At this point in time I simply thought enlightenment was complete freedom from the self and true knowing of the truth of the universe, true, firsthand knowledge of the idea of oneness, that we are God, the collective consciousness. Now I realize enlightenment goes deeper than that, but it’s the next step in the process. A better word for this would be “awakening.” I should start using that word. Let’s define “awakened” as the firsthand experience and true realization of the freedom from the self and perception of the collective consciousness. Unfortunately at this point in time, I definitely wasn’t awakened, let alone enlightened. I believed in the concept of oneness and the freedom from the self on an intellectual level. I truly believed people such as Jesus, Buddha, Eckhart Tolle, and many other spiritual teachers have gotten there. But, I didn’t know it on the level of experience. I didn’t truly know what it felt like. I didn’t have the total realization of the true meaning. Well, looks like it’s not me. I’m definitely not the next Jesus. But, there are a lot of enlightened people in the world I believed. Why haven’t they made the impact Jesus had? Yes, Eckhart Tolle has shook up a good chunk of the world but nothing compared to the massive earthquake that was Jesus. What would it take for them to be the next Jesus? Well, to be quite frank it would take a whole lot of balls. The issue with speaking the truth and that’s it is that it only draws in a certain crowd. Eckhart’s following were already into spirituality before they found his teachings, or at the very least into self-development. Now there’s no doubt many of these people benefited from his teachings. Many of these people got to the next level. Many of these people are surely awakened. But, it was clear they were always on the right path. Jesus was different in the sense that he converted people who were nowhere near the path. Sinners saw the power of God within Jesus and changed their ways. If Jesus had simply spread the truth without performing his “miracles,” it wouldn’t have gotten him too far. That’s the difference between Jesus and Eckhart Tolle. The only real difference, in fact. Jesus pulled off these incredible stunts to show the power of what he’d found within, and also to increase is popularity and credibility. This was not a venture of the ego of course. Jesus simply wanted to be popular so the truth could spread, not because he sought external validation. He had all the validation from within he needed.
So what would it really take for someone to become the next Jesus?        
Well first it would take an overwhelming sense of purpose to share the truth they had found. It would take an overwhelming desire to make the world a better place. It would also take the intellect to plan out and execute some stunts that would get people’s attention. It would take even more brainpower to cultivate the most meaningful message possible behind these stunts. It would take some incredible bravery to actually go through with these stunts and spread the message because, like in the story of Jesus, some people wouldn’t be happy about it. It would take some luck to have these stunt go viral and reach a lot of people. It would essentially take a “miracle.” But, that’s what Jesus accomplished, right? “Miracles.”  
Damn, I thought. If only I was awakened. If only I knew the truth on the deepest level. I would totally try to make this happen. I wanted the world to change more than anyone. At this moment I was still pretty depressed. I wanted the world to be truly happy. I wanted my family to be truly happy. I wanted evil to go away. I wanted suffering to end.  Too bad I hadn’t even figured out how to end my own suffering. I was way off from helping the world. But man. I also loved making viral YouTube content. That was my job. And I was good at it. I could have definitely thought of the craziest stunt out there. I had always joked to my friends about faking my death for the internet. I had never seriously considered it, but man, I thought, if I could pull that off somehow without the world hating me for it, I’d sure gain some new popularity to which I could spread whatever good message I want to spread. I thought probably would be a good idea to tell my friends and family though. I wouldn’t have wanted to worry them. 2.5 million Subscribers was a pretty big number. I would definitely make an impact if I went through with a crazy stunt. I truly believed I could have a positive impact on the world. I thought man, if only I was awakened. Wait…
I was thinking to myself as if it were impossible. I had never even considered the possibility that I could become awakened. Isn’t that like 1 in 10,000,000? But people make it. People definitely get there. I decided to look into this more. How much of the world has actually woken up? How much of the world as realized it’s possible to wake up? How many people have reached the first step? How many people realize they’re asleep?
As I looked into this more I realized there wasn’t just a handful of awakened people around the world. There were literally millions. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. There’s a whole YouTube niche for this stuff. Spiritual teachers with hundreds of thousands of subscribers. After watching a few videos, it was clear to me that these teachers had awakened. There’s no way they could be speaking about such an unknown concept with such confidence and eloquence. These videos had millions of views. Millions of people have at least taken the first step. Millions of people have at least understood awakening on an intellectual level. I found Eckhart Tolle’s YouTube channel. I couldn’t believe how many people watch it. He had over 900k subscribers. I had no idea his fan base was that big. I had no idea this truth had spread to so many people. By just checking out the comment section it was clear that many of his followers had awakened. “Thank you for helping me with my spiritual awakening,” they’d say. No of course, there’s no way to know for sure if they were actually awakened, but it didn’t matter. It was enough motivation for me. What seemed like some unobtainable goal that only devout Buddhists reach, I started to believe was actually possible? What if I could actually experience this? What if I could actually awaken? What if I uncovered the true knowledge and was able to spread it to the world? What if I thought up the most mind-blowing YouTube stunt of all time to spread it? What if I could start to awaken other people and change the world? What if I could actually tell the modern day story of Jesus?  I had some work to do…          
The first thing I did was optimize my health. Not for my physique or my looks, but for my true health. I had come to the realization that all health is connected, mental, spiritual and physical. Yes, the goal is perfect spiritual health because theoretically that would give me the best chance at awakening, but I knew good mental and physical health would help me get there. Over the next few months I started creating a model. A model for good overall health. With the help of some self-experimentation and a lot of research, I started to figure things out. But, it ended up not being nearly as complicated as I originally thought. I started realizing the key to health was simply getting back to your natural state. This made so much sense. The collective conscious is our natural state. And it’s clear that the ego, the one thing holding us back, is created from the society we live in. Animals don’t have ego. Monkeys don’t have ego. The first human’s didn’t have ego. I just had to start thinking like the first ever humans. What would they do? What would they eat? They couldn’t have used all this harmful technology today. They could only interact with what the earth gave them. And they weren’t just spiritually healthier, they were physically healthier as well. There’s a myth out there that our ancestors only lived to be 30. This is a misconception. This number was the average lifespan including infant mortality. The truth is that our ancestors lived just as long if not longer even without all the band aids of modern western medicine. Our ancestors were truly healthy. The average elderly person is alive today, but they’re not truly healthy. They’re kept alive by the band aids of western medicine. The average 70 year old can barely walk and is taking a dozen different medications. This isn’t true health. Our 70 year old ancestors were alive and well. They were mobile. They were functional. Analysis of bone density and tendon quality has shown that our 70 year old ancestors were much healthier our 70 years old today. It was so clear to me where true health comes from. It comes from getting back to your natural state. Animals live happy lives in the wild. They live happy, natural lives in the wild until the day they die. Why have we gotten away from that? The issue is we think aspects of health are disconnected. We think we can fix someone’s mental health distinctly without worrying about they’re physical health. This is simply not how health works.
Most people think of health, happiness, and spirituality as separate. But I have come to realize they are very connected. True health and happiness that is. Sometimes the ego or false self can give off the illusion of happiness and western medicine can give off the illusion of health, but true happiness and health go hand in hand.
I’m about to give you a model that simultaneously can increase your true happiness, mental and physical health, and spiritual fulfillment. It’s the ultimate quick guide on how to live your life. It’s the guide I’ve used to reach true happiness and health. Mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Each one of these aspects of life is far more changeable than we think. For example, research has now shown that it’s possible to actually reverse our epigenetic, or biological age. Now while we probably can’t reverse age forever, at least not with our current understanding of the world, it’s truly possible to drastically slow down the aging process and feel younger and healthier.
Also, many mental health conditions can be solved completely naturally. Mental health is a fast growing problem in society today. And there’s a reason the issue is increasing. Modern society creates an unnatural and toxic environment for human health. Unnatural societal constructs and our attachment to them cause extreme amounts of unnecessary mental stress.
When you start working on your physical health, happiness, and spirituality, you’ll realize the attachment you have to problems and negative emotions can disappear, and the ego starts to weaken.
So to make things simple and because all the aspects I mentioned earlier go hand in hand (as one increases so do the others and vice versa) we can think of all aspects of health as one entity. So let’s call the combination of the mental and physical health, happiness, and spirituality as simply health. And we’ll call the antagonist of health as “stress” simply because you’ll find that anything that decreases any aspect of health is due to some type of chronic stress. Scientifically, the chronic release of cortisol. When health is high enough and stress is low enough, your epigenetic age can reverse at least temporarily and depression and anxiety can be alleviated. Extremely high health and extremely slow stress is also the path to spiritual enlightenment.
There’s a reason why Buddhist monks, some of the most spiritually practiced people in the world, are also the healthiest. They are able to eliminate most mental stress through spiritual practice. They also live a more natural physical lifestyle. As a result, they’re considered some of the happiest people and also live much longer than the average person. Each aspect of health is connected.
From a spiritual standpoint, the buildup of mental stress is what fuels the ego, or false self. And bad physical health can cause chemical brain imbalances that can worsen bad mental health. In the opposite direction, spiritual practice can decrease mental stress which can improve physical health. You’ll find that health works like a feedback loop. Increasing health in one area increases it in the others and in turn increases it even more in the first area. You just have to make sure the feedback loop is working in the right direction, and you’ll be moving toward true health and happiness, free from stress.
What we don’t realize is almost everything we do in society today causes unnecessary chronic stress. The key is to limit chronic stress as much as we can. Now I encourage you not to trust me. Health is something that’s very personal. Only you can be the judge of your own true health. I do encourage you to just pay attention and experiment to become the best version of yourself. I do want to show you though, what’s worked for me.
My key to health and happiness is to think about what’s natural. Animals who live in the wild including early humans were truly healthy and happy. It’s the unnatural lifestyle our society has encouraged that’s the cause of our unhealthiness and unhappiness. Some technology can be used to improve our health, but only if it mimics natural phenomena. Most technology has wreaked havoc on human health and happiness. Also, spiritual awakening is all about getting back to our natural state. The unnaturalness of society has caused the development of the ego which has covered up our true nature. The closer we can get back to our natural state, the easier for our deep seated truths to manifest. So my plan is simple: avoid unnatural products and behaviors and indulge in natural products and behaviors.  
So let me list off some stress increasing things I try to avoid or limit starting with the physical:
Again, each of these physical things will have an effect on mental and spiritual health as well.
-inflammatory and processed foods
The typical Western diet causes chronic inflammation. Chronic inflammation affects essentially every system in the body. Inflammation over a long enough period of time will cause damage to cells leading to diseases such as heart disease and cancer. Chronic inflammation has also been closely linked to depression. Chronic inflammation shouldn’t be confused with acute inflammation caused from healthy activities such as exercises. This short term inflammation is beneficial. It helps the body adapt. Process foods are simply not natural. We didn’t evolve to eat processed foods. Processed foods trick our senses into consuming edible products that aren’t meant for us to be eaten. This causes us to ingest harmful substances that lead to inflammation and an imbalance of hormones. You’ll find that without processing foods, there would be no unhealthy eating. You’re only drawn to foods such as red meat, pastries, candy, and soda because each food or the ingredients within each food are out of their natural state. If the ingredients were in their natural state, you wouldn’t touch them. Even red meat must be cooked and seasoned for you to eat it. So what foods should you be eating? Up until today science still hasn’t agreed on the optimal healthy diet for humans. Scientific studies lead to a new fad diet almost every year. What if I told you we already knew exactly what we should be eating? The only thing that makes eating complicated is the processing of food. If we stopped processing food all together, the answer would become simple. Animals live healthy, full lives in the wild because they’re food isn’t processed. They simply eat what their instincts tell them to eat. The issue in society today is that processing food tricks our instincts. Do this exercise to figure out the right diet for you. Put absolutely and food you want on your kitchen table for you to choose from. The only catch is that the food can’t be processed in any way. For this exercise, this even means cooking. Cooking is a type of processing that wasn’t available to the earliest of humans (at least definitely not all forms of cooking). Let’s look at fruit, vegetables, nuts and seeds, beans and legumes, grains, and meat. Out of all those options in their natural form which would you eat? Personally, I’d go for the fruit. It’s the tastiest and easiest to eat. After that I’d go for the vegetables. They’re relatively tasty and only a little tougher to eat. After that, I’d probably go for the nuts and seeds.A little bland but still easy to eat and very filling and calorie dense. Great for survival. Now here’s where I get a little hesitant. Dried beans and legumes? Well sure I guess. I’d have to let them sit in my mouth for a while to break them down, but it’s doable. No my favorite though. Same thing with the grains. Rice is hard and crunchy and not fun to eat. Now how about the meat? Well remember, the meat is in its natural state, so if there’s not a live chicken or cow there you didn’t do this experiment right.The point is killing an animal for food is a ton of work. You’ll find if you do the research that our ancestors were actually mostly vegetarian. There was no need to go through the dangerous and energy experding act of hunting an animal when there were other sources of food much more easily obtainable. So for me, my diet mostly consists of fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds.  
-breathing polluted air
Pollution is a fast growing issue throughout most of the world. Now they even have a calculator that converts the smog in the air to the equivalent amount of cigarettes. On an average day in Los Angeles, spending a few hours outdoors is equivalent to about one-third of a cigarette. I don’t have to explain how this is bad for your health and completely unnatural. Ideally you would move to a less polluted environment, but that’s not practical for most people. One practical thing you can do is spend most of your time outdoors in nature. Trees and plants absorb pollutant gasses, essentially filtering them from the air. This is also a reason we should strive as a society to maintain natural ecosystems. Breathing exercises can also help your lungs become more efficient at taking in oxygen and not allowing stale, polluted air to remain trapped in them. I’ll talk more about breathing exercises later in this guide.  
-Electromagnetic frequencies (EMFs) such as cell phone and wifi waves
This is something we haven’t been taking seriously. We’re all so addicted to our electronics we don’t want to look into the fact that they could be harming us. Our bodies are electrical as well as physical. We have positive and negative charges running within us at all times.EMFs can disrupt our natural electricity and have damaging effects on our nervous system. I’ll talk more about proactive approaches to reducing EMFs later in this guide, but here are a couple easy ways to limit them: Turn off your wifi when you’re not using it. Turn off your cell phone service at night. And talk on the phone with headphones or on speaker. Don’t touch your phone to your head.  
-unnatural chemical skin products
This includes anything from soaps, shampoos, lotions, makeup, and anything else you put on your skin. The skin is like a sponge. It’s porous and absorbs everything you put on your skin to an extent. Chemicals in these products such as Parabens, Formaldehyde, Beta hydroxy acid (BHA), Phthalates, and Sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS) have been linked to various health issues such as cancer. I stopped putting literally anything on my body except the occasionally deodorant made up of natural essential oils. I wouldn’t put anything on my skin that I wouldn’t put in my mouth.
-fluoride in drinking water and toothpaste
Fluoride accumulates in the body and leads to calcification of tissues such as the bones and the pineal gland. On a spiritual journey the pineal gland is the most important organ. In spiritual terms, activating the pineal gland is equivalent to opening your third eye. Most pineal glands calcify with age due to excess calcium and fluoride and lack of magnesium and iodine. The pineal gland is also associated with intelligence. With a fully functioning pineal gland you’re much more likely to have moments of insight and epiphany whether it be of spiritual knowledge or simply earthly knowledge. I never drink water unless it’s bottled water or it’s filtered by a filter that I know filters fluoride. I also only use fluoride free, natural toothpaste.
-Lack of sunlight
The sun is our best source of vitamin D. When your skin is exposed to the sun, it creates vitamin D in your body. Vitamin D deficiency is one of if not the most common vitamin deficiency in the United States. Estimates show over 40% of Americans are deficient. We simply don’t get enough sun. We’ve been led to believe that sun exposure causes cancer. While yes, too much of anything isn’t good for you, the average American gets way less sun than they should. Early humans were in the sun for hours everyday and while I acknowledge the sun is more intense because of the thinning of the ozone layer, 30 minutes per day in the sun can only be beneficial. And it’s not only vitamin D that the sun affects. Sunlight has been shown to alter DNA methylation patterns. Epigenetic changes like this affect what genes are expressed. This shows that the proper amount of sun exposure is far more important than what society leads us to believe.  
-vitamin deficiencies
I believe all vitamin deficiencies can be cured through a proper diet with the exceptions of vegans needing vitamin b12.This doesn’t mean veganism isn’t natural and healthy. Vitamin b12 is found in soil bacteria that used to be found on the plants we ate as early humans. Because of modern agriculture, this is no longer the case. Vitamin supplements should be used with caution. Too much of a vitamin can be nearly as bad as too little. Too much vitamin C and E can alter our natural anti oxidant production. Too much calcium can lead to calcification of the arteries and the pineal gland. The diet should be our primary source of our vitamins and supplements should only be taken if completely necessary. If you were to take any vitamins, I would recommend vitamin D if you're not getting outdoors enough (don’t let this substitute sunlight though because sunlight turns on many different epigenetic switches). I would also recommend magnesium and iodine to help reverse calcification. A proper diet without artificial calcium supplements or added calcium in food should keep your calcium:magnesium ratio in check, though. I would also recommend turmeric to lower inflammation and ashwagandha to improve your stress response. Both have been shown to reduce cortisol.  
-essentially anything unnatural
Before you put anything in or on your body ask yourself, “Is this natural?” Before engaging in a typical daily activity ask yourself, “Would early humans be doing this?” Now obviously we live in a society today where being completely natural is off the table. The goal is to simply be aware. So many people are completely unconscious about how unnatural and unhealthy they’ve become. If you’re aware of what you consume and what you do, you’ll naturally make better choices. Remember, you don’t have to change everything at once. Small steps will set off the positive health feedback loop and make a huge difference in the long run.  
Now for mental stresses.
Again each of these mental things will have an effect of physical and spiritual health as well:
These mental stresses are unnatural mental processes created by the ego. These are tougher to fix, but arguably more important.
-insecurities
Insecurities are one of our biggest sources of suffering. They’re created by the ego, the psychological construct that makes us feel separate. When we feel like all we are is our body and mind, we suffer when that body and mind aren’t exactly how we’d like them to be. The key is to recognize the negative thought of insecurity and the emotion that comes with it as simply an appearance in consciousness. Gradually you’ll become less connected to this phenomenon. Also, if your insecurity is something you can work on, by all means work on it and long as working on it doesn’t bring about more suffering or feed more into the program of the ego. Just realize that true happiness cannot come from anything external. It cannot come from the appearance of your physical form or from the mental construct of external validation. Happiness can only come from finding your true self.
-Restricted thought and close mindedness
Closed mindedness is the biggest hindrance in the evolution of consciousness. Everyone thinks they have a full understanding of the universe because of this thing we call science. Closed mindedness makes us lose our childlike sense of wonder and leaves us feeling numb. Closed mindedness also feeds the ego. Real entities do not change, and the ego tricks you into believing it’s a real entity by resisting change. This is why many find it difficult to change beliefs or opinions. You’ll find that questioning every belief you have and critically thinking all your ideas through will weaken the ego dramatically.
-Hatred towards the self or others
Any hatred in your heart is not only bringing unnecessary mental stress, but it’s also hindering the expansion of your consciousness. Hatred is focusing your attention on falsehoods. It’s training your awareness to latch onto objects that aren’t your true nature. When you focus your attention on the truth, only love can grow. The true self is pure, unconditional love. The true self is within every being on this planet. Reaching a higher level of consciousness comes with having unconditional love for every human regardless of their behavior.
-putting up a false front, and not expressing what you want to express
In almost every social setting we tend to put up what I like to call a false front. No matter who we interact with there is some kind of filter. We are always hiding something. This is extremely mentally taxing. We’re limiting what we express, and everytime we do this it causes cortisol to be released. It’s acting out of fear, not love, and encourages false ideas such as duality. The more we hide the more we feel separate from everything else.
-dishonesty
Dishonesty causes a large amount of mental stress as well. Everytime you lie, you’re forced to keep up with that lie. This adds a background layer of unnecessary mental stress. Much of the time, lying also goes against your conscience which causes mental suffering as well.
-anything that goes against your conscious such as anything that causes harm to others
There’s a reason why Jesus said to treat others the way you would like to be treated. We are all simply fragments of the one creator. All of consciousness is one. It only makes sense to treat others as yourself because on the most fundamental level they are yourself. Harming others goes against your conscious and causes mental stress that most of us aren’t even aware of. This stress can carry on for years and can be detrimental to our health. This is why Jesus discouraged the concept of sinning.
-Fear of death
As I talked about earlier in this book, the fear of death is the root cause of every fear. This fear plays a part in almost every stressful thought you experience. There’s not a single other concept that increases stress more, yet we don’t realize it’s the root cause. This concept is a tricky one. The previous concepts are all things you can work on to get closer to awakening. Yet awakening must happen before you can be truly free of the fear of death.  
Now let’s talk about the positive physical things I work on.
Each of these things will increase mental and spiritual health as well.
-physical exercise
The right amount of physical exercise is great for the body, but there must be a balance. Too much muscle puts extra stress on the heart. Too little muscle does the same. This concept can be applied to cardio as well. Cardio is great for a healthy heart and blood circulation, but when taken to extreme cardio has actually been shown to be damaging to the heart. The key to physical exercise is to find the right balance. For cardio I simply remain active throughout my daily life. I choose the stairs over the elevator. I walk to nearby places instead of driving. I partake in outdoor activities I enjoy such as golfing. For resistance training I do resistance band work because it’s healthier on the joints. Everyday I do three sets of chest press, three sets of rows, and three sets of squats. Yoga is a great form of exercise that you can’t overdo. It can increase muscle tone and improve cardiovascular health. It can also be used as a mindfulness practice like meditation by concentrating on your breath and the movements of your body.  
-breathing exercises
Like I mentioned earlier in this guide, breathing exercises are a great way to optimize your lungs to combat pollution. They have some other great benefits as well. The breathing exercise I like to do is called the Wim Hoff breathing method. This method consists of taking in 30 extremely deep breaths sequentially, exhaling and holding your breath for as long as you can, and then taking in one last giant breath and holding it for 10 seconds. This process is repeated 3 times in total. This breathing exercise greatly improves blood and oxygen circulation in the body and strengthens the immune system. Humans naturally breathe deeply which is best for our cardiovascular and overall health. Environmental stresses such as pollution and mental stresses such as anxiety have caused shallow breathing in much of the population. Breathing exercises and even conscious breathing alone helps discourage this type of unhealthy breathing.
-quality sleep
I don’t have to do too much explaining here. We all know sleep is extremely important for our health. It affects essentially every system in our body. What most people don’t understand is that the quality of sleep has just as much impact on our health as the quantity of sleep. There are two basic types of sleep: REM sleep and deep sleep. If your quality of sleep isn’t good, you’re probably not getting a sufficient amount of deep sleep. During deep sleep your cells are regenerated, your tissues are repaired, and your immune system is boosted. To make sure your quality of sleep is good you should try to reduce your stress, stop using electronics an hour before bed, make sure your room is completely dark, make sure the temperature in the room is on the cool side, and meditate before bed.    
-Fasting
Ok 40 days of fasting might be a little extreme, but then again I’m not doing it for my physical health. Occasional one to three day fasts on the other hand can be extremely beneficial. If you’re not up for that, simply doing intermittent fasting daily has a ton of health benefits. Fasting reduces insulin resistance, reduces inflammation, improves brain function, improves blood pressure, boosts metabolism, and increases growth hormone secretion. It also increases this cool little thing known as autophagy which is the killing off of old damaged cells and the regeneration of new ones. Fasting for 72 hours can reset your entire immune system. The old damaged cells that autophagy kills off are also the ones more likely to develop into cancer.
-wearing EMF protection
Earlier in this guide I talked about why limiting your EMF exposure is important. An easy way to do it is to wear copper jewelry. Copper has been shown to absorb EMF waves and prevent most of them from entering your body. I wear a pendant everyday that’s made of copper and other minerals that help block EMFs. In fact, I never take it off. You can also get EMF blocking stickers to put on your phone and computer. These stickers contain negative ions that block the incoming EMF waves. Many people claim these don’t work, but many of these EMF blocking companies have done studies that say otherwise. Also, come one, these stickers can be as cheap as $1 a piece. Does it hurt to try them out?
-good posture
Good posture can benefit us more than we think. It can improve our blood circulation, improve our digestion, and reduce muscle and joint pain. You knew good spine posture was important but what about tongue posture? That’s right. There’s a correct tongue posture. Applying correct tongue posture is commonly referred to as mewing. The idea is to put the entire tongue on the roof of the mouth, even the back of the tongue. This can seem extremely uncomfortable at first, but it’s actually our natural tongue posture. The unnatural environment we grow up in has us adopting an incorrect tongue posture from an early age. The increasing occurrence of allergies in kids lead to mouth breathing which makes keeping the tongue on the roof of your mouth impossible. Mewing has not only been shown to positively improve face shape over time but it’s also said to stimulate the nerves around the pineal gland which is great for spiritual health.  
-anything else physically relaxing
Anything you can do that feels relaxing, go for it. If it’s relaxing, it’s reducing stress. If you’re reducing stress, you’re becoming healthier. Some other physical stress reducing things include massages, acupuncture, saunaing, dancing, singing, or any relaxing hobby that you enjoy.
Now let’s talk about the positive mental things I like to do. These are part of the pure human experience and free from attachment to the ego or false self.
-Self expression and honesty
Expression is the antithesis of depression. You’ll find a large part of depression comes from us not expressing what we want to express. We’re hiding what we’re feeling. We aren’t honest about what we really think. We want to sing along to a song or dance at a party but our insecurities hold us back. We become paralyzed by fear. Expressing yourself how you want to is one of the greatest antidepressants. It’s also incredibly confidence boosting. The only reason we don’t express what we want is out of fear. Confidence is simply the lack of fear. All fear originates from our survival mechanism. Essentially, all fear is to keep us from dying. All fear stems from the fear of death. But many things that could kill us in ancient times simply don’t have that power in the relatively safe society we live in today. For example, many people are socially anxious because in tribal times your social status was linked to your survival. The higher up on the social ladder the more access to food and shelter you had. This isn’t the case in society today, so the fear of social anxiety is outdated. How do you conquer this fear? Well it isn’t enough for your brain to know this. You have to prove it to your mind through experience. Gradually do things out of your comfort zone and soon you’ll expand your confidence zone and shrink your fear zone. Throughout the process you’ll find yourself expressing more of what you want to express. There’s one caveat to self expression though. You can do and say literally anything you want as long as it follows the golden rule: treat others the way you would like to be treated. If you keep that rule in mind, you can truly say or do anything you want in life.  
-self improvement
Congratulations. You’re reading this book, so you’re already on the self improvement path. Here’s the funny thing about self improvement. People that get into self improvement do so because they want to improve the false self, the only self they know. What happens when they get deep into the self improvement process is that they optimize their physical form and mental state to experience the truth which annihilates the false self. The self they were trying to improve is actually destroyed by this process. Pretty ironic, huh? It’s nothing to fear though. The best part of the self improvement process is when the self disappears entirely.
-open minded, philosophical thought and insight
Awakening is really just opening your mind. Open mindedness is the antithesis of the ego. The ego is programmed to make your thoughts restricted. Opening your mind starts to cause this program to glitch. Allow yourself to question everything, even science. Remember, science has been wrong before and science has always been limited. The key to being open minded is to never trust anything 100% unless you experience it. Take every piece of external knowledge as simply clues to find the truth. Never take any external knowledge as gospel. You’ll find the true knowledge comes from true insight within, not externally.  
-self love
There are two basic ways you can operate in life: out of fear, and out of love. Acting out of fear reinforces the concept of the ego and holds you back from your true nature. Acting out of love detaches yourself from this psychological construct and brings you closer to your true self. Remember, we are all the collective consciousness. All love is actually just self love. When it comes to any action you’re going to make ask yourself, “Am I operating out of fear or love?”
-sharing true knowledge
Sharing the truth is one of the most fulfilling acts you can possibly partake in. Everything about it feels so right. Sharing the truth is allowing the natural evolution of consciousness to take place. It helps the world wake up. Even if you just share the truth with one person, the energy has an exponential effect. You’ll find sharing the truth not only benefits the person you share it with, but it also benefits you. Well, that’s obviously true because of the collective consciousness, but benefits your mind. The more you discuss the truth the stronger the truth becomes in your mind and the more truths your start to uncover.
-helping others
Helping others encourages the concept of love. You’ll find that helping others improves your mental health. After you help others you’ll feel a type of energy. Notice how you feel after you’re done helping others. This energy is love. Love is incredibly powerful and it’s contagious. Act out of love and the love will be returned to you even stronger.
-engaging in your purpose and passions
Create a life for yourself where you’re doing the things you want to do, not limiting the things you don’t want to do. At a higher level of consciousness, every experience can be a positive one, but before that, unfavorable activities lower your vibrations, cause mental stress, and reinforce the ego. The more you can spend time doing the activities you love, the more peaceful your mind will become.
-non-judgmental human to human interactions
This is an incredible way to discourage the idea of separateness. Judgment from others is the primary mechanism that ignites the ego and hides the reality of oneness. It’s the cause of all insecurities. On the bright side, a completely non judgmental human to human interacting can cause the egos of both parties to dissolve. At the deepest level of non-judgement, both humans can fully express whatever they want to express without fear. It becomes no different than if they were by themselves. In this perfect scenario they can act as if they were by themselves, but yet they are interacting with another person. This causes the illusion of separateness to fade. This is the state the entire world will be in when humanity as a whole awakens.  
-anything else mentally relaxing
You’ll find the same activities that are physically relaxing are also mentally relaxing as well. This is yet another example of how all areas of health are connected. The more time you can spend doing relaxing activities, the better your physical and mental health.
-and of course spiritual practice such as meditation.
I think by now we’ve already realized how important meditation is for our mental, physical, and spiritual health. Out of all these habits, meditation has to be number one. There’s nothing more powerful yet so simple as just being aware and paying attention to experience.
But guys. Again, don’t trust me. Find this out for yourself. This is the essence of the self-improvement process. Try things out and see how they affect you. Doing or not doing any of these things will improve your health. You get to decide which to try. You can tackle the physical, mental, or spiritual. It doesn’t matter which aspect you start with. Because they are all connected. It just matters that you start. I’m positive that if you truly embrace this model, soon you will be happier, healthier, and closer to spiritual enlightenment.
Well cool, I embraced my model for overall health and I could feel it working. Every week I started to feel better and better mentally, physical, and spiritually. I felt like I had more energy while I was working out, my mood became higher, and I had more alertness when I meditated. This was a great first step, but I had a lot more work to do if I wanted to awaken. I needed some extra help. I decided to do some more research about this psychological concept called the ego.
I realized that the ego isn’t necessarily an illusion per say. Our attachment with it is. Our identification with it is. But the ego is way more tangible than I had originally thought. Scientists have actually located the neurobiological ego in our brain. It’s called the default mode network (DMN). This is a brain network of interacting brain regions that have high activity with each other but are distinct from other networks in the brain. No way, I thought. If this is the case, then one day, we should be able to hook up our brains to a machine and temporarily shut off the DMN. Everyone will have the opportunity to experience the death of the ego.
I want to quickly point out the difference between ego death and awakening. Ego death is the temporary experience of the freedom from self and the experience of pure consciousness. Awakening is the realization and perception of our true nature, the collective consciousness within us and the freedom from the self in day to day life. You’ll find it’s possible to have an ego death without being awakened. Some people can experience ego but aren’t able to solidify that experience and incorporate it into normal life. These temporary experiences are called glimpses. Awakening always comes with or after glimpses, but glimpses don’t always come with awakening. To fully awaken you must have glimpses followed by realizations. But regardless, it’s important to weaken the DMN. This increases the chances of both of these experiences.
So there are many ways to decrease the DMN. The top one being meditation. Awesome, I thought. I’m already doing that. I can see why it’s so beneficial now. Acupuncture has also been shown to decrease DMN connectivity due to the pain response. Interesting, I thought. That one doesn’t seem too important but maybe I’ll try it out. The DMN also decreases in connectivity during sleep. Wow, I thought. Your ego turns off when you sleep. Maybe that has something to do with how dreams work.
Now I realize there are fun ways to take advantage of this temporary lapse in the DMN. There’s this phenomenon called astral projection. I used to think it was a myth until I read the spirituality subedit where hundreds of people were claiming to do it. Well, I tried it out and yes, it’s very real.
Astral projection is essentially throwing yourself directly into a lucid dream. Spiritual people will call this the astral realm but that might discourage the average person from trying so let’s just call it a lucid dream. The idea is to remain aware as you’re falling asleep. You allow the body to sleep, but the mind to stay awake. Experienced meditators will be able to do this much more easily. You’ll find that this can be difficult at night when the mind is tired, but can be much easier in the morning when the mind is fresh. If you’re serious about making this happen, I recommend waking up two hours before you normally would and trying it then. So what happens? Well, and you’re body falls asleep and your mind stays awake you go into a type of sleep paralysis. Your body can’t move. This always happens while you sleep to keep you from acting out your dreams. You just usually aren’t aware of it. This can be kind of scary for first time astral projectors but trust me, there’s nothing to worry about. Now when you get to this state, the idea is to try and mentally get up and walk right out of your body. Because you’re in a dream state this is possible. You don’t actually get up. Your body stays paralyzed in bed. But if you do this correctly, your consciousness will be in a more subtle, more dreamlike body standing in the room you fell asleep in. This is essentially just a dream for all you scientists out there. But, since you were aware throughout the entire process, it’s lucid. You know you’re dreaming, and the fun begins. This is a great tool to help you realize you’re more than just the physical body. Yes, scientists will always argue that any sort of higher consciousness could simply be a “hallucination.” I hate that word because hallucinations simply don’t exist. “Hallucination” is just a word to describe and experience that doesn’t fit with the reality of the diagnoser of said “hallucination.” But who’s to say the diagnoser’s reality is the actual “reality.” The only way to know the reality of higher levels of consciousness is to experience them. That’s why we’re talking about decreasing DMN connectivity.  
So finally, some of the most powerful DMN connectivity reducing substances, which I would soon become very familiar with : psychedelic substances such as psilocybin and LSD.  
It was early 2020 when a man named Sam Harris came into my life. I haven't actually met him in person, but his impact was profound nonetheless. Sam Harris is a neuroscientist, philosopher, and author of a book I still haven’t read, but can confidently say I know better than almost anyone, “Waking Up.” How could I possibly know a book without reading it? Well, at the time I learned every concept in the book through his app where he posts mini lectures on the same spiritual concepts. Now, I simply know these concepts. I’ve experienced them. I live them. But, it wasn’t these concepts that attracted me to Sam Harris at first.
My friend Tyler introduced me to Sam Harris because of his guided meditations. Tyler was the friend I spent the most time with back then. Infact, during the COVID quarantine, he was the only friend I spent time with. Guy friend that is. I met Tyler though Braemar country club where we would golf together almost everyday during 2019. LIttle did I know back then we’d begoing on some interesting spiritual adventures together. In early 2020 Tyler and I knew we both meditated. We would discuss it once in a while. How we do it, how it made us fee, etc. Tyler explained how he used an app with guided meditations from this guy named Sam Harris. Now at the time I was slightly arrogant. I thought I had graduated past guided meditation apps like Headspace. I wasn’t really interested. But one day we decided to do a little group meditation and convinced me to listen to a guided meditation from Sam. I was surprised by how much I liked it. This wasn’t some beginner guided meditation. This was a deeper level than how I’d been meditating. At the time I was mostly just focusing on my breath and body sensations. I thought that was all there was to meditation. I was very wrong. It can go much deeper than that. He could talk about allowing these sensations to merge into a sort of cloud. It was a simple approach, but it allowed me to get to a new and exciting place where I could meditate and the sense of my body would almost completely disappear.I also taught the concept of open awareness which I was never familiar with. This is where instead of focusing on an object in consciousness such as the breath or a body sensation, you simply leave your awareness open and just notice whatever appears. It’s like your awareness simply mirrors each sensation that appears. There was one meditation concept that took me forever to grasp. A frustrating concept that I couldn’t understand until my awakening months later. During a meditation session he would say to look for the looker. Try to put your awareness on the one who is looking. The meditator. This was especially difficult for me because no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t find the meditator. Little did I know, that was the whole point. The meditator doesn’t exist. The meditator is an illusion. Now, if you told me that back then, it would mean absolutely nothing. I would see no significance in that statement. Sure I guess, no meditator, ok got it. I could even acknowledge that I couldn’t find a meditator while meditating but still see so significance. This was because I wasn’t truly experiencing the concept. My mind was still getting in the way. I was still searching for the meditator from the point of view of the meditator. The meditator was still there, I simply didn’t realize it. So, at the time saying there was no meditator had no significance to me..But there can come a point where seemingly insignificant statements like this become the most awe-inspiring epiphanies. It’s the difference between the intellectual level and the level of realization. The level of realization usually comes after the level of experience. Some sort of glimpse. At the intellectual level I could realize how the meditator was an illusion. I realized that there were simply objects appearing in consciousness. But I could never imagine the true significance of the lack of the meditator until I fully experienced it myself months later. And the perception of it was unlike anything I could have imagined. Months later I would be overwhelmed with a montage of these types of epiphanies.
I was exposed to some very intriguing concepts from Sam Harris. In his app he would have mini lectures on all sorts of philosophical ideas. Sam Harris seemed much more like a philosopher than a spiritual teacher like Eckhart Tolle, but soon I would realize they were essentially teaching the same thing. Sam Harris would talk about the illusory self, what Eckhart Tolle usually calls the ego. I soon learned that Sam had studied with Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche, a great Buddhist master. I began to realize that’s where I acquired much of his knowledge.I began to realize that these meditation techniques went far beyond just reducing stress and becoming more present. Sam Harris was trying to awaken us. Even though Sam Harris’s definition of enlightenment doesn’t fit mine perfectly, it is a valuable one. Sam Harris defines enlightenment as the permanent freedom from the illusory self. I would now call this awakening. Sam learned how to be free of the sense of from the Buddhist tradition of Dzogchen. Surprisingly enough, even with his Buddhist background, Sam is openly against religion. I agree with him. The issue with religion is that it separates us. In the mind of religious people, the smallest difference in what you believe of as God determines if you live an eternal afterlife of everlasting joy or are banished to hell. The stakes are high, and that’s why wars have broken out over religion. Instead of seeking the truth, people are slaves to a doctrine. If their beliefs are questioned, so is their chance at immortality. I could relate to Sam because although I never considered indoctrinating myself into the Buddist religion, I found the practices that Buddhists do, such as meditation, helpful. What I didn’t realize until I dove into the Sam Harris world was that Buddhists got it right. Not their religion, but their practice. It made so much sense not. This is why monks are willing to give up their lives to meditate for 50 years.This is why Sam studied with them. They are simply the best culture at finding the truth. This is why enlightenment is such a common phrase within their culture. There is no group of people that are more awake. I began to realize that the Buddhist practices are the best practices to wake up. Luckily, I didn’t have to find a Buddhist master to learn these practices. Sam was already helping me out.
Sam taught me another concept that made intellectual sense at the time, the concept of free will. I couldn’t tell if this came from his neuroscience background or his spiritual background. Probably both. Sam says there’s absolutely no evidence of free will anywhere. His explanation hit me hard on an intellectual level. I had no idea that I would later fully experience and realize this interesting concept. Let me explain it to you in my own words. So, what makes you think you have free will? Well most people would do something like say, “Look, I’m going to wave my hand right now,” and then wave their hand. This is where we get our illusion of free will. We confuse free will with voluntary action. Yes, there is a big difference between voluntary and involuntary action. We understand we have no control over involuntary action. It’s voluntary action that tricks us. It gives us the illusion of control. So let’s do a little experiment. Say you’re going to wave your hand then wave your hand. Was it free will? Well let’s think about what made you wave your hand. What made the action voluntary? Well it was all about the intent. An intent came into your mind which caused you to act in a certain way. But what is this intent? Well it’s simply a thought. It’s simply an object in consciousness. Where did this intent come from? Did you muster it up all on your own? Well, not exactly. You’ll find that your intent only arose because of the state of your mind right beforehand. If the state of your mind right before hand was different, that intent wouldn’t have arisen. For example, if I didn’t actually tell you to do this experiment, you would have never had the intent in the first place. Every thought you have ever had simply arises in consciousness due to the current state of your mind. Well what dictates the current state of your mind? Not you, but all your past thoughts and experiences. Every thought arises because there was previous thought beforehand. And that previous thought was caused by thought before that. Let’s take me for example. I’m voluntarily writing this book right now. But I sure wouldn’t call it free will. I’m only writing it because I first had an idea to write it. Well where did this idea come from? Well first I had to experience all these incredible truths of the universe. Without these experiences, there would be no intent to write a book. Did I choose these experiences? On the surface sure. But did I really? What caused me to move to LA where I got on the spiritual path? YouTube. What caused me to get into YouTube? The thought that I would despise a 9 to 5 job. What caused that thought to come into my head? The thought of imagining a future 9 to 5 job which stemmed from me actually working 9 to 5 jobs during the summers before college. What influenced me to get these jobs? My parents. There’s no way I would have gotten summer jobs if it weren’t for my parents. Did I choose my parents? Did I choose to be raised in the family I was raised in? Did I choose all the information I absorbed during childhood when my mind was the most malleable? No. I didn’t choose any of it. There was no free will. If I didn’t choose my childhood, how did I choose to write this book? This book would have never been a reality if my childhood didn’t go exactly the way it did. This book wouldn’t be a reality if my life path didn’t happen the exact way it happened. Did I have complete control over my life path? Of course not. So how can you say I had control over writing this book. Yes I want to. I have an intense desire to do so. But I in no way chose that desire.
Now for most people this can be a little disturbing. Most people want control. Why? Why do you want control? Control leads to decisions. Decisions lead to the possibility of regret. The only reason you want control is because you think you can make better decisions than the decisions that would be made for you if you were out of control. I can understand that. If you’re not in control, who is? What I’m about to tell you is impossible to understand until you experience it, but I can guarantee that you can get to a point where you fully embrace and love the absence of control. So think about it. If decisions were made for you since you were born, who made those decisions. Well, the universe did. Other consciousness did. Everything form of consciousness affects everything else.Your life was affected by your parents, another form of consciousness. Their lives were affected by their parent’s lives, other forms of consciousness. All consciousness is working together to create this incredible experience we’re living. But remember, there’s no such thing as separate consciousnesses. All of consciousness is one. All consciousness is part of the one collective consciousness.All of consciousness is actually you. The true you. So on a greater level, you are in control. You are in control as the universe. And you’ll just have to trust me on this one, the true you has your best interest in mind.
So you’re probably thinking if I am the universe, why am I creating all this suffering for myself? Well it’s all part of the evolution of consciousness. We as the universe create incredible experiences for ourselves, and the most incredible experience I know of so far is enlightenment. There is nothing that will leave your jaw dropped lower than the feeling of having your mind absolutely blow. Of having your current paradigm shattered. In this reality, as the universe we’re simply blowing our own mind. It’s a blast. That’s the essence of enlightenment. Now my definition of enlightenment is different from Sam Harris’s definition of enlightenment. I like to think of enlightenment as the process. Not a process. The process. The only process that must be. The process of going from untruth to truth. Awakening is simply moving on to the next truth, but there are far greater truth’s out there. You’ll find that the universe has been in the enlightenment process since the beginning of time. But let’s start out with the first humans. Right when we crossed over from the monkey to the human. At this point in time, we were experiencing the truth. We were truly peaceful and happy. We didn’t have the intellect to distinguish between oneness and separateness. We just were. But, were experiencing it much differently than I or any other human on this planet is right now. How can it be different? It’s the same truth right? Well yes, but back then we were missing a part of the mind. The truth was the same but our perception of it was different. Back then we didn’t have intellect. We weren’t aware we were thinking. Now on the surface, us becoming aware we could think seems like the start of the problem. It was the start of the evolution of the ego. We started gaining intellect. We started creating technology as soon as we began making tools.The increase of technology got us further and further away from our natural state. We began eating unnatural foods and doing unnatural things as technology grew. Along with this grew our intellect and the ego. The ego gives us this illusion that we are only our mind and our bodies. The ego causes us to realize how powerful the mind is and makes us think that’s what we are. This is where consciousness has been for the past million years or so. But here’s the beautiful thing. It’s not even close to the final form of consciousness. We are on the brink of moving to the next level. We are on the brink of awakening. It’s already happening to millions of people. We’ve reached the next level of consciousness where because the ego grew so strong and mental suffering skyrocketed, we’ve actually become aware of the ego itself. When we become aware of the ego itself, we realize it’s the cause of all of our suffering, and we want to destroy it. This is the stage we’re approaching. When humanity becomes aware of this physiological construct called the ego. As soon as it does, it starts to destroy it. After the ego is destroyed, we go back to the incredible truth that is oneness. Non-duality. But remember, we still perceive this as humans. But we’re more evolved humans. We’re humans with intellect. So, unlike the first humans, we perceive this incredible truth with the contrast of the falsehood. We experience non-duality with the memory of duality. This is what makes this next evolution of consciousness so magical. Not only will our mind’s be completely blown when we experience this, but we will have unending gratitude. We will remember how we used to suffer and appreciate the lack thereof. The evolution of the ego should be valued because the actual process of dissolving it is what makes the awakening process so special. Ever wondered how there can be an all loving and all powerful God and there still be suffering? This is how.
So you would think Sam Harris’s meditation techniques and Dzogchen concepts would fulfill my spiritual hunger for a while. I certainly had a lot more to work on. But Sam’s wisdom didn’t stop there. The yearning for awakening dominated my life. Before I would feel a little low if my day wasn’t busy. At this point in time, nothing made me more excited than a perfectly clear schedule. It meant more meditation and more learning. I wanted more. Luckily, Sam gave me more. One morning as I was scrolling down the list of discussions on his app, I found an eye catching one. It was about something I was quite familiar with, but not in this context: psychedelics. At the time, I had taken my fair share of psychedelics. It all stemmed from festival culture. Once you attend an EDM festival with the enhancement of psychedelics, it’s almost impossible to attend one sober. I started out with ecstasy, the most common festival substance of choice. It’s hard for me to classify this as a psychedelic, because it doesn’t seem to cause any “hallucinations.” It simply makes you feel incredible. This was fine for my first couple festivale, but what I didn’t anticipate is going to 6 festivals in 2019. I understood ecstasy wasn’t the best for my health. It has been shown to potentially have neurotoxic effects, so I didn’t want to take it frequently. I decided that I would quit ecstasy all together to focus on my health and switch over to LSD instead. Many people will understand this switch but some will be puzzled. How is that healthier? You’re simply switching from one hard drug to the next. I hate the term “drug.” It gives useful substances bad connotations. It groups life ruining compounds in the same category as  life saving compounds. It makes it difficult for people to think critically and educate themselves on the safety of each “drug.” Most people have no idea that LSD is extremely well tolerated by the body. The physical health effects of LSD are so minimal I would consider it less dangerous than caffeine. Most people have the misconception that the legality of a drug determines if a drug is “good” or “bad.” This is so obviously untrue. Psychedelic substances like LSD and psilocybin (the compound in magic mushrooms) have been shown to be extremely well tolerated by the body and not addictive at all. On the other hand, alcohol and tobacco has ruined the lives of countless people. These substances not only ruin people’s physical health, but the secondary effects of their addictions can harm their loved one’s as well. We need to become critical thinkers when it comes to mind altering substances. The personality trait of blindly embracing any government mandate is no more human than it is puppet. Research has shown psilocybin to help reduce anxiety and depression and even help reduce inflammation. The moral perception the world has about psychedelics is absolutely dumbfounding. I simply have no explanation for our sustained misjudgement.
That being said, responsible use of such substances is critical. I would never prompte taking any mind altering substance let alone a powerful psychedelic in the wrong setting with the wrong intentions. In fact, now I couldn’t even recommend taking them without a guide without it going against my conscience. Taking a psychedelic to go have a sensory experience with a large group of people such as at a festival might seem fun, and it very well might be, but the risk of a mentally unfavorable experience is much more likely. This is what would be commonly referred to as a “bad trip.” Throughout my festival career, I was willing to take that risk and fortunately for me, I never had too uncomfortable of an experience. I didn't get much benefit from it though. At the peak of my festival lifestyle, I thought this was the only way these drugs were used. They were good for increasing sensory perception and that’s it. That’s why people like to take them in the most mentally and physically stimulating environments possible like festivals.In fact, it seems as though they set up festivals specifically for these types of drug users. They attempt to make the environment as “trippy” as possible with the moving light displays and the eccentric images and structures on the stage. This is how I thought psychedelics were meant to be taken. I couldn’t imagine taking a psychedelic without external stimulation. I thought it would be such a waste.
That is, until I listened to Sam Harris talk about them. Sam Harris seemed like the furthest thing from a hippie festival goer. He was a neuroscientist, author, and successful entrepreneur. Why was he talking about psychedelics? Surely to discourage their use right? Nope. Sam is an advocate of these substances for spiritual practice. I learned that these substances are used by many spiritual experiences to gain spiritual insight. People use these substances to realize truths about consciousness and the nature of reality. I had always known that psychedelics have been used ceremonially in the past in different cultures, but I never related it to this type of spirituality. I never realized it could help me awaken. I later realized that this makes perfect sense. Like I mentioned before psychedelic substances reduce the connectivity in the DMN, the neurobiological ego. They’re life meditation on steroids when used in the right way. At the time I didn’t know how it worked or what I was supposed to learn from them, but I was sold. Time to get some LSD.
Luckily, I wasn’t in this alone. Tyler was even more into Sam Harris than I was. So much so, in fact, that I questioned why he yearned for spiritual fulfilment when he already had Sam Harris as his God. Tyler was slightly less experienced with psychedelics than me, but we’d both used them in the same way to get some extra stimulation during music festivals. We decided if we were going to try them for a different reason: to awaken. Well, we weren’t that optimistic at the time, but we did think we would get something out of them. At the worst, we’d feel a little more present for the next few days after, we thought.
We decided to do our first spiritual trip in nature. We planned on going on a hike in Malibu and spending the entire 8 hour trip there. We would hike, hopefully become more connected with nature like the psychedelic proponents mentioned, and then find a place to meditate. One early morning at 7a.m., we set out on this spiritual quest. We ubered 30 minutes to Malibu and took a half tab each. Overall, the day went pretty well. Nature was beautiful. The colors were more vibrant. The natural movement of the trees seemed more graceful. We felt more present. Our meditation sessions were deeper. But, at the end of the day, we didn’t find anything we were looking for. We both agreed that this was a far more useful experience than tripping at a festival. At least we got some good meditation sessions in and we felt a little calmer afterwards, but deep down we were a little disappointed that nothing more interesting happened from a spiritual standpoint.
A few weeks passed and psychedelics were still in our minds. There must be something we’re missing, we thought. We must be doing something wrong. We continued to look to Sam Harris for advice and began listening to his podcast as well. In one episode on psychedelics he mentioned a couple interesting things. First, he promoted using a blindfold when taking psilocybin.That rattled our brain. Why blindfolded? How is that more beneficial. The only answer we could find was that more can be accomplished when the journey is focused within. The next thing that interested us was about the dosage. We always erred on a lower dose. We had this idea that there was an optimal dose for a good spiritual experience and it was probably on the low end, less than you would take at a festival. Sam disagreed. On his podcast he talked about low doses potentially leading to worse experiences because of resistance. The ability to still be in control. He said higher dosages can be more beneficial because there’s a certain breakthrough point where all resistance is futile and the drug simply works it’s magic. At the time I had no idea what this breakthrough point meant. Now I realize he was talking about complete ego death. At the time, all that mattered was we needed to get blindfolds and magic mushrooms. A lot of them.
We weren’t playing around anymore. Whatever there was to be experienced, we desperately wanted to experience it. So one morning in my apartment we sat down on my couch, took 4 grams of magic mushrooms each and put on our blindfolds. Something has to happen this time, we thought. Well, something happened. I can’t really tell you what, but something happened. Describing these types of experiences is difficult because it goes beyond the normal sensory perceptions of the mind. Senses will be mixed. Everything is more of a feeling rather than a sense. You feel colors, you feel sounds, you even feel thoughts. We were definitely starting to go into another world. We were diligent for about an hour. We sat there with our blindfolds on and meditated, but soon after, we lost our concentration. I took off my blindfold to see how long it had been and that was it. The spirituality part of the trip had ended. The room looked too cool. Everything was moving. Everything was blurry yet in more detail. I had to leave my blindfold off for the rest of the trip. At the time, I thought Sam must have been pulling a prank on us. The external world was too fascinating. Tyler and I started laughing and talking to each other. He actually managed to keep on his blindfold the entire time, but there was no more meditation. Our human desire for stimulation had gotten the best of us. At the time we didn’t care. We had a blast. But looking back on it, it seemed like a pretty wasted day to me. I remember the night after even being a little depressed. I got nothing out of the trip that I had set out to get. I might of well have gone to a festival.
I’ve now learned there’s a reason why some people get spiritual insight out of psychedelics and others don’t. First of all it depends on the set and intentions. The whole point of using psychedelics for spiritual purposes is to shut off the ego. To reduce the DMN connectivity as fully as you can. This is why meditation in combination with psychedelics is so effective. Being stimulated by external environments like music festivals or even simply getting distracted by your friend with conversation is enough to keep you in this world. It allows the ego to live. That’s all the ego knows is the 5 senses and thought. So, the more external stimulation, the harder it is to allow the ego to fade away. The second reason people don’t get anything out of psychedelics is because they haven’t had enough awareness training. Awareness is trained through meditation and being present. It’s a skill. It’s like a muscle. The more you train it, the stronger it gets. You’ll find in meditation that this muscle gets stronger over time. At first, your awareness will be weak. You’ll try to focus it on your breath or your body sensations and then all of a sudden you forget you were even meditating. You got lost in thought. All of a sudden you weren’t even aware anymore. But, over time you’ll find this happens less and less often. You can focus for longer and longer periods of time and when you do start to get lost in thought, you catch yourself much more quickly. You’ll find awareness can become so powerful that you can remain aware as you’re falling asleep. As I mentioned before, this is the first step in astral projection. But most people lose awareness during sleep. You’ll wake up and feel like you had some dreams but can’t remember them. The same thing can happen during a psychedelic experience. Here’s the real magic behind psychedelics that took me a while to realize. Just as you dream every time you sleep whether you remember them or not, every time you take a large enough dose of psychedelics while meditating, you experience ego death. You reach a higher level of consciousness. A level of consciousness beyond the body. You actually experience your true nature. Any humanly thought or sensation goes away and you experience what it’s like to be conscious without the self. A being beyond the human. A being beyond form. Here’s the issue. This place you go to is beyond the mind. That’s why I’m not able to explain it. It’s impossible to accurately describe a thoughtless, mindless experience with the intellectual interpretation of language. Most of humanity only operates from this realm. The realm of thought. Well, if you only operate out of the realm of thought. You’re not going to bring anything meaningful back from psychedelics. If you don’t have something deeper than thought as a tool, you’re out of luck. The psychedelic experience will be like a dream. You will remember something crazy happened, but you don’t know exactly what. You’ll try to interpret everything with thought when thought simply doesn’t do the job. This is why training awareness is so important. If your awareness is strong enough, when the psychedelic experience ends you enable yourself to have realizations about what you experienced. Now these realizations are different from thought. They’re like this knowledge from within that spontaneously surfaces. It feels much different. Truths are realized from a place much deeper than thought. Somehow with enough awareness you these experiences will make sense. They won’t just seem like hallucinations. They’ll give you true insight on the true relationship between you and the universe. There’s no knowledge you need to have for these realizations to arise. It’s not like you read about non-duality, take a psychedelic, and then go, “Oh yeah that’s what non-duality is.” It’s the other way around. You take a psychedelic, experience a glimpse of a truth, start realizing what that truth means from the state of perception not intellect, then later read a book and think, “Oh yeah, non duality, that’s what you call this perception. Cool.” Every truth I’ve experienced has completely shattered the intellectual concept I previously had about that truth. In fact, in my opinion the only benefit of the intellectual understanding of these truths are motivation.
There’s such an elusiveness to the concept of awakening because it goes against the reinforced societal protocol of gaining earthly knowledge. In society if you’re lacking knowledge in a specific area you search for that knowledge externally. You read a book, you listen to a podcast, you watch a YouTube video, you read a scientific study, or you listen to a mentor in person. The more knowledge you obtain externally the stronger the belief that this is the only path to knowledge. You’ll find the most knowledgeable people in the world such as scientists and philosophers often have the most trouble with awakening. They simply can’t understand the concept that to know they must experience. Because there’s a great amount of external knowledge in books, podcasts, and even YouTube videos about oneness, non-duality, seeing past the ego, and other spiritual ideas, many people believe they can fully understand these concepts through external knowledge alone. They trick themselves into believing they fully understand when they’re still stuck on the level of intellect. External information must be treated as only as a tool that you use to find the truth within. The best books on awakening are written as such. Some have the power to make you feel more at peace as you read them. Some make you feel more and more confused and only clutter the mind more. You’ll find that awakening is so elusive because it’s the one concept that can’t be learned through external sources. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. If anything, awakening is about unlearning. It’s about dropping all the earthly concepts of reality that you currently have in your mind. You’ll see that the only thing holding back a person from awakening is their own restricted beliefs about the world. When these beliefs are truly dropped one’s true nature can be uncovered. It even makes me slightly uncomfortable to say that a person awakens. This implies that people’s current idea of the self awakens. This isn’t what happens at all. Everyone is actually already awakened. Every form appearing in consciousness is already fully enlightened. Most human forms have simply forgotten their true form. They have forgotten they’re already in an awakened state. This is quite the paradox, but you’ll find higher truths are full of paradoxes. That’s why they are difficult to obtain. You’ll hear many teachers say things like, “There is nothing to search for. You have always had what you seek.” While yes, that is true, and it makes perfect sense to me, it’s not helpful for someone trying to awaken. It implies that there’s nothing to do. That no proactivity is required. Yes, you’re simply getting back to your natural, true state. And of course, this natural, true state cannot ever be taken from you because it is you. But, there’s proactivity required in recognizing the false state you currently reside in and dissolving it.
In April of 2020 my spiritual practice had gotten to the point where the restriction of the ego had been fully recognized. I had fully understood how it works. I had fully understood how it caused every ounce of my suffering. I had even slightly weakened my attachment to it. When a thought arose that I interpreted as negative  I would notice it and say, “Ah, the ego’s playing it’s tricks again.” and allow the thought to pass. This definitely improved my state of mind. Negative thoughts and emotions decreased in frequency and positive ones increased. But I was still unsatisfied. I wasn’t feeling the bliss that spiritual teachers had promised. I knew I hadn’t experienced the concepts of oneness and non-duality. I wouldn’t allow my mind to trick itself into thinking it fully understood these concepts simply because of my intellectual understanding of them. Here’s a quick tip: if you’re unsatisfied, you haven’t fully understood the concepts. I realized this, so I kept searching.
Around this time I was seeing a girl named Emma. Emma was undoubtedly the sweetest most pure hearted human I had ever met. She was affectionate. There wasn't a moment out of any hang out session she wasn't touching or cuddling me in some way. I definitely didn’t complain. There wasn’t an evil cell in her entire body. I couldn’t imagine her ever using any manipulation tactics that the typical LA girl would use. I couldn’t even imagine her getting angry. There were never any games with Emma. She wouldn’t wait 30 extra minutes to text back to not seem needy. She never pretended to be busy and delayed hanging out with me. She never played hard to get. She was so considerate of my feelings. If she made a joke over text and I didn’t respond for a while, she would text me again to make it known that she sent it with only good intentions. Some would call this being needy. I found it refreshing. It felt real. I had never encountered someone with so much empathy. It was like this force, this aura I could feel when I was in her presence. Her sweetness made me feel like a total asshole for having even the slightest negative thought toward anyone. I had never seen anyone care for other people with the same intensity in which they cared for themselves. How was she like this? How could she be so sweet and caring in a world so narcissistic? How did I find someone like this in LA out of all places? Why can’t everyone be like this? What was it  that she had that the rest of the world was missing? Well, about a month later I would find out exactly what she had that differentiated her from the typical self-obsessed girl in LA: she had the truth. Emma was awakened.
At the time, although I loved Emma’s energy, the depth of her spirituality made me roll my eyes. She  would talk about things such as fate and destiny which I simply didn’t believe in. There was one conversation topic we both thoroughly enjoyed thought: psychedelics. Because Emma was so spiritual, it only made sense to tell her about my attempts at gaining some spiritual insight with LSD and psilocybin. It didn’t surprise me that she was quite experienced with those substances as well, especially psilocybin. I told her how I was disappointed with the results of my previous trips. With a completely joking tone I said, “Maybe I should go to Peru and get my hands on some Ayahuasca.”
Ayahuasca is essentially a South American herbal brew. It’s estimated that South American cultures have been using Ayahuasca in religious ceremonies for thousands of years. It’s commonly made from two different plants: the P. Virdis plant and the B caapi plant. There are many different variations though. An ayahuasca brew simply needs to contain a plant that contains dimethyltryptamine (DMT) and a plant that contains a monoamine oxidase (MO) inhibitor. The MO inhibitor prevents the oxidation of DMT in the digestive tract which allows it to be bioavailable. DMT, otherwise known as the spirit molecule, is arguably the most powerful psychoactive substance known to man. Most people, including me at the time, didn’t even think about going near it. It just sounded too scary. I had heard stories about people doing it and never being the same. Looking back on it, I’m surprised I never questioned why I thought that was a bad thing. Ayahuasca was the most powerful psychedelic substance I had heard of. The only thing I heard was more intense was smoking pure DMT. The difference is that smoking DMT can be more intense, but only lasts about 30 minutes. Ayahuasca on the other hand, while slightly less intense, can last up to 6 hours.
Even with the high prevalence of drug use within the festival crowd I associated with, I’d never met anyone who had done ayahuasca. When I made the joke to Emma I assumed she was going to laugh and say something like, “Yeah that would be crazy. Don’t touch the poison dart frogs.” But instead, with a straight face she says, “Oh yeah I’ve done that several times.” What?
I was immediately intrigued. I needed to know everything. Where did she do it? What was it like? Was her personality different before? Is that where her extreme tenderheartedness came from? She told me everything. Well, everything she could at least. Everything that I could understand. Obviously with this type of psychedelic experience, many aspects of it are simply beyond words. She could only speak positively about her experiences, which made sense since she kept going back for more. This didn’t mean they weren’t difficult though. She told me past trauma tends to creep back to the front of the mind during the experience and can lead to a nightmare of a time. Emma didn’t take this substance for fun though. This was part of the magic behind ayahuasca. Emma told me how it allowed you to heal from past traumas by uncovering it from deep within your subconscious. There’s trauma that we hold onto from childhood but simply isn't recognized. Emma described a single Ayahuasca ceremony as equivalent to 10 years of therapy. And that’s how it was done. In a ceremony. An actual religious ceremony. Her ceremonies were actually affiliated with a Native American Church.  It wasn’t some drug you just go get from your local drug dealer. Partaking in such an experience is serious business. In fact, traditional ayahuasca users would condemn such a casual practice. Even though the ceremonies had the potential to be rough, Emma largely attributed her finding peace to these ceremonies. She seemed to have a much more traumatic childhood than me. I won't go into the details, but it was a childhood that seemed impossible not to leave someone mentally messed up. But here she was sitting next to me, more mentally free than anyone I had ever met.  
I wondered if ayahuasca could be right for me. Did I have past traumas I was suppressing? Has that been holding me back from awakening? Do my traumas deep within my subconscious reinforce the artificial program that is the ego? It was possible. The ego is simply a trigger-reaction mechanism. Certain simulie make you act in a certain way without really being conscious of your response. It was possible I had traumas deep down that encouraged this mechanism. On the other hand, I didn’t feel like I had any traumas. Yes, I was bullied badly in highschool but I feel like I let go of that. I was even grateful for the experience because I believe I grew as a person from the experience. But then again, if my traumas were truly repressed, by definitionI wouldn’t know they were repressed, right?
 My life was about to get pretty busy though. In about a month I was starting an entirely new chapter of my life. I needed a break from Los Angeles, so I planned on moving. I was going back to my YouTube roots. Back to where it all started. Back to Austin Texas. Los Angeles was great. It served its purpose, but I wasn’t in love with it. Yes, if you’re new n the social media world, LA is the place to be if you’re business oriented. There’s not a place on earth with more opportunities.The thing was my brand was already well established. There wasn’t too much in LA that had helped me grow as a brand. My growth was determined almost exclusively by how good of content I was pumping out on YouTube. LA didn’t really help my content in any way. If anything it hindered it. Back when I first started YouTube in Austin, Texas I was more proud of my content. There’s a gold mine in downtown Austin for content like mine, and it’s called dirty 6th street. Dirty 6th street or east 6th street is about a half mile strip of bars in downtown Austin. There’s a reason why they call it dirty 6th. The bars aren’t where most of the action happens. It’s right on the street. Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday the entire street is blocked off to traffic and the people come. From homeless people to University of Texas students, everyone is welcome. It becomes a zoo. Everyone’s intoxicated. There are times at its peak that the street can be packed shoulder to shoulder. I can’t think of anywhere else on planet earth that’s better for my type of YouTube content. And that’s not the only thing I loved about Austin. I also loved the people. They had more of a welcoming, midwest vibe in contrast to the stuck up, snobby vibe of Los Angeles. So, when the opportunity to move back there came up, I hopped on it.      
I was planning on moving to Austin, Texas to live in this influencer house. It was a $3 million dollar mansion in the nicest part of the city. I was going to live there for free in the master bedroom. All I had to do in return was to promote the company who owned the house once and a while in a YouTube video. They were even going to fund different YouTube projects for me. Not only that but my 3 other fellow roommates would be Instagram models. It was safe to say that I would be preoccupied for a while once I moved to Austin. I wasn’t going to have the time in the near future to fly out to South America for an Ayahuasca ceremony. So in my mind it just wasn’t meant to be. That is, until Emma told me where her ceremony was. It wasn’t in South America. It wasn’t even out of the state. It was in Joshua Tree, a town in the desert just 2 hours away. And Emma was glad to connect me with the shamen. What the hell, what’s the harm in reaching out?
The main female shaman reached out to me via email a few days later. They stopped their ceremonies for a while because of COVID, but were restarting May 1st with extra COVID precautions. Wow, this is too perfect, I thought. I’m in quarantine right now. I have nothing else to do, and it seems like a great transition to my new life in Austin. I would heal my past traumas and feel like a new man in Austin, Texas. It would feel like starting an entire new life both physically and mentally, I thought. It just seemed right. It seemed like it was meant to be. So I signed up for the first ceremony available, May 1st.
Of course I told Tyler what I was planning on doing. In fact, I even told my parents. This wasn’t something I was trying to hide. I was proud of my decision. I wasn’t traveling 2 hour to go trip on some drugs for fun. I was doing it for my spiritual and mental health. I didn’t expect it to be fun in any way. My parents were supportive. Of course, they were a little worried for me, but they knew I was doing it with the right intentions. They were anxious to hear about my experience. Tyler was invited to come along. I already knew he wouldn’t though. Tyler was in the process of going from aspiring professional golfer to working in finance, and he still lived with his parents. He wasn’t comfortable telling them about his psychedelic adventures, plus it was still COVID season, and his dad barely allowed him to hang out with me. All of this along with the $300 price tag was enough to make it an easy decision for him not to come. I wasn’t too disappointed though. This could be one of the most profound experiences of my life, so the less distractions the better.
So, the afternoon of May 1st I packed up some water, a pillow, and a blanket and began the two hour drive to Joshua Tree. As I arrived at the house it was pretty close to how I imagined it. It was a small, low, rectangular house that resembled a shed to me more than it did a house. Outside was the most stereotypical white trailer you could think of. This place had “hippie” written all over it. None of this bothered me, though. At least for the night, this was the vibe I was going for. I was ready to embrace my inner hippie. I parked in the driveway, walked to the backyard, and was greeted by the three shamen and two other girls sitting in on the ceremony. Two of the shamen were guys, but besides that, I’d be the only guy in this ceremony.
Everyone seemed relatively normal considering the circumstances. The only thing abnormal was how happy and positive they always seemed and how well they treated everyone. They all seemed rather intelligent. No one seemed to be missing any nuts and bolts as I halfway expected. These were real functional people who just had a deep spiritual side. As soon as I greeted everyone one of the guy shamen showed me the backyard. Yard probably isn’t a good term to use here. We were in the middle of the desert, but it was absolutely stunning. The back of the house had an incredible view. We were at a high point, and out in the distance below us you could see the entire city of Joshua tree to the right. To the left were giant clusters of beautiful reddish rocks and desert foliage. This was exactly the place I wanted to do something like this. A natural sanctuary. I was shown the actual ceremony circle on the left side of the backyard near the rocks.I got to pick my seat and chose one on the left so I had a scenic view of the city and the tall mountains behind it. About an hour later, it was time to begin the ceremony.
The 3 shamen, 3 other girls, and I gathered around the ceremony circle. We were each given a mat and a floor chair and were encouraged to use our pillows and blankets to make ourselves comfortable. Because a couple people were new, we had a quick orientation. The shamen said they’d ask us how much we want on a scale of 1-10. We were also told not to touch anyone else, and to try and be as quiet as possible. We also weren’t allowed to leave the backyard during the entire ceremony. It was also recommended that we keep our eyes closed as much as we could. The external world was considered distracting.Seems simple enough, I thought. Then we were asked to say our prayers and/or intentions. This is one of the most important parts of the ceremony. Without a deep true intention the substance could take your mind anywhere, and it’s not something you can control in the moment. In fact, we were told the worst thing you could do during the experience is to resist. You can set an intention about what you want to learn or accomplish, but after that, you must give up all control and let what they called “Mother Ayahuasca” have her way with you. I thought my true intention of “awakening” might sound a little too eager so I went with the intention of “gaining back some childlike wonder.” I would have been content with either one of those. What I didn’t realize at the time was that those two intentions are one in the same.
After we said our intentions, one of the guy shamen came around the circle and asked us the dosage we wanted. There was not a chance I was going to say anything but “Ten.” I drove 2 hours and paid $300 dollars for a reason. I wanted to get as much out of this experience as I possibly could. We were all given our respective doses in a small cup, drank in unison, and the journey began.
After I drank out of the cup I was in a state of calm alertness. The entire day leading up to this I meditated. I even made sure to be in a fairly meditative state the entire car ride there. Because of this I didn’t feel any anxiety. I had a lot of energy, but it was calm energy. I knew it was going to take about 30 minutes to kick in, so I sat there, meditated, and waited for something to happen. My plan was to simply meditate and be aware of the experience. Whatever happens, happens, just remain as aware as you can, I thought.
Language cannot describe the entirety of the experience. Language is a mental construct and my experience went far beyond the mind. To attempt to understand a mindless realm with the mind is like a fly attempting to understand a 3D virtual reality simulation of a first person human experience. The levels of experience are simply too different. I shall try my best, though.
After 30 minutes I began to notice an altered state of consciousness, similar to that if I had just taken magic mushrooms. My perceptions of sensory experience were slightly altered, and my thoughts began to come faster and were less controllable. I remained sitting upright, alert, and focused though. My state of mind was positive. Everything was going well until the girl to the left of me started vomiting uncontrollably. I was somewhat prepared for this. Vomiting after ingesting ayahuasca is a common side effect. In fact, it’s welcomed as part of the ceremonial process. It’s called “purging” and it’s encouraged. We were even given a bucket just for this reason. The brew is so acidic that most people purge. It’s more rare not to. Soon everyone was purging. All three girls. It wasn’t your average vomiting session either. When I think of vomiting I think of a girl who drank too much at a party and has to spend 15 minutes in the bathroom with her friends holding her hair back. It wasn’t that type of vomiting. The vomiting was intense. It was extremely loud. It kept on going. It seemed to never end. It sounded like everyone was dying. I wanted to look around out of curiosity but kept my eyes closed as I was told. Now the paranoia started to set in. Why wasn’t I purging yet? Am I going to start vomiting that brutally? I began to feel sick. I couldn’t tell if it was because of the ayahuasca or the thought of the others' guts pouring out of their mouths. Soon I realized it was definitely the ayahuasca. My stomach was on fire. I didn’t just feel nauseous, I felt sharp pains. I wanted to start purging to get it over with but I couldn’t. Remember at this time I’m moderately hallucinating. The anxiety began to build. What have I gotten myself into? The pain in my stomach began to increase. Now I felt like I was dying. The feeling of agony is one thing when you’re sober. It’s an entirely different experience when you’re hallucinating. The paranoia really started to set. What if I am dying. Wait a minute. What’s going on? I’m sitting here in a cult-like ceremony. We all drank a red liquid in unison and were told not to resist. To welcome whatever happened. Soon after everyone starts aggressively vomiting as if they were poisoned. Oh my god. What if that’s what this is? What if we were all just poisoned. Am I taking part in a group suicide? At this point I’m hallucinating so badly I can’t even tell if my memories of Emma are real. I can’t even remember when I learned about ayahuasca. For all I knew ayahuasca doesn’t even exist. At the time I could only believe the shamen were Jim Jones and I had just drank the kool-aid. The agony was only increasing, and I still hadn’t vomited yet. Two of the girls had stopped. I wanted to look, but I was terrified of what I would see. I thought they were dead. Then the thought came into my head: don’t resist whatever you do. Even though I thought I was dying, this thought provided some comfort. Whatever I just did, there’s no going back. Even if I’m dying, I might as well not resist. I tried to remember my intellectual understanding of the self. My body and mind isn’t truly me. I am consciousness. My true nature is beyond form. I am forever. The true I cannot die. Obviously although I had an intellectual understanding, I didn’t have a full 100% belief in it. How could I without experiencing it? I was nervous. I stopped resisting, but I was still nervous. At least I’ll truly find out the true meaning of God, I thought. I rolled out of my chair and layed down on my side. I completely gave up all resistance. I was ready to die. I felt my body dieing. I felt my mind dying.I started seeing other worldly geometric shapes. I felt my memories disappearing. I felt my thoughts turning to nothingness. It felt as though my entire mind as I knew it began to unravel. I was turning into complete emptiness. Somehow though, I was remaining conscious.  
Looking back on it I realized the power of the ceremony. It was a death simulator. For me at least. I’m not sure if it had the same effect on everyone else as it did me, especially because some of the participants were veterans at this ritual, but it made perfect sense from my experience. Most of the participants wanted to work on some trauma. I found out after that that’s what most did. Just like Emma. Most people participate in ayahuasca for healing purposes. Weirdly enough, that’s exactly what happens to them. They heal trauma. During the ceremony they have worldly thoughts and memories pop up for them to observe and handle appropriately. For me on the other hand, not one repressed memory popped up. There was nothing I thought about during the ceremony that I hadn’t thought about in the past 3 days. Did I just not have any trauma? Has my spiritual practice let it disappear? Or was it simply not my intention? Why instead of working on my human life during the ceremony did I go straight to death? I couldn’t complain though once I realized what was happening. This is what I wanted to happen. This was my intention. I wanted to die. I didn’t want to kill my true self of course, the true self can never die. But the false self, the ego, I wanted to demolish. Mother ayahuasca was granting me my wish. I truly accepted death. And I got to experience it. I was experiencing an ego death. I realize now that ego death and death are essentially the same thing. The only difference is after ego death you snap back to your previous human form. The ego contains the attachment to not only the mind, but to the body. A true ego death disintegrates both. If you experience an ego death, you’re glimpsing the afterlife. I hate the term afterlife. It would make much more sense to call it the “true life.” When you experience ego death you go to a place beyond mind and beyond body. Of course I had heard about ego death before, but I didn’t realize it could be so horrifying. What made it so horrifying was the initial resistance. It’s incredibly difficult to feel your entire sense of self dissolving into nothing and not try to hold on. That’s why it’s so important that whatever you do, don’t resist. Once I stopped resisting, once I accepted the death of the self, got to witness the most awe inspiring, magical, otherworldly experience I could have ever imagined.
This is where language fails to do justice to the experience. In fact, memory itself doesn’t do justice to the experience. The realm I entered was a place beyond memory. A place beyond language. A place beyond thought. I place without time. A place without space. It’s impossible to imagine because space and time is all we know. It was a place of only awareness. It was a place of pure emptiness yet nothing was missing. My intellectual understanding of pure awareness without the body seemed rather empty. While yes, this place was empty, it was also full. For the first time I felt complete. I felt absolutely no suffering.I felt true bliss. I felt true contentment. But these felt nothing like I thought they could feel. “Feel” is not the right term to use, because there was no human sensory experience involved. It was as if the human senses of sight, touch, and sound all merged into one sense. At first I felt somewhat distinct. I felt as if every ounce of my was gone except my awareness. But I was still feeling my awareness. Soon though, my awareness grew. “Grow” is a poor description of what happened, because there was no space, but it’s the best word we have in the English language. I seemed to pool with other awareness. I became infinite. Somehow, this place felt eerily familiar. And again “felt” is a terrible verb to use. There was no human feeling. There was only an indestructible knowing. A knowing so strong it “felt” like the epiphany of all epiphanies. A realization so strong it simply cannot be compared to anything felt or experienced in the human mind.
I don’t remember how long i was in this place because there was absolutely no sense of time, but as the mind began to creep back I opened by eyes and started screaming “What the fuck?! What the fuck?!” I remember the shamen smiling as if they were expecting this reaction then softly telling me to lower my voice. What I had just experienced rapidly started slipping away. I couldn’t remember the exact experience, but I knew without a doubt in my mind that it was the most profound and meaningful experience I ever had in my life. I had gotten a glimpse. I didn’t understand what at the time, but whatever it was, it was absolutely incredible. At this point in time, I had absolutely no free will. Not just the intellectual understanding of no free will, but truly no free will. I didn’t even have voluntary actions. I felt like I was a puppet. I felt like I was watching a movie from the first person perspective of the main character. That I wasn’t the character, but was simply watching what was happening to him. I got up and started walking around. I ran over to the edge of the backyard and gazed at the stars and the city. But it wasn’t me doing the running. It wasn’t me doing the gazing. The true me was simply paying attention to what the character called “Connor” was doing. For the next little while I’m going to be referring to the human form of me as “Connor” because at this point in time of the ceremony I simply doesn’t make sense to refer to “Connor” as “me.”I felt like I was a character in a novel, and I was experiencing the novel as it was being written. All of a sudden realizations appeared out of nowhere. Insights flooded my brain. These insights didn’t come from Connor. They weren’t even of thought. They were knowing. They were knowing of the universe. They were knowing of experience. They were knowing my true self. So many realizations flooded my brain so quickly there was no way to process any of them. They disappeared as quickly as they appeared. One moment I felt like I understood the entire universe and the next I was back to my old, ignorant self. Then the earthly thoughts started seeping into my mind, but I didn’t feel like Connor was thinking them. “I want to see more.” My body was whisked back to my mat and I layed down again and closed my eyes.
I felt like I was beginning to go back to the same place. I was excited. I wanted to more fully experience it. I wanted to be able to somehow take the experience back to real life. But this time, as my awareness expanded beyond my body, it didn’t go to a place of emptiness. It went to other forms. So during a dream you can experience all sorts of crazy, physics defying adventures right? And I don’t know about you, but all my dreams have been from my point of view. The point of view of Connor. The point of view from Connor’s body and mind. Yes, in a dream maybe the body is a little more subtle, but it’s always my body nonetheless. And it’s definitely my mind. I could never have imagined experiencing another form’s body and mind. But that’s exactly what started to happen. Now yes, I had my eyes closed, but there was nothing dreamlike about these next experiences. I experienced the consciousness of a girl. Yes, you heard me correctly. Somehow my awareness was witnessing a girl’s body and mind. I don’t know who the girl was, or even what her face looked like, because I was experiencing it from her first person point of view. I saw my body as a girl’s body. I could touch my skin and it felt different. I even had different thoughts. Somehow the memory of me being Connor was still present, but other thought’s that weren’t Connor’s were somehow implanted into my head. I was remembering memories that weren’t Connors. They must have been the girl’s. Then the same phenomenon happened but I was an old man sitting on a tree stump with my bare feet on the ground. Again, I could look down and see the body of an old man. I would touch my old wrinkly skin and feel the body of an old man. I could even think wise thoughts of an old man that weren’t Connor’s thought. Then it got a little scary. All of a sudden I was a man lying on the ground. I had just been shot in the stomach. I could feel every ounce of the pain.It felt like how I imagined it would feel like to get shot but 10 times worse. I felt myself losing blood. I felt my head becoming lightheaded. I felt my physical body dying. Then I transformed into an animal. Transformed is the wrong word. My body didn’t morph into an animal’s body. My awareness somehow shifted to the form of an animal. I couldn’t tell exactly what I was because I was perceiving my experience as the animal from a first person point of view, but I was some type of prehistoric animal. My sight was different. The colors were different and my vision was somehow distorted. I didn’t have any thoughts whatsoever. I simply had sensory experience. Then all of a sudden I was back in my normal body. Connor’s body. But something was much, much different. I was laying on the mat looking up at the stars, but I had absolutely zero thought. I had no idea what the stars were. I had no language to even make up a name for them.I had no sense of who I was. I had no sense of what the world was.I had no memories whatsoever.I had no recollection of putting myself in this position. I had no mind. I only had sensory experience. I can only relate this experience to what it must have felt like when I was first born. Suddenly information started flooding my brain. I started receiving memories, I started gaining knowledge of the world I was perceiving. I started knowing where I was. I started gaining knowledge of the human form I was experiencing. Hundreds of thoughts and memories every second if not thousands. The process was overwhelming. It was extremely uncomfortable.I felt as if my brain was going to explode. Somehow I went from not having any idea of who I was to fully knowing everything there is about being Connor in a matter of minutes. The craziest part was I didn’t feel like any of these thoughts or memories were mine. Just a few minutes ago I was a blank slate. I had no thoughts whatsoever. I had no memories whatsoever. Where did they all come from. They didn’t feel like they came from me. They felt like they were given to me. I felt like I hadn’t actually lived in this world until that moment. I felt like I was just born. I felt like this was the first time I had ever been aware of the human form of Connor. The memories simply gave me the illusion that I had been experiencing him for 25 years.I felt like I had just been reborn.
I had always dismissed the idea of reincarnation. It had never really made sense to me. In fact, I hardly thought about it at all. The last time I thought of reincarnation was probably back in school when we were learning about different religions. Even with my newfound interest in the Buddhist culture it never really came up in my mind. I used to think there’s no way to know if you’ve been reincarnated because your new life would start out at age 0 with no memories. I now question that belief. Now I’m not saying I was reincarnated, especially since apparently I’ve been alive 25 years, but I can’t use a better word to describe that final process. I feel like I was reincarnated as myself. I feel like I was reborn. Compared to Connor’s thoughts and memories, I simply cannot believe I’m the same person deep down. Yes, I have all of Connor’s memories. Yes, I have all of his earthly knowledge, but I in no way feel like the old him. I don’t feel like I’ve always been him. I don’t feel like the deeper part of me has been aware of the life of Connor until the moment Connor was reborn. I still don’t know exactly how to make sense of this feeling, and it’s definitely not a bad one.I just can’t believe I’ve been witnessing this body and mind for 25 years. Everything about it seems so new. I feel like an entirely new person than what my thoughts and memories are telling me I used to be like. In my opinion, I’m way better.
As the effects of the ayahuasca began to wear off I was completely mind blown. I could not interpret what just happened. On the bright side, the world seemed more vibrant. The city of Joshua Tree in the distance was the most incredible sight I had ever seen. The clouds slowly moving in the sky, covering up the moon and stars in their path was breathtaking. Every single sense was heightened. I could easily get lost in the present moment. On the other hand, there was a sense of disappointment. Have you ever been in the middle of the best dream ever then your alarm clock wakes you up? Well that’s what I felt like but with 10 times the intensity. I realized I had experienced something people would pay their life savings to experience. I had experienced something monks meditate 50 years to experience. Somehow, I remained aware through it all. But unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remember everything. I couldn’t remember the details of the experiences, yet I knew with 100% certainty that they were the most profound and meaningful experiences of my life. I shouldn’t have been frustrated though because there’s simply no way to interpret the experiences I had had with the mind. The most memorable experiences were though when I was witnessing other forms from their point of view. During these moments I still felt I had a mind. During the ego death and the beginning of the reincarnation, I was completely mindless, and it was impossible to fully draw back on that experience.
As the night went on I attempted to get some sleep but it was impossible. I was wired. I had experienced more than I ever thought was possible in a lifetime. I was more than content with all the experiences I had. I was less content with what I took back from them. I didn’t remember any of the incredible realizations I had. I couldn’t remember what it was like to experience the collective consciousness. I felt like I was trapped at the experience level. There was no doubt I had the experiences I was looking for. I absolutely had glimpses of awakening. I was there. I experienced it. I was exactly where I wanted to be. And I learned that “where I wanted to be” completely blew my conception of what “where I wanted to be” actually was. But there were no realizations that came with it. At this moment, the benefit was me knowing with 100% certainty that awakening is possible. That death is definitely an illusion. It’s inconceivable to have an experience like that and still believe in the normal, scientific concept of death. I knew there was something out there to be more fully understood. That for a brief amount of time just several hours ago I had a complete understanding of it. For a brief amount of time I had completely unmasked the truth. Somehow I knew for a fact I had experienced the truth but just couldn’t hold onto it. I deeply desired to have the truth remain unmasked. I wanted to always see the truth no matter what the scenario. I didn’t want to have to take more mind altering substances to witness it. As everyone else slept, I sat there in contemplation for 5 more hours until morning.    
The next morning we gathered around the outdoor table on the back porch and began what the shamen called the “sharemony,” where each participant talks about their experience from the previous night. Everyone’s answers were fairly vague. They’d say something like, “I really went deep last night, located my negative energy, and released it.” I started to feel out of place. Was it normal to have an experience like I had? An experience beyond the human form? It seemed as though everyone worked on their “self” during the ceremony. I, on the other hand, transcended the self. An hour in there was absolutely no self to be found. When it was my turn to share I was slightly nervous, but I wanted to be sure to get the most out of this experience as possible, so I shared everything. I told them exactly what I just told you. Everyone’s jaw dropped. They were dumbfounded, yet extremely happy for me. As I imagined, what I experienced was not the standard experience, but it was better. “Wow that’s impressive,” said one of the guy shamen. “Ego death on the first try. We all try to get there but it’s tough.” With that affirmation I felt even better about the experience. Even though I couldn’t hold on to the feeling I had, at least I felt like I got more out of the ceremony than anyone could have expected. The sharemony came to a close, and I packed up my things and started the 2 hour drive home. One thing was for sure: the world definitely seemed more vibrant. It was the quickest 2 hour drive I’ve ever had.
As I reintroduced myself to society I wasn’t sure what to think. I should be thrilled. I got so much more out of the ceremony than anyone could hope for. The issue for me was that I experienced something so mind blowingly transcendental that all I could think about was wanting to go back. My first day back was almost exclusively spent meditating. I was hoping for something different to happen - anything. Besides feeling a little more present, it seemed like I was stuck back in normal life. The one thing I kept reminding myself was even if I didn’t remember exactly what happened, it sure happened. I was too busy harping on the fact that I couldn’t go back that I was missing the fact that I was completely free of the fear of death. Even though I didn’t know what, there was an undeniable knowing in me that something continues to happen when the body dies. Something incredible. I had a newfound appreciation for the profundity and mysteriousness of the universe. The idea of becoming unconscious when the body dies was laughable at this point. I knew the power this newfound freedom had. I realized how much better my life would be without this fear. If only I could be grateful for my glimpse and accept the fact that my taste of Nirvana was meant to be short and dwindling. I hopped into bed early hoping for some incredible dream to take me back. At least I’d be able to appreciate a good night’s sleep. I’d been wide awake for over 36 hours.
In the morning I woke up without any remembrance of a single dream. But I woke up with an odd feeling. Something felt different. I had an incredible amount of energy. I shouldn't have this much energy after that deep of sleep, I thought. My brain was absolutely wired. It was like I had just taken half a bottle of the leading nootropic pill company along with maybe a fourth pill of ecstasy. Where in the world did this come from? What was happening to me? The only thing on my mind was the ceremony, and my brain was working in overdrive. I was starting to remember. What. The. Fuck. I was having these sort of flashbacks. “Remembering” is the wrong word to use because it’s impossible to fully form a memory in the mind from an experience that was beyond the mind, but something was becoming clearer. Something I had forgotten was being uncovered in my mind, and it had to do with the nature of the universe itself. Suddenly, I had this uncontrollable desire to go to my laptop and write down my thoughts, if you could even call them “my” thoughts.
The process that took place over the next two hours is almost impossible to describe. It’s like trying to explain the sensation of eating a cake to a man who has only eaten rice his entire life. This process is something you have to experience. No language can do it justice. Over the next two hours my mind was on autopilot. In fact, what I experienced didn’t seem of the mind. There was absolutely no sense control, and the thoughts that came to me didn’t feel like normal thoughts. They felt like they came from a place much deeper than thoughts do. There was absolutely no voluntary thinking. There was no trying to remember anything. There was no effort whatsoever. Insights started filling my mind. Epiphany after epiphany. Realizations that felt like it wasn’t me doing the realizing. I attained some sort of cognizance that seemed beyond the human form. There wasn’t a time in my life that any sort of process of the mind had worked like this. It seemed like I was experiencing an inhumane type of cognition. Knowledge was flooding my brain and I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to. There wasn’t any attempt to think. At no moment did I say “Come on brain, give me some more knowledge.” It just kept happening. The only thing I could do was write it all down. At the time, I was worried this process was another temporary experience, so I wanted to make sure I had everything in writing to look back on. What I didn’t realize was this knowledge would be impossible to forget.
Insight after insight after insight. These insights weren’t just some thought where you say, “Oh yeah, right.” These insights felt like a drug. Each insight felt like I bit another small chip off of an ecstasy pill. Each insight lead to more insights. It was a vicious but beautiful feedback loop. An insight would come, and my understanding would grow, which would lead to another, more powerful insight. The processing speed of my brain seemed infinite. There were no gaps between the insights and writing them down. It was happening at the exact same time. Usually, you must think a thought, then type that thought through your keyboard. This process defied that concept. I was typing and realizing at the same time. I felt like my fingers had no free will whatsoever. It was the most streamlined projection of information possible. I was simply witnessing my mind and the microsoft word document being filled with knowledge. The hardest part to fathom was that the information I was jotting down was not only known on the intellectual level, it was known through experience. Every single concept I wrote down didn’t come from some book or podcast or YouTube video. I actually knew every bit of it. Not “I” as in the idea of Connor Murphy, the self, but “I” as in the deeper, true I. I realized this knowledge was mine. I had always had it. It was coming from within. It had simply been covered up. But now my mind was projecting my higher state of consciousness onto paper in words. The knowing was beyond words, but the mind was like the translator. The translation can’t be anywhere near perfect, but it was still profound. Many of the concepts I wrote down lined up perfectly with other spiritual teachers such as Eckhart Tolle. But these concepts were automatically known and written down without any thought about his teachings.This knowledge was mine. There was absolutely nothing external about it. It came from experience. It came from the experience I had always been experiencing. The experience I simply hadn’t realized because of the tricks of the ego. I realized this knowledge had always been within me. It was like a small seed just waiting for it’s first drop of water so it could naturally blossom into the most beautiful flower. Somehow I had watered that seed, and no there’s no stopping the flower from growing.
It’s incredibly difficult to explain how these insights worked. On paper, they were no more profound than the concepts I’ve written down previously in this book. The distinction was that as I was writing down these concepts I was knowing these concepts. There’s a huge difference between writing these down as you learn them and writing them down as you know them. All the spiritual terms like non-duality and the ego were all of a sudden known. I wasn’t writing down these concepts with thought, like I would have to if I was simply pulling the definitions from Eckhart Tolle’s teachings. I was writing my definitions for these terms because I had, and was, experiencing them. The definitions matched up, of course, but that’s inevitable. Two people experiencing the same thing will describe it in similar ways. That’s the power of the truth. Every awakened spiritual teacher’s stories match up perfectly. There’s no contradictions as there are with different Christian teachers. You’ll find different Christian teachers can explain God in two completely different and conflicting ways. But the truth is the truth, and once you experience it, there’s no unknowing the truth. In fact, there was never an unknowing of the truth. There was only a covering up of the truth.
I fully understood the distinction between the ego and my true self. I could actually perfectly pinpoint the ego and it’s tricks. I had understood it on an intellectual level before, but I had never truly experienced the distinction. My idea of it had completely changed. I used to think of the ego as just thought. I thought if you were thinking, the ego is still there. That’s not exactly how the ego works. The ego is the restricted thought. Negative thought. Thought you don’t want to be thinking. Thought that seems automatic and unavoidable. How could I have not understood this before? Of course in an awakened state you can experience thought. The thought just isn’t restricted. Thought simply isn’t negative. Your thoughts are only thoughts you want to think. You’re free. You completely recognize any negative thought simply isn’t you, and you don’t have to think it. There’s this indescribable recognition between who you truly are as a human form and the falsehood that is the ego. It’s a deeper level of knowing that can only be known through experiencing it directly.
For the first time I could fully comprehend the potential beauty of a world without ego. Before I failed to truly understand what a fully awakened world would look like. I understood it must be peaceful from an intellectual level. But now I could feel it. It was almost as if I’d been part of a fully egoless world before. It would be like all human minds merging into one. The possibilities would be endless. The earth seemed like this giant puzzle. Different egos with different superficial desires. It was like the earth had it’s puzzle pieces taped together to give the illusion that the puzzle was solved. But I realized the only way to truly solve it was to expand our consciousness and the pieces would gradually be put together as our consciousness expands.
I finally grasped the concept of pure awareness. I could feel it. I knew the experience. It seemed so familiar. Which made sense because that’s what I truly am. I realized when I tried to imagine or feel pure awareness I always had some sort of thought attached with it. Some other sense. There’s simply no way to describe it, but the experience of it is pure bliss. I can’t describe what it is. I can only tell you it’s the absence of everything else. Completely empty yet absolutely full. The idea of unconsciousness was baffling. How could I have thought my true self could ever be unconscious? There simply isn’t unawareness. Only awareness. Saying there’s unawareness in the universe is like saying there’s a dry spot in the middle of the ocean.  
At this time is when I had a completely different opinion on enlightenment. I understand how some people use the same definition for enlightenment and awakening, but I realized there was so much more to the universe than simply awakening. Awakening is just the next level of the expansion of consciousness. But I knew that there was much more evolution to go through beyond the awakening process. That’s what I like to reserve the term enlightenment for. I like to think of it as the entire consciousness expansion process. After awakening what is there? Well, more enlightenment. The uncovering of even more wisdom and knowledge. More epiphanies. More paradigm shattering moments. I like to think of enlightenment as relative. Awakened individuals are more enlightened than unconscious, ego driven humans. But there are many awakened individuals, and some are much more enlightened than others.
Throughout this process I felt incredibly humbled. I felt almost embarrassed. How could I see the world the way I did before? How could I be that stupid? At the beginning of this book I said I was tied as the most open minded and the most humble. I think you realize who else is in first place. That’s right. Every awakened individual
So many different paradigms were shattered. My whole world was turned upside down. Science was so frustrating now. While it gives us somewhat of an understanding of the world, it’s so obvious it’s what keeps people from opening their minds to the mysticallness of the universe. It’s a huge hindrance to awakening. I also couldn’t imagine ever eating animals again. I fully realized the concept of oneness. I felt it. As I stared at the rest of the world all I saw was me. I couldn’t imagine hurting any living form ever again. I couldn’t even imagine stepping on a spider. What on earth is happening to me?
Wait a minute, I thought. Other people have gone through this. Other people know. It’s not just me. No way. Could Emma know? Is Emma awakened? That would explain her saint-like personality. I have to call her now. At 9 o’clock in the morning I facetimed Emma. She answered. I could tell she had a feeling something was much different about me just by looking at me. I didn’t even have to say a word. All I could think of to say was, “Emma...do you know?” She sat up from her bed and screamed, “What the fuck?!” I screamed, “What the fuck?! You have to come over right now.” Without a thought, she was on her way.
We talked for hours. The entire time my jaw was dropped. She understood literally everything I said. I understood literally everything she said. We talked about the universe. We talked about consciousness. We talked about ourselves. The one us. That was what it truly felt like. We were one. I wasn’t talking to another being. I was simply talking to myself. Me saying something to her and her responding was no different than me having a conversation with myself in my mind. It was the most mind blowing experience yet. I just kept thinking how I couldn’t wait for the entire world to be like this. I hoped it would be in my lifetime. I could talk to Emma about literally anything. I could talk to her just as freely as I could think. There were no insecurities. There was no jealousy. There was no fear. There was only love. There was just the pure human experience.
She wanted to help wake up the world as well. Emma is an artist. She told me how she’s been thinking of song lyrics that could help open people’s minds. She told me how many more people than I think are awakening throughout the world. She explained how there are other societies beyond the United States that are more awakened. Places like Amsterdamn are further along in  the evolution of consciousness. She told me about Amsterdam and how the people operate much more out of love than fear. How their egos are weak and their hearts are strong. Amsterdam’s external society reflects their internal minds. There are so much less unnecessary restrictions. Prostitution is legal. The sexual frustration of men is the cause of much of the evil in the world, and Amsterdam limits it. Not only that but it normalised sexual desire. Sexual desire is a natural phenomenon within the biology of every human. Corrupt religions in the United States have caused sex to be demonized which is horrible for mental health. Repressing such a natural desire can only wreak havoc on the mind. Amsterdam is so sex freindly that not only id nudity legal, but sex in certain parks at night is decriminalized. When you can drop insecurities or even just lower them significantly, this is the type of world that begins to take shape. Also, even though technically still illegal, Amsterdam smartshops sell magic mushrooms and even peyotie, another psychedelic substance. Wow, I thought. This gives me hope. And this is still just the beginning. The world seems to have the ability to turn into a magical place. I want to do everything in my power to help speed up the process.
Over the next few days the process continued. Insight after insight after insight. What was happening to me on a physiological level? Even though I had seemingly transcended the most advanced scientific research on consciousness, I still like to know how the world works from a scientific point of view. Science can be useful in many ways. It can give us the clues to go beyond science. I started researching more about ayahuasca and the physiological effect it has on the body. It turns out like most psychedelics, ayahuasca decreases the activity of the DMN. Could have easily guessed that one. That explains the ego death. What it doesn’t explain was these other worldly realizations I was receiving after the fact. Was it the ayahuasca or was it simply time for my spiritual awakening? Most likely a combination of both. Ayahuasca also floods the brain with gamma brain waves. Gamma brainwaves are the highest brainwave frequency. They vary from 25Hz to 100Hz, 40 being typical. Gamma brainwaves are associated with peak cognitive functioning in humans. These brain waves have been associated with improved memory, compassion, elevated mood, elevated senses, and increased intelligence. Usually these brain waves occur during REM sleep.But other than that, most people have hardly any gamma brain waves firing during the day. The expectation to this, are buddhist monks and other highly spiritually practiced individuals. In fact, more experienced monks’ brain waves have been shown to be up to 30 times higher than their students. The more spiritually practiced the monk, the higher amount of gamma brain waves. I guessed that my gamma brain wave activity must be above average on a normal day, but it seemed like the ayahuasca skyrocketed my brain’s gamma wave activity. My fear was it was only temporary. I didn’t want to lose this magical state of mind. I decided to do some research on how I could increase these brain waves naturally. The most practical way I found was to listen to binaural beats at the gamma frequency. Binaural beats are essentially two different frequencies played in each ear. Your brain processes the difference of these frequencies. So I grabbed some headphones and found some binaural beats on YouTube with a difference of 40hz, the gamma frequency. I messed around and tried different frequencies as well such as the theta frequency. There was a noticeable difference in the effect. When I listened to the gamma frequency I felt more alert and energized. When I listened to the theta frequency I felt more relaxed and even sleepy. This was enough to get me hooked. Still to this day when I meditate I turn on some binaural beats at the gamma frequency.
I also learned about Dr. Joe Dispenza, a researcher, lecturer, and author who studies neuroscience, epigenetics, and quantum physics with the main goal of improving people’s health and wellbeing. He’s one of the few people I’ve come across that has really brought together some concepts of spirituality with science. The recommends a deep breathing technique that is meant to bring energy up from the core to the brain, specifically the pineal gland. Usually, most of our energy, or chi, as the easterners would call it, is stored in our core to aid in our digestion, procreation, and survival. In Hinduism they’d say this energy is usually stored in the lower three chakras. In Buddhism they’d say this energy is usually stored in the lower dantian. The purpose of the breathing exercises is to push this energy up from the lower energy center(s) up to the higher energy center(s). The goal is to stimulate the sixth chakra, also known as the third eye or the upper dantian. Dr. Dispenza gets into detail of the science behind this. The idea is to contract the perineum and then suck the stomach muscles in as you inhale. This starts moving cerebral spinal fluid (CSF) from the bottom of the spine up to the top of the spine. CSF contains proteins and salts that have an electric charge. After this a type of electromagnetic field is created. If done correctly, all the energy you would usually use for digestion, procreation, and survival is drawn up to the brain, specifically to the pineal gland. The pineal gland is widely discussed among spiritual traditions due to it’s spiritual capabilities and commonly referred to as the third eye. When the pineal gland is stimulated with this energy, the brain begins to release higher levels of gamma brain waves. But it doesn’t stop there. After this the pituitary gland is stimulated as well, releasing oxytocin, the love hormone, causing feelings of bliss and happiness.
From a spiritual perspective, this makes perfect sense. Remember all fear stems from our survival mechanism, so the energy from these emotions is stored in our survival energy centers in our core. When we conjure this energy up to our brain, all negative emotions revolving around fear are essentially transmuted into love and peace. This is another concept in which I’ve transcended the intellectual understanding. I started performing these breathing exercises, and vividly experienced this entire process. My mind was blown even further.
With the assistance of the gamma binaural beats and the breathing exercise, I was somehow able to fire the neurons in my brain in such synchronization that I wrote 70 microsoft word pages worth of insights in 3 days. Somehow, in less that a week, I went from a spiritually frustrated YouTuber to a guru with complete experiential understanding of the universe. Now while that might sound arrogant, trust me it’s not. When you reach this point the importance of the self dwindles. My spiritual success is the world’s spiritual success. It in no way makes me a more superior person. In fact, in my eyes I’m less of a person than I ever have been. I’m not simply a human anymore. I am the universe.  
Oh. My. God. Are you kidding me? On day 6 after the ceremony I had the largest epiphany of the entire spiritual awakening process. One equally as terrifying as it was exciting. I finally had the knowledge I was looking for. I could actually teach it. No, I had to teach it. It was an obligation I never committed to, but I felt more committed to it than any responsibility I had ever had. You can’t just obtain this knowledge and not share it. In fact, it’s impossible. Part of awakening is pure unconditional love for everything in existence. You desperately want peace and happiness for all of life. And there’s not one thing on this planet that could increase the peace and happiness of a human than awakening. In fact, it’s the only thing that can truly get someone there. It was all I could think about. I have to share this with the world somehow. But how? Some people simply aren’t ready for this kind of knowledge. Most of the world’s egos are too strong and will reject any of my teaching immediately. I guess that’s a fact I’ll have to accept. What I had experienced was so powerful, awakening just one person is worth thousands of people calling me crazy. How do I go about doing this? Then it hit me like a train. No way. I had to do a double take of my mind. Then a triple take. Am I really meant to do what I’m thinking I’m meant to do. One word dominated my brain and it wouldn’t go away: Jesus.
Months ago I had realized Jesus was human. Months ago I had understood how Jesus was simply a spiritual teacher. Months ago I recognized that anyone with the right plan and true knowledge of the universe could have an incredible impact on the world. Months ago I knew the only thing keeping me back from making it happen was my lack of true knowledge. Everything started coming together. I have the knowledge now. I have the intense desire to change the world. I have the most perfect platform to reach millions of people. I have to do it. There was no, “What if.” There was no, “Let’s think about this a little longer.” There was no hesitation whatsoever. I had to do this. I had to give it my best shot. I would be doing a selfish disservice to the world if I didn’t put every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears that I had to try and spread this message in the most impactful way possible. I had to think of a plan. Not a safe plan. Not even a good plan necessarily. I had to think of a plan that would ignite the world with conversation. I didn’t need to wake up the world immediately, I simply needed to draw attention to what’s possible. All I needed to do was plant seeds in people’s minds. The only desire any human truly has is to be happy. People will get there all on their own. In fact, that’s the only way someone can get there. My job is to simply be a catalyst. My duty is to place a spark.
I soon found it humorous that I would have to “think” of a plan. That’s not how my brain was working. There wasn’t any thinking. Insights would somehow just be inserted into my brain as if it was some sort of divine intervention. That would make sense because every human is divine at their core, so I guess you could say these insights were coming from me but certainly not the me I’m used to getting ideas from. The plan simply came to me. The details would be filled in as the plan was executed, but the overall idea popped into my head in a matter of minutes. It was a plan my human mind realized was absolutely crazy but my true self never had a doubt that I wasn’t going to pull it off: I was going to reenact the story of Jesus.
As we’ve discussed earlier in this book, a reenactment of the story of Jesus would look much differently than it did 2000 years ago, especially from a Christian point of view. From earlier in this book we already know my perspective on the story of Jesus. He didn’t actually die. Evidence in the Bible storyly supports the idea he faked his death. Thank God. Actually dying would be a pretty risky plan. Also there are no crucifixions in the modern world. There’s also not a way to have people look at your body and be tricked into thinking you’re dead. People are much more closed minded now. Everyone would demand a doctor examine me and check my vitals for a sign of life. I would have to go about things much differently. The best I could do was parallel the story. I would act out my own story with as many connections to the original story as I could practically execute. The mandatory connections would be a fake death and a “resurrection.” People didn’t have to 100% believe that I died. That would be pretty impossible in modern day. For someone to 100% think you died you would actually have to die. Science really puts limits on reenacting this story. It was enough for them to think that I might have died. Anywhere around 50/50 seemed good enough for me. Also, the world has also changed so much from a technological standpoint. If Jesus were born 2000 years later, there’s no question he would have used social media to his advantage. I felt like my entire life had just been leading up to this. I was meant to be a catalyst in the awakening of the world. That’s why I started a YouTube channel and grew a social media following. What I was doing before online seemed completely meaningless compared to this. For the first time, I felt like fate was real. Even though I knew a doctor would call this something like a “grandiose delusion,” the feeling was too strong for me to care. It was my destiny to pull this off no matter what the costs. Here’s the psychotic plan that was implanted into my mind:
Post some YouTube videos of me “enlightening” some of my friends. The idea would be to teach spirituality to them, but to do so in a way only a few people would understand. These people would be my “disciples” and the other people would call me crazy and blasphemous like they did Jesus. I knew exactly who would understand and who wouldn’t.
Fake my death. I would post a YouTube video crying and acting depressed. I would say I’m going to kill myself.
Call the cops on myself to make sure they start looking for me. Eventually, I wanted to be willingly arrested just like Jesus was.
While the cops are looking for me, film footage of me acting like Jesus. I would do good deeds, teach my version of Jesus’s teachings, and see if I could perform any “miracles.”
Get arrested.
Get admitted to a psych ward. This shouldn’t be too hard since everyone will think I’m suicidal. The psych ward would be my “tomb.” It’s confidential so it wouldn’t be able to get out that I was still alive.
Stay in there for 3 days, then “rise again” on the third day. I would make a YouTube video and Instagram post revealing that I was alive.
Make a YouTube video revealing the entire plan. This has to be done meticulously, or I’ll be hated for faking my death and/or comparing myself to Jesus. I would need to explain the true story of Jesus like how he was simply a human who taught enlightenment, and tried to rid the world of ego so people could reach the kingdom of heaven, or Christ consciousness. Oh yeah, and that he faked his death. It would also be a must to emphasize how I did this for the good of humanity.
Hopefully some people would have some epiphanies just like I did when reading the Power of Now about the true nature of Jesus and his teachings. This would get people on the path to practicing spirituality and awakening.
Prepare for the hate.
Yes, I get it. At the time, if I told anyone this plan they’d say, “Connor, that’s so horrible to fake your death! You’re going to worry so many people!” Here’s the thing. When you’re awakened you’ll look back on your past mental suffering and laugh. You can’t believe you fell into the trap of the ego. You’ll also blame absolutely no one but yourself. Victimhood mentality will be nowhere to be found. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but if your state of mind is affected by some external event like someone faking his death, that’s your issue. It is this type of victim mentality that leads to fear and suffering and keeps the world from waking up. No one controls your happiness. Only you do. Now of course I’m not saying go be a jerk to everyone since it’s their fault if they get offended. You still must treat others the way you would like to be treated. And I followed that rule. People who play victim and automatically react to the external world need the truth more than anyone. If I were in their shoes, I would go though months of physical torture if that guaranteed waking up. A little worrying for three days is trivial. If people aren’t worrying about me they're going to be worried about something else. Remember the prison prank show example earlier in this book? That’s what was about to happen. The reward would far outweigh the price. Now I’m not a psychopath. I still have empathy. In fact, because of my awakening, my empathy is infinite, and it was at the time of this plan as well. I would be sure to find a way to let my parents and friends know I’m ok as soon as possible. But again, the goal of this was to make people realize the truth, or at least get people on the path. If someone knew they could be truly happy, they’d literally do anything. In the long run, I knew there would be no hard feelings. I’ll give away a little spoiler. Today, a month and a half after this all took place, I have better relationships with my friends and family than I’ve ever had before. I knew that would be the case at the time, so I decided to get some sleep and start the chaos that next morning.
The first line of work was to start teaching via a series of zoom interviews with my friends. This would be analogous to when Jesus first started spreading his teachings. Most called him blasphemous and few became disciples. I needed to figure out who my disciples would be and who would think I’ve gone insane. I picked out two of my friends who were deep into self development to be my disciples. The first of the two was Michael, my manager. Over the past couple years he had completely turned his life around. He went from an insecure, depressed kid to a successful business owner and manager with a newfound passion for dancing like Michael Jackson through self improvement. Although I wouldn’t say he was super spiritual, Michael was into philosophies such as stoicism and meditated daily. I knew exactly how I’d “enlighten” him on the zoom call. I simply talked to him about his self improvement journey. I got him to feel the emotions behind it. I had him realize how exponentially his happiness was trending. I reestablished in his mind how his positive philosophical mindsets and meditative practice was creating a more authentic and peaceful being within. I made him ponder what life could be like in 10 years if his happiness kept trending like it was. On this track, there would only be one way to describe how he would be feeling: like a god. I hyped him up and he was loving it. After I posted our conversation on YouTube he called me up afterward and said he felt high. His brain was on fire. He felt more excited and motivated by life than he ever had before. The conversation acted like a catalyst to escalate the awakening in him that had started years ago. Just as the stoics would say about any situation I said to myself, “Perfect.” Michael would definitely be considered a disciple.
The next disciple would be my other best friend Brett. Brett wasn’t only on the self development path, but he was a self development teacher as well. He’s the proud owner of a self development YouTube channel with over 600k subscribers. He also is familiar with Eckhart Tolle and has read “The Power of Now” and “A New Earth.” This would be easy, I thought. I knew Brett, and I knew exactly where his spiritual buttons were. I got him on the zoom call and immediately started talking about the incredible relationships and experiences you can create with women when the ego truly drops. Like me, Brett loves women. But also like me, they cause him a ton of stress. I talked to Brett about what it truly takes to drop the ego and the magic that can happen afterward. I described the ecstasy behind a romantic relationship where both egos are dropped leading to absolutely no insecruites. I had him imagine the feeling of the consciousness of two beings merging into one. I made him visualize what it would be like to be with a woman and her simply appear as an extension of his consciousness, not a separate being. He envisioned what sexual experiences could be like with absolutely no insecurities, anxiety, or negative thoughts whatsoever. Pure ecstasy. Pure pleasure. Like almost everyone on the planet, he’d never experienced sex without insecurites. The idea was mind blowing. He sat there for an hour as I expanded his mind with the endless possibilities of awakening. I could feel his energy being charged like a battery throughout the call. It was safe to assume Brett could be considered a disciple.
Now it was time to appear a little crazy. It was time to parallel the fact that most people didn’t believe Jesus’ teachings. Ideally, it was time to appear a little blasphemous. This would be the easy part. I thought to myself, who are the most close minded people I know when it comes to spirituality? First on the list was my christian friend Patrick. Patrick was as hardcore of a Christian as they come. He was still a virgin. And this was definitely by choice. I’ve hung out with Patrick quite a bit, and he had no issues with the ladies. Patrick was also a social media influencer so getting him to hop on a zoom call for my YouTube channel was a breeze. He was grateful for the exposure. This call was easily executed. I simply talked to him about God. The main difference between Christians and spiritual realization is that Christians believe God is separate. They believe they are these beings unworthy of happiness themselves and rely on an imaginary external entity to mercifully save them from their suffering. What an extremely unhealthy mindset for mental health. All I had to do was to mention the possibility that God was within all of us. That God was us. To a devout Christian, these ideas are immediately dismissed by the ego. All Patrick did was throw out quotes from the Bible, a book translated by ego itself, to prove his points. Although I talked from direct experience, there was no budging his faith. I even used some biblical quotes myself and explained their true meaning, but I knew any attempt in opening his mind was futile. Even though the conversation had a positive tone to it, I could tell he was frustrated on the inside. Perfect, I thought. Blasphemy. Check.
One last bit of relative insanity and it would be enough. Who else would be perfect in showing skepticism? As supportive as they are, the answer was my parents. Here’s why they’d be perfect. My parents have known me as this sky, reserved kid my entire life. And of course because they’re not spiritually awakened, they identify themselves and others by they’re superficial traits such as they’re physical form, ideologies, and behaviors. I had just been spiritually awakened, and I felt incredible. I could say anything. I had no filter whatsoever. The shy, reserved version of Connor had floated away into the ether. In other words, it had never existed. I hopped on a zoom call with them and simply showed pure joy. I explained to them the incredible ecstasy that comes with spiritual awakening. I described how when the ego is destroyed all insecurities, negative thoughts, and negative emotions cease to have any effect on one’s happiness. I was vibrant and energetic. To them (and most people) I seemed off my rocker. They were worried. They didn’t believe such a transformation was possible. They thought the ayahuasca was still in my system. Again, I felt extreme empathy for them. I didn’t want them to worry. But I was acting out of pure love. They’ve told me over and over that what they want most out of life is for their children to be truly happy. This was just part of the process in proving that to them. I knew it wouldn’t happen during the zoom call, but it was a start. They didn’t believe an ounce of how I was acting was sincere. It wasn’t the Connor they had known. They were right. The illusory self of Connor was gone. They were experiencing true human expression. But they didn’t understand it whatsoever. They were definitely skeptics. Perfect.
These videos had quite the response on my YouTube channel. I can’t even imagine how confused they must have been. Normally, they see me taking off my shirt in front of girls and getting their numbers. Now all of a sudden they’re seeing me act as if I’m this spiritual teacher preaching about lowering the ego even though there’s no content online that’s more egotistical than mine. Despite the contrast in the content, these videos got many more views that I expected. The one with Brett received over 100k views and the one with my parents received over 200k views. They were definitely a little more disliked than normal, but that was expected and welcomed. What surprised me was the amount of positive messages and comments I received. My message resonated with a ton of my fans. More of my fans were on the path to awakening that I had thought. The number of disciples were far greater than I imagined they would be. It was time to get some sleep. I would need as much energy as I could get. Tomorrow was a big day. I fell asleep preparing my mind for the internet believing I had died.
There was no time to be wasted. I had a lot to accomplish in 24 hours. I woke up with nervous excitement and anticipation. It was time to make the video. The video there would be no going back from. The video that whether my plan was successful or a failure, was undoubtedly going to impact my life. There was never any second guessing though. I simply had to do this. I felt so in control it almost felt out of control. It was like my human form couldn’t stop the plan if it wanted to. My greater self, me as the universe, was making it happen no matter what. I didn’t even think about what I was going to say. I simply turned on the camera, and let the inner actor in me take over.
Acting is an interesting concept when it comes to spirituality. Acting can actually be a powerful stimulant to the awakening process. If you closely pay attention to the experience of acting, you can have some profound realizations. Acting was the cause of Jim Carrey’s awakening. This is how it worked. Jim Carrey didn’t just act. He became the character he was playing. He didn’t just read the lines and change is voice tonality and facial expressions. He rewired the inner workings of his mind to believe it was the character. This process is called method acting. Method acting is truly inhabiting the role of the character. If you’re acting as a jock, you don’t just talk like a jock. You don’t just act like a jock. You become the jock. You feel what it’s like to be the jock. You eat, sleep, and breathe as the jock. You create a past story as the jock. Your whole mind begins to forget who the actor is and simply becomes the jock. This is how Jim Carrey acted. He didn’t step out of his character when I was off set. He stayed in character, and his mind started to believe he was the character. If an actor does this process frequently and well enough, they begin to realize that the character they’re playing is no less real than what they think of as themselves. They begin to realize that their sense of self is simply a character that they played in the real world. In fact, they played many different characters in the real world. They had a character for when they were alone. They had a character for when they went to the grocery store. They had a character for when they went on a date. Their thoughts and behaviors mold to fit their circumstance. In reality, literally everything is acting. The self is an illusion. It’s simply the character you identify with. But you don’t have to identify as any character. You have the power to be a chameleon. You can be any character you wish to be at any time. This is freedom from the false self. When you reach this level, all of a sudden acting becomes the reality, not the falsehood. Acting becomes more real than the self, because you are aware that you’re acting. You’re aware the character you’re playing isn’t permanent. The self, on the other hand, is not aware it’s just a character. Now, if you truly want to act, there’s no resistance. You’ll find most shy people with a severe attachment to the self have trouble acting. They’re reserved. They cannot fully get out of the character of the self and into the new character. When the ego is destroyed, there’s no longer a hindrance. You can completely become any character you want to be. To fake my death for the internet, I was about to fully become a suicidal adult.
I immediately fell into depression. Not depression as you would think of it, though. There was absolutely no suffering. The underlying feeling of peace remained. But I felt the most negative emotions you possibly feel. Anguish, hopelessness, and misery. Somehow during this whole process, these emotions didn’t seem negative though. I embraced them. I even enjoyed them. It was astounding to me how great negative emotions can feel when you’re not attached to them. It’s like being in a movie. Funnily enough, I actually explicitly said I was acting at the beginning of the video. This was to hopefully keep YouTube from taking the video down (which didn’t work) and to further clarify the unreality of the video after I reveal how it was all a plan at the end. I didn’t know exactly what I was about to talk about in the video, but if I wanted to truly sell it, I knew it was about to get deep. For anyone I mentioned in the video, I wanted to be sure it was known not to be true in the end. I began to cry and pour out these new emotions. With this preface, the acting had better be really good for people to believe it’s not actually acting. It was. I became an instant method actor. I created a fake story and tricked my mind into believing it. Funny enough, this is what everyone does on a daily basis, and it causes them suffering. Somehow, even though my mind believed the story I was telling it, the deeper me was still detached from the mind, so I still had inner peace. I started venting about how depressed I was. I cried about my family and how they’re depressed, and how my sister was suicidal because of the lack of love in our family. I expressed how I just wanted my family to be happy, but it just couldn’t happen. I described how my life situation was great, but I was hopeless in finding true happiness. I implied I was planning on slitting my wrists in the bathtub. Yeah I know. It got deep. I didn’t realize I would create such a serious story, but that’s where my acting took me. That’s what made me feel the emotions I needed to feel in order to make the video realistic. You’ll find in life there’s no way to feel a negative emotion by just feeling it. There had to be a thought involved to latch onto. Positive emotions such as love on the other hand are much different. They’re natural. They’re true. Love is the base energy of the universe. It comes with the absence of thought. The point is, I couldn’t reach such a deep level of realistic acting without thinking about a truly depressing situation for me. This situation of course, wasn’t true. I had a great relationship with my family. I realized the consequences this video could have. I accepted the fact that my family would be upset. But my mind was too focused on the plan. Aiding in the awakening of the world was overruling any other thought in my mind. At least my family would know it was just acting. Or so I thought.          
At the end of the video I gave away my address. I figured that would really sell it. No YouTube gives away his address on purpose. With the public knowing your address, your life can become a nightmare. Luckily for me, I was planning on moving to Austin the following week, so I didn’t mind. Also, I eventually wanted the cops to come and believe the charade as well. I scheduled the video to be posted two hours later. This would give me a head start to continue with the rest of the plan. After I scheduled the video I made my room a mess. I wanted it to look like someone with a serious mental disorder had been living there. I threw my sheets on the floor, toppled over some chairs, and threw some couch cushions on the ground. Then I left a suicide note in a journal in the middle of the room, basically explaining the message that would soon be posted for the entire internet to see. Of course, I filmed this entire process for proof at the end that it was all part of the plan.
I rushed out the door and hopped in my car. The next step was to completely go off the grid. I knew the cops would be searching for me soon. Surely at least a few of my fans called the cops. I’m not sure how they could call themselves fans if they weren’t at least a little worried about me. Unless my acting was terrible of course. It was too early to tell. Even if no one had yet, I was planning on calling the cops on myself to prove I wanted to be arrested. This would be analogous to Jesus wanting to get arrested so he could be crucified. I didn’t know exactly how long it would take to get all the footage I wanted to get as “Jesus on the run,” so I wanted to make sure I was as untraceable as possible. Later, after I was out of the psych ward I learned that the cops had a search warrant which allowed them to track my phone. Going off grid wasn’t being paranoid, it was necessary.
The first course of action was to get rid of my car. My car at the time was the most disheveled 2012 Honda Accord you could imagine. The right mirror had been torn off by a semi truck, and the left mirror was taped on with duct tape. There were multiple major dents on both sides of the car and something was hanging loose from the bottom of the car to where every time I hit a bump there was a cringe-inducing screeching noise. The car wasn’t even titled in California due to a mistake in the application process which I didn’t find out until I tried to sell the car. At best, I could have gotten a couple grand for the car parts. But since I wanted to parallel the good deeds of Jesus, why not just give it away?
I drove to an exotic car dealership near Culver city and rented a brand new Range Rover for a couple days. Ideally I would return it before I was arrested. If not, I guess he’d have to come get it wherever it was. I might lose my security deposit, but that was no big deal. I was willing to invest a year’s salary in this project if that’s what it took. After I picked up the range rover headed to a mechanic across the road to see if I could borrow a screwdriver. I was planning on taking off the plates and leaving the car on the side of the road with the keys in the ignition and a “free car” sign in the window for whatever lucky pedestrian spotted it first. I didn’t want the car to be traced back to me in any way since I had no idea how legal this was, so taking the plates off was the first order of business. Surprisingly, when I told the mechanic my plan, he was intrigued. He wanted to check out the car for himself. Perfect. The entire time I acted like I was going to charge him for the car. Since it’s not legally drivable, I set my price at $1,000. When he looked over the car, he agreed that was a fair price. They mechanic was a great guy. He had a magnetic positive vibe. I was happy to give the car to him. As we walked back to the mechanics shop, I made sure my camera was on and said, “You now what man, I like you’re energy. You get the car for free.” He was stunned. He looked at me like I was crazy. I could tell he was thinking, “How could this nutbag pass up $1,000 just like that?” After a couple more confirmations that yes, I was indeed giving him the car, he sincerely thanked me and I was on my way. I had work to do, and I had less time than I thought. I looked at my phone and it was 11:00 a.m. Exactly 2 hours had passed. The video had just been posted.
On my way back to the range rover I hit a stroke of luck. About 20 feet ahead of me on the sidewalk an old homeless man was screaming something about him being in pain because of a cramp and something else about the coronavirus. This was the perfect opportunity. I whip out my camera and approach the old man. “Hey it’s ok man, it’s ok. It’s just stress. Relax. You’re fine. You’re just sitting here enjoying the world.” I helped him sit down on his stool. “You ok?” I asked. “Yeah, now I’m ok,” he replied. Wow. That worked out well. It wasn’t quite as magnificent, but it was the best modern day analogy to Jesus healing the sick I could have hoped for. That was a bonus I was not expecting.  
I hopped in my brand new range rover and decided it was time to call the police myself. I needed to make sure they were after me, and I thought I had a big enough head start. I conjured up my acting aura from within, dialed 911, and started speaking in some foreign accent that sounded like a combination of middle eastern and asian. “I watch YouTube video. Connor Murphy say he kill himself! He seem sad! I watch YouTube video. He give his address!” Apparently multiple people had already called. Let the games begin.Looking back on it they could have figured out it was me calling. I called from my own cell phone. But at the time, this wasn’t important. The important thing was that the cops were searching for me and I had proved I wanted to be arrested. It was time to take myself further off the grid. I loved the feeling. The feeling of being chased. The feeling of being on the run. It was like I was in a real life action movie.    
I drove west toward the coast. Next destination: Venice beach. I needed a disguise. I also had a favor to ask the ocean. Finding the disguise was easy. The Venice beach boardwalk is lined with small clothing and accessory shops. I found the perfect T-shirt. A black T-shirt with an image of the Buddha and the text, “Let that shit go.” That couldn’t have fit the true teachings of Jesus any better. I also snagged a hat and some sunglasses, tipped $100 as another good deed, told her to check out “Connor Murphy” on YouTube, and headed to the beach for my last step to fall off the grid: ditching my phone.
Most people are viciously addicted to their cell phone but don’t even realize it. It’s the cause of their numb dopamine receptors and chronic release of cortisol that’s aging them and making the real world appear boring. As I threw my phone into the ocean the couple walking by was astounded. “Was that your cell phone?” The guy asked. “Absolutely. I’m free! No cell phone!” I yelled ecstatically. Even though I wasn’t as addicted to my cellphone as most, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. No more text messages I have to worry about. No more checking my email. No more worrying about how many YouTube views on my recent video. The show kept on getting better and better.  
I spent the next several hours walking and driving through Venice, simply enjoying the day. The colors seemed vibrant, and nature seemed almost divine. I drove by the Venice canals and Marina Del Rey. Why had I not remembered Los Angeles being this gorgeous? The simple answer was I simply hadn’t been paying attention to the right things. My mind was clouded with thought. My ego had been blocking the beauty of the physical world. I headed back to Venice beach to hang out when someone familiar approached me. It was one of the employees from the shop where I had bought the T-shirt. “Hey my girlfriend has been talking to your friend.” Wait what? Did I just get caught up in some relationship drama? “Brett,” he said. “He’s worried about you.” Oh! Now it made sense. Apparently when I told the other employee to look me up on youtube she saw the “Goodbye” video and reached out to Brett. Brett was in a fairly current picture of mine so that was plausible. Wait. No way. This was too perfect. Brett was totally with the cops. Brett and the cops must be working together to find me. Brett is my best friend. If he leads the cops to me… Wow! That would be too perfect for my storyline. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking. Maybe Brett didn’t call the cops and just wants to make sure I’m safe by himself. If a friend turned me into the cops, that would be the ultimate addition to this story. It would match the most famous betrayal of all time: Judas turning Jesus into the authorities. Well, whether the cops are with him or not, might as well go chill at the shop and wait for Brett.
Connected to the left of the shop was a nice little sitting area - a perfect spot to get arrested. Now at this point I still wasn’t sure if the cops were going to come with Brett, but I was sure hoping so. I had gotten all the content I needed. I had done good deeds, spoke some teachings to the camera, and even performed a “miracle.” I had achieved everything I wanted much earlier than I thought I would. I was ready to move onto the next phase of the plan. About an hour later, Brett showed up. And to my delight, two cops showed up with him. This is too perfect, I thought. As the cops began to put me in handcuffs I whispered to Brett to take my wallet out of my pocket. Inside was an SD card with all the footage. It was too valuable to risk being taken from me. Somehow, the cops didn’t even notice. They threw me in their cop car, and took me over to the nearest station to be questioned. I might as well chill out till I get there, I thought. No reason to expend my energy and act too crazy yet. The cops seemed mildly confused. I was acting like a perfectly normal person. I seemed in no way suicidal. I told them my “Goodbye” video was simply a YouTube stunt. A dramatic acting reel to attract producers and help me break into the acting industry. I did say I was acting didn’t I? In fact, I seemed so normal during the ride over to the station that the two cops assured me I just had to answer a few questions and I’d be on my way. Little did they know, I had other plans.
We arrived at the station and after waiting for about an hour I was finally taken into the interrogation room. It seemed more like a jail cell to me. There was simply a bench and one window. The feeling was quite eerie but new and exciting at the same time. At this time the cops had talked to one another and the consensus was that I wasn’t crazy and should be released. I was simply acting for a YouTube video. So one cop along with a female interrogator stepped into the room, believing they’d ask me a few routine questions, and then I’d be on my way. “So Connor how are you feeling?” asked the female interrogator. “Wonderful,” I responded. “Never felt better.” “Any thoughts about hurting yourself recently?” she asked. “No of course not. Why would I want to do that?” I quickly replied. “Well,” she said, “We were just concerned about the video you posted earlier today. You said that it was just acting?” I could barely contain my excitement. In a situation like this, you’d think I’d be nervous, but I was about to have the most fun I’ve had since I was a kid. I could barely contain my laughter. “Yes,” I politely replied. “Of course it was just acting.” I paused for a moment then continued, “Or was it?” Both of them did a double take and turned their heads like a dog does when it hears a squeaky toy. With crazy eyes and sharp, sarcastic tone, I said, “How do you know I’m not acting right now? How do you know when anyone is acting? How can you really know if someone is suicidal? How can you tell if someone is being normal? What is normal? What if acting is the reality, not the falsehood? Everyone is just acting! No one is theirselves! The self doesn’t exist! I can be happy!” I said with a joyful smile. Then my face dropped into a deep frown. “I can be sad too.” I perked back up and became excited, “I can be literally whatever I want to be! I can be Connor Murphy the spiritual teacher, or I can be Connor Murphy the douchebag who always takes off his shirt in front of girls!” I immediately jumped on the bench, ripped off my shirt, and started flailing it around above my head, helicopter style. The interrogator and cop were stunned. They kept their cool though. “Ok Mr. Murphy, that’s all we need to see. Try to calm down please” said the interrogator. “I can’t!” I answered, “I feel incredible! I’m on top of the world!” That was all it took. They both left the room and started discussing what had just happened with the other cops there. It had worked. It was too easy. I could actually be whoever I wanted to be. I just pulled off acting like a crazy person. Hell, maybe I was crazy. I was sure crazy compared to the normal American since I was truly happy. But at least I was in perfect control of my craziness. Just as expected, a few minutes later I was put back in handcuffs and taken to Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center for further evaluation. This was going to be fun.  
I strolled through the automatic doors of the hospital confidently and nonchalantly with two officers guiding me on either side. With each hospital employee I passed on the way I gave a quick smile and a, “Hey how’s it going?” My mood was fantastic, very rare for someone being taken to the hospital “against his will.” First I was taken to a small room on the first floor to get my vitals checked. Then I was taken to a temporary holding room upstairs until a room in the ER opened up. At this time, COVID was still wreaking it’s havoc, so the hospital was flooded with patients. Finally, after a couple hours, I was taken to the ER, put on an uncomfortable hospital stretcher, and examined by the doctors. The first psychologist walked in. Yes, there would be more than one. I wasn’t going to make it easy on them. She was a pleasant looking young lady in her 30s. Although, I couldn’t tell exactly what she looked like. Every employee was wearing masks because of the virus. She asked me a few routine questions, and I gave her a few routine answers. I knew eventually I had to make things interesting, though. I wanted to be in here for 3 days, so I needed to act a little more crazy.
 “So,” asked the doctor, “have you thought about harming yourself recently?” What a great question, I thought. By answering this question I could simultaneously appear crazy and plant a spiritual seed in her mind that hopefully sprouts sometime in her lifetime. I doubted that would happen though. Doctors are some of the most difficult people to get on the spiritual path.
 “What do you mean?” I began, “The self is an illusion. There’s no self to hurt. The self simply doesn’t exist. It’s just a psychological construct in the mind. You’re a psychologist so you understand that, right?” She looked puzzled.
“So you’re saying you don’t believe you exist?” She asked.
“Of course I exist. That’s the only thing I can truly know is that I exist. My self, on the other hand, does not exist.” I retorted. To her, it’s like I was speaking another language. The language of crazy.
“Ok, ok,” she continued calmly. “Why don’t you think yourself exists?”
“Why do you think your self does exist?” I responded. “All your thoughts, emotions, and ideologies are simply transitory sensations that appear and go away like the wind. Your body changes everyday. There’s not a cell in your body that you had 10 years ago. Everything about your concept of yourself is impermanent. How can it be real?” She contemplated this for a minute then said,
“Well, I guess that’s just who I am. A constantly changing human.”
“Really?” I questioned, “That’s interesting because who I am hasn’t changed in the slightest since the beginning of the universe. I am permanent. I am eternal. That must be exhausting for you to keep changing all the time. Are you like a shapeshifter?” Her calm vibe switched over to slight irritation. After a few more minutes of this type of discussion, she gave up and said another doctor would come see me shortly.  
Shortly was the wrong word to use. I sat there at least for another hour chit chatting with the nurses. They were just as amused as the last doctor. Finally, the next doctor, who I assumed was a higher up doctor, came into the room. Or should I say rolled in the room? This doctor didn’t even come see me in the flesh. He was on a zoom call. I was about to talk to a mobile computer apparatus. It made me feel like I was in some scene of Star Wars. “What’s up R2D2?” I asked with a smirk.
“Not much, Connor. So, I heard some people have been worried about you?” he asked. Might as well turn it up a notch, I thought.
“Yeah I’m not sure why. Worry is such an unnecessary emotion. If you want, I can help you realize that you’re God and all your attachment to negative thought will disappear including the negative emotional feeling of worry. Realizing the truth that you’re actually God is the most freeing feeling you can possibly have.” I explained. Although this statement was completely true, in this context, it was the perfect way to make me look mentally insane.
“So you think you’re God?” He asked with concern.
I elaborated, “No, silly, I don’t think that I’m God. I’ve actually experienced that I’m God. I know that I’m God through direct experience. You can realize you’re God too.”  
“Why do you think you’re God?” He continued to question.
“Again, I don’t think I’m God. I know. I’m experiencing being God at this moment. If you got rid of your ego you could realize this incredible truth as well.” This conversation went on for much longer, although I doubt it needed to. This doctor knew they were going to hold me after the first  5 minutes of talking to me. The rest of the conversation seemed like a formality. He asked me about the “Goodbye” video I made. He wondered if I thought I was a danger to myself. In his mind, he already knew I was.
“How do you actually know I’m in danger of hurting my physical body? Hypothetically speaking, if I said I was going to cut off my own arm right now would you believe me? Nope. You wouldn’t. Don’t trust everything you hear, doc. Also, just curious, if I wanted to be put in a medically induced coma, could you do that? I want my time in this loony bin to go by as quickly as possible.” Everyone in the room just rolled their eyes. There was no more information to gain. I obviously needed to stay here. The doctor said I would need to be held overnight just to be safe, then rolled out of the room. That was easy.
The rest of the night consisted of nurses trying to get me to take antipsychotic medication. Yeah right. There was not a chance I’d be taking any of that. I absolutely loved where my mind was at. I didn’t want anything messing with it. In fact, I became so against western medicine for any other use than emergency, I wouldn’t have even taken an Advil for my sore back induced by my uncomfortable medical stretcher I was laying on. Wait a minute. Could they ever force me to take medication? I hadn’t even considered that but it immediately became my biggest fear. What if antipsychotics made me lose what I had gained in this awakening process? What if I went back to being normal? That is, after all, why antipsychotics seem to do. They normalize a person’s brain. There was nothing worse I could imagine than going back to normal. Normal was the cause of my suffering. In modern society, normal is the antithesis of happiness. I inquired about this to one of the nurses. They informed me that if I was held here long term, it was possible. The doctors have the ability to hold you until they believe you’re well and can function in the normal world. They start out holding you overnight, then if necessary they hold you for 72 hours. After that they can increase the holding time to 14 days if they deem it’s necessary. It’s during this 14 day hold they’re allowed to file for what’s known as a Riese Petition which could allow them to give you medication against your will. Before the Riese petition can go through, though, there’s a hearing where you get to defend your case. Phew, I thought. My mind was relieved. I would only be here for 72 hours. After that I’d start acting normal and they’d let me go. I was surprised at my momentary anxiety, though. The fear of being forced medication was the first negative emotional response induced by a negative thought that I had had since my awakening. It made sense, though. There was only one thing that could bring me down. There was only one thing that could take away the invincibility of my mind. And that was reprogramming the mind itself. I didn’t know exactly what antipsychotics would do, but they were the only thing I could think of with a chance to reprogram my mind back to normality. Antipsychotics became my one and only fear in the entire world. I reaffirmed that this would happen to me. I’m a great actor. I can act however I like. I can get out of here at any time. I will easily get out of here before they can force me to take medication. With that self affirmation, I laid down on my stretcher and fell asleep.
After I woke up in the morning, I eagerly waited for the doctor to come decide my fate. As I discovered from talking to the nurses, in two hours a doctor would stop by and either release me, or have me held for 72 hours. I attempted to syphon out as much information as I could from the nurses. Apparently, there was no need. The doctor will have already made up his mind before he comes and talks to me. After two of the longest feeling hours of my life, the doctor stepped through the door. My heart was racing. Hopefully I’d succeeded in acting crazy enough to be held for 3 more days. He asked me how I was feeling as if it had some effect on his decision. I decided to give him one last glimpse of craziness just in case. Excitedly I responded, “Incredible, doc! I’ve never felt better. I actually found last night super enjoyable. I mean seriously it was like I was in a movie!”
“Good, good,” replied the doctor. “So, unfortunately we’ve decided to hold you here for 72 hours just to make extra sure you’re ok. You’ll be moved to a room upstairs shortly.”
I felt like fiercely fist pumping like Tiger Woods after winning a major golf tournament, but I made sure to keep my cool.
“Aw really? How come?” I asked.
“Well,” responded the doctor, “You still seem to be in a mild state of mania. Your speech is still pressed and your thoughts seem to be happening too quickly.”
“Ah, I understand,” I reply.
As the doctor left the room I excitedly waited to be taken upstairs. As I had heard from the nurses, upstairs was quite the upgrade.
Three nurses wheelchaired me across the hospital and up the elevator. I’m not sure why it took 3 of them. Maybe they were worried I would try to escape. When I saw my new room though, I had no reason to want to. It was like a hotel room. It had a comfy adjustable bed, a nice desk, and a TV. This was going to be a relaxing 3 days. It felt like I was on vacation. A new nurse who worked on that floor came and introduced herself. She would be my main nurse for the day. She was a nice, soft spoken lady in her mid 60s with reddish blonde hair. After a brief introduction, she showed me around the floor. The floor was essentially made up of one hallway of patient rooms and one common area with snacks and games. I felt like I was at some sort of medically themed summer camp. After my quick orientation, I was free to hang out and do my own thing until dinner.
I decided I might as well make some friends. There must be some interesting people on this floor. Interesting was an understatement. Throughout my time in the psych ward I met some incredibly fascinating people. One guy spent his time watching movies and writing playscripts for those movies. He was an aftrican american man in his mid 30s and seemed extremely intelligent. In fact, I couldn’t figure out why he was in a psych ward. He ended up telling me he admitted himself into the psych ward after accidentally killing someone in a car accident. Later I found out he was on antipsychotic medication, though, so whether or not that’s true is still up for debate. There was also a young, dark featured hispanic guy with a drooling and marker sniffing problem. One day I watched this guy take a giant sniff of a green expo marker and stare into space in awe, as if he were having a vision. I asked him what he was seeing. He remained frozen for a moment then turned to me and said in a robotic tone, “Wifi.” I asked him how it felt. “Like ecstasy,” he replied. Most people would immediately dismiss a psych ward patient’s claim to see wifi waves. While I believe it’s unlikely, I don’t completely rule out the possibility. We know infrared and ultraviolet waves exist, we just can’t see them because our brain limits us to the visible spectrum. Could it be possible that this guy was damaging part of his brain that was the limiting factor behind vision outside of the visible spectrum? Maybe.
Another guy I met had a mind almost as interesting as his hair. He’d been in the psych ward for over a year and I doubt he’d had a haircut his entire visit. His thick, dark hair would have been close to shoulder length if it weren’t sticking straight up. He was about 5’10’’ tall but only 5’6’’ after his last haircut. Besides his hair, this guy seemed completely normal. He was extremely nice and polite and seemed to be good friends with many of the nurses there. Although, this might have been because he’s had over a year to build some good rapport. Again I struggled to see why he needed to be in a psych ward until I asked him about it. He was technically schizophrenic, but he literally only had one schizophrenic thought. Every so often he would have this uncontrollable thought to fall backwards, and he wasn’t able to control himself from listening to that thought. The nurses had to constantly watch over him to make sure he didn’t fall backwards and hurt himself. I found it mind boggling how a single thought could be so debilitating.  
The last guy who really caught my interest was this 250lb african american who simply could not stop talking to himself. As much as most people found this annoying, I found it intriguing. Literally anytime I saw this guy he was having a conversation with himself. This is no exaggeration. There was not a single time I saw him where he was quiet. What fascinated me was where these thoughts and ideas were coming from. He never seemed to repeat the same conversation. The conversation was always different. Growing up I was introverted, shy, and had a difficult time carrying on a conversation with anyone. This guy was the antithesis of my former self. While obviously not ideal for functioning in society, I had a great admiration for the freeness and unfiltered quality of this guy's conversational mind.
The first couple days in the ward were honestly enjoyable. It was like a vacation. Most of the day was spent relaxing, meditating, and watching TV, and food was brought right to me. Fairly decent food, too. The rest of the day was filled with group events designed to get people used to interacting in normal society. The entire floor would gather in the common area and do anything from talk about our feelings to painting. Throughout the day my nurse would ask me if I wanted my prescribed medication, but of course I refused. She’d always raise her eyebrows and sigh as if she knew something I didn’t. After a day of refusing medication, she sat me down and explained to me something that began to put a damper on my vacation.
“Connor, you’re not going to get out of here without taking your medication.”
“What do you mean?” I replied. “My 72 hours is up tomorrow. I’m totally fine and I’ll be sure to show the doctor I”m back to normal.”
She gave me another too familiar sigh.
“People just don’t get out of here without taking medication. If you don’t take it, they're going to hold you here until you do.”
I made sure to act as normal as I could and said, “But I'm perfectly fine. I’m back to normal. Won’t the doctor see that?”
“I understand,” she replied. “But that’s not how things work around here. It’s their job to treat you, and that’s what they’re going to do.”
I began to realize I’d be here longer than 72 hours. Not to worry though, I thought. Although I’d be missing the mark on the whole “rising on the 3rd day” thing, the longer I was in here the more suspense would build on the internet about me.
“I guess I’ll have to wait until I win the Riese Petition hearing then, huh?” I said half rhetorically.
The nurse shook her head. “I don’t think you understand. It’s extremely rare to win the hearing. In the hearing it’s you against your doctor. They almost always side with the doctor. I can’t remember the last time a patient won in a hearing.”
Not good. My blissful vacation turned into what I felt like was becoming a psychological horror movie. Could the system really be that rigged that they could force me to take medication even when I’m completely ok? I wouldn’t let myself fully believe it though. After all, most hearings I’m sure involved patients that really did need medication. I felt totally in my right mind. Surely the judge would be able to see that, right? I didn’t care if the odds were slim, I was determined to win the hearing. It was more to me than possibly losing the incredible mental state I was in by taking anti-psychotic medication. I felt like I was fighting for a basic human right. Giving up and taking the medication would feel like pleading guilty to a crime I didn’t commit. I tried to be optimistic. Maybe the nurse was wrong. Tomorrow is the end of the 72 hours. Maybe in the morning if I act normal enough, the doctor will let me go.
That thinking was severely optimistic to say the least. As I conversed with the doctor in the morning, it was clear his mind was already made up. He decided to hold me for 14 days. His reasoning? I was still manic. I still had too elevated of a mood and pressed speech. I began to realize how corrupt this protocol was. It didn’t matter how I was acting at all. My behavior wasn’t taken into account in the slightest. The only thing that mattered was if I’d taken my medication or not. I attempted to reason with the doctor. I tried to show him that I can behave in a perfectly normal way. I showed him how calm I could be and how slow I could speak. I talked to him in the most calm tone possible, even erring on the side of sounding slightly depressed. Anything to make him realize I wasn’t manic.
“Look… doctor… I… feel… completely… back… to… normal… I… promise… I... would… really appreciate.. it… if… you… could… release… me… today…” I quietly pleaded.
It didn’t matter. His mind had already been made up. Wow. What a rigged game. I began to realize I overestimated my ability to manipulate the psychiatric system. My skill was acting. I was able to act crazy, and I was able to act normal. The problem was, once you’re in the ward, how you act has absolutely no significance until you take medication. Only after you start your medication do they start taking your behavior into account. Now that they had me there for 14 days, they were legally able to file a Riese petition. My hearing was in 5 days.
The doctor gave me a piece of paper as an official notice of my 14 day hold. As I ready the notice I was shocked. At the bottom of the notice the doctor was required to give his reasoning for holding me for 14 days. I was absolutely astounded by what he said. Here is the full text straight from the notice of why the doctor still considered me a danger to myself:
Patient demonstrates a marked alteration in his mental state compared with previous months, specifically with at least 1 week of grandiose and delusional thought content that he is god, enlightened, with a special understanding of finding peace in the world, committed to sharing this message with his followers, and ending his life in order to prove he is God or God-like. This led to him writing a suicide note, and a youtube video stating that he had disappointed his family and communicating intent to die, vaguely referencing a short amount of pain in the bath tub to accomplish this. In the hospital, denied active SI but continues with thought content about needing to die to prove he is God and needing redirection an emergency medication for nonsensical and disorganized thinking and erratic behavior like trying to scale an exterior wall and being pulled to safety by staff. Further, he has not identified meaningful steps to be successful in translating a safety plan outside of the hospital besieged, “return to Austin Texas’ and has a lease expiring. 
What.The. Fuck. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt angry before this moment. The entire paragraph was either a blatant lie or completely taken out of context. Yes, of course I believe I am God. I believe everyone is God, or the collective consciousness of the universe. That’s simply panpsychism. Although I know it’s the truth, any intellectual should at least be able to recognize it as a philosophical ideology. But nope. Not here. Here thinking outside the status quo is considered delusional. The thing that really frustrated me was how he said I needed to end my life in order to prove I’m God or God-like. This was either a blatant lie or complete speculation. I never once gave ANY reason for wanting to end my life after the goodbye video, and the goodbye video certainly didn’t say I was doing it to prove I was God. How does that even make sense? How could killing myself possibly show that I’m God? The statement was simply false. There’s no other way to put it. Another frustrating part was the gross exaggeration of when I tried to “scale an exterior wall.” I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Let me tell you what actually happened. Everyday we get to go outside on the deck. Part of the deck is surrounded by the building and part of it is surrounded by a 20 foot glass wall. I jokingly asked one of the nurses on duty, “Hey you thinking I could climb this wall and escape?” It was so obviously a joke. I said it with a smirk. I chuckled afterwards. The nurse simply said “No, don’t do that.” There was absolutely no “being pulled to safety by staff.” There wouldn’t even be a reason to pull anyone to safety. It’s a 20 foot glass wall. You literally can’t climb it at all. You wouldn’t be able to get further off the ground than how high you could jump. And finally the last frustrating part was how I hadn’t translated a safety plan outside the hospital. This was just straight up a blatant lie. There’s no other way to put it. I had explicitly told the doctor my discharge plan. The part about my lease expiring implied I didn’t have anywhere to go and my “lack of plans” for after the hospital was evidence of my suicidal intent. The issue with this though, is that my near future was well planned out. Not just in my mind, but there was all kinds of documentation. I explicitly told them I had a leasing contract at my new place in Austin. Not only that, but I had just recently bought a new car in Austin and had a flight booked. I went over this with the doctor multiple times. Either he has severe memory loss and should be admitted to his own psych ward, or blatantly lied. I believe the latter is more probable.
I began to feel a little more confident about the hearing. Surely I would be able to refute the claims the doctor made in the notice. I even have documented proof some of his claims were wrong. The next several days I went into lawyer mode. I gathered all the evidence to support me I could find and constantly ran potential hearing debates in my head. The more I thought about it, the more confident I got. When it comes to everything the doctor wrote about me in the notice, there was not a chance he would win in an argument against me. My competitive nature was coming out and it actually got me excited for the hearing in 5 days.
The night before the hearing I was so nervous I couldn’t fall asleep. Every night patients’ sleep is monitored, so I had to close my eyes and pretend to be asleep by 11pm or else risk my lack of sleep being held against me in the hearing. I layed there for the next 4 hours perfecting my arguments in my head. That morning one of the nurses came and got me and took me into a conference room. Sitting there was my doctor and a computer. The two of us were about to have a zoom call with the judge. The doctor and I awkwardly waited for the zoom call to begin. He seemed just as nervous as me. Although he’s probably never lost a hearing in his life, he knew I came prepared, and he knew my argument was going to be much more logical and effective than most patients he deals with. Although he would never admit it, this was a competition and both of us would do anything to win. At the time I had no idea how far he would go, though. I sunk into the present moment and got into a relaxed state of mind. I needed to seem as not manic as possible. If anything, I was going to err on the side of appearing slightly depressed. After a few minutes a middle aged blonde lady popped up on the screen. She seemed nice enough. I desperately hoped she was just as open minded. The protocol for the hearing was simple: the doctor explains why I should be forced to take medication, and then I get a chance to respond. I assumed the doctor would essentially just read what he wrote on my 14 day hold notice. I was wrong. He came with extra ammunition.
I knew the main topic of debate was going to be the goodbye video. My plan was to say it was just an acting reel. I even said I was acting in the video. This was probably my best piece of evidence. She didn’t have to take my word for it. The video was all over the internet. She could look it up to verify I said I was acting. The doctor easily predicted this, so he made sure this wouldn’t happen. As expected, most of his statement was straight off the 14 day hold notice. But while talking about the goodbye video, he added an unexpected addendum.
“Connor claims he said he was just acting in the goodbye video, but personally watched the video online and nowhere in the video did he say he was acting ” he told the judge.
My jaw dropped. It was a blatant lie. There was no way around it. I said I was acting at the beginning of the video. It was the first thing I said. There was no way to miss it. Either the doctor didn’t look up the video at all, or he lied about me saying I was acting. Either way it was glaringly dishonest. I had an intense urge to interrupt as soon as those fraudulent words left his mouth. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to speak up and call him a liar. I had to remain calm though. The calmer I was, the higher chance I had at appearing psychologically stable, so I bit my tongue. After all, I’d get my chance to speak. In just a few minutes I’d be able to have the judge look up the video and see I did indeed say I was acting. The doctor would be completely discredited. My frustration with his lie turned into excitement. He just made it easy on me. How could the judge trust anything the doctor said after I prove he lied? After a few more minutes of restlessness, it was my turn to talk. As calmly as I could, I explained the truth to the judge.
“So the first thing I want to say, is that I was acting in the video. I explicitly said I was acting at the start of the video. We can look it up. It will take 30 seconds.”
“That won’t be necessary,” replied the judge. “Continue please.”  
That won’t be necessary? Are you kidding me? I was so confused. My thoughts were racing. How is it not necessary? It’s the most necessary thing to do in this debate. In 30 seconds you could settle the most important conflicting part of our stories. How on earth could that not matter? Did she assume I’m lying and take the doctor’s word for it? Even if that were the case what could it hurt to take 30 seconds to find out for sure? Or was her decision already made up? Maybe it doesn’t matter no matter what I say. After all, apparently I’m having a psychotic episode according to the doctor. Why would she believe anything I say? But if that were true, why were we even having this hearing?
I continued with all my other points. I explained how “trying to escape” was a joke taken out of context and how I have a detailed and documented plan for after my release. She halfheartedly pretended to be listening. Most of the time she didn’t even look at me. Her eyes were on a piece of paper she was writing on which probably had nothing to do with what I was telling her. I could have debated all day, but soon I hopelessly realized there was no debate. There was never a debate. There was literally nothing I could say that would get me out of taking the medication. I was treated as inferior to the doctor. Everything he said held weight and held value while everything I said was completely disregarded. It was completely rigged. A formality. That’s all the hearing seemed to be. It was protocol. The hearing adds a false sense of fairness to the system. There’s nothing fair about it though. It doesn’t have to be fair legally. The whole hearing process takes place within the jurisdiction of the hospital. The judge didn’t even make an attempt to be fair. After pretending to listen to what I had to say, the judge ordered me to take olanzapine, an antipsychotic, every night. If I refused, the nurses were allowed to hold me down and inject me with it.
I felt trapped. I felt like I had no control over myself anymore. It was like they owned me now. In fact, they had owned me for a week, I just hadn’t realized it. I couldn't get over how corrupt the system was. Apparently I could appeal the decision to the actual court, but I felt so defeated I didn’t have it in me to try. It would take up to another week for the appeal hearing to take place, and I was worried the outcome would be the same. Even though the appeal hearing takes place in front of an actual judge and could possibly be more fair, I was terrified what else the doctor had up his sleeve. For all I know he’d bring the best medical lawyers in the world to the appeal hearing. Also, if I decided to appeal, I’d most likely be delaying me getting out of there by a week. If I just took the medication, I could be out of there by the time the appeal hearing would have started. And if I lose the appeal hearing, I would have to take the medication anyway plus I would have wasted an entire extra week. The decision was painful. Taking the medication wouldn’t just risk the potency of my inner peace, but it would also come with the feeling of completely submitting to a corrupt system. I would feel like a slave. I realized this was my ego creeping back, though. If feeling like a slave gets me to freedom quicker, so be it. The greater issue was the uncertainty of how the medication would affect my mind. The doctor estimated I’d be on the medication for about a week before being released if everything goes well. Being there for the entire next 14 days wasn’t necessarily a must. But then again how could I trust a word he says?
I asked the nurses what I should do. They all believed if I took the medication and behaved well, I’d be out within a week like the doctor said. They also tried to ease my mind about the possible effects of the medication. They thought I was being overly paranoid and that it wouldn’t affect my mind as much as I was worried it would. They had never had a spiritual awakening though. It was the word “antipsychotic” that worried me. Relative to the way the average person perceives the world, living in a state of non-duality could be considered psychotic. The average person in America is an unconscious robotic zombie, and I was terrified the medication was designed to make me think like an average person. Maybe I was being overly paranoid though, I thought. After all, when I stop taking the medication after I get out I’ll get back to this more enlightened state of mind right? Or will I? I don’t know. I’ve never had a spiritual awakening before. I have no idea how this works. Maybe it would just be like a setback, I thought. I would lose some sense of my spirituality but then be able to gain it right back, like taking a month off from the gym. I began to try rationalizing taking the medication in my head because at this point, I just wanted to get out of this prison as soon as possible.
Just like every night, that night one of the nurses came to my room and said it was time for my medication. This night was different though. I took the olanzapine pill and swallowed it. The nurse made me open my mouth and move around my tongue to make sure I didn’t fake taking it. As I knew she would, she very thoroughly inspected my mouth. Trust me, if I thought I could fake taking my medication, I would have faked it. But there’s no way around it. They know every trick in the book. The olanzapine was now in my system and would soon make it into my bloodstream. I nervously laid down in bed and waited to see what happened. Before I could notice anything, I drifted off to sleep.          
I woke up at 9am the next morning, two hours later than usual. I immediately sat up and examined how I felt. I was sluggish that was for sure. That one little pill had put me out for a little over 10 hours straight. All my knowledge that I was worried about retaining was still there though. I still felt happy, but my energy was lower. The feeling was oddly familiar both physically and mentally. It was the feeling I would get after a giant cheat meal. The feeling of a carb coma. Brain fog and lethargy. Overall I was content with how I was feeling given the circumstances. I tried not to get too optimistic, though. It had only been 10 hours since I started taking the medication. It most likely takes at least a few days to start seeing the full effects. But I had a good feeling it wouldn’t affect me as much as I had worried. If the medication puts me into a severe carb coma state, that’s cool with me. I’ve never lost any spiritual insight from being in a carb coma.
Just to be safe I decided to start writing some YouTube video scripts in case my brain got more foggy from the medication. While I was confident I wouldn’t lose the knowledge I wanted to retain, I wasn’t positive I’d be able to explain it as well in the future. I grabbed a composition notebook and a few colored pencils from one of the nurses and sat down at my desk to write. There were a few different scripts I had to write, the most important one being the script for the video where I reveal the entire plan. I decided I needed a few supplementary videos to go along with that video as well, though. For the final reveal video to really make an impact, there was a lot of information people needed to understand, and it wouldn’t be effective to try and cram everything into one video. I decided to dedicate an entire video to explaining the idea of Jesus being a spiritual teacher and faking his death. That way I didn’t need to go in detail in the reveal video. I also decided to make a video about the fear of death and how it impacts the world. I also wrote a script for a video about the connections between spiritual, physical, and mental health. These three videos were designed to plant seeds in the heads of the viewers and prepare them for the final reveal video. It would increase the likelihood of the final video making complete sense and really shatter some paradigms.
Over the next few days I closely monitored how I felt. Overall, I was pleased to find I didn’t revert back to a zombie-like unconscious human like I had feared. The effects of the medication were far from positive, though. Each day I felt my brain become foggier and foggier and my energy continued to decrease. While all my thoughts were still there, it took longer for me to retrieve them when I wanted to. If you think of the brain as a computer, it was like all my saved documents and data were still there but my processor was downgraded from an intel core i9 to an intel core i3. I noticed during conversation and writing my thoughts didn’t smoothly flow into words like they used to. There was a delay between my thoughts and words that wasn’t there previously. I had to spend more time in my head than beforehand. I definitely should have started writing these video scripts sooner, I thought. While the content would have most likely been close to the same, I’d have been able to finish them twice as fast.
Every morning the doctor would make his rounds and check in on me. Since I was taking my medication, he might actually pay attention to my behavior, I thought. I started brainstorming the optimal behavior patterns to be released the quickest. There was a bipolar girl in the group who was scheduled to be released. She’d been in the psych ward for a week or two because of a manic episode. I decided it would make sense to examine her behavior and possibly replicate aspects of it since however she was behaving was good enough for her to be released. One thing I noticed when I talked to her is she always complained about being bored and really wanting to get out into the real world again. That was something I couldn’t really relate with. While of course I wanted to get back to the real world, at that point I had never really felt bored. Much of the psych ward experience was extremely interesting. I would keep myself busy by writing video scripts or even just my thoughts and ideas. If I had nothing at all to do, I would simply meditate. Like I’ve talked about before, boredom is simply a lack of attention. It’s an unnatural phenomenon caused primarily by the overstimulation of today’s society. Ever since I really got into meditation, I’ve never really been bored. I became curious. Is boredom a good sign in the eyes of the doctor? After all boredom is “normal” right? I decided to test out my theory. The next morning when the doctor asked how I was doing, instead of replying with something like, “Great! Yesterday was interesting…” I said “To be honest I’m feeling pretty bored.” Even though he was wearing a COVID mask I could tell he started to smile.
“I’m glad you’re feeling bored. That’s showing progress,” he responded.
Wow. Are you kidding me? Although I expected this response it took all of my willpower to hide my frustration. We live in a world where it’s normal to be bored. If we’re not overstimulated by some unnatural technology and aren’t bored, it’s considered a mental disorder. How on earth is enjoying life with less stimulation considered a negative quality to have? It’s such a shame modern psychiatrics is concerned with getting you back to “normal” rather than thriving. If I was someone who got bored all the time and met someone who never got bored, I would want to learn from them, not “fix” them. This short interaction with the doctor reinforced in my mind how backwards the mental health care system is. The good news, though, was I was starting to understand how the doctors wanted me to act. I was closer to getting out of this place.  
 
 
   
   
 
       
 
   
         
   
     
           
                                                 
                                   
       
 
 
         
   
       
or Enlightened?
As you’ll soon find out, I am tied for the most open minded man in existence (and also tied for the most humble). You’ll realize who I share this title with later on in the book. Because of this title I’m going to make a bold statement that I know very well could be false, but until someone shows me otherwise, I entirely believe it to be true. Throughout this book you’ll begin to question your ideas of true and false. You’ll realize that truth is dynamic. Truth is relative. Truths are turned into falsehoods all the time to make way for newer, truer truths, and this is how human consciousness evolves. In fact, the biggest hindrance of the evolution of human consciousness is the inability for humans to give up their current truths, because it makes them question who they are. What they fail to realize is that deeply questioning who they are could lead to the most fulfilling, exciting, and mind-blowing journey they could have ever possibly imagined. So I urge you to question any and every truth, including this statement that is my current truth:
I am currently writing this book under the most unusual and unconventional circumstances and author has ever written a book. That’s a bold statement huh? Well please, show me the author who has me beat because I’d like to buy their book immediately. So what’s my current situation? Well let’s see…
I’m currently on day 5 of a 40 day fast. And I can promise this book will be completed by day 40 because most of it has already been written. I recently had what the doctors called a “manic episode” and I call a spiritual awakening where I wrote 22,000 words in less than 3 days. Imagine what I can do in 35. Ok, I admit. There might have been some mania involved, but I can promise you not an ounce of it was negative. This spiritual awakening had me thrown into the middle of the most complex, insane plan of my entire life. Because of the perfect execution of this plan, I spent 17 days in a psych ward. How did I get in there? Well because I faked my death in front of my 2.5 million youTube subscribers. Oh yeah, I’m a youtuber by the way. Why did I do this? Well, to tell the modern day story of Jesus and wake up the world. Confused yet? You should be. If you weren’t I wouldn’t have to write this book. I’ll get into the full story later, but I just want to let you know where I’m at right now. Not only am I on day 5 of a 40 day fast, but I’m livestreaming every second of the fast to the internet who, because of the insanity of this plan that unfolded, think I’m batshit crazy (minus a small percentage who are lucky enough to understand the plan). You can probably see the reason why the fast is exactly 40 days. Yes, of course it’s because of my blasphemous Jesus complex, but it actually goes much deeper than that which I will explain later in the book. So not only am a deprived of food, vitamins, and literally anything consumable except water for the next 35 days, but I’m also deprived of any privacy. This is totally fine with me. I’m also abstaining from any sex or masturbation for these 40 days. I have a camera on mm for 23 hours and 55 minutes every day. The only time I’m not on camera is when I go to the bathroom and during these 1 minute intervals 3 times per day where I have to restart the stream so I can save and archive the footage. I’m creating an archive of 40 days’ worth of footage so people can go back and watch to make sure not a single calorie went down my throat. It’s the only way to prove I actually did it. Now don’t worry, no one will accuse me of eating during those 5 minutes. I have also been periodically showing every nook and cranny in my entire apartment to the livestream so they know there’s no food I can sneakily eat for the few minutes I’m off stream.
But here’s the weirdest part: I’m in a seemingly awful situation. I have no food, no privacy, no sex, no masturbation, and the entire internet thinks I’m insane. I haven’t even mentioned the fact that my relationships with my friends and family are extremely rocky since I did just fake my death without telling anyone. But despite this situation, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. In fact, I reached the point where I simply cannot be unhappy every again. I’ve found it. The only thing anyone ever truly wants. Happiness. True unyielding happiness. The most powerful thing in our existence. Something so powerful that nothing in life matters to me right now except telling the world. Waking them up. Phase one was acting out the modern day story of Jesus to the public. Phase 2 was livestreaming a 40 day fast. Phase 3 is releasing this book. It’s all been part of the plan to get the world to the higher level of consciousness that it’s been seeking since its existence.
Now I can already see the eyes rolling. Sure Connor. Yeah you’re happy. For now. But as soon as this manic episode you’re in ends, you’ll slip back to reality. I don’t blame you for thinking that. That’s exactly what the doctors think as well. Doctors are pretty smart right? But you see, there’s an issue with listening to doctors when it comes to happiness, and it’s a pretty obvious one: they’re not happy. They’re simply not at a higher level of consciousness that the average person. Taking advice from someone who isn’t happy is like a kid learning to play basketball from a coach who’s never picked up a basketball in his life. The coach can read all the books on basketball he wants. He can watch all the basketball footage he can find, but he simply will never be someone an aspiring basketball player should listen to. This is a major issue in society today that’s keeping people from reaching a higher level state of consciousness. True happiness and true health are very connected, which I will talk more about later in this book. The more you increase your true physical, mental, and spiritual health, the more you will increase your true happiness. Unfortunately, doctors don’t know true health and happiness. Maybe there are a few enlightened doctors out there who knows, but for the most part, doctors simply don’t know what true happiness or true health is. Western medicine is a Band-Aid approach to health. Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s some great things about western medicine. It saves lives in emergency. But when it comes to the health of the average person, it simply gives them band aids. High blood pressure? Here’s some medication. Skin problem? Here’s some medication. Depressed? Here’s some more medication. What this does is mask a symptom or two. It doesn’t get to the root of the problem. Taking ibuprofen for back pain doesn’t fix your bad posture or your weak muscles. It simply reduces a symptom. With this approach to health, the person can never be truly healthy. They’re like a boat with holes in the hull. Instead of patching the hull properly, they’re putting duct tape over the holes, and the water is still slowly leaking through.  
Throughout reading this book, the key to actually getting something out of it is to be open minded. Open mindedness is a must. You’ll find that almost everything I say goes against societal constructs and advice from medical professionals. To help with this open mindedness let me remind you of the average person in society. The person who societal constructs and western medicine has created. The average person is depressed whether they know it or not. Depression has gotten so bad in the recent years it’s considered normal. The average person thinks feeling bad sometimes is normal. The average person is bored, and they consider it normal. The average person has insecurities, and they consider it normal. The average person feels many emotions they would consider negative, and they consider this normal. The average person’s mood is affected by the external world, and they consider this normal. Our life is full of suffering, but we just think it’s how life works. You think you’re not suffering, and you might now be relative to the average human, but compared to how you could be feeling, trust me you are. This is why I’m here. I’m here to agree with you that yes, these are all normal ways of thinking, but I’m here to help you wake the fuck up. You don’t have to have insecurities. You can have control of your emotions. You can truly have control of your own happiness. I know it seems farfetched, but know I’m not the first person to get here. There are millions across the planet who are awakened. There are millions across the planet who have figured out the truth and are free of suffering.
So stop looking at normality as the example. Look at people who are actually happy. Yes, I admit it. We are all crazy. 100%. But you need to sit down and seriously ask yourself this: who do you truly want to be? Someone who’s normal and suffering? Or someone who’s crazy and happy? If you ask yourself that question and look deep enough within, you’ll start to realize that the urge to be normal true insanity. You’ll start to realize that people like me aren’t the ones in psychosis, humanity is.
The incredible irony of the world is that literally everything we do in life is to try to get to a higher level of happiness. That’s all we truly want. Whatever that means to you. Everyone just wants to be happy. Yet, when we see someone that’s truly happy, we call him crazy, even though that’s exactly what we want. Why do we do this? Well, we want to think we’re doing things right. We don’t want to believe that there’s a whole other level of happiness that comes without any negative consequences. If we believe this, we have to admit we’re suffering, and that can cause pain. You have to realize though, that the first step to waking up is to realize you’re unconscious. The first step to happiness is realizing you’re unhappy.
Most people search their entire life for happiness and never get there because they never leave the false path. Throughout their entire lives they search for happiness externally. They think if they get a good job, they’ll be happy. Or if they meet the right romantic partner, they’ll be happy. Once they reach their goal, there’s a fleeting moment of enjoyment and then it’s back to where they were, so they try for the next goal. If I get a promotion, I’ll be happy. If I start a family, I’ll be happy. You can try this cycle until the day you die but, spoiler, it will never get you there. I was lucky enough to realize this at a very young age. I had an incredible amount of success in my early 20’s that I will be forever grateful for. Not because of the external pleasures that the success brought, but because of the powerful realization that it wasn’t the path to happiness. At 22 years old I had a life situation beyond my childhood dreams. I was a youtube star. I accomplished something I never thought was possible. I had fame. On a daily basis people would recognize me on the street and ask for a picture. I had money. More money than I knew what to do with. I had girls. Girls I couldn’t have imagined getting when I was a shy, introverted teenager. I lived in Los Angeles, the city I always wanted to be in. I was also the most unhappy I’ve ever been in my life. There’s no doubt the unhappiness came from this profound and ego destroying realization: My life situation is better than it ever was, better than I could have ever imagined it to be, but it didn’t improve my happiness. This is enough to send any man into a spiraling depression. Is this as good as it gets? Is this as good as I’m ever going to feel? If this is as good as it gets, life simply isn’t worth living. The only thing that kept me going in life was the hope that things would get better. That I would start feeling happy. If having a life better than my younger self could have imagined didn’t make me happy, would anything?
This was the moment I knew I had to search for happiness elsewhere. The moment I decided to get on the spiritual path. The funny thing is, I’ve now found that the spiritual path, the path to enlightenment, is actually the only path there ever was and the only path their ever will be. Every moment since the beginning of the universe has been part of this path. But this was the moment I realized I was hopping on it. The spiritual path that is. At the time, I had no idea what that entailed. I didn’t realize the extent of the path. I didn’t realize how deep it could go. I didn’t realize how it could shatter every paradigm I had ever learned. I didn’t realize I could get to a place of pure love and joy, where every fear I ever had in life completely vanished. I had no idea what true happiness could be. I simply thought if I started meditating, maybe I’d feel a little better.    
I did. I started to feel better. Not a lot. But any progress was motivating. I started out using this guided meditation app called Headspace. I’m not sponsored by anyone by the way, just telling you the story as it happened. Headspace was great because it taught me I hadn’t the slightest idea how to meditate. I thought meditating was about blocking out thoughts, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The lack of thoughts is just a symptom. The key for beginners is to realize what awareness is, to realize what it’s like to simply be aware of experience. Meditation starts out as simply noticing what is. You sit there with your eyes closed and pay attention to experience. Most people start off by focusing on their breath. Feeling every sensation of it as it passes in out of your nose. When a thought arises, as it inevitably will, you simply acknowledge the thought. Notice it, and let it fade away as you continue focusing on your breath. There’s really no effort. You’re simply just paying attention. A great state of mind for beginners is to think “Hmm, I wonder what my next thought is going to be.”
I started out mediating just 5 minutes every day. Wow. I had no idea how such a small sacrifice could change my perception of the world so quickly. Food started tasting better. The world started looking better. I notice sounds I hadn’t noticed before. Sex was better. I never realized what it was like to be in the present moment, but here I was. You’ll find that our mind is so clouded with thoughts we get lost in them. We become less conscious of the world. Back when I went to school in Texas, I was in a car accident. Not a bad one, luckily, but one that was completely my fault. While I was driving to the golf course (I played college golf by the way) I simply wasn’t paying attention and I rear ended a dad driving with his son. I couldn’t believe it just happened. My hands were on the wheel. My foot was on the break. My eyes were on the road. But somehow I was completely zoned out. I was lost in my head. Lost in my thoughts. I couldn’t help but picture how it could have been worse. I couldn’t get the image out of my mind of the son’s bloody head against the dashboard, unconscious from the impact. That was the majority of my experience. Thought. College was a stressful time. Juggling a double major in computational math and economics along with golf wasn’t easy. It had me constantly stressed. Constantly thinking. I can’t remember what I was thinking about that day, but it definitely wasn’t helping the issue. There was no reason I needed to get so lost in my head while I was driving. You’ll find most of our thoughts are unnecessary. They’re worrying about the future but that’s all they are. Worry. I was most likely worrying about all the homework I had to do later that night. There was nothing I could do about it in the car, there was no possible way thinking about the homework was going to somehow get rid of the problem, but I was still thinking about it. Luckily it was just a small accident. Years later when I started meditating in Los Angeles, I recalled this story and realized that being more present and less in my head could potentially save my life. At the time, I thought it was going to help me avoid a car accident, but now I realize it saved me in a completely different way. It saved my soul.
At this point, I still thought spirituality was this weird, esoteric fad that people latched onto to hide from their problems, just like religion. I cringed at the thought of the Los Angeles hippies who walked around with their peace sign t-shirts, high on who knows what, content working in a coffee shop, lacking the drive to be successful. I could imagine them going home and looking to the starts for guidance, talking to ghosts, or doing any other illogical practice that detached them further and further from reality. This is what I thought spirituality was. The only reason I was able to get myself to meditate was because of all the new science that was beginning to come out about it. I was the type of person who firmly believed you shouldn’t do or try anything when it comes to your health without looking at the scientific research behind it. This was a critical flaw that most of the western world has that I would soon fix. The issue with thinking like this is you’re limited to what science understands so far, which I know realize is a grain of sand in the vast desert of experience. I was so arrogant. For some reason I thought that if science hasn’t understood a certain phenomenon, it must not be true. Well in that case in the 1990’s I would have thought you were a lunatic if you were to say that it’s possible to talk to a virtual hologram of your friend from hundreds of miles away. Back then science had no understanding of such a phenomenon. Now, we simply call it FaceTime. Science has always been limited. There’s new science coming out every single day. I was so arrogant I believed that somehow we, as a collective scientific community, had all the answers to the modern world. If something is unexplainable by science, it must not be true, it couldn’t be that we simply haven’t found the scientific explanation yet. Or what was even more impossible in my mind was that science could somehow be wrong, and that future science could somehow reveal this. Science is science. It must be true. An example of a huge gap in science was the perception of smoking in the 1950s. Tobacco companies actually had doctors on their ad campaigns. This was common practice back then. The science about the negative health effects of cigarettes simply didn’t exist, so doctors promoted cigarettes. This is a good example to look back on because it shows that there can be gaps in science, and doctors can be objectively wrong. Now, I’ve realized the only truth you can ever know is from experience. All other external knowledge doesn’t have to be true, no matter how true it seems in the media or how true it’s made seem by medical professionals. The only thing we know that’s true, that we know we have, is experience. We know we are experiencing. We know we are conscious. Everything else is up for debate.
But back then, the only thing I could trust was science. So before I started meditation, I started looking at scientific studies. I read studies that showed that meditation reduced stress, controls anxiety, improves attention span, reduces memory loss, improves sleep, decreases blood pressure, and many more incredible health benefits. I saw that it worked by physiologically changing the brain. It actually shrinks the amygdala, a part of the brain that is associated with fear. I was sold, all these benefits just for paying attention for 5 minutes every day? Hell yeah. Why wouldn’t I? It was the least sacrifice for the greatest reward I had ever heard about. Funny enough, these rewards seem utterly meaningless to the rewards I would start coming across further down the path. Meditating for your health is like a naïve teenager buying a prostitute to play video games with because their friend told them they would do that. You’re completely unaware of the incredible potential such a practice has to offer.
This was where I was at. But I was content because I had finally found something that was improving my life beyond my life situation. With this meditative practice I could make all experience better. Throughout any circumstance I would have less stress, and my sensory perceptions would be heightened. I started to realize the power of simply paying attention to experience. I started realizing the power of awareness itself. So I began meditating more. 10 minutes per day then 20 minutes per day, then up to three hours per day right before my spiritual awakening. Soon I began to notice I didn’t get bored like I used to. I realized boredom is simply a lack of attention. A lack of focus. That is why disorders such as ADD and ADHD are growing more prevalent. Awareness is like a muscle. It can be trained. And society’s awareness has been getting weaker and weaker. Society’s thoughts are gaining more control and the average human is becoming less and less conscious. But I was realizing what it was like for consciousness to expand, and it was a great feeling. I had no idea this was just the beginning.
Because of my newfound love for meditation, all of a sudden things I previously had no interest in started to interest me. I became interested in Buddhist practice simply because I knew they meditated for many hours every day. I thought, wow, if there is a whole culture dedicated to meditating their entire lives, so much so that they give up many of the pleasures we all take for granted, there must be something profound to it.
I also started realizing the power of the present moment. I felt more present on a daily basis. I stopped reminiscing in the past and contemplating the future. I realized the present moment had so much more tranquility then the realm of thought I used to live in. Around this time I discovered the most popular book of all time about the present moment, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. Many of Eckhart’s teachings resonated with me. He talked about how all suffering is created by thought, by not living in the present moment. I completely agreed. It was a truth I had already discovered. Every ounce of suffering I had was due to thought. When I sat there and meditated and was truly absorbed in the present moment, all stress went away. I started learning more about this phenomenon. I began to learn of the concept of the ego.
At the time I only grasped the concept of the ego on a basic level. Now, I know it fully, because I’ve experienced what it’s like for it to completely die, which I’ll talk about later in this book.
The concept can be hard to grab for a lot of people because it’s all they know. And how we use the word in society today gets us confused. Many people think the word egotistical is synonymous with arrogant. And while yes, identifying with your ego is a type of arrogance because you think you know who you truly are when you don’t. Being egotistical goes far beyond that. Being egotistical means you identify who you are with only surface level concepts. Which makes sense when you think of the modern day meaning of egotistical. We commonly use the word egotistical to describe someone who is overly concerned with superficiality. It goes deeper than that though. The ego is also known as the false self in spirituality. It’s what you think makes you, you. Think to yourself, what distinguishes me from everyone else? Well you would probably say something like your body, your thoughts, your memories, your personality, your behaviors, and your ideologies. That’s what you think makes you, you. That’s the ego. The combination of everything you think makes you, you, and your attachment to it. It’s the identification with form. You’ll find that the ego is simply a physiological construct that acts as a sort of automated program, an unconscious action-reaction mechanism. Some sort of trigger is observed externally, and the ego reats internally. For example, someone tells you their opinion which contrasts to your beliefs. Immediately, without any critical thought, you’ll feel a little threatened and automatically think, “Well that’s not true.” Or someone insults you and you automatically get self conscious and defensive. You don’t even have control of your response. How do I know you’re not in control of your reaction? Well, no one would choose to feel such negative emotions so frequently. If you were truly in control and someone insults you, you wouldn’t choose to feel self conscious. That’s not a good feeling. Instead, you would simply choose to keep being happy. This is how the ego causes suffering. It causes you to feel negative feelings that you don’t truly want to feel. Most people would claim they have free will yet there’s not a shred of evidence for free will when it comes to their emotional state. Their emotional state is dictated by the external world, not them. Most people just accept this automatic programming as them. They believe they’re destined to be a victim of the external world. They believe this type of mental suffering is a natural part of the human experience. Well it’s not. This program doesn’t actually exist. It’s not a program. It’s not anything. It’s a psychological construct you developed in your mind, and it’s tricked you into thinking it is you.  
The ego isn’t you. The ego is simply a bundle of thoughts and sensations. It’s intangible. You can’t point to the ego. You can’t grasp the ego. You can only witness parts of the ego. You can only witness reactions of the ego. The ego is illusory. It doesn’t actually exist. We believe it to be this entity. We believe it to be us but it is not. To truly understand this concept, you must experience it. You must experience what it’s like to perceive experience without this false concept of who you are. Later on in this book I’ll show you the path to accomplish this, but for now, let’s go through some thought experiments to help you get a glimpse on why identifying with the ego doesn’t make sense.    
Let’s think of where all these aspects of you think as “you” came from. Because they weren’t always there. In your mind, you weren’t always the “you” you are now. You acquired all of these traits over time. None of these things you had when you were first born. Societal constructs and norms shaped your personality and behaviors. Experience gave you memories. The family that raised you gave you many of your ideologies. Food and exercise or lack thereof influenced your body. All these different aspects of your mind and body were acquired and developed into this cluster of thought called the ego. Well if all these things were acquired, who is the real you beyond them? We call these things yours. Your body. Your memories. Your behaviors. If these are all yours, then who is you? All these things that are yours are impermanent. They are transitory. They change all the time. Your beliefs change, your thoughts change, your behaviors change. But you feel like you’ve always been there. There is some you who has witnessed your entire life. Who was there before you had memories, before you had personality, before you had thoughts, before you behaved in a certain way? The you that is constant? That is unchanging? That is true? That is real? Nothing real can be threatened, yet everything that you think makes you can be. Beliefs can be changed. Thoughts disappear. You don’t have a single cell in your body that you did when you were a kid. So who are you actually?
Well, here’s where it gets a little weird. I’m about to attempt to explain the concept of oneness, the concept of non duality. Don’t expect to fully grasp this next concept now, because it’s impossible without actually experiencing it. I just have to tell you this know so you understand what people are trying to teach. What all spiritual teachers are trying to teach. The truth. The truth of the universe that is beyond belief. The truth of the universe that goes beyond faith. The truth of the universe that can actually be perceived through spiritual practice. The point of me telling you this right now isn’t to get you to understand this. In fact, people will fall into the trap of reading so much about this that the ego believes is has a complete understanding when in fact the ego has just grown stronger. This is something that can only be experienced when you weaken the ego. And don’t worry. There will be plenty of time for me to explain to you how to do this later in this book. So just think of this next paragraph as motivation. Motivation to keep learning and practicing spirituality. Realize many people already experience this. Not believe this. Experience it.
So what are you actually? What’s the you that’s permanent? What’s the you that’s always been there? What’s the you that’s aware of your thinking? The you is consciousness. The you is God. Same thing. The you is the you that is within everyone and everything. The you is the you from which all form arises. The you that is the universe. The you that is all of us. The you that is the creator. The creator of all form. The you that has always existed and always will exist. The you that makes us all one being. Woah. Lost you there? Yeah I bet. Don’t worry. You don’t have to attempt to understand it. This isn’t a theology class. You will have the opportunity to experience this through spiritual practice. In fact, it’s inevitable that the true you will, but more about that later.
Sometimes it helps to think about it like this. Think of the human experience as an onion. It has layers. On the surface is the ideologies, beliefs, and mindsets. These are very distinct in each human. No two humans have the exact same belief systems. Let’s go a little deeper to the emotional level. Emotions are something every human shares. Everyone knows what it’s like to feel anger, sadness, and joy (hopefully at least temporarily). But, these emotions are perceived in different ways. I, for example, perceive no emotions as negative. Every emotion is beautiful. I perceive the emotion of sadness just as if I experienced sadness in a movie. There’s no suffering behind it. There’s no attachment to it. The point is, the emotional level is much more similar among humans. Our perception of the emotions is different but we all feel the same emotions. So what if we go even deeper? In fact, what’s the deepest level we can get to? Can we get to a level that isn’t just similar among humans but the exact same? Yes we can. That level is awareness itself. The level of pure consciousness. If we strip away all thought, all sensations, all emotions, we are left with pure consciousness. The experience of being aware. The awareness that is aware of these thoughts, sensations, and emotions on a daily basis. This awareness is the exact same. The awareness within me is the exact same as the awareness in you. There is absolutely no difference. The difference in our experience is caused only by the mind. This is not the most difficult concept to grab. Sure, it make sense that we all have something the same within us. Where I start to lose people is when I explain that this pure consciousness within us isn’t segregated. It’s not that you have your own consciousness within you and I have my own consciousness within me. It’s all the same consciousness. The consciousness within you is simply a wave of the vast, infinite ocean of consciousness. The consciousness within me is simply another wave within the same ocean of consciousness. It is the part of you that is beyond the human form. It is the part of you that you have forgotten you are. The part of you that’s hidden by the ego.          
The ego just tricks you into thinking you’re only the ego. That you’re a temporary, individual self-comprised of thoughts and other form. This is the falseness we eventually must overcome to end suffering. The ego is the cause of all mental suffering. It makes us think the self is all we are. Think about it. Of course you suffer when you think you’re just a temporary fragment in the universe. We try to accept it but it will always be in the back of our minds. When we think the self is all we are, and the experience of the self is not exactly how we want it, we suffer. Thinking you are the ego is like a tree thinking it’s a leaf. Yes, I suppose a leaf is a leaf as well, but its part of something greater. It can’t stand alone without the tree. A leaf’s science only understands the leaf, but does that mean there isn’t a tree? Of course not. The ego hides the fact that we are the tree. The ego makes us completely forget this and believe we are just a leaf. And we suffer when the life of the leaf doesn’t go perfectly. If there’s a nicer leaf next to us, we get jealous, if an ant take a bit out of the leaf, we think we lost a part of ourselves, and suffer. The whole life of the leaf, we are terrified of the leave falling and withering away. We’ve forgotten that we can simply grow back another one. Or that we can simple go back to enjoying being the tree. That we never were the leaf. We simply had our awareness focused on the leaf. Well if we direct our focus beyond the leaf through spiritual practice such as mediation, we begin to wake up and realize we were never the leaf, we were the tree the whole time and it’s this giant moment of epiphany. You won’t be able to believe you forgot you were the tree. So that’s the goal of spiritual practice. Recognize and work to reduce the power of the ego so you can realize once again you’re the tree. Then, being the leaf becomes so much more enjoyable. It becomes complete freedom.
         Ok Connor really? Sounds like you’re still in psychosis. They let you out of the psych ward too early. I’m not a tree. I’m a human. Does anyone else actually teach this concept? Well yes. Mr. Eckhart Tolle teaches the exact same thing. You’ll find there are even more renowned spiritual teachers that teach this, you just haven’t realized it, because their teachings have been lost in translation after 1000s of years of being translated by translators who operate from the ego, not from oneness.
But before I talk about another one of these very special spiritual teachers, let me explain why they are teaching it and why this can benefit your life so much. So, if you are able to fully experience this concept, the fear of death completely goes away. Think about it. If you realize that you are an immortal entity. Consciousness itself. God. Then the human form while beautiful and enjoyable to experience, becomes insignificant in the grand scheme of things. The death of the body is trivial. It’s like your video game character dying. You still love the game and want the character to succeed, but when he inevitably dies, he dies. No big deal. Because you’re not the video game character. So when you’re able to experience the concept of oneness, not only does the fear of death go away, but all fears go away. All fears stem from the fear of death. All fears are simply human survival mechanisms. Think about it. Guys. Why are you so afraid to approach a girl and talk to her? Well, in tribal times, if you approached the wrong girl, the tribe’s leader’s girl, you could be killed. Game over. That’s it. Just cause you talked to a girl. All fears stem from the fear of death. If truly can realize death is an illusion, all fears diminish. Now of course, you basic human biology will attempt to keep these fears alive, but your knowing, your true knowing, the knowing that goes beyond the human form, is much stronger than that. You’ll find that when you awaken, your confidence skyrockets. Confidence is simply the absence of fear. Realizing the truth of the universe gives you the ultimate confidence because the fear of death goes away.
So what other bad things does the fear of death cause? The better question is what bad things doesn’t it cause? Belief in death is the root cause of chronic stress but we don’t even realize it. Almost every action we take revolves around the idea that experience is limited. That we will die. Because we think experience is limited, we prefer certain experiences over other ones. We are always trying to grab the best slice out of life. We want to have as many pleasuring experiences as we can and skip the not so pleasuring ones. We suffer when we experience “negative” experiences because we believe there’s an opportunity cost. We think we’d be happier if we were experiencing pleasure. There is this sense of rush in life to cram all the good experiences into 80 years. That’s our idea of a good life. Ironically, that feeling of rush causes stress and releases cortisol that shortens and decreases the quality of life. It makes us less happy and less healthy. The ego creates this illusion that we can achieve happiness at the expense of others. We think we’re this temporary, isolated fragment in the world that’s meant to snatch as much pleasure from the rest of the world before we disappear. This is the cause of much of the worlds evil. Corrupt corporations sacrifice their honesty and integrity for money. They take shortcuts. They make our food products unhealthier because it’s cheaper. Even if they know it’s bad for us they’ll advertise that it’s healthy. Corrupt corporations put their success over the health and happiness of the world, because they believe success will bring them happiness. What they don’t realize is that it’s only pushing them further away.    
Once you realize life doesn’t end after the death of the self, there is no rush, and you can actually enjoy the negative experiences. Now how is that possible To enjoy negative experiences you’re probably asking? Well, I want you to think of your favorite movie. That movie undoubtedly has conflict. It makes you experience anxiety or sadness, but you don’t get attached to the emotion. You don’t suffer. You enjoy it because it’s part of the movie and life goes on after the movie. Why do we put ourselves through these movies? If we know the movie is sad, why do we still watch it? Well because we enjoy the raw emotion of sadness. We don’t enjoy sadness when we become attached to it. When part of our identity is that emotion. Sadness will inevitably happen in the human life. Loved ones will die. But, sadness can come from a different place. There can be sadness without suffering, just as if your favorite character died in a movie.
That’s all life is. That’s what the universe is. An incredibly complicated 4D movie.
You start to realize how negative experiences create future joyful experiences. Let’s just say we always lived in a utopia. All we ever knew was the truth. All we ever experiences was an ego-free, pure human experience. We were born and raised in the concept of non-duality where we perceived all form as one. We were always completely enlightened. We were always the one collective consciousness taking on different form. That’s all we ever knew. Well, it would be great, yes. There would be no suffering. But, we’d be missing an important part that would make the experience truly incredible. Contrast. Gratitude. Experiencing this paradigm in this lower level of consciousness and then shattering the paradigm and entering into this higher level of consciousness is the most mind-blowing experience you could ever imagine. You’re left with an insane amount of gratitude. Heaven cannot exist without a hell. Heaven without a hell is simply normal. There’s nothing special about it. The universe, the collective consciousness, is creating incredible experiences for itself. But to make these experiences truly incredible, there must be relative suffering to experience relative joy.    
Now you’re probably thinking, well if there’s no fear of death, no negative experiences, and no rush, how will society be productive? Well it becomes productive in the right way. The realization true happiness is possible is extremely motivating. Society will be incredibly proactive to get there. But, the process will become enjoyable, and it won’t happen at the expense of others. It will stop focusing on GDP and starts focusing on actual quality of life. Our economic numbers don’t dictate our quality of life. What would you rather have? A bustling economy or true happiness? The answer is a no brainer.  
So now I hope you can see why experiencing the truth can be so valuable. Because your concept of death is thrown out the window, your fears go away, and all experience becomes incredible.
So, who’s the most well-known spiritual teacher of all time that taught these same concepts? The same teachings as Buddha and Eckhart Tolle? The concepts of collective consciousness and oneness? The concept of eternal life? The concept the God that is all of us? Drumroll please…
Jesus.  
I was raised in a standard Catholic household. My mom, dad, and sister would go to mass every Sunday. I went through all the catholic traditions: Baptism, first communion, and confirmation. First communion in a Catholic family is celebrated about 5 times more intensely than a birthday and you get about 5 times more money accumulated from your congratulatory cards. My elementary school back in Michigan was even catholic. Not the strict nuns hitting you with rulers catholic but catholic nonetheless. Chapel was a biweekly thing as was religious studies. As I grew older and moved to Arkansas with my family, I went to Sunday school after church every day. My family, especially my Mom, is still very orthodox catholic, so I’d like to start this off by apologizing to her. Mom, if you’re reading this. This would be a great place to stop.
Religion stopped making sense to me at a very young age. I began to realize my faith was low around 10 years old. The setting was around 2005 in Arkansas, right in the middle of the Midwest. The Bible belt. At the time, I would have been figuratively crucified if I were to express by true beliefs. Atheism and agnosticism were ruthlessly shunned. I remember in 7th grade there was one and only one openly atheist kid in the school. He was a total outcast. No kid wanted anything to do with him simply for his ideas of divinity. The sad part was, I was one of those kids. I wanted nothing to do with him. Not because I disagreed with this beliefs, but because I wanted to maintain the little social status that I had. At this time I was shy, nerdy looking kid who was regularly bullied. I absolutely hated my life at school. The last thing I wanted to do was give the bullies another reason to make my life a living hell. The sad part was, this outcast of the kid was the only one I related to. From a young age I was always a critical thinker. Somehow I was just resistant to brainwashing. I didn’t believe anyone or anything until I thought it through with logic. I don’t know where this superpower came from, but it truly is a superpower. This open mindedness is what allowed me to experience a spiritual awakening so early in life. But back then, it was the cause of a lot of suffering. I felt segregated from the rest of my community, and I had hide this feeling for my entire childhood. The idea of God and Jesus simply didn’t make any logical sense to me. Where and how does some man exist in the sky and how did his son come back to life from the dead? It simply didn’t abide by the laws of science I so diligently learned in science class. It simply wasn’t how I knew the world to work. How could I be the only one that thought this way? How could every single person I knew blindly believe a story out of a book? Faith they would say. Faith. How do you accumulate this faith? I wanted the faith. Of course I wanted to believe in God. That sounded wonderful. I was envious of people who did. I also wanted to believe in magic after reading the Harry Potter series. But I just couldn’t. Faith didn’t seem like a choice. And I was destined to live a life without faith.  
The idea of all these different religions is what really drew me away. I believed there must be one truth. That’s the essence of truth. It must be. All these different religions claiming theirs was the truth and that all others were false rubbed me the wrong way. I was frustrated by how arrogant religious people are. How do they know their way is the truth? And how can they be so discriminatory to people who don’t think the same way as they do? I started to realize there’s no way these people truly believe in their religion. There no way a person can truly believe that in just a few decades they’ll spend the rest of eternity is heaven, yet still be so unhappy. It’s impossible. I was right. Knowing what I know now, if you’re truly free from the illusion of death, if you truly believe a part of you is eternal and lives after the body dies, it’s 100% impossible to be unhappy. It just is. Now if you just have faith, if you’re only 95% sure of an afterlife, it’s extremely possible to be unhappy. In fact, it’s impossible to reach true happiness. The fear that you might only be this temporary entity in the universe will always be in the back of your mind. It will always cause suffering whether you admit it or not. I could also tell these religious people didn’t truly believe because of how offended they got if anyone questioned their beliefs. It was extremely rare that I witnessed a religious person who could have a calm, meaningful discussing about religion. The majority of what I saw was distain and dismissal or any opinion that was different from theirs. It was obvious that this came from insecurity. They were insecure about their beliefs. They didn’t truly believe and they didn’t want any external information to lessen their belief. I did understand this though. If in the back of your mind you realize that the truth could be inferior to the fantasy, of course you would want to reinforce the fantasy. Your perception is your reality. I’ve always acknowledged I’d rather be a blissful schizophrenic than a depressed, realist PhD in neuroscience. The issue was, no matter what I did, I couldn’t get myself to believe in the fantasy. My logical mind just wouldn’t let me do it. I would have gladly took a pill to change my brain chemistry to make be believe in a God, but as far as I know such a thing sadly doesn’t exist. At the time, I had no idea the truth could be better than the fantasy. I couldn’t even comprehend such a thing. What could be better than going to heaven after you die? Well, this. What we are experiencing right now. It’s so much more incredible. Somehow science, logic, and religion can align into a mind-blowing truth that makes the most opulent Christian fantasy look dull. At the time I couldn’t even imagine this concept, and I certainly couldn’t imagine actually experiencing it. My feelings of separateness continued.    
I suppressed these feelings for the next many years, especially to my family. I stopped going to church, but I would say it was because I simply didn’t like church. I would never dare say it was because I didn’t believe in God. As I grew older I began to meet people who thought more like me. Society began to become more open-minded about religion. Over the next decade, Christianity was on the decline, and atheism and agnosticism was on the rise. To my closest friends, I was less afraid to tell them exactly how I felt. I would tell them I was agnostic. I couldn’t believe in the Christian sense of God, but I was open minded enough not to reject the idea of some sort of higher power. The immense scale of the universe was mind-blowing to me. I figured there must be something out there we don’t know about, I just didn’t know what it was. I started to try and put band aids on the festering wound that was my fear of death. I started looking for other explanations for my existence besides a man in the sky. I came across some interesting theories. I found that Elon Musk was a proponent of the simulation theory. Essentially, given enough time, technology will be able to create life like simulations that are indistinguishable from reality. We have pretty lifelike virtual reality right now, and technology is increasing at an exponential rate. Given enough time, virtual reality will become perfect. When these simulations are possible, there could be millions, even billions of them going on at one time. Just simple probability would show that it’s essentially a 0% chance we’re not in a simulation. This theory made sense. I could believe it more than the man in the sky, but it didn’t provide me with compete relief. What if we were still in base reality? What if we hadn’t reached that technological level yet?
Around this time I started hoping for immortality. Seriously. I began to believe that if technology is increasing at such an exponential rate, it’s only a matter of time until we solve the issue of aging. I found they had already reversed aging in mice, and some companies were guaranteeing immortality in human in 20 years. That was a refreshing thought. All I have to do is survive another couple decades and make enough money to be able to afford it. I also looked into cryopreservation. Many rich people were freezing their bodies after they died in the hopes technology would be able to revive them sometime in the future. Awesome, I thought. If this whole reverse aging thing doesn’t happen, I’ll just sign up to freeze my body when I get older. I also learned about the potential science of mind uploading. Theoretically, our brain is just a complicated mapping of information that could potentially be uploaded to a computer and then connected to some sort of artificial avatar body. I believed that one day that could be possible too.
This way of thinking served me well for a while. In fact, it led to some self-improvement. I began to focus on health and longevity so I could live long enough to witness the invention of immortality. Now I definitely wasn’t happy. At this point in time I had just moved to Los Angeles as a rich and famous YouTuber. As you know, the realization that I wasn’t happy after essentially perfecting my life situation was depressing, but this thought of future immortality was able to numb the depression to a bearable level. I looked at it at the ultimate external accomplishment. If I became immortal, I could finally be happy. Just a few more decades of suffering. So all was well and good relatively speaking. At least I was doing better than before. Little did I know, what I thought of as an oasis of the mind was just a mirage in the mental desert of suffering.
It was 9 p.m. I had just gotten done working out at Gold’s Gym Venice, the most renowned bodybuilding gym on the planet. The gym Arnold used to lift at. I was fortunate enough to work out there every day. I could feel the energy in the air. Every time I gazed at the dozens of portraits of famous bodybuilders on the wall and could feel the history. There wasn’t a more motivating gym on the planet. My best workouts of my life took place in that gym. My workout partners were my two employees and best friends Alejandro and Phil. They moved to Los Angeles with me to do my videography and editing. Just like every night, we drove home to our nice little condo on Grant Street in Santa Monica. We had just smashed a chest workout and were excited to eat a protein packed post workout meal. We pulled into the garage in the alleyway behind our condo. We got out, picked up our gym bags, and started walking towards the gate. All of a sudden from about 50 feet away down the alleyway we heard some guy yell at us. “Wait! Hold up!” he screamed. Oh great, I thought. Another guy begging for money. Like I don’t get enough of that every time I go to Venice. He was a mixed guy wearing a baggy t-shirt. It was dark, but if I remember correctly he was some sort of mix of black and Latino. His messy dreadlocked hair flopped back and forth as he approached us. All of a sudden my heart skipped a beat when he was 15 feet away. He had a certain look in his eyes that I hadn’t seen before and he had his left hand behind his back. My body immediately filled with adrenaline. I didn’t know exactly what was about to happen, but I knew I was in a dangerous situation. He pulled out his left hand behind his back and pointed a sliver glock at Alejandro, the middle of the three of us. Alejandro will never be able to get this next moment out of his mind. The guy cocked the glock and pointed it directly at Alejandro’s groin. Now I don’t know if this guy meant to do that, and looking back on it it’s slightly comical, but I can assure you in the moment it wasn’t. “You fella’s from around here?” he asked with the most intimidating tone he could muster up. We didn’t know the correct answer so we just kind of mumbled some vague answer. “You guys carrying any smack?” Oh. Now I see. This guys in a gang. He thinks we’re in another gang. And he thinks we’re carrying heroin in our gym backs. What. The. Fuck. We all innocently say no. “Empty your pockets and drop the bags!” he says in an increasingly aggressive manner. Of course we comply. At this point Alejandro turns around and starts sprinting down the alleyway in the opposite direction. Phil and I stand there frozen not knowing what to do. Without even acknowledging Alejandro’s escape he says, “Don’t ever be showing up in my alleyway again.” After this he waved the gun at us implying we were free to go. Phil and I run through the gate and up to our condo. We have no way to call the cops because they took our phones. Luckily, Alejandro jumped through the window of the nearby Jack in the Box and called the cops from there. Weirdly enough when the police came to check out the crime scene, our bags were set neatly by our gate. We thought they would steal them. I’ve never heard of someone robbing someone at gunpoint then being so considerate afterwards. At least we got our stuff back, but that was the least of our issues. We were all mentally traumatized. Life had never seemed so fragile.          
After this, my mind took a weird turn. I had never really considered this before. What if I were to die early? I could pretty much guarantee immortality if a can just survive long enough for technology to get there. Some companies are guaranteeing 20 years so if I can survive double that I have to be good. You would think this was a pretty freeing thought. Not at all. It became the opposite. All of a sudden life had a far greater stake. With our current thinking, if we die young, yes it’s tragic, but a 20 year old casualty is only missing out on maybe 60 years of life. But what if immortality is guaranteed by the time he’s 80? Well then a 20 year old casualty is missing out on eternal life. All of a sudden everything in life seemed riskier. I became more paranoid. Was it even worth leaving the house? I could get into a car accident. I could get murdered. I was contemplating if I should just build an underground shelter and patiently wait until the solution for immortality came out so I didn’t risk dying beforehand. It didn’t take long before I snapped out of it. This was a horrible way to live. It’s not worth it. I would rather die that live a life in fear. I needed more answers.
This was the lowest part of my life. Not only was I depressed because my life situation didn’t give me happiness, but I was so paranoid about death I probably could have been diagnosed with a mental disorder. I needed something, and I found meditation.
After several months went by I decided to read the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Even though I was still pretty iffy on the spiritual side of things, I found that a ton of successful entrepreneurs were recommending this book. If successful logical people were reading it, I guess I might as well. I already knew the value of being in the present moment through meditation, so I figured the book could only intensify this feeling. Yes, I got a lot out of the book in terms of being in the present moment and recognizing the everyday tricks of the ego, but there was another very unexpected significance I got out of the book. Throughout this book, Eckhart talked about Jesus, but he talked about him in a much different way than Christians do. He conveyed Jesus not as some divine creature, but as simply a human. Simply a spiritual teacher. A teacher that was teaching the same thing Eckhart was teaching. Presence. Our true nature. God as the collective consciousness. Eckhart would teach and then relate his teachings back to the teachings of Jesus and Buddha and show that Jesus and Buddha were teaching the same exact thing as him. What. The. Fuck. My mind was blown. It all made perfect sense. I started getting goosebumps when I began to realize this. Jesus was teaching enlightenment. Jesus was teaching the exact same thing as Buddha. Jesus was teaching the same type of spiritualty Eckhart was teaching. Jesus was actually a human. Jesus’ teachings started making sense for the first time in my entire life. He wasn’t preaching about God as some man in the sky, but he was preaching about God as the collective consciousness within all of us. Heaven wasn’t some mystical realm. It was the peace of mind and freedom from suffering we could all obtain. Now at this time I didn’t perceive or experience the collective consciousness concept. I only vaguely understood in on an intellectual level. But it certainly made much more sense that a man in the sky. I could definitely admit that we all have consciousness within us. I could kind of see how it could all be one consciousness. But at the time it didn’t matter if I understood it. All that mattered was I believed all these teachers really found something. Buddha, Jesus, and Eckhart. They were living by this. It seemed as though this was a thing you can truly experience. A truth that goes beyond believe. A truth that goes beyond faith. A truth that is knowing. A truth you perceive. I had no doubt Eckhart was enlightened. He seemed to truly be happy. He seemed to be truly free from the ego. Of course I thought. That’s all Jesus and Buddha were. Enlightened humans teaching others the truth. There was just one truth. I knew it. All religions have been attempting to teach the same thing, they’ve just been misinterpreted over thousands of years of faulty translation by humans who didn’t understand the truth. At this point I didn’t even understand really what the truth was. I didn’t experience it in any way. I couldn’t perceive it in the slightest. But at this moment I knew it existed. I knew it was within my grasp. I knew with deep spiritual practice I could get there. As time went on and I started to better understand the ideas of the ego and the collective consciousness, or God, Jesus’ teachings made so much sense. It was the first time they actually hit me. They had ignited some sort of knowing deep within me. I would do everything I could to harness that knowing that’s hiding beyond the ego.
Let’s take a look at some quotes from Jesus and understand their true meaning. Some of them I heard from Eckhart, some of them I heard from other spiritual teachers like Alan Watts. Some of them I simply found on my own from reading the bible. At the time I first heard these quotes, I began to understand them on an intellectual level. Now, they are much more powerful. These quotes speak to my very being, my very essence. These quotes are pure truth that I’m experiencing right now.  
Let’s start out with one of the most famous quotes from Jesus that’s been lost in translation:
“I am the son of God”
This is from John 10:36. Now The King James Version of the Bible has “the” in italics before “Son of God” Most people infer this is for emphasis, but it’s not. Italics are used for words interpolated by the translators. “The,” was never actually there. It was added in the translation. You’ll find that the Greek bible said “son of God I am.” There was never any “the.” In the Greek language this is the same as having an indefinite article. There was simply an implied “a.” Jesus believed we are all sons of God meaning we all share the same God consciousness within all of us. Jesus never put himself above his fellow humans as if he were more divine. Don’t believe me? Well let’s look at some more verses that show this.
“Ye are Gods”
This is in Psalm 82:6. It should be getting more obvious. We are God. We are all the one God, the one ocean of consciousness. That is our true nature. That’s who we truly are.
“Whoever has seen me has seen the father”
This is from John 14:9. The true nature of Jesus is God, the father, consciousness itself. Many people considered that blasphemous, just as many will consider this book blasphemy, but Jesus was saying that his true nature and the father, or God, are the same entity.
“I and my father are one”
This is John 10:30. Again, Jesus is saying that he and God are the same thing.
“That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.”
This is from John 17:21. Here he is saying everything is one. All humans are part of the one collective consciousness, just as Jesus himself is.
“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves”
This is from Mathew 16:24. Here Jesus is referring to “themselves” as their false selves, their egos. The false self is what holds back Jesus’ followers from experiencing his teaching of Christ consciousness, or the kingdom of heaven. Here Jesus is telling his followers to deny the illusory self so that the true self may be uncovered.
“The kingdom of heaven is within you and the kingdom of god does not come with observation”
This is from Luke 17:20-21. The kingdom of heaven is within you. I don’t know how he could be clearer. Heaven, Nirvana, true peace and happiness, and freedom from suffering is within you. You experience this when you break free from the ego and experience consciousness at its purest form. Heaven also doesn’t come with observation. Heaven is not an object you can sense such as an image, thought, or sensation. These objects are appearances in consciousness. The kingdom of God is the consciousness in which all these objects appear. It cannot be observed. It is the consciousness through which all else is observed.
Here is a great example of how Jesus conveys himself as divine as the average human:
“I am the light of the world” (John 8:12)
Wait for it…
“You are the light of the world” (Mathew 5:14)
Yes. I don’t know how it can’t be obvious now. The light that Jesus had within him is within all of us. It’s able to be uncovered by literally everyone. This light is God. This light is consciousness. At the core Jesus was no different from you and me. He was simply awake. He recognized his true nature. He was enlightened. You can be too.
Now all these quotes were great. I began to make sense of Jesus’ teaching. I stopped seeing the Christian religion as crazy and started seeing it as misguided. The Christian religion was once pure. In fact, I believe all religions were once pure. The concept of the ego and collective consciousness is just so difficult for the average human to understand because they haven’t experienced it. It makes sense how the one true religion can get lost in translation when people with ego attempt to translate it. You can only effectively translate something you understand. Translators over time have not understood. I still had questions though. I could buy that Jesus was human and was simply teaching enlightenment, but there was a lot more digging to do. If Jesus was human how did he perform these so called miracles? If Jesus was human how on earth did he resurrect from the dead? Well there was only one way to find out. For the first time in my life, even though my beliefs were on the verge of blasphemy, I decided to read the gospel.
Wow. As I read through the books of Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John, my mind was blown. The answers were all there. Every answer that every seeker of truth has been looking for. There was heaps of unexpected evidence that Jesus was human. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. How have people not seen this? People have been so brainwashed, so closeminded that they can’t think critically. They can only take their precious book for face value. The explanation of seemingly divine occurrences was in the gospel. The explanation of Jesus’ miracles was in the gospel. The explanation of Jesus’ resurrection was in the gospel. It’s just not there explicitly. The gospel gives clues to what actually happened, but it still has to be put together. So that’s exactly what I did. I put all the pieces together.
Now, while I believe these puzzle pieces fit perfectly together, you may not. That is ok. The point of the explanation I’m about to give you isn’t to make you believe my puzzle. It’s simply to make you realize that there could be a complete led puzzle that is of this realm. The earthly realm. Not some divine realm. Unfortunately, Christians are going to turn away from this explanation because it questions their beliefs. It really is a shame because what they don’t realize is understanding that Jesus was human is much, much more powerful and comes with a much greater reward than believing he’s divine. If you believe Jesus was divine, you believe you get to go to heaven when you die. Cool. If you believe Jesus was human, you believe you can have everything Jesus had in this lifetime. Now that’s incredible. Think of the implications. If Jesus was truly human, then his higher level of consciousness is attainable. Jesus was truly happy. He was truly confident. No external circumstance could take this away from him. He was called blasphemous, he had stones thrown at him, he was considered crazy at first, but his incredible energy always prevailed. No matter what he was always good. He was free from sin. His life’s mission was to make the world a better place. And he had a great time doing so. If Jesus was truly human, well that’s suggests some pretty mind-blowing possibilities. If there was a man who got to a place of such joy and goodness where all sin and fear faded away. Where all that was left was pure good and love for others. What’s stopping the rest of the world from obtaining the same thing? Yeah. Think about it for a second. If Jesus was human, what if all humans found what he had. What would happen to the world? It wouldn’t just be heaven of the mind. It would be heaven. External and internal heaven. A true Golden Age. So what’s stopping people form having what Jesus had? Only the ego. That’s literally it. Only the illusion that makes us feel separate. Jesus experienced the one collective consciousness. That’s how he could have such unconditional love for others. He saw past the surface level psychological construct of the ego. He saw others as their true nature. Himself. God. How can you not love something when you realize it’s you? When you realize the universe is you, there’s no need for laws. You don’t have to tell someone not to chop of their own arm (well, not most people anyway), and the same concept applies when every human awakens. The world would become a giant family. Now I think you can see why he preached against sin. This gives a whole new meaning to the golden rule: treat others the way you would like to be treated. This makes perfect sense because “others” and “you” are one are the core. Sin doesn’t just harm others, it harms yourself because everything is one. You can notice this just by paying attention to experience. Unless you’re a psychopath, when you sin it goes against your conscience. Say you tell a lie to your friend. You feel bad about it for a while. If you do something worse, you might feel bad about it for a long time. Why is that? Why do we have that feeling of guilt when we harm others? Because others are us. We are all one. This is what Jesus was trying to teach. The feeling of guilt is real. If you harm another person, it hurts your mental health. As I’ll talk about later in this book, physical, mental, and spiritual health are all connected. Improving one improves the other and vice versa. Prolonged stresses such as the feeling of guilt can cause a chronic release of cortisol, the stress hormone, can disrupt nearly all of the body’s processes. It can lead to weight gain, heart disease, digestive problems, and depression. It starts off this negative feedback loop. All these effects then cause more stress which release even more cortisol and worsen these problems. Sinning has a much greater effect on our wellbeing than we think. Most of these stresses run in the background and we aren’t aware of them.
This was why forgiveness was so powerful. We accumulate mental stresses from childhood that we can carry with us our whole lives. I, for example, wasn’t the nicest to my sister growing up. I felt bad about that for years. I wasn’t free from that stress for over a decade until I was finally able to forgive myself after my spiritual awakening. Most people have so many hidden stresses that are ruining their health. Think about how stressed out people were back in Jesus’ time. The idea of forgiveness wasn’t as mainstream. People back then were terrified that their sins would cause them to be less favored by God in the afterlife. This guilt weighed heavier on them then it does on Christians today because Christians believe they just have to ask and they will be forgiven. Jesus was able to reduce mental stress significantly by offering forgiveness. Jesus also relieved stress with another key concept: the promise of an afterlife. As I’ve already explained, the fear of death is the cause of all fears. It’s the root cause of most of the chronic cortisol release we experience. The idea that experience is limited makes us stressed. It makes us rushed. Not only does that feeling of rush cause stress, but it makes us seek happiness at the expense of others, which leads to more deep rooted guilt, even if it’s not noticed. The promise of an afterlife can dramatically reduce a person’s chronic cortisol release. Forgiveness and the promise of an afterlife is powerful enough to reduce almost all mental stress if done so by someone perceived as divine. Think of the effects this can have on a person. Remember, mental, physical, and spiritual health is connected. Less stress means better physical health, and dramatically less stress means dramatically better physical health. I think you see know why Jesus was considered a healer.
But being a healer was a human act. Even his disciples performed healing miracle in the Bible.  
Let’s further look into Jesus’ miracles. It’s important to note that the Bible has great discrepancies in divine occurrences depending on who witnessed the event. For example, when Mary Magdalene found the tomb of Jesus to be empty, there was a man there to tell her that Jesus had risen from the dead. Or should I say two men. Well, no one will ever know. Each disciple told a very different story. In the Gospel Mathew describes this man as an angel. Mark describes him as just a normal person. Luke actually says there were 2 normal people there. So, if we just go off Mathew’s story, we believe in the divine. We believe in angels. But, if we go off anyone else’s story, there was nothing divine about it. It was an earthly occurrence within the scientific realm. You’ll find that every seemingly magical moment in the Bible could be explained by a different person as earthly, it just depended on who witnessed it. It was much more common back then to describe something as divine. The mind of humanity back then was much more open. They didn’t have the scientific understanding of the earth as we do today. Today, if anyone witnessed the same events that took place back then, they’d see them as normal, earthly events with no divine connection.
Now here’s where I make a pretty bold claim. I believe some of Jesus’ miracles were staged. Now I don’t think this takes anything away from how amazing of a person he was. Lying is only bad if it comes with bad intentions. If you lie for the good of humanity, there’s nothing wrong with it. You’ll find that Buddha told many lies to teach lessons. In fact, The Lotus Sutra does not deny that the Buddha lied, but uses the term falsehood. Jesus’ and Buddha’s lies didn’t go against their conscience, because they were operating out of love. The only wanted the best for the rest of the world. They both realized that there really is no pure truth. The truth is dynamic. Truths are learned only to then get to a higher truth and give up the outdated truth. At a higher level of consciousness, almost everything you say to the average human is in your mind, a falsehood. But it’s a falsehood that they need to understand as the truth in order to get them to the higher truth. This was Jesus’ mindset in staging miracles. He wanted to show how powerful God was and encourage people to search for this incredible power within. Performing these miracles also gave him more credibility, so more people would listen to his teachings, and he could spread the truth more easily. Once you find the truth, you won’t blame Jesus for lying. The truth is so incredible that if I knew what it entailed I would have happily gone through the world’s greatest torture to get here. Getting upset about Jesus lying is like getting upset over the following scenario.
Let’s say there’s this prank show. Each participant in the show received $10 million dollars at the end of it. The only catch is, they can’t know it’s a prank. So the prank show picks a participant, but they can’t tell the participant they’re about to be on the show. They can only tell their friend. The friend has to help out. So this prank is pretty brutal. This is a going to jail prank. The prank show tells the friend to accuse the participant of a crime. The police are in on it too. The police and the friend set up fake evidence. Then the unknowing participant is arrested. The participant is absolutely furious at the friend. How could he do such a thing? How could he lie and have me put in prison? Well after the day has past, everyone reveals it’s a prank, and the participant is given a $10 million check. The lying friend was operating out of pure love. They got nothing. They just wanted their friend to be happy. Of course, the participant thanked their friend. Who wouldn’t spend a day in jail for $10 million dollars? So don’t be upset with Jesus when his lies brought true happiness to people and they didn’t even have to suffer at all.
Now, I’m going to bring up this example later on in the book, because I’ll admit, faking my death caused some temporary suffering for some people close to me. But, if those same people can experience the truth and live a life truly free from mental suffering, well I think it was definitely worth it. I think it was far more reward for even less suffering than the jail example. Remember, I couldn’t have written this book without that stunt. That’s one of the most important parts of this book. Don’t worry its coming up soon.    
Now speaking of faking something, there’s evidence in the Bible that miracles were set up. Jesus was asked to do miracles on command but he could not. In the Bible, if Jesus was asked to perform miracles on command he would say “You shall not put the Lord Your God to the Test.” The staged miracles were relatively easy to pull off with high intellect and proper planning because of the lack of scientific understanding in that time period. Think if the world’s greatest magician went back 2000 years ago and did his best act. People would worship him. They’d think he’s divine. If these same acts happened in today’s society, they’d be called fake, or simply a magic act.
So let’s talk about Jesus’ greatest magic trick of all time: his resurrection from the dead. Yes, I believe this was all planned out. I believe he wanted to get arrested. I believe he wanted people to believe he resurrected from the dead. Why? Well first of all to show the power of the God within and to get people seeking the truth. Two, to increase his credibility so he could spread the truth more easily. And three, to free people from the illusion of death. This was so powerful. The only way from someone to be truly free of the illusion of death is to experience the truth for themselves. To experience they’re true nature beyond their physical body and mind. But, what’s the next best thing? To see someone else beat death. Jesus’ resurrection was so powerful because it freed so many people from the illusion of death. It made people truly believe in an afterlife. I’ve already discussed why freeing yourself from the illusion of death is so powerful. Jesus’ resurrection from the dead brought an immeasurable amount of peace and joy to the world. So, how did he do it? Well, the Bible gives us some pretty good hints.
So then when Jesus was on the cross the person guarding over him was called the centurion in the Bible which basically just means Roman officer. Now keep in mind the centurion was a believer (mark 15:39). And believers believe the word of Jesus even if he’s acting. So in Luke https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nUaBTB62iif0qtQ3oPTMeSPHihJ1cpoImZG47y5ZTfI/edit23:46 Jesus actually announced he was going to die. He “called out with a loud voice, ‘Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.’” Then he “breathed his last.” Now to me, and if anyone in today’s time would have witnessed this, we’d know that this was obviously just acting. How could you possible know the exact moment you’re going to die, and be able to have that much energy to scream like that? Who is able to “call out with a loud voice” when their seconds away from death? A good actor. That’s who. Well back then, because the concept of divinity was considered real, the centurion completely bought it.
Now this was Joseph of Arimathea’s que. Joseph of Arimathea was this rich noble who was a disciple of Jesus and I believe he was one of the few in on the plan. He went to Pontious Pilote, the man who crucified Jesus and asked for the body. Now at this point in the Bible, Pilote was actually very surprised Jesus had died so early (Mark 15:44). Yes, in the Bible it literally says that Pilote was surprised he died so early. This should be your biggest clue. Jesus “died” much sooner than anyone thought he would. Based on his method of execution, it was simply too early for him to die. Jesus was on the cross for only 6 hours. From 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. Crucifixions could take up to 24 hours to kill someone. Not I get a lot of questions like “What about the spear? Wasn’t he stabbed with a spear?” Well yeah. In John 19:34 one of the soldiers pierced Jesus’ side with a spear, which drew some blood. But, it was just his side. It didn’t puncture and vital organs. Twas only a flesh wound. Plus, they wouldn’t have wanted him to die from a spear wound alone. The whole point of a crucifixion is to be slow and painful. There are arguments over what exactly causes death during a crucifixion, but the main two theories are gradual asphyxiation or gradual loss of fluids over time leading to organ failure. Now I can tell you there wasn’t much asphyxiation going on or Jesus wouldn’t have been able to scream that he was about to die. And 6 hours was usually not long enough to die of loss of fluids.  
So Pilote should have been surprised. Because Jesus was still alive. He was just acting dead. So how does Pilot verify he actually died? Check on him himself? Check Jesus’ pulse? Nope. The scientific things we do now were not commonly practiced back then. The only thing he did was ask the centurion (Mark 15:44). And of course, because he was a believer, and Jesus said he was going die then acted dead, the centurion said, “Yup he’s dead.” No those probably weren’t his exact words but the centurion did indeed confirm he was dea. That’s all the confirmation Pilot needed. And he gave the ownership of the body of Jesus completely over to Joseph of Arimathea.
So then Joseph took Jesus to a tomb. But not just any tomb. His tomb. Yes that’s right. A tomb he carved himself. Is it getting obvious yet? No one got to see the entire tomb. There could have easily been water to keep Jesus content for a few days. No need for food. Jesus was very experienced in fasting. He did 40 days, he could easily do 3.  
So after Jesus was put in the tomb, Pilote ordered the tomb to be guarded for 3 days because Jesus said He’d rise on the 3rd day. Well after 3 days, they left the tomb unguarded and Joseph or whoever else was in on the plan opened the tomb, and Jesus snuck over to Galilee in the middle of the night. When Mary Magdalene came to Jesus’ tomb in the morning the “man” or “angel” or “men” depending on which account you believe told her that Jesus had risen from the dead. It was literally the best magic trick in history and Jesus was the greatest actor and magician who ever lived.
Wow. Mind blown yet? Hopefully. But maybe you’re still skeptical. It’s one thing to hear about the story, but what if you were actually there to witness it. Even if you witnessed it but realized it was fake, the shear amazement that someone would go through those lengths to spread the truth would have to get you listening, right? Even if you were the biggest skeptic in the world, you might start getting an inkling that the truth might actually exist. Too bad Jesus isn’t around in modern time to do it again. The world needs the truth now more than ever. Religion is corrupted. Religion no longer brings peace and joy, only bigotry closed mindedness. It’s more obvious now than ever that the world is suffering. The world is in deep trouble, and it’s showing. Just look at the news.
Our mental and physical health is so terrible we became highly susceptible to a coronavirus. For some reason we blame this on the virus. Blaming a virus for you getting sick is like jumping in the cage of a tiger and blaming it for eating you. Let me rant for a little bit about COVID-19. This is what I think Jesus would say:
What if I told you viruses aren’t the issue? We are. What if I told you there’s a world out there where viruses, bacteria, and more complex life lived in perfect harmony, with no sickness? I want you to think of the amazon rainforest with so external influences. The pure natural amazon rainforest. Now I want you to imagine the tallest, most beautiful Dinizia tree you can think of. Don’t know what a Dinizia tree is? Just imagine a really cool big tree. Now imagine its life and the organisms it interacts with. In its natural state it lives symbiotically with fungi, plants, frogs, birds, monkeys, and all kinds of other life. Would it be the same tree without all this life around it? Could it stand alone? Maybe. But would it want to? Of course not. The tree is living harmoniously in one of the most beautiful ecosystems in the world. What if I told you we could be that tree? What if I told you in our natural state we interact symbiotically with viruses and bacteria with no issues? Let’s first talk about our natural biome and virome that we take for granted. Our first line of defense against disease is our skin. It’s the first stage of our immune system. On our skin we have millions of tiny microbes that live symbiotically with us, just as fungi live symbiotically on the roots of trees, helping them extract nutrients from the water and soil. How do our microbe friend help us? Well these microbes have been studied and it’s been shown that the skin ecosystem is much more complex than we think. The friendly bacteria on our skin actually alter the DNA of other more virulent microbes and actually make them less virulent. Yes, that’s right. Same bad bacteria, less likely to infect you. Virulent simply means likely to cause disease by the way. Good microbes also provide competition against bad microbes. The more good microbes we have on our body, the less likely we are to have bad ones. The biome is a commonly known thing but the virome is lesser known. We even have beneficial viruses on our skin. Research has shown that a higher diversity of certain non-virulent viruses decreases the probability of having certain virulent viruses on the skin. Bacteria and viruses are our friends, but we treat them like the enemies and ironically, it causes them to be the enemies. We kill off our friendly, disease fighting microbes and allow for an imbalance. We give the opportunity for bad microbes to flourish. The same goes with our gut microbes, which are arguably more important. We feel like we’re separate beings from these microbes but we’re not. They affect how we experience the world. There just as much a part of us as our minds. All of consciousness is one. They’ve actually done studies that should that gut bacteria can effect personality in mice. Yeah, not just physical health, mental health as well. They put unhealthy gut bacteria in mice and the mice had more anxiety. They took much more time to hop off a platform that the mice with healthy gut bacteria. Every bit of consciousness has an impact on how you experience consciousness because all consciousness it one. All consciousness is beautiful. All of consciousness can live in harmony. That’s it’s natural state. What really causes us to get sick? Well, we notice that some people get sick more often than others. In fact, we know that healthy people are less likely to get sick than unhealthy people. So why are we still blaming bacteria and viruses for disease? Why don’t we take responsibility for our health. Why haven’t we realized that the only possible way to get sick is through a fault somewhere in the immunes system? Just look at animals. Yes, disease happens. But in nature it’s far less likely than in society. Our health is terrible. We think getting sick a couple times per year is normal but it’s not. Our mental health is terrible. We have all this unnecessary stress caused by the ego. Our physical health is terrible. We put unnatural substances in and on our bodies. Our spiritual health is terrible which just amplifies our physical and mental health problems. We need to be careful because if our health continues to decline, these pandemics will become the norm.
Over past 6 months I’ve really worked on becoming healthier. I used to think that I was healthy simply because I was in shape. I was so wrong.  Last year I had a sore throat on and off for months. My allergies were terrible. My energy levels were low. I switched over to an anti-inflammatory, unprocessed diet and stopped putting any sort of unnatural chemicals on my body and I deepened my meditation practice. The results surprised me. I haven’t felt even the slightest cold coming on since. Back in march I took a trip to Vegas to film some YouTube content with some business partners. A few guys I was working with got sick near the end of the trip. The main guy got tested when he got home and guess what it was. Yup. COVID. I just kind of assumed I already had it. I spent a whole week right next to this guy in confined spaces. There was no way I wasn’t exposed to it. I could literally remember this guy accidentally spitting on me multiple times in conversation. I could remember being multiple times getting caught within range of his sneeze mist. So I had to have gotten sick right? Nope. Nothing. Everyone on that trip got sick. Not me. Now I don’t say this to brag. I say this to show you that when you’re in optimal health, sickness gets extremely rare. We need to focus less on combatting and avoiding the virus itself and simply work on our health because the average person’s health in western society right now is embarrassing. If only Jesus were here to forgive and free people from the illusion of death and improve their mental health. If only Jesus was here to get people to look within rather than playing victim to the external world. If only Jesus were here to tell his true teachings, not religions misinterpretations of them. Maybe he’d get people working on detaching their selves from the ego for the betterment of their mental health. Maybe he’d get people realizing that awakening will drastically improve every aspect of their health. Maybe he’d use a quote form Psalm 103:3 and tell people to find God within because
“He forgives all your iniquity; he heals all your diseases.”
Disease isn’t the only disaster in the world right now. In fact, the current chaos has made the world almost forget about COVID. The biggest mess in the world today is the Black Lives Matters protests. No don’t get me wrong, it should be obvious I’m against racism. I’m against any suffering of conscious beings. But these angry protests are a Band-Aid approach, just like western medicine. Sure, some reform might happen within the police force. Some cops might get longer sentences. But, the root problem won’t be solved. All angry protests do is further the separation of consciousness. There is no angry protest that will cure a bad cop. It won’t fix the evil within bad cops’ hearts. All this does is strengthen the cop’s ego, his false self. It increases the sense separation between him and the public. He feels like the public is the enemy. In the heat of the moment, he will still do terrible things. The external world cannot be changed in this way. It simply does not work. This is the fallacy of modern activism. People think getting angry and demanding change will cause change. It can only cause the illusion of change. The only way to truly make change happen is to look within and find your own true happiness. Once you do this, you can lead by example. The only to truly change someone else is for them to witness your energy. To see you are truly happy and yearn for it. Peaceful protests can work, but only if you emanate freedom from ego. Only if you truly do have peace in your heart. People respond to true happiness. Why would cops listen to angry protesters? Angry protesters aren’t happy. They have hate in their hearts as well. They are still controlled by ego. They still see themselves as separate. Would Jesus angrily protest? No. He would peacefully speak to the cops out of love. He would forgive them. He would realize that there’s a deeper entity within bad cops that is pure. It’s the evil of the ego that causes the corruption. It’s not the fault of the deeper entity. The consciousness within them is pure. It just needs to be uncovered. If only Jesus could be here to peacefully protest, like a 40 day fast. If only Jesus were here to tell people they must find the light within before the world can change. If only Jesus were here to tell people to
“First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.” (Mathew 23:26)        
In March of 2020, no one could have fathomed the chaos that would be the Black Lives Matters protests. What was becoming a reality, though, was COVID-19. What I thought was a dramatized media reaction that would quickly fade away turned into the most impactful world event of my life. I could never have imagined the government restricting me from the basic daily pleasures of going to a restaurant or playing golf. But here I was. Quarantined in my studio apartment in Los Angeles. I had too much free time. I had only a few different ways I could spend it. I could wait in line for 30 minutes and then finally get into the grocery store. I could work out with my newly purchased $700 home gym which was essentially a glorified set of resistance bands. I could chat with strangers on a video chat site called Omegle and make a YouTube video out of it. Or, I could sit there and meditate. The latter was how I spent the majority of my time. I meditated up to 5 hours every day. It would soon pay off. I was worried about the world though. It seemed like it could slip into complete chaos at any moment. Even though I knew COVID-19 was a real thing, it pained me to know how easily it could be avoided if we all were focused on our true health rather than this false pursuit of happiness.
This would be a great time for Jesus to come back and save the world. So much of the world could benefit from his teachings. The world was approaching one of the most chaotic times in history and it was just getting started. Suicide rates were increasing. Child molestation rates were increasing. Domestic violence rates were increasing. You could say it was because people were cooped up in their homes, but that is only the indirect cause. It’s not the root of the issue. The root of the issue is the lack of realization of one’s true nature. The attachment to negative thought and emotions. The ego. Of course people were suffering. I’ll use the tree example again. Imagine you were a leaf and that’s all you knew you were. A kid comes by and tapes you around a branch. Now you’re restricted. You suffer. You long for the days when you were a free leaf swaying in the breeze. How could you not suffer? This suffering diminishes, though, once you realize you’re the tree. The tree laughs at the fact that his leaf has been taped to his branch. The tree’s happiness is undying. No matter what happens to the tree’s leaves, it will always be content. The issue is, almost all of the world is tricked into believing it’s just a leaf. Its awareness is so narrow it can’t see beyond that reality. It’s a prisoner to the ego. Society needs to be bailed out of this mental prison. Only the truth can set it free.
Society needs spirituality. It needs God. It needs freedom from mental suffering. It needs to be free of ego. It needs to be free from the illusion of death. Even if Jesus was here in modern day, how could he possibly pull it off? Now he’d have to go about it much differently. He couldn’t do the exact same stunt he did 2000 years ago. In modern day there’s no crucifixion. In modern day we actually check pulses to confirm people are dead, not just take people’s word for it. In modern day I would suggest using social media since you could impact a lot more people that way and the truth could spread extremely quickly.
Wait. Hold on a minute. Jesus was just a human. He was a simply a spiritual teacher. But what made Jesus so influential? Well, he found the truth. He found God. He was enlightened. He achieved a higher level of consciousness than the average person. He realized all consciousness was one. He realized we are all part of this collective consciousness. We are all sons of God. So on a deeper level I guess you could say we all are Jesus. On the human level we can all have what Jesus had. We can all live how Jesus lived. So… no… there’s no way…    
I had an epiphany. A moment of complete clarity. An incredible realization. A truth that just popped up from somewhere deep within me. It was difficult to even call it my thought. It didn’t seem life my thought. It didn’t seem like a normal thought of the ego. It felt like it came from someplace beyond the mind and my mind just put it into words. Here were those words:
Anyone could be the next Jesus.
Wow. Yeah. I get it. That sounds crazy. But, if I actually believe what I’ve discovered, and I actually believe that Jesus was human, what’s keeping someone from being the next Jesus? What’s keeping someone from spreading the truth and bringing peach and joy to the world? Well, there are a couple things. First of all the next Jesus would have to be enlightened. At this point in time I simply thought enlightenment was complete freedom from the self and true knowing of the truth of the universe, true, firsthand knowledge of the idea of oneness, that we are God, the collective consciousness. Now I realize enlightenment goes deeper than that, but it’s the next step in the process. A better word for this would be “awakening.” I should start using that word. Let’s define “awakened” as the firsthand experience and true realization of the freedom from the self and perception of the collective consciousness. Unfortunately at this point in time, I definitely wasn’t awakened, let alone enlightened. I believed in the concept of oneness and the freedom from the self on an intellectual level. I truly believed people such as Jesus, Buddha, Eckhart Tolle, and many other spiritual teachers have gotten there. But, I didn’t know it on the level of experience. I didn’t truly know what it felt like. I didn’t have the total realization of the true meaning. Well, looks like it’s not me. I’m definitely not the next Jesus. But, there are a lot of enlightened people in the world I believed. Why haven’t they made the impact Jesus had? Yes, Eckhart Tolle has shook up a good chunk of the world but nothing compared to the massive earthquake that was Jesus. What would it take for them to be the next Jesus? Well, to be quite frank it would take a whole lot of balls. The issue with speaking the truth and that’s it is that it only draws in a certain crowd. Eckhart’s following were already into spirituality before they found his teachings, or at the very least into self-development. Now there’s no doubt many of these people benefited from his teachings. Many of these people got to the next level. Many of these people are surely awakened. But, it was clear they were always on the right path. Jesus was different in the sense that he converted people who were nowhere near the path. Sinners saw the power of God within Jesus and changed their ways. If Jesus had simply spread the truth without performing his “miracles,” it wouldn’t have gotten him too far. That’s the difference between Jesus and Eckhart Tolle. The only real difference, in fact. Jesus pulled off these incredible stunts to show the power of what he’d found within, and also to increase is popularity and credibility. This was not a venture of the ego of course. Jesus simply wanted to be popular so the truth could spread, not because he sought external validation. He had all the validation from within he needed.
So what would it really take for someone to become the next Jesus?        
Well first it would take an overwhelming sense of purpose to share the truth they had found. It would take an overwhelming desire to make the world a better place. It would also take the intellect to plan out and execute some stunts that would get people’s attention. It would take even more brainpower to cultivate the most meaningful message possible behind these stunts. It would take some incredible bravery to actually go through with these stunts and spread the message because, like in the story of Jesus, some people wouldn’t be happy about it. It would take some luck to have these stunt go viral and reach a lot of people. It would essentially take a “miracle.” But, that’s what Jesus accomplished, right? “Miracles.”  
Damn, I thought. If only I was awakened. If only I knew the truth on the deepest level. I would totally try to make this happen. I wanted the world to change more than anyone. At this moment I was still pretty depressed. I wanted the world to be truly happy. I wanted my family to be truly happy. I wanted evil to go away. I wanted suffering to end.  Too bad I hadn’t even figured out how to end my own suffering. I was way off from helping the world. But man. I also loved making viral YouTube content. That was my job. And I was good at it. I could have definitely thought of the craziest stunt out there. I had always joked to my friends about faking my death for the internet. I had never seriously considered it, but man, I thought, if I could pull that off somehow without the world hating me for it, I’d sure gain some new popularity to which I could spread whatever good message I want to spread. I thought probably would be a good idea to tell my friends and family though. I wouldn’t have wanted to worry them. 2.5 million Subscribers was a pretty big number. I would definitely make an impact if I went through with a crazy stunt. I truly believed I could have a positive impact on the world. I thought man, if only I was awakened. Wait…
I was thinking to myself as if it were impossible. I had never even considered the possibility that I could become awakened. Isn’t that like 1 in 10,000,000? But people make it. People definitely get there. I decided to look into this more. How much of the world has actually woken up? How much of the world as realized it’s possible to wake up? How many people have reached the first step? How many people realize they’re asleep?
As I looked into this more I realized there wasn’t just a handful of awakened people around the world. There were literally millions. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. There’s a whole YouTube niche for this stuff. Spiritual teachers with hundreds of thousands of subscribers. After watching a few videos, it was clear to me that these teachers had awakened. There’s no way they could be speaking about such an unknown concept with such confidence and eloquence. These videos had millions of views. Millions of people have at least taken the first step. Millions of people have at least understood awakening on an intellectual level. I found Eckhart Tolle’s YouTube channel. I couldn’t believe how many people watch it. He had over 900k subscribers. I had no idea his fan base was that big. I had no idea this truth had spread to so many people. By just checking out the comment section it was clear that many of his followers had awakened. “Thank you for helping me with my spiritual awakening,” they’d say. No of course, there’s no way to know for sure if they were actually awakened, but it didn’t matter. It was enough motivation for me. What seemed like some unobtainable goal that only devout Buddhists reach, I started to believe was actually possible? What if I could actually experience this? What if I could actually awaken? What if I uncovered the true knowledge and was able to spread it to the world? What if I thought up the most mind-blowing YouTube stunt of all time to spread it? What if I could start to awaken other people and change the world? What if I could actually tell the modern day story of Jesus?  I had some work to do…          
The first thing I did was optimize my health. Not for my physique or my looks, but for my true health. I had come to the realization that all health is connected, mental, spiritual and physical. Yes, the goal is perfect spiritual health because theoretically that would give me the best chance at awakening, but I knew good mental and physical health would help me get there. Over the next few months I started creating a model. A model for good overall health. With the help of some self-experimentation and a lot of research, I started to figure things out. But, it ended up not being nearly as complicated as I originally thought. I started realizing the key to health was simply getting back to your natural state. This made so much sense. The collective conscious is our natural state. And it’s clear that the ego, the one thing holding us back, is created from the society we live in. Animals don’t have ego. Monkeys don’t have ego. The first human’s didn’t have ego. I just had to start thinking like the first ever humans. What would they do? What would they eat? They couldn’t have used all this harmful technology today. They could only interact with what the earth gave them. And they weren’t just spiritually healthier, they were physically healthier as well. There’s a myth out there that our ancestors only lived to be 30. This is a misconception. This number was the average lifespan including infant mortality. The truth is that our ancestors lived just as long if not longer even without all the band aids of modern western medicine. Our ancestors were truly healthy. The average elderly person is alive today, but they’re not truly healthy. They’re kept alive by the band aids of western medicine. The average 70 year old can barely walk and is taking a dozen different medications. This isn’t true health. Our 70 year old ancestors were alive and well. They were mobile. They were functional. Analysis of bone density and tendon quality has shown that our 70 year old ancestors were much healthier our 70 years old today. It was so clear to me where true health comes from. It comes from getting back to your natural state. Animals live happy lives in the wild. They live happy, natural lives in the wild until the day they die. Why have we gotten away from that? The issue is we think aspects of health are disconnected. We think we can fix someone’s mental health distinctly without worrying about they’re physical health. This is simply not how health works.
Most people think of health, happiness, and spirituality as separate. But I have come to realize they are very connected. True health and happiness that is. Sometimes the ego or false self can give off the illusion of happiness and western medicine can give off the illusion of health, but true happiness and health go hand in hand.
I’m about to give you a model that simultaneously can increase your true happiness, mental and physical health, and spiritual fulfillment. It’s the ultimate quick guide on how to live your life. It’s the guide I’ve used to reach true happiness and health. Mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Each one of these aspects of life is far more changeable than we think. For example, research has now shown that it’s possible to actually reverse our epigenetic, or biological age. Now while we probably can’t reverse age forever, at least not with our current understanding of the world, it’s truly possible to drastically slow down the aging process and feel younger and healthier.
Also, many mental health conditions can be solved completely naturally. Mental health is a fast growing problem in society today. And there’s a reason the issue is increasing. Modern society creates an unnatural and toxic environment for human health. Unnatural societal constructs and our attachment to them cause extreme amounts of unnecessary mental stress.
When you start working on your physical health, happiness, and spirituality, you’ll realize the attachment you have to problems and negative emotions can disappear, and the ego starts to weaken.
So to make things simple and because all the aspects I mentioned earlier go hand in hand (as one increases so do the others and vice versa) we can think of all aspects of health as one entity. So let’s call the combination of the mental and physical health, happiness, and spirituality as simply health. And we’ll call the antagonist of health as “stress” simply because you’ll find that anything that decreases any aspect of health is due to some type of chronic stress. Scientifically, the chronic release of cortisol. When health is high enough and stress is low enough, your epigenetic age can reverse at least temporarily and depression and anxiety can be alleviated. Extremely high health and extremely slow stress is also the path to spiritual enlightenment.
There’s a reason why Buddhist monks, some of the most spiritually practiced people in the world, are also the healthiest. They are able to eliminate most mental stress through spiritual practice. They also live a more natural physical lifestyle. As a result, they’re considered some of the happiest people and also live much longer than the average person. Each aspect of health is connected.
From a spiritual standpoint, the buildup of mental stress is what fuels the ego, or false self. And bad physical health can cause chemical brain imbalances that can worsen bad mental health. In the opposite direction, spiritual practice can decrease mental stress which can improve physical health. You’ll find that health works like a feedback loop. Increasing health in one area increases it in the others and in turn increases it even more in the first area. You just have to make sure the feedback loop is working in the right direction, and you’ll be moving toward true health and happiness, free from stress.
What we don’t realize is almost everything we do in society today causes unnecessary chronic stress. The key is to limit chronic stress as much as we can. Now I encourage you not to trust me. Health is something that’s very personal. Only you can be the judge of your own true health. I do encourage you to just pay attention and experiment to become the best version of yourself. I do want to show you though, what’s worked for me.
My key to health and happiness is to think about what’s natural. Animals who live in the wild including early humans were truly healthy and happy. It’s the unnatural lifestyle our society has encouraged that’s the cause of our unhealthiness and unhappiness. Some technology can be used to improve our health, but only if it mimics natural phenomena. Most technology has wreaked havoc on human health and happiness. Also, spiritual awakening is all about getting back to our natural state. The unnaturalness of society has caused the development of the ego which has covered up our true nature. The closer we can get back to our natural state, the easier for our deep seated truths to manifest. So my plan is simple: avoid unnatural products and behaviors and indulge in natural products and behaviors.  
So let me list off some stress increasing things I try to avoid or limit starting with the physical:
Again, each of these physical things will have an effect on mental and spiritual health as well.
-inflammatory and processed foods
The typical Western diet causes chronic inflammation. Chronic inflammation affects essentially every system in the body. Inflammation over a long enough period of time will cause damage to cells leading to diseases such as heart disease and cancer. Chronic inflammation has also been closely linked to depression. Chronic inflammation shouldn’t be confused with acute inflammation caused from healthy activities such as exercises. This short term inflammation is beneficial. It helps the body adapt. Process foods are simply not natural. We didn’t evolve to eat processed foods. Processed foods trick our senses into consuming edible products that aren’t meant for us to be eaten. This causes us to ingest harmful substances that lead to inflammation and an imbalance of hormones. You’ll find that without processing foods, there would be no unhealthy eating. You’re only drawn to foods such as red meat, pastries, candy, and soda because each food or the ingredients within each food are out of their natural state. If the ingredients were in their natural state, you wouldn’t touch them. Even red meat must be cooked and seasoned for you to eat it. So what foods should you be eating? Up until today science still hasn’t agreed on the optimal healthy diet for humans. Scientific studies lead to a new fad diet almost every year. What if I told you we already knew exactly what we should be eating? The only thing that makes eating complicated is the processing of food. If we stopped processing food all together, the answer would become simple. Animals live healthy, full lives in the wild because they’re food isn’t processed. They simply eat what their instincts tell them to eat. The issue in society today is that processing food tricks our instincts. Do this exercise to figure out the right diet for you. Put absolutely and food you want on your kitchen table for you to choose from. The only catch is that the food can’t be processed in any way. For this exercise, this even means cooking. Cooking is a type of processing that wasn’t available to the earliest of humans (at least definitely not all forms of cooking). Let’s look at fruit, vegetables, nuts and seeds, beans and legumes, grains, and meat. Out of all those options in their natural form which would you eat? Personally, I’d go for the fruit. It’s the tastiest and easiest to eat. After that I’d go for the vegetables. They’re relatively tasty and only a little tougher to eat. After that, I’d probably go for the nuts and seeds.A little bland but still easy to eat and very filling and calorie dense. Great for survival. Now here’s where I get a little hesitant. Dried beans and legumes? Well sure I guess. I’d have to let them sit in my mouth for a while to break them down, but it’s doable. No my favorite though. Same thing with the grains. Rice is hard and crunchy and not fun to eat. Now how about the meat? Well remember, the meat is in its natural state, so if there’s not a live chicken or cow there you didn’t do this experiment right.The point is killing an animal for food is a ton of work. You’ll find if you do the research that our ancestors were actually mostly vegetarian. There was no need to go through the dangerous and energy experding act of hunting an animal when there were other sources of food much more easily obtainable. So for me, my diet mostly consists of fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds.  
-breathing polluted air
Pollution is a fast growing issue throughout most of the world. Now they even have a calculator that converts the smog in the air to the equivalent amount of cigarettes. On an average day in Los Angeles, spending a few hours outdoors is equivalent to about one-third of a cigarette. I don’t have to explain how this is bad for your health and completely unnatural. Ideally you would move to a less polluted environment, but that’s not practical for most people. One practical thing you can do is spend most of your time outdoors in nature. Trees and plants absorb pollutant gasses, essentially filtering them from the air. This is also a reason we should strive as a society to maintain natural ecosystems. Breathing exercises can also help your lungs become more efficient at taking in oxygen and not allowing stale, polluted air to remain trapped in them. I’ll talk more about breathing exercises later in this guide.  
-Electromagnetic frequencies (EMFs) such as cell phone and wifi waves
This is something we haven’t been taking seriously. We’re all so addicted to our electronics we don’t want to look into the fact that they could be harming us. Our bodies are electrical as well as physical. We have positive and negative charges running within us at all times.EMFs can disrupt our natural electricity and have damaging effects on our nervous system. I’ll talk more about proactive approaches to reducing EMFs later in this guide, but here are a couple easy ways to limit them: Turn off your wifi when you’re not using it. Turn off your cell phone service at night. And talk on the phone with headphones or on speaker. Don’t touch your phone to your head.  
-unnatural chemical skin products
This includes anything from soaps, shampoos, lotions, makeup, and anything else you put on your skin. The skin is like a sponge. It’s porous and absorbs everything you put on your skin to an extent. Chemicals in these products such as Parabens, Formaldehyde, Beta hydroxy acid (BHA), Phthalates, and Sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS) have been linked to various health issues such as cancer. I stopped putting literally anything on my body except the occasionally deodorant made up of natural essential oils. I wouldn’t put anything on my skin that I wouldn’t put in my mouth.
-fluoride in drinking water and toothpaste
Fluoride accumulates in the body and leads to calcification of tissues such as the bones and the pineal gland. On a spiritual journey the pineal gland is the most important organ. In spiritual terms, activating the pineal gland is equivalent to opening your third eye. Most pineal glands calcify with age due to excess calcium and fluoride and lack of magnesium and iodine. The pineal gland is also associated with intelligence. With a fully functioning pineal gland you’re much more likely to have moments of insight and epiphany whether it be of spiritual knowledge or simply earthly knowledge. I never drink water unless it’s bottled water or it’s filtered by a filter that I know filters fluoride. I also only use fluoride free, natural toothpaste.
-Lack of sunlight
The sun is our best source of vitamin D. When your skin is exposed to the sun, it creates vitamin D in your body. Vitamin D deficiency is one of if not the most common vitamin deficiency in the United States. Estimates show over 40% of Americans are deficient. We simply don’t get enough sun. We’ve been led to believe that sun exposure causes cancer. While yes, too much of anything isn’t good for you, the average American gets way less sun than they should. Early humans were in the sun for hours everyday and while I acknowledge the sun is more intense because of the thinning of the ozone layer, 30 minutes per day in the sun can only be beneficial. And it’s not only vitamin D that the sun affects. Sunlight has been shown to alter DNA methylation patterns. Epigenetic changes like this affect what genes are expressed. This shows that the proper amount of sun exposure is far more important than what society leads us to believe.  
-vitamin deficiencies
I believe all vitamin deficiencies can be cured through a proper diet with the exceptions of vegans needing vitamin b12.This doesn’t mean veganism isn’t natural and healthy. Vitamin b12 is found in soil bacteria that used to be found on the plants we ate as early humans. Because of modern agriculture, this is no longer the case. Vitamin supplements should be used with caution. Too much of a vitamin can be nearly as bad as too little. Too much vitamin C and E can alter our natural anti oxidant production. Too much calcium can lead to calcification of the arteries and the pineal gland. The diet should be our primary source of our vitamins and supplements should only be taken if completely necessary. If you were to take any vitamins, I would recommend vitamin D if you're not getting outdoors enough (don’t let this substitute sunlight though because sunlight turns on many different epigenetic switches). I would also recommend magnesium and iodine to help reverse calcification. A proper diet without artificial calcium supplements or added calcium in food should keep your calcium:magnesium ratio in check, though. I would also recommend turmeric to lower inflammation and ashwagandha to improve your stress response. Both have been shown to reduce cortisol.  
-essentially anything unnatural
Before you put anything in or on your body ask yourself, “Is this natural?” Before engaging in a typical daily activity ask yourself, “Would early humans be doing this?” Now obviously we live in a society today where being completely natural is off the table. The goal is to simply be aware. So many people are completely unconscious about how unnatural and unhealthy they’ve become. If you’re aware of what you consume and what you do, you’ll naturally make better choices. Remember, you don’t have to change everything at once. Small steps will set off the positive health feedback loop and make a huge difference in the long run.  
Now for mental stresses.
Again each of these mental things will have an effect of physical and spiritual health as well:
These mental stresses are unnatural mental processes created by the ego. These are tougher to fix, but arguably more important.
-insecurities
Insecurities are one of our biggest sources of suffering. They’re created by the ego, the psychological construct that makes us feel separate. When we feel like all we are is our body and mind, we suffer when that body and mind aren’t exactly how we’d like them to be. The key is to recognize the negative thought of insecurity and the emotion that comes with it as simply an appearance in consciousness. Gradually you’ll become less connected to this phenomenon. Also, if your insecurity is something you can work on, by all means work on it and long as working on it doesn’t bring about more suffering or feed more into the program of the ego. Just realize that true happiness cannot come from anything external. It cannot come from the appearance of your physical form or from the mental construct of external validation. Happiness can only come from finding your true self.
-Restricted thought and close mindedness
Closed mindedness is the biggest hindrance in the evolution of consciousness. Everyone thinks they have a full understanding of the universe because of this thing we call science. Closed mindedness makes us lose our childlike sense of wonder and leaves us feeling numb. Closed mindedness also feeds the ego. Real entities do not change, and the ego tricks you into believing it’s a real entity by resisting change. This is why many find it difficult to change beliefs or opinions. You’ll find that questioning every belief you have and critically thinking all your ideas through will weaken the ego dramatically.
-Hatred towards the self or others
Any hatred in your heart is not only bringing unnecessary mental stress, but it’s also hindering the expansion of your consciousness. Hatred is focusing your attention on falsehoods. It’s training your awareness to latch onto objects that aren’t your true nature. When you focus your attention on the truth, only love can grow. The true self is pure, unconditional love. The true self is within every being on this planet. Reaching a higher level of consciousness comes with having unconditional love for every human regardless of their behavior.
-putting up a false front, and not expressing what you want to express
In almost every social setting we tend to put up what I like to call a false front. No matter who we interact with there is some kind of filter. We are always hiding something. This is extremely mentally taxing. We’re limiting what we express, and everytime we do this it causes cortisol to be released. It’s acting out of fear, not love, and encourages false ideas such as duality. The more we hide the more we feel separate from everything else.
-dishonesty
Dishonesty causes a large amount of mental stress as well. Everytime you lie, you’re forced to keep up with that lie. This adds a background layer of unnecessary mental stress. Much of the time, lying also goes against your conscience which causes mental suffering as well.
-anything that goes against your conscious such as anything that causes harm to others
There’s a reason why Jesus said to treat others the way you would like to be treated. We are all simply fragments of the one creator. All of consciousness is one. It only makes sense to treat others as yourself because on the most fundamental level they are yourself. Harming others goes against your conscious and causes mental stress that most of us aren’t even aware of. This stress can carry on for years and can be detrimental to our health. This is why Jesus discouraged the concept of sinning.
-Fear of death
As I talked about earlier in this book, the fear of death is the root cause of every fear. This fear plays a part in almost every stressful thought you experience. There’s not a single other concept that increases stress more, yet we don’t realize it’s the root cause. This concept is a tricky one. The previous concepts are all things you can work on to get closer to awakening. Yet awakening must happen before you can be truly free of the fear of death.  
Now let’s talk about the positive physical things I work on.
Each of these things will increase mental and spiritual health as well.
-physical exercise
The right amount of physical exercise is great for the body, but there must be a balance. Too much muscle puts extra stress on the heart. Too little muscle does the same. This concept can be applied to cardio as well. Cardio is great for a healthy heart and blood circulation, but when taken to extreme cardio has actually been shown to be damaging to the heart. The key to physical exercise is to find the right balance. For cardio I simply remain active throughout my daily life. I choose the stairs over the elevator. I walk to nearby places instead of driving. I partake in outdoor activities I enjoy such as golfing. For resistance training I do resistance band work because it’s healthier on the joints. Everyday I do three sets of chest press, three sets of rows, and three sets of squats. Yoga is a great form of exercise that you can’t overdo. It can increase muscle tone and improve cardiovascular health. It can also be used as a mindfulness practice like meditation by concentrating on your breath and the movements of your body.  
-breathing exercises
Like I mentioned earlier in this guide, breathing exercises are a great way to optimize your lungs to combat pollution. They have some other great benefits as well. The breathing exercise I like to do is called the Wim Hoff breathing method. This method consists of taking in 30 extremely deep breaths sequentially, exhaling and holding your breath for as long as you can, and then taking in one last giant breath and holding it for 10 seconds. This process is repeated 3 times in total. This breathing exercise greatly improves blood and oxygen circulation in the body and strengthens the immune system. Humans naturally breathe deeply which is best for our cardiovascular and overall health. Environmental stresses such as pollution and mental stresses such as anxiety have caused shallow breathing in much of the population. Breathing exercises and even conscious breathing alone helps discourage this type of unhealthy breathing.
-quality sleep
I don’t have to do too much explaining here. We all know sleep is extremely important for our health. It affects essentially every system in our body. What most people don’t understand is that the quality of sleep has just as much impact on our health as the quantity of sleep. There are two basic types of sleep: REM sleep and deep sleep. If your quality of sleep isn’t good, you’re probably not getting a sufficient amount of deep sleep. During deep sleep your cells are regenerated, your tissues are repaired, and your immune system is boosted. To make sure your quality of sleep is good you should try to reduce your stress, stop using electronics an hour before bed, make sure your room is completely dark, make sure the temperature in the room is on the cool side, and meditate before bed.    
-Fasting
Ok 40 days of fasting might be a little extreme, but then again I’m not doing it for my physical health. Occasional one to three day fasts on the other hand can be extremely beneficial. If you’re not up for that, simply doing intermittent fasting daily has a ton of health benefits. Fasting reduces insulin resistance, reduces inflammation, improves brain function, improves blood pressure, boosts metabolism, and increases growth hormone secretion. It also increases this cool little thing known as autophagy which is the killing off of old damaged cells and the regeneration of new ones. Fasting for 72 hours can reset your entire immune system. The old damaged cells that autophagy kills off are also the ones more likely to develop into cancer.
-wearing EMF protection
Earlier in this guide I talked about why limiting your EMF exposure is important. An easy way to do it is to wear copper jewelry. Copper has been shown to absorb EMF waves and prevent most of them from entering your body. I wear a pendant everyday that’s made of copper and other minerals that help block EMFs. In fact, I never take it off. You can also get EMF blocking stickers to put on your phone and computer. These stickers contain negative ions that block the incoming EMF waves. Many people claim these don’t work, but many of these EMF blocking companies have done studies that say otherwise. Also, come one, these stickers can be as cheap as $1 a piece. Does it hurt to try them out?
-good posture
Good posture can benefit us more than we think. It can improve our blood circulation, improve our digestion, and reduce muscle and joint pain. You knew good spine posture was important but what about tongue posture? That’s right. There’s a correct tongue posture. Applying correct tongue posture is commonly referred to as mewing. The idea is to put the entire tongue on the roof of the mouth, even the back of the tongue. This can seem extremely uncomfortable at first, but it’s actually our natural tongue posture. The unnatural environment we grow up in has us adopting an incorrect tongue posture from an early age. The increasing occurrence of allergies in kids lead to mouth breathing which makes keeping the tongue on the roof of your mouth impossible. Mewing has not only been shown to positively improve face shape over time but it’s also said to stimulate the nerves around the pineal gland which is great for spiritual health.  
-anything else physically relaxing
Anything you can do that feels relaxing, go for it. If it’s relaxing, it’s reducing stress. If you’re reducing stress, you’re becoming healthier. Some other physical stress reducing things include massages, acupuncture, saunaing, dancing, singing, or any relaxing hobby that you enjoy.
Now let’s talk about the positive mental things I like to do. These are part of the pure human experience and free from attachment to the ego or false self.
-Self expression and honesty
Expression is the antithesis of depression. You’ll find a large part of depression comes from us not expressing what we want to express. We’re hiding what we’re feeling. We aren’t honest about what we really think. We want to sing along to a song or dance at a party but our insecurities hold us back. We become paralyzed by fear. Expressing yourself how you want to is one of the greatest antidepressants. It’s also incredibly confidence boosting. The only reason we don’t express what we want is out of fear. Confidence is simply the lack of fear. All fear originates from our survival mechanism. Essentially, all fear is to keep us from dying. All fear stems from the fear of death. But many things that could kill us in ancient times simply don’t have that power in the relatively safe society we live in today. For example, many people are socially anxious because in tribal times your social status was linked to your survival. The higher up on the social ladder the more access to food and shelter you had. This isn’t the case in society today, so the fear of social anxiety is outdated. How do you conquer this fear? Well it isn’t enough for your brain to know this. You have to prove it to your mind through experience. Gradually do things out of your comfort zone and soon you’ll expand your confidence zone and shrink your fear zone. Throughout the process you’ll find yourself expressing more of what you want to express. There’s one caveat to self expression though. You can do and say literally anything you want as long as it follows the golden rule: treat others the way you would like to be treated. If you keep that rule in mind, you can truly say or do anything you want in life.  
-self improvement
Congratulations. You’re reading this book, so you’re already on the self improvement path. Here’s the funny thing about self improvement. People that get into self improvement do so because they want to improve the false self, the only self they know. What happens when they get deep into the self improvement process is that they optimize their physical form and mental state to experience the truth which annihilates the false self. The self they were trying to improve is actually destroyed by this process. Pretty ironic, huh? It’s nothing to fear though. The best part of the self improvement process is when the self disappears entirely.
-open minded, philosophical thought and insight
Awakening is really just opening your mind. Open mindedness is the antithesis of the ego. The ego is programmed to make your thoughts restricted. Opening your mind starts to cause this program to glitch. Allow yourself to question everything, even science. Remember, science has been wrong before and science has always been limited. The key to being open minded is to never trust anything 100% unless you experience it. Take every piece of external knowledge as simply clues to find the truth. Never take any external knowledge as gospel. You’ll find the true knowledge comes from true insight within, not externally.  
-self love
There are two basic ways you can operate in life: out of fear, and out of love. Acting out of fear reinforces the concept of the ego and holds you back from your true nature. Acting out of love detaches yourself from this psychological construct and brings you closer to your true self. Remember, we are all the collective consciousness. All love is actually just self love. When it comes to any action you’re going to make ask yourself, “Am I operating out of fear or love?”
-sharing true knowledge
Sharing the truth is one of the most fulfilling acts you can possibly partake in. Everything about it feels so right. Sharing the truth is allowing the natural evolution of consciousness to take place. It helps the world wake up. Even if you just share the truth with one person, the energy has an exponential effect. You’ll find sharing the truth not only benefits the person you share it with, but it also benefits you. Well, that’s obviously true because of the collective consciousness, but benefits your mind. The more you discuss the truth the stronger the truth becomes in your mind and the more truths your start to uncover.
-helping others
Helping others encourages the concept of love. You’ll find that helping others improves your mental health. After you help others you’ll feel a type of energy. Notice how you feel after you’re done helping others. This energy is love. Love is incredibly powerful and it’s contagious. Act out of love and the love will be returned to you even stronger.
-engaging in your purpose and passions
Create a life for yourself where you’re doing the things you want to do, not limiting the things you don’t want to do. At a higher level of consciousness, every experience can be a positive one, but before that, unfavorable activities lower your vibrations, cause mental stress, and reinforce the ego. The more you can spend time doing the activities you love, the more peaceful your mind will become.
-non-judgmental human to human interactions
This is an incredible way to discourage the idea of separateness. Judgment from others is the primary mechanism that ignites the ego and hides the reality of oneness. It’s the cause of all insecurities. On the bright side, a completely non judgmental human to human interacting can cause the egos of both parties to dissolve. At the deepest level of non-judgement, both humans can fully express whatever they want to express without fear. It becomes no different than if they were by themselves. In this perfect scenario they can act as if they were by themselves, but yet they are interacting with another person. This causes the illusion of separateness to fade. This is the state the entire world will be in when humanity as a whole awakens.  
-anything else mentally relaxing
You’ll find the same activities that are physically relaxing are also mentally relaxing as well. This is yet another example of how all areas of health are connected. The more time you can spend doing relaxing activities, the better your physical and mental health.
-and of course spiritual practice such as meditation.
I think by now we’ve already realized how important meditation is for our mental, physical, and spiritual health. Out of all these habits, meditation has to be number one. There’s nothing more powerful yet so simple as just being aware and paying attention to experience.
But guys. Again, don’t trust me. Find this out for yourself. This is the essence of the self-improvement process. Try things out and see how they affect you. Doing or not doing any of these things will improve your health. You get to decide which to try. You can tackle the physical, mental, or spiritual. It doesn’t matter which aspect you start with. Because they are all connected. It just matters that you start. I’m positive that if you truly embrace this model, soon you will be happier, healthier, and closer to spiritual enlightenment.
Well cool, I embraced my model for overall health and I could feel it working. Every week I started to feel better and better mentally, physical, and spiritually. I felt like I had more energy while I was working out, my mood became higher, and I had more alertness when I meditated. This was a great first step, but I had a lot more work to do if I wanted to awaken. I needed some extra help. I decided to do some more research about this psychological concept called the ego.
I realized that the ego isn’t necessarily an illusion per say. Our attachment with it is. Our identification with it is. But the ego is way more tangible than I had originally thought. Scientists have actually located the neurobiological ego in our brain. It’s called the default mode network (DMN). This is a brain network of interacting brain regions that have high activity with each other but are distinct from other networks in the brain. No way, I thought. If this is the case, then one day, we should be able to hook up our brains to a machine and temporarily shut off the DMN. Everyone will have the opportunity to experience the death of the ego.
I want to quickly point out the difference between ego death and awakening. Ego death is the temporary experience of the freedom from self and the experience of pure consciousness. Awakening is the realization and perception of our true nature, the collective consciousness within us and the freedom from the self in day to day life. You’ll find it’s possible to have an ego death without being awakened. Some people can experience ego but aren’t able to solidify that experience and incorporate it into normal life. These temporary experiences are called glimpses. Awakening always comes with or after glimpses, but glimpses don’t always come with awakening. To fully awaken you must have glimpses followed by realizations. But regardless, it’s important to weaken the DMN. This increases the chances of both of these experiences.
So there are many ways to decrease the DMN. The top one being meditation. Awesome, I thought. I’m already doing that. I can see why it’s so beneficial now. Acupuncture has also been shown to decrease DMN connectivity due to the pain response. Interesting, I thought. That one doesn’t seem too important but maybe I’ll try it out. The DMN also decreases in connectivity during sleep. Wow, I thought. Your ego turns off when you sleep. Maybe that has something to do with how dreams work.
Now I realize there are fun ways to take advantage of this temporary lapse in the DMN. There’s this phenomenon called astral projection. I used to think it was a myth until I read the spirituality subedit where hundreds of people were claiming to do it. Well, I tried it out and yes, it’s very real.
Astral projection is essentially throwing yourself directly into a lucid dream. Spiritual people will call this the astral realm but that might discourage the average person from trying so let’s just call it a lucid dream. The idea is to remain aware as you’re falling asleep. You allow the body to sleep, but the mind to stay awake. Experienced meditators will be able to do this much more easily. You’ll find that this can be difficult at night when the mind is tired, but can be much easier in the morning when the mind is fresh. If you’re serious about making this happen, I recommend waking up two hours before you normally would and trying it then. So what happens? Well, and you’re body falls asleep and your mind stays awake you go into a type of sleep paralysis. Your body can’t move. This always happens while you sleep to keep you from acting out your dreams. You just usually aren’t aware of it. This can be kind of scary for first time astral projectors but trust me, there’s nothing to worry about. Now when you get to this state, the idea is to try and mentally get up and walk right out of your body. Because you’re in a dream state this is possible. You don’t actually get up. Your body stays paralyzed in bed. But if you do this correctly, your consciousness will be in a more subtle, more dreamlike body standing in the room you fell asleep in. This is essentially just a dream for all you scientists out there. But, since you were aware throughout the entire process, it’s lucid. You know you’re dreaming, and the fun begins. This is a great tool to help you realize you’re more than just the physical body. Yes, scientists will always argue that any sort of higher consciousness could simply be a “hallucination.” I hate that word because hallucinations simply don’t exist. “Hallucination” is just a word to describe and experience that doesn’t fit with the reality of the diagnoser of said “hallucination.” But who’s to say the diagnoser’s reality is the actual “reality.” The only way to know the reality of higher levels of consciousness is to experience them. That’s why we’re talking about decreasing DMN connectivity.  
So finally, some of the most powerful DMN connectivity reducing substances, which I would soon become very familiar with : psychedelic substances such as psilocybin and LSD.  
It was early 2020 when a man named Sam Harris came into my life. I haven't actually met him in person, but his impact was profound nonetheless. Sam Harris is a neuroscientist, philosopher, and author of a book I still haven’t read, but can confidently say I know better than almost anyone, “Waking Up.” How could I possibly know a book without reading it? Well, at the time I learned every concept in the book through his app where he posts mini lectures on the same spiritual concepts. Now, I simply know these concepts. I’ve experienced them. I live them. But, it wasn’t these concepts that attracted me to Sam Harris at first.
My friend Tyler introduced me to Sam Harris because of his guided meditations. Tyler was the friend I spent the most time with back then. Infact, during the COVID quarantine, he was the only friend I spent time with. Guy friend that is. I met Tyler though Braemar country club where we would golf together almost everyday during 2019. LIttle did I know back then we’d begoing on some interesting spiritual adventures together. In early 2020 Tyler and I knew we both meditated. We would discuss it once in a while. How we do it, how it made us fee, etc. Tyler explained how he used an app with guided meditations from this guy named Sam Harris. Now at the time I was slightly arrogant. I thought I had graduated past guided meditation apps like Headspace. I wasn’t really interested. But one day we decided to do a little group meditation and convinced me to listen to a guided meditation from Sam. I was surprised by how much I liked it. This wasn’t some beginner guided meditation. This was a deeper level than how I’d been meditating. At the time I was mostly just focusing on my breath and body sensations. I thought that was all there was to meditation. I was very wrong. It can go much deeper than that. He could talk about allowing these sensations to merge into a sort of cloud. It was a simple approach, but it allowed me to get to a new and exciting place where I could meditate and the sense of my body would almost completely disappear.I also taught the concept of open awareness which I was never familiar with. This is where instead of focusing on an object in consciousness such as the breath or a body sensation, you simply leave your awareness open and just notice whatever appears. It’s like your awareness simply mirrors each sensation that appears. There was one meditation concept that took me forever to grasp. A frustrating concept that I couldn’t understand until my awakening months later. During a meditation session he would say to look for the looker. Try to put your awareness on the one who is looking. The meditator. This was especially difficult for me because no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t find the meditator. Little did I know, that was the whole point. The meditator doesn’t exist. The meditator is an illusion. Now, if you told me that back then, it would mean absolutely nothing. I would see no significance in that statement. Sure I guess, no meditator, ok got it. I could even acknowledge that I couldn’t find a meditator while meditating but still see so significance. This was because I wasn’t truly experiencing the concept. My mind was still getting in the way. I was still searching for the meditator from the point of view of the meditator. The meditator was still there, I simply didn’t realize it. So, at the time saying there was no meditator had no significance to me..But there can come a point where seemingly insignificant statements like this become the most awe-inspiring epiphanies. It’s the difference between the intellectual level and the level of realization. The level of realization usually comes after the level of experience. Some sort of glimpse. At the intellectual level I could realize how the meditator was an illusion. I realized that there were simply objects appearing in consciousness. But I could never imagine the true significance of the lack of the meditator until I fully experienced it myself months later. And the perception of it was unlike anything I could have imagined. Months later I would be overwhelmed with a montage of these types of epiphanies.
I was exposed to some very intriguing concepts from Sam Harris. In his app he would have mini lectures on all sorts of philosophical ideas. Sam Harris seemed much more like a philosopher than a spiritual teacher like Eckhart Tolle, but soon I would realize they were essentially teaching the same thing. Sam Harris would talk about the illusory self, what Eckhart Tolle usually calls the ego. I soon learned that Sam had studied with Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche, a great Buddhist master. I began to realize that’s where I acquired much of his knowledge.I began to realize that these meditation techniques went far beyond just reducing stress and becoming more present. Sam Harris was trying to awaken us. Even though Sam Harris’s definition of enlightenment doesn’t fit mine perfectly, it is a valuable one. Sam Harris defines enlightenment as the permanent freedom from the illusory self. I would now call this awakening. Sam learned how to be free of the sense of from the Buddhist tradition of Dzogchen. Surprisingly enough, even with his Buddhist background, Sam is openly against religion. I agree with him. The issue with religion is that it separates us. In the mind of religious people, the smallest difference in what you believe of as God determines if you live an eternal afterlife of everlasting joy or are banished to hell. The stakes are high, and that’s why wars have broken out over religion. Instead of seeking the truth, people are slaves to a doctrine. If their beliefs are questioned, so is their chance at immortality. I could relate to Sam because although I never considered indoctrinating myself into the Buddist religion, I found the practices that Buddhists do, such as meditation, helpful. What I didn’t realize until I dove into the Sam Harris world was that Buddhists got it right. Not their religion, but their practice. It made so much sense not. This is why monks are willing to give up their lives to meditate for 50 years.This is why Sam studied with them. They are simply the best culture at finding the truth. This is why enlightenment is such a common phrase within their culture. There is no group of people that are more awake. I began to realize that the Buddhist practices are the best practices to wake up. Luckily, I didn’t have to find a Buddhist master to learn these practices. Sam was already helping me out.
Sam taught me another concept that made intellectual sense at the time, the concept of free will. I couldn’t tell if this came from his neuroscience background or his spiritual background. Probably both. Sam says there’s absolutely no evidence of free will anywhere. His explanation hit me hard on an intellectual level. I had no idea that I would later fully experience and realize this interesting concept. Let me explain it to you in my own words. So, what makes you think you have free will? Well most people would do something like say, “Look, I’m going to wave my hand right now,” and then wave their hand. This is where we get our illusion of free will. We confuse free will with voluntary action. Yes, there is a big difference between voluntary and involuntary action. We understand we have no control over involuntary action. It’s voluntary action that tricks us. It gives us the illusion of control. So let’s do a little experiment. Say you’re going to wave your hand then wave your hand. Was it free will? Well let’s think about what made you wave your hand. What made the action voluntary? Well it was all about the intent. An intent came into your mind which caused you to act in a certain way. But what is this intent? Well it’s simply a thought. It’s simply an object in consciousness. Where did this intent come from? Did you muster it up all on your own? Well, not exactly. You’ll find that your intent only arose because of the state of your mind right beforehand. If the state of your mind right before hand was different, that intent wouldn’t have arisen. For example, if I didn’t actually tell you to do this experiment, you would have never had the intent in the first place. Every thought you have ever had simply arises in consciousness due to the current state of your mind. Well what dictates the current state of your mind? Not you, but all your past thoughts and experiences. Every thought arises because there was previous thought beforehand. And that previous thought was caused by thought before that. Let’s take me for example. I’m voluntarily writing this book right now. But I sure wouldn’t call it free will. I’m only writing it because I first had an idea to write it. Well where did this idea come from? Well first I had to experience all these incredible truths of the universe. Without these experiences, there would be no intent to write a book. Did I choose these experiences? On the surface sure. But did I really? What caused me to move to LA where I got on the spiritual path? YouTube. What caused me to get into YouTube? The thought that I would despise a 9 to 5 job. What caused that thought to come into my head? The thought of imagining a future 9 to 5 job which stemmed from me actually working 9 to 5 jobs during the summers before college. What influenced me to get these jobs? My parents. There’s no way I would have gotten summer jobs if it weren’t for my parents. Did I choose my parents? Did I choose to be raised in the family I was raised in? Did I choose all the information I absorbed during childhood when my mind was the most malleable? No. I didn’t choose any of it. There was no free will. If I didn’t choose my childhood, how did I choose to write this book? This book would have never been a reality if my childhood didn’t go exactly the way it did. This book wouldn’t be a reality if my life path didn’t happen the exact way it happened. Did I have complete control over my life path? Of course not. So how can you say I had control over writing this book. Yes I want to. I have an intense desire to do so. But I in no way chose that desire.
Now for most people this can be a little disturbing. Most people want control. Why? Why do you want control? Control leads to decisions. Decisions lead to the possibility of regret. The only reason you want control is because you think you can make better decisions than the decisions that would be made for you if you were out of control. I can understand that. If you’re not in control, who is? What I’m about to tell you is impossible to understand until you experience it, but I can guarantee that you can get to a point where you fully embrace and love the absence of control. So think about it. If decisions were made for you since you were born, who made those decisions. Well, the universe did. Other consciousness did. Everything form of consciousness affects everything else.Your life was affected by your parents, another form of consciousness. Their lives were affected by their parent’s lives, other forms of consciousness. All consciousness is working together to create this incredible experience we’re living. But remember, there’s no such thing as separate consciousnesses. All of consciousness is one. All consciousness is part of the one collective consciousness.All of consciousness is actually you. The true you. So on a greater level, you are in control. You are in control as the universe. And you’ll just have to trust me on this one, the true you has your best interest in mind.
So you’re probably thinking if I am the universe, why am I creating all this suffering for myself? Well it’s all part of the evolution of consciousness. We as the universe create incredible experiences for ourselves, and the most incredible experience I know of so far is enlightenment. There is nothing that will leave your jaw dropped lower than the feeling of having your mind absolutely blow. Of having your current paradigm shattered. In this reality, as the universe we’re simply blowing our own mind. It’s a blast. That’s the essence of enlightenment. Now my definition of enlightenment is different from Sam Harris’s definition of enlightenment. I like to think of enlightenment as the process. Not a process. The process. The only process that must be. The process of going from untruth to truth. Awakening is simply moving on to the next truth, but there are far greater truth’s out there. You’ll find that the universe has been in the enlightenment process since the beginning of time. But let’s start out with the first humans. Right when we crossed over from the monkey to the human. At this point in time, we were experiencing the truth. We were truly peaceful and happy. We didn’t have the intellect to distinguish between oneness and separateness. We just were. But, were experiencing it much differently than I or any other human on this planet is right now. How can it be different? It’s the same truth right? Well yes, but back then we were missing a part of the mind. The truth was the same but our perception of it was different. Back then we didn’t have intellect. We weren’t aware we were thinking. Now on the surface, us becoming aware we could think seems like the start of the problem. It was the start of the evolution of the ego. We started gaining intellect. We started creating technology as soon as we began making tools.The increase of technology got us further and further away from our natural state. We began eating unnatural foods and doing unnatural things as technology grew. Along with this grew our intellect and the ego. The ego gives us this illusion that we are only our mind and our bodies. The ego causes us to realize how powerful the mind is and makes us think that’s what we are. This is where consciousness has been for the past million years or so. But here’s the beautiful thing. It’s not even close to the final form of consciousness. We are on the brink of moving to the next level. We are on the brink of awakening. It’s already happening to millions of people. We’ve reached the next level of consciousness where because the ego grew so strong and mental suffering skyrocketed, we’ve actually become aware of the ego itself. When we become aware of the ego itself, we realize it’s the cause of all of our suffering, and we want to destroy it. This is the stage we’re approaching. When humanity becomes aware of this physiological construct called the ego. As soon as it does, it starts to destroy it. After the ego is destroyed, we go back to the incredible truth that is oneness. Non-duality. But remember, we still perceive this as humans. But we’re more evolved humans. We’re humans with intellect. So, unlike the first humans, we perceive this incredible truth with the contrast of the falsehood. We experience non-duality with the memory of duality. This is what makes this next evolution of consciousness so magical. Not only will our mind’s be completely blown when we experience this, but we will have unending gratitude. We will remember how we used to suffer and appreciate the lack thereof. The evolution of the ego should be valued because the actual process of dissolving it is what makes the awakening process so special. Ever wondered how there can be an all loving and all powerful God and there still be suffering? This is how.
So you would think Sam Harris’s meditation techniques and Dzogchen concepts would fulfill my spiritual hunger for a while. I certainly had a lot more to work on. But Sam’s wisdom didn’t stop there. The yearning for awakening dominated my life. Before I would feel a little low if my day wasn’t busy. At this point in time, nothing made me more excited than a perfectly clear schedule. It meant more meditation and more learning. I wanted more. Luckily, Sam gave me more. One morning as I was scrolling down the list of discussions on his app, I found an eye catching one. It was about something I was quite familiar with, but not in this context: psychedelics. At the time, I had taken my fair share of psychedelics. It all stemmed from festival culture. Once you attend an EDM festival with the enhancement of psychedelics, it’s almost impossible to attend one sober. I started out with ecstasy, the most common festival substance of choice. It’s hard for me to classify this as a psychedelic, because it doesn’t seem to cause any “hallucinations.” It simply makes you feel incredible. This was fine for my first couple festivale, but what I didn’t anticipate is going to 6 festivals in 2019. I understood ecstasy wasn’t the best for my health. It has been shown to potentially have neurotoxic effects, so I didn’t want to take it frequently. I decided that I would quit ecstasy all together to focus on my health and switch over to LSD instead. Many people will understand this switch but some will be puzzled. How is that healthier? You’re simply switching from one hard drug to the next. I hate the term “drug.” It gives useful substances bad connotations. It groups life ruining compounds in the same category as  life saving compounds. It makes it difficult for people to think critically and educate themselves on the safety of each “drug.” Most people have no idea that LSD is extremely well tolerated by the body. The physical health effects of LSD are so minimal I would consider it less dangerous than caffeine. Most people have the misconception that the legality of a drug determines if a drug is “good” or “bad.” This is so obviously untrue. Psychedelic substances like LSD and psilocybin (the compound in magic mushrooms) have been shown to be extremely well tolerated by the body and not addictive at all. On the other hand, alcohol and tobacco has ruined the lives of countless people. These substances not only ruin people’s physical health, but the secondary effects of their addictions can harm their loved one’s as well. We need to become critical thinkers when it comes to mind altering substances. The personality trait of blindly embracing any government mandate is no more human than it is puppet. Research has shown psilocybin to help reduce anxiety and depression and even help reduce inflammation. The moral perception the world has about psychedelics is absolutely dumbfounding. I simply have no explanation for our sustained misjudgement.
That being said, responsible use of such substances is critical. I would never prompte taking any mind altering substance let alone a powerful psychedelic in the wrong setting with the wrong intentions. In fact, now I couldn’t even recommend taking them without a guide without it going against my conscience. Taking a psychedelic to go have a sensory experience with a large group of people such as at a festival might seem fun, and it very well might be, but the risk of a mentally unfavorable experience is much more likely. This is what would be commonly referred to as a “bad trip.” Throughout my festival career, I was willing to take that risk and fortunately for me, I never had too uncomfortable of an experience. I didn't get much benefit from it though. At the peak of my festival lifestyle, I thought this was the only way these drugs were used. They were good for increasing sensory perception and that’s it. That’s why people like to take them in the most mentally and physically stimulating environments possible like festivals.In fact, it seems as though they set up festivals specifically for these types of drug users. They attempt to make the environment as “trippy” as possible with the moving light displays and the eccentric images and structures on the stage. This is how I thought psychedelics were meant to be taken. I couldn’t imagine taking a psychedelic without external stimulation. I thought it would be such a waste.
That is, until I listened to Sam Harris talk about them. Sam Harris seemed like the furthest thing from a hippie festival goer. He was a neuroscientist, author, and successful entrepreneur. Why was he talking about psychedelics? Surely to discourage their use right? Nope. Sam is an advocate of these substances for spiritual practice. I learned that these substances are used by many spiritual experiences to gain spiritual insight. People use these substances to realize truths about consciousness and the nature of reality. I had always known that psychedelics have been used ceremonially in the past in different cultures, but I never related it to this type of spirituality. I never realized it could help me awaken. I later realized that this makes perfect sense. Like I mentioned before psychedelic substances reduce the connectivity in the DMN, the neurobiological ego. They’re life meditation on steroids when used in the right way. At the time I didn’t know how it worked or what I was supposed to learn from them, but I was sold. Time to get some LSD.
Luckily, I wasn’t in this alone. Tyler was even more into Sam Harris than I was. So much so, in fact, that I questioned why he yearned for spiritual fulfilment when he already had Sam Harris as his God. Tyler was slightly less experienced with psychedelics than me, but we’d both used them in the same way to get some extra stimulation during music festivals. We decided if we were going to try them for a different reason: to awaken. Well, we weren’t that optimistic at the time, but we did think we would get something out of them. At the worst, we’d feel a little more present for the next few days after, we thought.
We decided to do our first spiritual trip in nature. We planned on going on a hike in Malibu and spending the entire 8 hour trip there. We would hike, hopefully become more connected with nature like the psychedelic proponents mentioned, and then find a place to meditate. One early morning at 7a.m., we set out on this spiritual quest. We ubered 30 minutes to Malibu and took a half tab each. Overall, the day went pretty well. Nature was beautiful. The colors were more vibrant. The natural movement of the trees seemed more graceful. We felt more present. Our meditation sessions were deeper. But, at the end of the day, we didn’t find anything we were looking for. We both agreed that this was a far more useful experience than tripping at a festival. At least we got some good meditation sessions in and we felt a little calmer afterwards, but deep down we were a little disappointed that nothing more interesting happened from a spiritual standpoint.
A few weeks passed and psychedelics were still in our minds. There must be something we’re missing, we thought. We must be doing something wrong. We continued to look to Sam Harris for advice and began listening to his podcast as well. In one episode on psychedelics he mentioned a couple interesting things. First, he promoted using a blindfold when taking psilocybin.That rattled our brain. Why blindfolded? How is that more beneficial. The only answer we could find was that more can be accomplished when the journey is focused within. The next thing that interested us was about the dosage. We always erred on a lower dose. We had this idea that there was an optimal dose for a good spiritual experience and it was probably on the low end, less than you would take at a festival. Sam disagreed. On his podcast he talked about low doses potentially leading to worse experiences because of resistance. The ability to still be in control. He said higher dosages can be more beneficial because there’s a certain breakthrough point where all resistance is futile and the drug simply works it’s magic. At the time I had no idea what this breakthrough point meant. Now I realize he was talking about complete ego death. At the time, all that mattered was we needed to get blindfolds and magic mushrooms. A lot of them.
We weren’t playing around anymore. Whatever there was to be experienced, we desperately wanted to experience it. So one morning in my apartment we sat down on my couch, took 4 grams of magic mushrooms each and put on our blindfolds. Something has to happen this time, we thought. Well, something happened. I can’t really tell you what, but something happened. Describing these types of experiences is difficult because it goes beyond the normal sensory perceptions of the mind. Senses will be mixed. Everything is more of a feeling rather than a sense. You feel colors, you feel sounds, you even feel thoughts. We were definitely starting to go into another world. We were diligent for about an hour. We sat there with our blindfolds on and meditated, but soon after, we lost our concentration. I took off my blindfold to see how long it had been and that was it. The spirituality part of the trip had ended. The room looked too cool. Everything was moving. Everything was blurry yet in more detail. I had to leave my blindfold off for the rest of the trip. At the time, I thought Sam must have been pulling a prank on us. The external world was too fascinating. Tyler and I started laughing and talking to each other. He actually managed to keep on his blindfold the entire time, but there was no more meditation. Our human desire for stimulation had gotten the best of us. At the time we didn’t care. We had a blast. But looking back on it, it seemed like a pretty wasted day to me. I remember the night after even being a little depressed. I got nothing out of the trip that I had set out to get. I might of well have gone to a festival.
I’ve now learned there’s a reason why some people get spiritual insight out of psychedelics and others don’t. First of all it depends on the set and intentions. The whole point of using psychedelics for spiritual purposes is to shut off the ego. To reduce the DMN connectivity as fully as you can. This is why meditation in combination with psychedelics is so effective. Being stimulated by external environments like music festivals or even simply getting distracted by your friend with conversation is enough to keep you in this world. It allows the ego to live. That’s all the ego knows is the 5 senses and thought. So, the more external stimulation, the harder it is to allow the ego to fade away. The second reason people don’t get anything out of psychedelics is because they haven’t had enough awareness training. Awareness is trained through meditation and being present. It’s a skill. It’s like a muscle. The more you train it, the stronger it gets. You’ll find in meditation that this muscle gets stronger over time. At first, your awareness will be weak. You’ll try to focus it on your breath or your body sensations and then all of a sudden you forget you were even meditating. You got lost in thought. All of a sudden you weren’t even aware anymore. But, over time you’ll find this happens less and less often. You can focus for longer and longer periods of time and when you do start to get lost in thought, you catch yourself much more quickly. You’ll find awareness can become so powerful that you can remain aware as you’re falling asleep. As I mentioned before, this is the first step in astral projection. But most people lose awareness during sleep. You’ll wake up and feel like you had some dreams but can’t remember them. The same thing can happen during a psychedelic experience. Here’s the real magic behind psychedelics that took me a while to realize. Just as you dream every time you sleep whether you remember them or not, every time you take a large enough dose of psychedelics while meditating, you experience ego death. You reach a higher level of consciousness. A level of consciousness beyond the body. You actually experience your true nature. Any humanly thought or sensation goes away and you experience what it’s like to be conscious without the self. A being beyond the human. A being beyond form. Here’s the issue. This place you go to is beyond the mind. That’s why I’m not able to explain it. It’s impossible to accurately describe a thoughtless, mindless experience with the intellectual interpretation of language. Most of humanity only operates from this realm. The realm of thought. Well, if you only operate out of the realm of thought. You’re not going to bring anything meaningful back from psychedelics. If you don’t have something deeper than thought as a tool, you’re out of luck. The psychedelic experience will be like a dream. You will remember something crazy happened, but you don’t know exactly what. You’ll try to interpret everything with thought when thought simply doesn’t do the job. This is why training awareness is so important. If your awareness is strong enough, when the psychedelic experience ends you enable yourself to have realizations about what you experienced. Now these realizations are different from thought. They’re like this knowledge from within that spontaneously surfaces. It feels much different. Truths are realized from a place much deeper than thought. Somehow with enough awareness you these experiences will make sense. They won’t just seem like hallucinations. They’ll give you true insight on the true relationship between you and the universe. There’s no knowledge you need to have for these realizations to arise. It’s not like you read about non-duality, take a psychedelic, and then go, “Oh yeah that’s what non-duality is.” It’s the other way around. You take a psychedelic, experience a glimpse of a truth, start realizing what that truth means from the state of perception not intellect, then later read a book and think, “Oh yeah, non duality, that’s what you call this perception. Cool.” Every truth I’ve experienced has completely shattered the intellectual concept I previously had about that truth. In fact, in my opinion the only benefit of the intellectual understanding of these truths are motivation.
There’s such an elusiveness to the concept of awakening because it goes against the reinforced societal protocol of gaining earthly knowledge. In society if you’re lacking knowledge in a specific area you search for that knowledge externally. You read a book, you listen to a podcast, you watch a YouTube video, you read a scientific study, or you listen to a mentor in person. The more knowledge you obtain externally the stronger the belief that this is the only path to knowledge. You’ll find the most knowledgeable people in the world such as scientists and philosophers often have the most trouble with awakening. They simply can’t understand the concept that to know they must experience. Because there’s a great amount of external knowledge in books, podcasts, and even YouTube videos about oneness, non-duality, seeing past the ego, and other spiritual ideas, many people believe they can fully understand these concepts through external knowledge alone. They trick themselves into believing they fully understand when they’re still stuck on the level of intellect. External information must be treated as only as a tool that you use to find the truth within. The best books on awakening are written as such. Some have the power to make you feel more at peace as you read them. Some make you feel more and more confused and only clutter the mind more. You’ll find that awakening is so elusive because it’s the one concept that can’t be learned through external sources. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. If anything, awakening is about unlearning. It’s about dropping all the earthly concepts of reality that you currently have in your mind. You’ll see that the only thing holding back a person from awakening is their own restricted beliefs about the world. When these beliefs are truly dropped one’s true nature can be uncovered. It even makes me slightly uncomfortable to say that a person awakens. This implies that people’s current idea of the self awakens. This isn’t what happens at all. Everyone is actually already awakened. Every form appearing in consciousness is already fully enlightened. Most human forms have simply forgotten their true form. They have forgotten they’re already in an awakened state. This is quite the paradox, but you’ll find higher truths are full of paradoxes. That’s why they are difficult to obtain. You’ll hear many teachers say things like, “There is nothing to search for. You have always had what you seek.” While yes, that is true, and it makes perfect sense to me, it’s not helpful for someone trying to awaken. It implies that there’s nothing to do. That no proactivity is required. Yes, you’re simply getting back to your natural, true state. And of course, this natural, true state cannot ever be taken from you because it is you. But, there’s proactivity required in recognizing the false state you currently reside in and dissolving it.
In April of 2020 my spiritual practice had gotten to the point where the restriction of the ego had been fully recognized. I had fully understood how it works. I had fully understood how it caused every ounce of my suffering. I had even slightly weakened my attachment to it. When a thought arose that I interpreted as negative  I would notice it and say, “Ah, the ego’s playing it’s tricks again.” and allow the thought to pass. This definitely improved my state of mind. Negative thoughts and emotions decreased in frequency and positive ones increased. But I was still unsatisfied. I wasn’t feeling the bliss that spiritual teachers had promised. I knew I hadn’t experienced the concepts of oneness and non-duality. I wouldn’t allow my mind to trick itself into thinking it fully understood these concepts simply because of my intellectual understanding of them. Here’s a quick tip: if you’re unsatisfied, you haven’t fully understood the concepts. I realized this, so I kept searching.
Around this time I was seeing a girl named Emma. Emma was undoubtedly the sweetest most pure hearted human I had ever met. She was affectionate. There wasn't a moment out of any hang out session she wasn't touching or cuddling me in some way. I definitely didn’t complain. There wasn’t an evil cell in her entire body. I couldn’t imagine her ever using any manipulation tactics that the typical LA girl would use. I couldn’t even imagine her getting angry. There were never any games with Emma. She wouldn’t wait 30 extra minutes to text back to not seem needy. She never pretended to be busy and delayed hanging out with me. She never played hard to get. She was so considerate of my feelings. If she made a joke over text and I didn’t respond for a while, she would text me again to make it known that she sent it with only good intentions. Some would call this being needy. I found it refreshing. It felt real. I had never encountered someone with so much empathy. It was like this force, this aura I could feel when I was in her presence. Her sweetness made me feel like a total asshole for having even the slightest negative thought toward anyone. I had never seen anyone care for other people with the same intensity in which they cared for themselves. How was she like this? How could she be so sweet and caring in a world so narcissistic? How did I find someone like this in LA out of all places? Why can’t everyone be like this? What was it  that she had that the rest of the world was missing? Well, about a month later I would find out exactly what she had that differentiated her from the typical self-obsessed girl in LA: she had the truth. Emma was awakened.
At the time, although I loved Emma’s energy, the depth of her spirituality made me roll my eyes. She  would talk about things such as fate and destiny which I simply didn’t believe in. There was one conversation topic we both thoroughly enjoyed thought: psychedelics. Because Emma was so spiritual, it only made sense to tell her about my attempts at gaining some spiritual insight with LSD and psilocybin. It didn’t surprise me that she was quite experienced with those substances as well, especially psilocybin. I told her how I was disappointed with the results of my previous trips. With a completely joking tone I said, “Maybe I should go to Peru and get my hands on some Ayahuasca.”
Ayahuasca is essentially a South American herbal brew. It’s estimated that South American cultures have been using Ayahuasca in religious ceremonies for thousands of years. It’s commonly made from two different plants: the P. Virdis plant and the B caapi plant. There are many different variations though. An ayahuasca brew simply needs to contain a plant that contains dimethyltryptamine (DMT) and a plant that contains a monoamine oxidase (MO) inhibitor. The MO inhibitor prevents the oxidation of DMT in the digestive tract which allows it to be bioavailable. DMT, otherwise known as the spirit molecule, is arguably the most powerful psychoactive substance known to man. Most people, including me at the time, didn’t even think about going near it. It just sounded too scary. I had heard stories about people doing it and never being the same. Looking back on it, I’m surprised I never questioned why I thought that was a bad thing. Ayahuasca was the most powerful psychedelic substance I had heard of. The only thing I heard was more intense was smoking pure DMT. The difference is that smoking DMT can be more intense, but only lasts about 30 minutes. Ayahuasca on the other hand, while slightly less intense, can last up to 6 hours.
Even with the high prevalence of drug use within the festival crowd I associated with, I’d never met anyone who had done ayahuasca. When I made the joke to Emma I assumed she was going to laugh and say something like, “Yeah that would be crazy. Don’t touch the poison dart frogs.” But instead, with a straight face she says, “Oh yeah I’ve done that several times.” What?
I was immediately intrigued. I needed to know everything. Where did she do it? What was it like? Was her personality different before? Is that where her extreme tenderheartedness came from? She told me everything. Well, everything she could at least. Everything that I could understand. Obviously with this type of psychedelic experience, many aspects of it are simply beyond words. She could only speak positively about her experiences, which made sense since she kept going back for more. This didn’t mean they weren’t difficult though. She told me past trauma tends to creep back to the front of the mind during the experience and can lead to a nightmare of a time. Emma didn’t take this substance for fun though. This was part of the magic behind ayahuasca. Emma told me how it allowed you to heal from past traumas by uncovering it from deep within your subconscious. There’s trauma that we hold onto from childhood but simply isn't recognized. Emma described a single Ayahuasca ceremony as equivalent to 10 years of therapy. And that’s how it was done. In a ceremony. An actual religious ceremony. Her ceremonies were actually affiliated with a Native American Church.  It wasn’t some drug you just go get from your local drug dealer. Partaking in such an experience is serious business. In fact, traditional ayahuasca users would condemn such a casual practice. Even though the ceremonies had the potential to be rough, Emma largely attributed her finding peace to these ceremonies. She seemed to have a much more traumatic childhood than me. I won't go into the details, but it was a childhood that seemed impossible not to leave someone mentally messed up. But here she was sitting next to me, more mentally free than anyone I had ever met.  
I wondered if ayahuasca could be right for me. Did I have past traumas I was suppressing? Has that been holding me back from awakening? Do my traumas deep within my subconscious reinforce the artificial program that is the ego? It was possible. The ego is simply a trigger-reaction mechanism. Certain simulie make you act in a certain way without really being conscious of your response. It was possible I had traumas deep down that encouraged this mechanism. On the other hand, I didn’t feel like I had any traumas. Yes, I was bullied badly in highschool but I feel like I let go of that. I was even grateful for the experience because I believe I grew as a person from the experience. But then again, if my traumas were truly repressed, by definitionI wouldn’t know they were repressed, right?
 My life was about to get pretty busy though. In about a month I was starting an entirely new chapter of my life. I needed a break from Los Angeles, so I planned on moving. I was going back to my YouTube roots. Back to where it all started. Back to Austin Texas. Los Angeles was great. It served its purpose, but I wasn’t in love with it. Yes, if you’re new n the social media world, LA is the place to be if you’re business oriented. There’s not a place on earth with more opportunities.The thing was my brand was already well established. There wasn’t too much in LA that had helped me grow as a brand. My growth was determined almost exclusively by how good of content I was pumping out on YouTube. LA didn’t really help my content in any way. If anything it hindered it. Back when I first started YouTube in Austin, Texas I was more proud of my content. There’s a gold mine in downtown Austin for content like mine, and it’s called dirty 6th street. Dirty 6th street or east 6th street is about a half mile strip of bars in downtown Austin. There’s a reason why they call it dirty 6th. The bars aren’t where most of the action happens. It’s right on the street. Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday the entire street is blocked off to traffic and the people come. From homeless people to University of Texas students, everyone is welcome. It becomes a zoo. Everyone’s intoxicated. There are times at its peak that the street can be packed shoulder to shoulder. I can’t think of anywhere else on planet earth that’s better for my type of YouTube content. And that’s not the only thing I loved about Austin. I also loved the people. They had more of a welcoming, midwest vibe in contrast to the stuck up, snobby vibe of Los Angeles. So, when the opportunity to move back there came up, I hopped on it.      
I was planning on moving to Austin, Texas to live in this influencer house. It was a $3 million dollar mansion in the nicest part of the city. I was going to live there for free in the master bedroom. All I had to do in return was to promote the company who owned the house once and a while in a YouTube video. They were even going to fund different YouTube projects for me. Not only that but my 3 other fellow roommates would be Instagram models. It was safe to say that I would be preoccupied for a while once I moved to Austin. I wasn’t going to have the time in the near future to fly out to South America for an Ayahuasca ceremony. So in my mind it just wasn’t meant to be. That is, until Emma told me where her ceremony was. It wasn’t in South America. It wasn’t even out of the state. It was in Joshua Tree, a town in the desert just 2 hours away. And Emma was glad to connect me with the shamen. What the hell, what’s the harm in reaching out?
The main female shaman reached out to me via email a few days later. They stopped their ceremonies for a while because of COVID, but were restarting May 1st with extra COVID precautions. Wow, this is too perfect, I thought. I’m in quarantine right now. I have nothing else to do, and it seems like a great transition to my new life in Austin. I would heal my past traumas and feel like a new man in Austin, Texas. It would feel like starting an entire new life both physically and mentally, I thought. It just seemed right. It seemed like it was meant to be. So I signed up for the first ceremony available, May 1st.
Of course I told Tyler what I was planning on doing. In fact, I even told my parents. This wasn’t something I was trying to hide. I was proud of my decision. I wasn’t traveling 2 hour to go trip on some drugs for fun. I was doing it for my spiritual and mental health. I didn’t expect it to be fun in any way. My parents were supportive. Of course, they were a little worried for me, but they knew I was doing it with the right intentions. They were anxious to hear about my experience. Tyler was invited to come along. I already knew he wouldn’t though. Tyler was in the process of going from aspiring professional golfer to working in finance, and he still lived with his parents. He wasn’t comfortable telling them about his psychedelic adventures, plus it was still COVID season, and his dad barely allowed him to hang out with me. All of this along with the $300 price tag was enough to make it an easy decision for him not to come. I wasn’t too disappointed though. This could be one of the most profound experiences of my life, so the less distractions the better.
So, the afternoon of May 1st I packed up some water, a pillow, and a blanket and began the two hour drive to Joshua Tree. As I arrived at the house it was pretty close to how I imagined it. It was a small, low, rectangular house that resembled a shed to me more than it did a house. Outside was the most stereotypical white trailer you could think of. This place had “hippie” written all over it. None of this bothered me, though. At least for the night, this was the vibe I was going for. I was ready to embrace my inner hippie. I parked in the driveway, walked to the backyard, and was greeted by the three shamen and two other girls sitting in on the ceremony. Two of the shamen were guys, but besides that, I’d be the only guy in this ceremony.
Everyone seemed relatively normal considering the circumstances. The only thing abnormal was how happy and positive they always seemed and how well they treated everyone. They all seemed rather intelligent. No one seemed to be missing any nuts and bolts as I halfway expected. These were real functional people who just had a deep spiritual side. As soon as I greeted everyone one of the guy shamen showed me the backyard. Yard probably isn’t a good term to use here. We were in the middle of the desert, but it was absolutely stunning. The back of the house had an incredible view. We were at a high point, and out in the distance below us you could see the entire city of Joshua tree to the right. To the left were giant clusters of beautiful reddish rocks and desert foliage. This was exactly the place I wanted to do something like this. A natural sanctuary. I was shown the actual ceremony circle on the left side of the backyard near the rocks.I got to pick my seat and chose one on the left so I had a scenic view of the city and the tall mountains behind it. About an hour later, it was time to begin the ceremony.
The 3 shamen, 3 other girls, and I gathered around the ceremony circle. We were each given a mat and a floor chair and were encouraged to use our pillows and blankets to make ourselves comfortable. Because a couple people were new, we had a quick orientation. The shamen said they’d ask us how much we want on a scale of 1-10. We were also told not to touch anyone else, and to try and be as quiet as possible. We also weren’t allowed to leave the backyard during the entire ceremony. It was also recommended that we keep our eyes closed as much as we could. The external world was considered distracting.Seems simple enough, I thought. Then we were asked to say our prayers and/or intentions. This is one of the most important parts of the ceremony. Without a deep true intention the substance could take your mind anywhere, and it’s not something you can control in the moment. In fact, we were told the worst thing you could do during the experience is to resist. You can set an intention about what you want to learn or accomplish, but after that, you must give up all control and let what they called “Mother Ayahuasca” have her way with you. I thought my true intention of “awakening” might sound a little too eager so I went with the intention of “gaining back some childlike wonder.” I would have been content with either one of those. What I didn’t realize at the time was that those two intentions are one in the same.
After we said our intentions, one of the guy shamen came around the circle and asked us the dosage we wanted. There was not a chance I was going to say anything but “Ten.” I drove 2 hours and paid $300 dollars for a reason. I wanted to get as much out of this experience as I possibly could. We were all given our respective doses in a small cup, drank in unison, and the journey began.
After I drank out of the cup I was in a state of calm alertness. The entire day leading up to this I meditated. I even made sure to be in a fairly meditative state the entire car ride there. Because of this I didn’t feel any anxiety. I had a lot of energy, but it was calm energy. I knew it was going to take about 30 minutes to kick in, so I sat there, meditated, and waited for something to happen. My plan was to simply meditate and be aware of the experience. Whatever happens, happens, just remain as aware as you can, I thought.
Language cannot describe the entirety of the experience. Language is a mental construct and my experience went far beyond the mind. To attempt to understand a mindless realm with the mind is like a fly attempting to understand a 3D virtual reality simulation of a first person human experience. The levels of experience are simply too different. I shall try my best, though.
After 30 minutes I began to notice an altered state of consciousness, similar to that if I had just taken magic mushrooms. My perceptions of sensory experience were slightly altered, and my thoughts began to come faster and were less controllable. I remained sitting upright, alert, and focused though. My state of mind was positive. Everything was going well until the girl to the left of me started vomiting uncontrollably. I was somewhat prepared for this. Vomiting after ingesting ayahuasca is a common side effect. In fact, it’s welcomed as part of the ceremonial process. It’s called “purging” and it’s encouraged. We were even given a bucket just for this reason. The brew is so acidic that most people purge. It’s more rare not to. Soon everyone was purging. All three girls. It wasn’t your average vomiting session either. When I think of vomiting I think of a girl who drank too much at a party and has to spend 15 minutes in the bathroom with her friends holding her hair back. It wasn’t that type of vomiting. The vomiting was intense. It was extremely loud. It kept on going. It seemed to never end. It sounded like everyone was dying. I wanted to look around out of curiosity but kept my eyes closed as I was told. Now the paranoia started to set in. Why wasn’t I purging yet? Am I going to start vomiting that brutally? I began to feel sick. I couldn’t tell if it was because of the ayahuasca or the thought of the others' guts pouring out of their mouths. Soon I realized it was definitely the ayahuasca. My stomach was on fire. I didn’t just feel nauseous, I felt sharp pains. I wanted to start purging to get it over with but I couldn’t. Remember at this time I’m moderately hallucinating. The anxiety began to build. What have I gotten myself into? The pain in my stomach began to increase. Now I felt like I was dying. The feeling of agony is one thing when you’re sober. It’s an entirely different experience when you’re hallucinating. The paranoia really started to set. What if I am dying. Wait a minute. What’s going on? I’m sitting here in a cult-like ceremony. We all drank a red liquid in unison and were told not to resist. To welcome whatever happened. Soon after everyone starts aggressively vomiting as if they were poisoned. Oh my god. What if that’s what this is? What if we were all just poisoned. Am I taking part in a group suicide? At this point I’m hallucinating so badly I can’t even tell if my memories of Emma are real. I can’t even remember when I learned about ayahuasca. For all I knew ayahuasca doesn’t even exist. At the time I could only believe the shamen were Jim Jones and I had just drank the kool-aid. The agony was only increasing, and I still hadn’t vomited yet. Two of the girls had stopped. I wanted to look, but I was terrified of what I would see. I thought they were dead. Then the thought came into my head: don’t resist whatever you do. Even though I thought I was dying, this thought provided some comfort. Whatever I just did, there’s no going back. Even if I’m dying, I might as well not resist. I tried to remember my intellectual understanding of the self. My body and mind isn’t truly me. I am consciousness. My true nature is beyond form. I am forever. The true I cannot die. Obviously although I had an intellectual understanding, I didn’t have a full 100% belief in it. How could I without experiencing it? I was nervous. I stopped resisting, but I was still nervous. At least I’ll truly find out the true meaning of God, I thought. I rolled out of my chair and layed down on my side. I completely gave up all resistance. I was ready to die. I felt my body dieing. I felt my mind dying.I started seeing other worldly geometric shapes. I felt my memories disappearing. I felt my thoughts turning to nothingness. It felt as though my entire mind as I knew it began to unravel. I was turning into complete emptiness. Somehow though, I was remaining conscious.  
Looking back on it I realized the power of the ceremony. It was a death simulator. For me at least. I’m not sure if it had the same effect on everyone else as it did me, especially because some of the participants were veterans at this ritual, but it made perfect sense from my experience. Most of the participants wanted to work on some trauma. I found out after that that’s what most did. Just like Emma. Most people participate in ayahuasca for healing purposes. Weirdly enough, that’s exactly what happens to them. They heal trauma. During the ceremony they have worldly thoughts and memories pop up for them to observe and handle appropriately. For me on the other hand, not one repressed memory popped up. There was nothing I thought about during the ceremony that I hadn’t thought about in the past 3 days. Did I just not have any trauma? Has my spiritual practice let it disappear? Or was it simply not my intention? Why instead of working on my human life during the ceremony did I go straight to death? I couldn’t complain though once I realized what was happening. This is what I wanted to happen. This was my intention. I wanted to die. I didn’t want to kill my true self of course, the true self can never die. But the false self, the ego, I wanted to demolish. Mother ayahuasca was granting me my wish. I truly accepted death. And I got to experience it. I was experiencing an ego death. I realize now that ego death and death are essentially the same thing. The only difference is after ego death you snap back to your previous human form. The ego contains the attachment to not only the mind, but to the body. A true ego death disintegrates both. If you experience an ego death, you’re glimpsing the afterlife. I hate the term afterlife. It would make much more sense to call it the “true life.” When you experience ego death you go to a place beyond mind and beyond body. Of course I had heard about ego death before, but I didn’t realize it could be so horrifying. What made it so horrifying was the initial resistance. It’s incredibly difficult to feel your entire sense of self dissolving into nothing and not try to hold on. That’s why it’s so important that whatever you do, don’t resist. Once I stopped resisting, once I accepted the death of the self, got to witness the most awe inspiring, magical, otherworldly experience I could have ever imagined.
This is where language fails to do justice to the experience. In fact, memory itself doesn’t do justice to the experience. The realm I entered was a place beyond memory. A place beyond language. A place beyond thought. I place without time. A place without space. It’s impossible to imagine because space and time is all we know. It was a place of only awareness. It was a place of pure emptiness yet nothing was missing. My intellectual understanding of pure awareness without the body seemed rather empty. While yes, this place was empty, it was also full. For the first time I felt complete. I felt absolutely no suffering.I felt true bliss. I felt true contentment. But these felt nothing like I thought they could feel. “Feel” is not the right term to use, because there was no human sensory experience involved. It was as if the human senses of sight, touch, and sound all merged into one sense. At first I felt somewhat distinct. I felt as if every ounce of my was gone except my awareness. But I was still feeling my awareness. Soon though, my awareness grew. “Grow” is a poor description of what happened, because there was no space, but it’s the best word we have in the English language. I seemed to pool with other awareness. I became infinite. Somehow, this place felt eerily familiar. And again “felt” is a terrible verb to use. There was no human feeling. There was only an indestructible knowing. A knowing so strong it “felt” like the epiphany of all epiphanies. A realization so strong it simply cannot be compared to anything felt or experienced in the human mind.
I don’t remember how long i was in this place because there was absolutely no sense of time, but as the mind began to creep back I opened by eyes and started screaming “What the fuck?! What the fuck?!” I remember the shamen smiling as if they were expecting this reaction then softly telling me to lower my voice. What I had just experienced rapidly started slipping away. I couldn’t remember the exact experience, but I knew without a doubt in my mind that it was the most profound and meaningful experience I ever had in my life. I had gotten a glimpse. I didn’t understand what at the time, but whatever it was, it was absolutely incredible. At this point in time, I had absolutely no free will. Not just the intellectual understanding of no free will, but truly no free will. I didn’t even have voluntary actions. I felt like I was a puppet. I felt like I was watching a movie from the first person perspective of the main character. That I wasn’t the character, but was simply watching what was happening to him. I got up and started walking around. I ran over to the edge of the backyard and gazed at the stars and the city. But it wasn’t me doing the running. It wasn’t me doing the gazing. The true me was simply paying attention to what the character called “Connor” was doing. For the next little while I’m going to be referring to the human form of me as “Connor” because at this point in time of the ceremony I simply doesn’t make sense to refer to “Connor” as “me.”I felt like I was a character in a novel, and I was experiencing the novel as it was being written. All of a sudden realizations appeared out of nowhere. Insights flooded my brain. These insights didn’t come from Connor. They weren’t even of thought. They were knowing. They were knowing of the universe. They were knowing of experience. They were knowing my true self. So many realizations flooded my brain so quickly there was no way to process any of them. They disappeared as quickly as they appeared. One moment I felt like I understood the entire universe and the next I was back to my old, ignorant self. Then the earthly thoughts started seeping into my mind, but I didn’t feel like Connor was thinking them. “I want to see more.” My body was whisked back to my mat and I layed down again and closed my eyes.
I felt like I was beginning to go back to the same place. I was excited. I wanted to more fully experience it. I wanted to be able to somehow take the experience back to real life. But this time, as my awareness expanded beyond my body, it didn’t go to a place of emptiness. It went to other forms. So during a dream you can experience all sorts of crazy, physics defying adventures right? And I don’t know about you, but all my dreams have been from my point of view. The point of view of Connor. The point of view from Connor’s body and mind. Yes, in a dream maybe the body is a little more subtle, but it’s always my body nonetheless. And it’s definitely my mind. I could never have imagined experiencing another form’s body and mind. But that’s exactly what started to happen. Now yes, I had my eyes closed, but there was nothing dreamlike about these next experiences. I experienced the consciousness of a girl. Yes, you heard me correctly. Somehow my awareness was witnessing a girl’s body and mind. I don’t know who the girl was, or even what her face looked like, because I was experiencing it from her first person point of view. I saw my body as a girl’s body. I could touch my skin and it felt different. I even had different thoughts. Somehow the memory of me being Connor was still present, but other thought’s that weren’t Connor’s were somehow implanted into my head. I was remembering memories that weren’t Connors. They must have been the girl’s. Then the same phenomenon happened but I was an old man sitting on a tree stump with my bare feet on the ground. Again, I could look down and see the body of an old man. I would touch my old wrinkly skin and feel the body of an old man. I could even think wise thoughts of an old man that weren’t Connor’s thought. Then it got a little scary. All of a sudden I was a man lying on the ground. I had just been shot in the stomach. I could feel every ounce of the pain.It felt like how I imagined it would feel like to get shot but 10 times worse. I felt myself losing blood. I felt my head becoming lightheaded. I felt my physical body dying. Then I transformed into an animal. Transformed is the wrong word. My body didn’t morph into an animal’s body. My awareness somehow shifted to the form of an animal. I couldn’t tell exactly what I was because I was perceiving my experience as the animal from a first person point of view, but I was some type of prehistoric animal. My sight was different. The colors were different and my vision was somehow distorted. I didn’t have any thoughts whatsoever. I simply had sensory experience. Then all of a sudden I was back in my normal body. Connor’s body. But something was much, much different. I was laying on the mat looking up at the stars, but I had absolutely zero thought. I had no idea what the stars were. I had no language to even make up a name for them.I had no sense of who I was. I had no sense of what the world was.I had no memories whatsoever.I had no recollection of putting myself in this position. I had no mind. I only had sensory experience. I can only relate this experience to what it must have felt like when I was first born. Suddenly information started flooding my brain. I started receiving memories, I started gaining knowledge of the world I was perceiving. I started knowing where I was. I started gaining knowledge of the human form I was experiencing. Hundreds of thoughts and memories every second if not thousands. The process was overwhelming. It was extremely uncomfortable.I felt as if my brain was going to explode. Somehow I went from not having any idea of who I was to fully knowing everything there is about being Connor in a matter of minutes. The craziest part was I didn’t feel like any of these thoughts or memories were mine. Just a few minutes ago I was a blank slate. I had no thoughts whatsoever. I had no memories whatsoever. Where did they all come from. They didn’t feel like they came from me. They felt like they were given to me. I felt like I hadn’t actually lived in this world until that moment. I felt like I was just born. I felt like this was the first time I had ever been aware of the human form of Connor. The memories simply gave me the illusion that I had been experiencing him for 25 years.I felt like I had just been reborn.
I had always dismissed the idea of reincarnation. It had never really made sense to me. In fact, I hardly thought about it at all. The last time I thought of reincarnation was probably back in school when we were learning about different religions. Even with my newfound interest in the Buddhist culture it never really came up in my mind. I used to think there’s no way to know if you’ve been reincarnated because your new life would start out at age 0 with no memories. I now question that belief. Now I’m not saying I was reincarnated, especially since apparently I’ve been alive 25 years, but I can’t use a better word to describe that final process. I feel like I was reincarnated as myself. I feel like I was reborn. Compared to Connor’s thoughts and memories, I simply cannot believe I’m the same person deep down. Yes, I have all of Connor’s memories. Yes, I have all of his earthly knowledge, but I in no way feel like the old him. I don’t feel like I’ve always been him. I don’t feel like the deeper part of me has been aware of the life of Connor until the moment Connor was reborn. I still don’t know exactly how to make sense of this feeling, and it’s definitely not a bad one.I just can’t believe I’ve been witnessing this body and mind for 25 years. Everything about it seems so new. I feel like an entirely new person than what my thoughts and memories are telling me I used to be like. In my opinion, I’m way better.
As the effects of the ayahuasca began to wear off I was completely mind blown. I could not interpret what just happened. On the bright side, the world seemed more vibrant. The city of Joshua Tree in the distance was the most incredible sight I had ever seen. The clouds slowly moving in the sky, covering up the moon and stars in their path was breathtaking. Every single sense was heightened. I could easily get lost in the present moment. On the other hand, there was a sense of disappointment. Have you ever been in the middle of the best dream ever then your alarm clock wakes you up? Well that’s what I felt like but with 10 times the intensity. I realized I had experienced something people would pay their life savings to experience. I had experienced something monks meditate 50 years to experience. Somehow, I remained aware through it all. But unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remember everything. I couldn’t remember the details of the experiences, yet I knew with 100% certainty that they were the most profound and meaningful experiences of my life. I shouldn’t have been frustrated though because there’s simply no way to interpret the experiences I had had with the mind. The most memorable experiences were though when I was witnessing other forms from their point of view. During these moments I still felt I had a mind. During the ego death and the beginning of the reincarnation, I was completely mindless, and it was impossible to fully draw back on that experience.
As the night went on I attempted to get some sleep but it was impossible. I was wired. I had experienced more than I ever thought was possible in a lifetime. I was more than content with all the experiences I had. I was less content with what I took back from them. I didn’t remember any of the incredible realizations I had. I couldn’t remember what it was like to experience the collective consciousness. I felt like I was trapped at the experience level. There was no doubt I had the experiences I was looking for. I absolutely had glimpses of awakening. I was there. I experienced it. I was exactly where I wanted to be. And I learned that “where I wanted to be” completely blew my conception of what “where I wanted to be” actually was. But there were no realizations that came with it. At this moment, the benefit was me knowing with 100% certainty that awakening is possible. That death is definitely an illusion. It’s inconceivable to have an experience like that and still believe in the normal, scientific concept of death. I knew there was something out there to be more fully understood. That for a brief amount of time just several hours ago I had a complete understanding of it. For a brief amount of time I had completely unmasked the truth. Somehow I knew for a fact I had experienced the truth but just couldn’t hold onto it. I deeply desired to have the truth remain unmasked. I wanted to always see the truth no matter what the scenario. I didn’t want to have to take more mind altering substances to witness it. As everyone else slept, I sat there in contemplation for 5 more hours until morning.    
The next morning we gathered around the outdoor table on the back porch and began what the shamen called the “sharemony,” where each participant talks about their experience from the previous night. Everyone’s answers were fairly vague. They’d say something like, “I really went deep last night, located my negative energy, and released it.” I started to feel out of place. Was it normal to have an experience like I had? An experience beyond the human form? It seemed as though everyone worked on their “self” during the ceremony. I, on the other hand, transcended the self. An hour in there was absolutely no self to be found. When it was my turn to share I was slightly nervous, but I wanted to be sure to get the most out of this experience as possible, so I shared everything. I told them exactly what I just told you. Everyone’s jaw dropped. They were dumbfounded, yet extremely happy for me. As I imagined, what I experienced was not the standard experience, but it was better. “Wow that’s impressive,” said one of the guy shamen. “Ego death on the first try. We all try to get there but it’s tough.” With that affirmation I felt even better about the experience. Even though I couldn’t hold on to the feeling I had, at least I felt like I got more out of the ceremony than anyone could have expected. The sharemony came to a close, and I packed up my things and started the 2 hour drive home. One thing was for sure: the world definitely seemed more vibrant. It was the quickest 2 hour drive I’ve ever had.
As I reintroduced myself to society I wasn’t sure what to think. I should be thrilled. I got so much more out of the ceremony than anyone could hope for. The issue for me was that I experienced something so mind blowingly transcendental that all I could think about was wanting to go back. My first day back was almost exclusively spent meditating. I was hoping for something different to happen - anything. Besides feeling a little more present, it seemed like I was stuck back in normal life. The one thing I kept reminding myself was even if I didn’t remember exactly what happened, it sure happened. I was too busy harping on the fact that I couldn’t go back that I was missing the fact that I was completely free of the fear of death. Even though I didn’t know what, there was an undeniable knowing in me that something continues to happen when the body dies. Something incredible. I had a newfound appreciation for the profundity and mysteriousness of the universe. The idea of becoming unconscious when the body dies was laughable at this point. I knew the power this newfound freedom had. I realized how much better my life would be without this fear. If only I could be grateful for my glimpse and accept the fact that my taste of Nirvana was meant to be short and dwindling. I hopped into bed early hoping for some incredible dream to take me back. At least I’d be able to appreciate a good night’s sleep. I’d been wide awake for over 36 hours.
In the morning I woke up without any remembrance of a single dream. But I woke up with an odd feeling. Something felt different. I had an incredible amount of energy. I shouldn't have this much energy after that deep of sleep, I thought. My brain was absolutely wired. It was like I had just taken half a bottle of the leading nootropic pill company along with maybe a fourth pill of ecstasy. Where in the world did this come from? What was happening to me? The only thing on my mind was the ceremony, and my brain was working in overdrive. I was starting to remember. What. The. Fuck. I was having these sort of flashbacks. “Remembering” is the wrong word to use because it’s impossible to fully form a memory in the mind from an experience that was beyond the mind, but something was becoming clearer. Something I had forgotten was being uncovered in my mind, and it had to do with the nature of the universe itself. Suddenly, I had this uncontrollable desire to go to my laptop and write down my thoughts, if you could even call them “my” thoughts.
The process that took place over the next two hours is almost impossible to describe. It’s like trying to explain the sensation of eating a cake to a man who has only eaten rice his entire life. This process is something you have to experience. No language can do it justice. Over the next two hours my mind was on autopilot. In fact, what I experienced didn’t seem of the mind. There was absolutely no sense control, and the thoughts that came to me didn’t feel like normal thoughts. They felt like they came from a place much deeper than thoughts do. There was absolutely no voluntary thinking. There was no trying to remember anything. There was no effort whatsoever. Insights started filling my mind. Epiphany after epiphany. Realizations that felt like it wasn’t me doing the realizing. I attained some sort of cognizance that seemed beyond the human form. There wasn’t a time in my life that any sort of process of the mind had worked like this. It seemed like I was experiencing an inhumane type of cognition. Knowledge was flooding my brain and I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to. There wasn’t any attempt to think. At no moment did I say “Come on brain, give me some more knowledge.” It just kept happening. The only thing I could do was write it all down. At the time, I was worried this process was another temporary experience, so I wanted to make sure I had everything in writing to look back on. What I didn’t realize was this knowledge would be impossible to forget.
Insight after insight after insight. These insights weren’t just some thought where you say, “Oh yeah, right.” These insights felt like a drug. Each insight felt like I bit another small chip off of an ecstasy pill. Each insight lead to more insights. It was a vicious but beautiful feedback loop. An insight would come, and my understanding would grow, which would lead to another, more powerful insight. The processing speed of my brain seemed infinite. There were no gaps between the insights and writing them down. It was happening at the exact same time. Usually, you must think a thought, then type that thought through your keyboard. This process defied that concept. I was typing and realizing at the same time. I felt like my fingers had no free will whatsoever. It was the most streamlined projection of information possible. I was simply witnessing my mind and the microsoft word document being filled with knowledge. The hardest part to fathom was that the information I was jotting down was not only known on the intellectual level, it was known through experience. Every single concept I wrote down didn’t come from some book or podcast or YouTube video. I actually knew every bit of it. Not “I” as in the idea of Connor Murphy, the self, but “I” as in the deeper, true I. I realized this knowledge was mine. I had always had it. It was coming from within. It had simply been covered up. But now my mind was projecting my higher state of consciousness onto paper in words. The knowing was beyond words, but the mind was like the translator. The translation can’t be anywhere near perfect, but it was still profound. Many of the concepts I wrote down lined up perfectly with other spiritual teachers such as Eckhart Tolle. But these concepts were automatically known and written down without any thought about his teachings.This knowledge was mine. There was absolutely nothing external about it. It came from experience. It came from the experience I had always been experiencing. The experience I simply hadn’t realized because of the tricks of the ego. I realized this knowledge had always been within me. It was like a small seed just waiting for it’s first drop of water so it could naturally blossom into the most beautiful flower. Somehow I had watered that seed, and no there’s no stopping the flower from growing.
It’s incredibly difficult to explain how these insights worked. On paper, they were no more profound than the concepts I’ve written down previously in this book. The distinction was that as I was writing down these concepts I was knowing these concepts. There’s a huge difference between writing these down as you learn them and writing them down as you know them. All the spiritual terms like non-duality and the ego were all of a sudden known. I wasn’t writing down these concepts with thought, like I would have to if I was simply pulling the definitions from Eckhart Tolle’s teachings. I was writing my definitions for these terms because I had, and was, experiencing them. The definitions matched up, of course, but that’s inevitable. Two people experiencing the same thing will describe it in similar ways. That’s the power of the truth. Every awakened spiritual teacher’s stories match up perfectly. There’s no contradictions as there are with different Christian teachers. You’ll find different Christian teachers can explain God in two completely different and conflicting ways. But the truth is the truth, and once you experience it, there’s no unknowing the truth. In fact, there was never an unknowing of the truth. There was only a covering up of the truth.
I fully understood the distinction between the ego and my true self. I could actually perfectly pinpoint the ego and it’s tricks. I had understood it on an intellectual level before, but I had never truly experienced the distinction. My idea of it had completely changed. I used to think of the ego as just thought. I thought if you were thinking, the ego is still there. That’s not exactly how the ego works. The ego is the restricted thought. Negative thought. Thought you don’t want to be thinking. Thought that seems automatic and unavoidable. How could I have not understood this before? Of course in an awakened state you can experience thought. The thought just isn’t restricted. Thought simply isn’t negative. Your thoughts are only thoughts you want to think. You’re free. You completely recognize any negative thought simply isn’t you, and you don’t have to think it. There’s this indescribable recognition between who you truly are as a human form and the falsehood that is the ego. It’s a deeper level of knowing that can only be known through experiencing it directly.
For the first time I could fully comprehend the potential beauty of a world without ego. Before I failed to truly understand what a fully awakened world would look like. I understood it must be peaceful from an intellectual level. But now I could feel it. It was almost as if I’d been part of a fully egoless world before. It would be like all human minds merging into one. The possibilities would be endless. The earth seemed like this giant puzzle. Different egos with different superficial desires. It was like the earth had it’s puzzle pieces taped together to give the illusion that the puzzle was solved. But I realized the only way to truly solve it was to expand our consciousness and the pieces would gradually be put together as our consciousness expands.
I finally grasped the concept of pure awareness. I could feel it. I knew the experience. It seemed so familiar. Which made sense because that’s what I truly am. I realized when I tried to imagine or feel pure awareness I always had some sort of thought attached with it. Some other sense. There’s simply no way to describe it, but the experience of it is pure bliss. I can’t describe what it is. I can only tell you it’s the absence of everything else. Completely empty yet absolutely full. The idea of unconsciousness was baffling. How could I have thought my true self could ever be unconscious? There simply isn’t unawareness. Only awareness. Saying there’s unawareness in the universe is like saying there’s a dry spot in the middle of the ocean.  
At this time is when I had a completely different opinion on enlightenment. I understand how some people use the same definition for enlightenment and awakening, but I realized there was so much more to the universe than simply awakening. Awakening is just the next level of the expansion of consciousness. But I knew that there was much more evolution to go through beyond the awakening process. That’s what I like to reserve the term enlightenment for. I like to think of it as the entire consciousness expansion process. After awakening what is there? Well, more enlightenment. The uncovering of even more wisdom and knowledge. More epiphanies. More paradigm shattering moments. I like to think of enlightenment as relative. Awakened individuals are more enlightened than unconscious, ego driven humans. But there are many awakened individuals, and some are much more enlightened than others.
Throughout this process I felt incredibly humbled. I felt almost embarrassed. How could I see the world the way I did before? How could I be that stupid? At the beginning of this book I said I was tied as the most open minded and the most humble. I think you realize who else is in first place. That’s right. Every awakened individual
So many different paradigms were shattered. My whole world was turned upside down. Science was so frustrating now. While it gives us somewhat of an understanding of the world, it’s so obvious it’s what keeps people from opening their minds to the mysticallness of the universe. It’s a huge hindrance to awakening. I also couldn’t imagine ever eating animals again. I fully realized the concept of oneness. I felt it. As I stared at the rest of the world all I saw was me. I couldn’t imagine hurting any living form ever again. I couldn’t even imagine stepping on a spider. What on earth is happening to me?
Wait a minute, I thought. Other people have gone through this. Other people know. It’s not just me. No way. Could Emma know? Is Emma awakened? That would explain her saint-like personality. I have to call her now. At 9 o’clock in the morning I facetimed Emma. She answered. I could tell she had a feeling something was much different about me just by looking at me. I didn’t even have to say a word. All I could think of to say was, “Emma...do you know?” She sat up from her bed and screamed, “What the fuck?!” I screamed, “What the fuck?! You have to come over right now.” Without a thought, she was on her way.
We talked for hours. The entire time my jaw was dropped. She understood literally everything I said. I understood literally everything she said. We talked about the universe. We talked about consciousness. We talked about ourselves. The one us. That was what it truly felt like. We were one. I wasn’t talking to another being. I was simply talking to myself. Me saying something to her and her responding was no different than me having a conversation with myself in my mind. It was the most mind blowing experience yet. I just kept thinking how I couldn’t wait for the entire world to be like this. I hoped it would be in my lifetime. I could talk to Emma about literally anything. I could talk to her just as freely as I could think. There were no insecurities. There was no jealousy. There was no fear. There was only love. There was just the pure human experience.
She wanted to help wake up the world as well. Emma is an artist. She told me how she’s been thinking of song lyrics that could help open people’s minds. She told me how many more people than I think are awakening throughout the world. She explained how there are other societies beyond the United States that are more awakened. Places like Amsterdamn are further along in  the evolution of consciousness. She told me about Amsterdam and how the people operate much more out of love than fear. How their egos are weak and their hearts are strong. Amsterdam’s external society reflects their internal minds. There are so much less unnecessary restrictions. Prostitution is legal. The sexual frustration of men is the cause of much of the evil in the world, and Amsterdam limits it. Not only that but it normalised sexual desire. Sexual desire is a natural phenomenon within the biology of every human. Corrupt religions in the United States have caused sex to be demonized which is horrible for mental health. Repressing such a natural desire can only wreak havoc on the mind. Amsterdam is so sex freindly that not only id nudity legal, but sex in certain parks at night is decriminalized. When you can drop insecurities or even just lower them significantly, this is the type of world that begins to take shape. Also, even though technically still illegal, Amsterdam smartshops sell magic mushrooms and even peyotie, another psychedelic substance. Wow, I thought. This gives me hope. And this is still just the beginning. The world seems to have the ability to turn into a magical place. I want to do everything in my power to help speed up the process.
Over the next few days the process continued. Insight after insight after insight. What was happening to me on a physiological level? Even though I had seemingly transcended the most advanced scientific research on consciousness, I still like to know how the world works from a scientific point of view. Science can be useful in many ways. It can give us the clues to go beyond science. I started researching more about ayahuasca and the physiological effect it has on the body. It turns out like most psychedelics, ayahuasca decreases the activity of the DMN. Could have easily guessed that one. That explains the ego death. What it doesn’t explain was these other worldly realizations I was receiving after the fact. Was it the ayahuasca or was it simply time for my spiritual awakening? Most likely a combination of both. Ayahuasca also floods the brain with gamma brain waves. Gamma brainwaves are the highest brainwave frequency. They vary from 25Hz to 100Hz, 40 being typical. Gamma brainwaves are associated with peak cognitive functioning in humans. These brain waves have been associated with improved memory, compassion, elevated mood, elevated senses, and increased intelligence. Usually these brain waves occur during REM sleep.But other than that, most people have hardly any gamma brain waves firing during the day. The expectation to this, are buddhist monks and other highly spiritually practiced individuals. In fact, more experienced monks’ brain waves have been shown to be up to 30 times higher than their students. The more spiritually practiced the monk, the higher amount of gamma brain waves. I guessed that my gamma brain wave activity must be above average on a normal day, but it seemed like the ayahuasca skyrocketed my brain’s gamma wave activity. My fear was it was only temporary. I didn’t want to lose this magical state of mind. I decided to do some research on how I could increase these brain waves naturally. The most practical way I found was to listen to binaural beats at the gamma frequency. Binaural beats are essentially two different frequencies played in each ear. Your brain processes the difference of these frequencies. So I grabbed some headphones and found some binaural beats on YouTube with a difference of 40hz, the gamma frequency. I messed around and tried different frequencies as well such as the theta frequency. There was a noticeable difference in the effect. When I listened to the gamma frequency I felt more alert and energized. When I listened to the theta frequency I felt more relaxed and even sleepy. This was enough to get me hooked. Still to this day when I meditate I turn on some binaural beats at the gamma frequency.
I also learned about Dr. Joe Dispenza, a researcher, lecturer, and author who studies neuroscience, epigenetics, and quantum physics with the main goal of improving people’s health and wellbeing. He’s one of the few people I’ve come across that has really brought together some concepts of spirituality with science. The recommends a deep breathing technique that is meant to bring energy up from the core to the brain, specifically the pineal gland. Usually, most of our energy, or chi, as the easterners would call it, is stored in our core to aid in our digestion, procreation, and survival. In Hinduism they’d say this energy is usually stored in the lower three chakras. In Buddhism they’d say this energy is usually stored in the lower dantian. The purpose of the breathing exercises is to push this energy up from the lower energy center(s) up to the higher energy center(s). The goal is to stimulate the sixth chakra, also known as the third eye or the upper dantian. Dr. Dispenza gets into detail of the science behind this. The idea is to contract the perineum and then suck the stomach muscles in as you inhale. This starts moving cerebral spinal fluid (CSF) from the bottom of the spine up to the top of the spine. CSF contains proteins and salts that have an electric charge. After this a type of electromagnetic field is created. If done correctly, all the energy you would usually use for digestion, procreation, and survival is drawn up to the brain, specifically to the pineal gland. The pineal gland is widely discussed among spiritual traditions due to it’s spiritual capabilities and commonly referred to as the third eye. When the pineal gland is stimulated with this energy, the brain begins to release higher levels of gamma brain waves. But it doesn’t stop there. After this the pituitary gland is stimulated as well, releasing oxytocin, the love hormone, causing feelings of bliss and happiness.
From a spiritual perspective, this makes perfect sense. Remember all fear stems from our survival mechanism, so the energy from these emotions is stored in our survival energy centers in our core. When we conjure this energy up to our brain, all negative emotions revolving around fear are essentially transmuted into love and peace. This is another concept in which I’ve transcended the intellectual understanding. I started performing these breathing exercises, and vividly experienced this entire process. My mind was blown even further.
With the assistance of the gamma binaural beats and the breathing exercise, I was somehow able to fire the neurons in my brain in such synchronization that I wrote 70 microsoft word pages worth of insights in 3 days. Somehow, in less that a week, I went from a spiritually frustrated YouTuber to a guru with complete experiential understanding of the universe. Now while that might sound arrogant, trust me it’s not. When you reach this point the importance of the self dwindles. My spiritual success is the world’s spiritual success. It in no way makes me a more superior person. In fact, in my eyes I’m less of a person than I ever have been. I’m not simply a human anymore. I am the universe.  
Oh. My. God. Are you kidding me? On day 6 after the ceremony I had the largest epiphany of the entire spiritual awakening process. One equally as terrifying as it was exciting. I finally had the knowledge I was looking for. I could actually teach it. No, I had to teach it. It was an obligation I never committed to, but I felt more committed to it than any responsibility I had ever had. You can’t just obtain this knowledge and not share it. In fact, it’s impossible. Part of awakening is pure unconditional love for everything in existence. You desperately want peace and happiness for all of life. And there’s not one thing on this planet that could increase the peace and happiness of a human than awakening. In fact, it’s the only thing that can truly get someone there. It was all I could think about. I have to share this with the world somehow. But how? Some people simply aren’t ready for this kind of knowledge. Most of the world’s egos are too strong and will reject any of my teaching immediately. I guess that’s a fact I’ll have to accept. What I had experienced was so powerful, awakening just one person is worth thousands of people calling me crazy. How do I go about doing this? Then it hit me like a train. No way. I had to do a double take of my mind. Then a triple take. Am I really meant to do what I’m thinking I’m meant to do. One word dominated my brain and it wouldn’t go away: Jesus.
Months ago I had realized Jesus was human. Months ago I had understood how Jesus was simply a spiritual teacher. Months ago I recognized that anyone with the right plan and true knowledge of the universe could have an incredible impact on the world. Months ago I knew the only thing keeping me back from making it happen was my lack of true knowledge. Everything started coming together. I have the knowledge now. I have the intense desire to change the world. I have the most perfect platform to reach millions of people. I have to do it. There was no, “What if.” There was no, “Let’s think about this a little longer.” There was no hesitation whatsoever. I had to do this. I had to give it my best shot. I would be doing a selfish disservice to the world if I didn’t put every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears that I had to try and spread this message in the most impactful way possible. I had to think of a plan. Not a safe plan. Not even a good plan necessarily. I had to think of a plan that would ignite the world with conversation. I didn’t need to wake up the world immediately, I simply needed to draw attention to what’s possible. All I needed to do was plant seeds in people’s minds. The only desire any human truly has is to be happy. People will get there all on their own. In fact, that’s the only way someone can get there. My job is to simply be a catalyst. My duty is to place a spark.
I soon found it humorous that I would have to “think” of a plan. That’s not how my brain was working. There wasn’t any thinking. Insights would somehow just be inserted into my brain as if it was some sort of divine intervention. That would make sense because every human is divine at their core, so I guess you could say these insights were coming from me but certainly not the me I’m used to getting ideas from. The plan simply came to me. The details would be filled in as the plan was executed, but the overall idea popped into my head in a matter of minutes. It was a plan my human mind realized was absolutely crazy but my true self never had a doubt that I wasn’t going to pull it off: I was going to reenact the story of Jesus.
As we’ve discussed earlier in this book, a reenactment of the story of Jesus would look much differently than it did 2000 years ago, especially from a Christian point of view. From earlier in this book we already know my perspective on the story of Jesus. He didn’t actually die. Evidence in the Bible storyly supports the idea he faked his death. Thank God. Actually dying would be a pretty risky plan. Also there are no crucifixions in the modern world. There’s also not a way to have people look at your body and be tricked into thinking you’re dead. People are much more closed minded now. Everyone would demand a doctor examine me and check my vitals for a sign of life. I would have to go about things much differently. The best I could do was parallel the story. I would act out my own story with as many connections to the original story as I could practically execute. The mandatory connections would be a fake death and a “resurrection.” People didn’t have to 100% believe that I died. That would be pretty impossible in modern day. For someone to 100% think you died you would actually have to die. Science really puts limits on reenacting this story. It was enough for them to think that I might have died. Anywhere around 50/50 seemed good enough for me. Also, the world has also changed so much from a technological standpoint. If Jesus were born 2000 years later, there’s no question he would have used social media to his advantage. I felt like my entire life had just been leading up to this. I was meant to be a catalyst in the awakening of the world. That’s why I started a YouTube channel and grew a social media following. What I was doing before online seemed completely meaningless compared to this. For the first time, I felt like fate was real. Even though I knew a doctor would call this something like a “grandiose delusion,” the feeling was too strong for me to care. It was my destiny to pull this off no matter what the costs. Here’s the psychotic plan that was implanted into my mind:
Post some YouTube videos of me “enlightening” some of my friends. The idea would be to teach spirituality to them, but to do so in a way only a few people would understand. These people would be my “disciples” and the other people would call me crazy and blasphemous like they did Jesus. I knew exactly who would understand and who wouldn’t.
Fake my death. I would post a YouTube video crying and acting depressed. I would say I’m going to kill myself.
Call the cops on myself to make sure they start looking for me. Eventually, I wanted to be willingly arrested just like Jesus was.
While the cops are looking for me, film footage of me acting like Jesus. I would do good deeds, teach my version of Jesus’s teachings, and see if I could perform any “miracles.”
Get arrested.
Get admitted to a psych ward. This shouldn’t be too hard since everyone will think I’m suicidal. The psych ward would be my “tomb.” It’s confidential so it wouldn’t be able to get out that I was still alive.
Stay in there for 3 days, then “rise again” on the third day. I would make a YouTube video and Instagram post revealing that I was alive.
Make a YouTube video revealing the entire plan. This has to be done meticulously, or I’ll be hated for faking my death and/or comparing myself to Jesus. I would need to explain the true story of Jesus like how he was simply a human who taught enlightenment, and tried to rid the world of ego so people could reach the kingdom of heaven, or Christ consciousness. Oh yeah, and that he faked his death. It would also be a must to emphasize how I did this for the good of humanity.
Hopefully some people would have some epiphanies just like I did when reading the Power of Now about the true nature of Jesus and his teachings. This would get people on the path to practicing spirituality and awakening.
Prepare for the hate.
Yes, I get it. At the time, if I told anyone this plan they’d say, “Connor, that’s so horrible to fake your death! You’re going to worry so many people!” Here’s the thing. When you’re awakened you’ll look back on your past mental suffering and laugh. You can’t believe you fell into the trap of the ego. You’ll also blame absolutely no one but yourself. Victimhood mentality will be nowhere to be found. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but if your state of mind is affected by some external event like someone faking his death, that’s your issue. It is this type of victim mentality that leads to fear and suffering and keeps the world from waking up. No one controls your happiness. Only you do. Now of course I’m not saying go be a jerk to everyone since it’s their fault if they get offended. You still must treat others the way you would like to be treated. And I followed that rule. People who play victim and automatically react to the external world need the truth more than anyone. If I were in their shoes, I would go though months of physical torture if that guaranteed waking up. A little worrying for three days is trivial. If people aren’t worrying about me they're going to be worried about something else. Remember the prison prank show example earlier in this book? That’s what was about to happen. The reward would far outweigh the price. Now I’m not a psychopath. I still have empathy. In fact, because of my awakening, my empathy is infinite, and it was at the time of this plan as well. I would be sure to find a way to let my parents and friends know I’m ok as soon as possible. But again, the goal of this was to make people realize the truth, or at least get people on the path. If someone knew they could be truly happy, they’d literally do anything. In the long run, I knew there would be no hard feelings. I’ll give away a little spoiler. Today, a month and a half after this all took place, I have better relationships with my friends and family than I’ve ever had before. I knew that would be the case at the time, so I decided to get some sleep and start the chaos that next morning.
The first line of work was to start teaching via a series of zoom interviews with my friends. This would be analogous to when Jesus first started spreading his teachings. Most called him blasphemous and few became disciples. I needed to figure out who my disciples would be and who would think I’ve gone insane. I picked out two of my friends who were deep into self development to be my disciples. The first of the two was Michael, my manager. Over the past couple years he had completely turned his life around. He went from an insecure, depressed kid to a successful business owner and manager with a newfound passion for dancing like Michael Jackson through self improvement. Although I wouldn’t say he was super spiritual, Michael was into philosophies such as stoicism and meditated daily. I knew exactly how I’d “enlighten” him on the zoom call. I simply talked to him about his self improvement journey. I got him to feel the emotions behind it. I had him realize how exponentially his happiness was trending. I reestablished in his mind how his positive philosophical mindsets and meditative practice was creating a more authentic and peaceful being within. I made him ponder what life could be like in 10 years if his happiness kept trending like it was. On this track, there would only be one way to describe how he would be feeling: like a god. I hyped him up and he was loving it. After I posted our conversation on YouTube he called me up afterward and said he felt high. His brain was on fire. He felt more excited and motivated by life than he ever had before. The conversation acted like a catalyst to escalate the awakening in him that had started years ago. Just as the stoics would say about any situation I said to myself, “Perfect.” Michael would definitely be considered a disciple.
The next disciple would be my other best friend Brett. Brett wasn’t only on the self development path, but he was a self development teacher as well. He’s the proud owner of a self development YouTube channel with over 600k subscribers. He also is familiar with Eckhart Tolle and has read “The Power of Now” and “A New Earth.” This would be easy, I thought. I knew Brett, and I knew exactly where his spiritual buttons were. I got him on the zoom call and immediately started talking about the incredible relationships and experiences you can create with women when the ego truly drops. Like me, Brett loves women. But also like me, they cause him a ton of stress. I talked to Brett about what it truly takes to drop the ego and the magic that can happen afterward. I described the ecstasy behind a romantic relationship where both egos are dropped leading to absolutely no insecruites. I had him imagine the feeling of the consciousness of two beings merging into one. I made him visualize what it would be like to be with a woman and her simply appear as an extension of his consciousness, not a separate being. He envisioned what sexual experiences could be like with absolutely no insecurities, anxiety, or negative thoughts whatsoever. Pure ecstasy. Pure pleasure. Like almost everyone on the planet, he’d never experienced sex without insecurites. The idea was mind blowing. He sat there for an hour as I expanded his mind with the endless possibilities of awakening. I could feel his energy being charged like a battery throughout the call. It was safe to assume Brett could be considered a disciple.
Now it was time to appear a little crazy. It was time to parallel the fact that most people didn’t believe Jesus’ teachings. Ideally, it was time to appear a little blasphemous. This would be the easy part. I thought to myself, who are the most close minded people I know when it comes to spirituality? First on the list was my christian friend Patrick. Patrick was as hardcore of a Christian as they come. He was still a virgin. And this was definitely by choice. I’ve hung out with Patrick quite a bit, and he had no issues with the ladies. Patrick was also a social media influencer so getting him to hop on a zoom call for my YouTube channel was a breeze. He was grateful for the exposure. This call was easily executed. I simply talked to him about God. The main difference between Christians and spiritual realization is that Christians believe God is separate. They believe they are these beings unworthy of happiness themselves and rely on an imaginary external entity to mercifully save them from their suffering. What an extremely unhealthy mindset for mental health. All I had to do was to mention the possibility that God was within all of us. That God was us. To a devout Christian, these ideas are immediately dismissed by the ego. All Patrick did was throw out quotes from the Bible, a book translated by ego itself, to prove his points. Although I talked from direct experience, there was no budging his faith. I even used some biblical quotes myself and explained their true meaning, but I knew any attempt in opening his mind was futile. Even though the conversation had a positive tone to it, I could tell he was frustrated on the inside. Perfect, I thought. Blasphemy. Check.
One last bit of relative insanity and it would be enough. Who else would be perfect in showing skepticism? As supportive as they are, the answer was my parents. Here’s why they’d be perfect. My parents have known me as this sky, reserved kid my entire life. And of course because they’re not spiritually awakened, they identify themselves and others by they’re superficial traits such as they’re physical form, ideologies, and behaviors. I had just been spiritually awakened, and I felt incredible. I could say anything. I had no filter whatsoever. The shy, reserved version of Connor had floated away into the ether. In other words, it had never existed. I hopped on a zoom call with them and simply showed pure joy. I explained to them the incredible ecstasy that comes with spiritual awakening. I described how when the ego is destroyed all insecurities, negative thoughts, and negative emotions cease to have any effect on one’s happiness. I was vibrant and energetic. To them (and most people) I seemed off my rocker. They were worried. They didn’t believe such a transformation was possible. They thought the ayahuasca was still in my system. Again, I felt extreme empathy for them. I didn’t want them to worry. But I was acting out of pure love. They’ve told me over and over that what they want most out of life is for their children to be truly happy. This was just part of the process in proving that to them. I knew it wouldn’t happen during the zoom call, but it was a start. They didn’t believe an ounce of how I was acting was sincere. It wasn’t the Connor they had known. They were right. The illusory self of Connor was gone. They were experiencing true human expression. But they didn’t understand it whatsoever. They were definitely skeptics. Perfect.
These videos had quite the response on my YouTube channel. I can’t even imagine how confused they must have been. Normally, they see me taking off my shirt in front of girls and getting their numbers. Now all of a sudden they’re seeing me act as if I’m this spiritual teacher preaching about lowering the ego even though there’s no content online that’s more egotistical than mine. Despite the contrast in the content, these videos got many more views that I expected. The one with Brett received over 100k views and the one with my parents received over 200k views. They were definitely a little more disliked than normal, but that was expected and welcomed. What surprised me was the amount of positive messages and comments I received. My message resonated with a ton of my fans. More of my fans were on the path to awakening that I had thought. The number of disciples were far greater than I imagined they would be. It was time to get some sleep. I would need as much energy as I could get. Tomorrow was a big day. I fell asleep preparing my mind for the internet believing I had died.
There was no time to be wasted. I had a lot to accomplish in 24 hours. I woke up with nervous excitement and anticipation. It was time to make the video. The video there would be no going back from. The video that whether my plan was successful or a failure, was undoubtedly going to impact my life. There was never any second guessing though. I simply had to do this. I felt so in control it almost felt out of control. It was like my human form couldn’t stop the plan if it wanted to. My greater self, me as the universe, was making it happen no matter what. I didn’t even think about what I was going to say. I simply turned on the camera, and let the inner actor in me take over.
Acting is an interesting concept when it comes to spirituality. Acting can actually be a powerful stimulant to the awakening process. If you closely pay attention to the experience of acting, you can have some profound realizations. Acting was the cause of Jim Carrey’s awakening. This is how it worked. Jim Carrey didn’t just act. He became the character he was playing. He didn’t just read the lines and change is voice tonality and facial expressions. He rewired the inner workings of his mind to believe it was the character. This process is called method acting. Method acting is truly inhabiting the role of the character. If you’re acting as a jock, you don’t just talk like a jock. You don’t just act like a jock. You become the jock. You feel what it’s like to be the jock. You eat, sleep, and breathe as the jock. You create a past story as the jock. Your whole mind begins to forget who the actor is and simply becomes the jock. This is how Jim Carrey acted. He didn’t step out of his character when I was off set. He stayed in character, and his mind started to believe he was the character. If an actor does this process frequently and well enough, they begin to realize that the character they’re playing is no less real than what they think of as themselves. They begin to realize that their sense of self is simply a character that they played in the real world. In fact, they played many different characters in the real world. They had a character for when they were alone. They had a character for when they went to the grocery store. They had a character for when they went on a date. Their thoughts and behaviors mold to fit their circumstance. In reality, literally everything is acting. The self is an illusion. It’s simply the character you identify with. But you don’t have to identify as any character. You have the power to be a chameleon. You can be any character you wish to be at any time. This is freedom from the false self. When you reach this level, all of a sudden acting becomes the reality, not the falsehood. Acting becomes more real than the self, because you are aware that you’re acting. You’re aware the character you’re playing isn’t permanent. The self, on the other hand, is not aware it’s just a character. Now, if you truly want to act, there’s no resistance. You’ll find most shy people with a severe attachment to the self have trouble acting. They’re reserved. They cannot fully get out of the character of the self and into the new character. When the ego is destroyed, there’s no longer a hindrance. You can completely become any character you want to be. To fake my death for the internet, I was about to fully become a suicidal adult.
I immediately fell into depression. Not depression as you would think of it, though. There was absolutely no suffering. The underlying feeling of peace remained. But I felt the most negative emotions you possibly feel. Anguish, hopelessness, and misery. Somehow during this whole process, these emotions didn’t seem negative though. I embraced them. I even enjoyed them. It was astounding to me how great negative emotions can feel when you’re not attached to them. It’s like being in a movie. Funnily enough, I actually explicitly said I was acting at the beginning of the video. This was to hopefully keep YouTube from taking the video down (which didn’t work) and to further clarify the unreality of the video after I reveal how it was all a plan at the end. I didn’t know exactly what I was about to talk about in the video, but if I wanted to truly sell it, I knew it was about to get deep. For anyone I mentioned in the video, I wanted to be sure it was known not to be true in the end. I began to cry and pour out these new emotions. With this preface, the acting had better be really good for people to believe it’s not actually acting. It was. I became an instant method actor. I created a fake story and tricked my mind into believing it. Funny enough, this is what everyone does on a daily basis, and it causes them suffering. Somehow, even though my mind believed the story I was telling it, the deeper me was still detached from the mind, so I still had inner peace. I started venting about how depressed I was. I cried about my family and how they’re depressed, and how my sister was suicidal because of the lack of love in our family. I expressed how I just wanted my family to be happy, but it just couldn’t happen. I described how my life situation was great, but I was hopeless in finding true happiness. I implied I was planning on slitting my wrists in the bathtub. Yeah I know. It got deep. I didn’t realize I would create such a serious story, but that’s where my acting took me. That’s what made me feel the emotions I needed to feel in order to make the video realistic. You’ll find in life there’s no way to feel a negative emotion by just feeling it. There had to be a thought involved to latch onto. Positive emotions such as love on the other hand are much different. They’re natural. They’re true. Love is the base energy of the universe. It comes with the absence of thought. The point is, I couldn’t reach such a deep level of realistic acting without thinking about a truly depressing situation for me. This situation of course, wasn’t true. I had a great relationship with my family. I realized the consequences this video could have. I accepted the fact that my family would be upset. But my mind was too focused on the plan. Aiding in the awakening of the world was overruling any other thought in my mind. At least my family would know it was just acting. Or so I thought.          
At the end of the video I gave away my address. I figured that would really sell it. No YouTube gives away his address on purpose. With the public knowing your address, your life can become a nightmare. Luckily for me, I was planning on moving to Austin the following week, so I didn’t mind. Also, I eventually wanted the cops to come and believe the charade as well. I scheduled the video to be posted two hours later. This would give me a head start to continue with the rest of the plan. After I scheduled the video I made my room a mess. I wanted it to look like someone with a serious mental disorder had been living there. I threw my sheets on the floor, toppled over some chairs, and threw some couch cushions on the ground. Then I left a suicide note in a journal in the middle of the room, basically explaining the message that would soon be posted for the entire internet to see. Of course, I filmed this entire process for proof at the end that it was all part of the plan.
I rushed out the door and hopped in my car. The next step was to completely go off the grid. I knew the cops would be searching for me soon. Surely at least a few of my fans called the cops. I’m not sure how they could call themselves fans if they weren’t at least a little worried about me. Unless my acting was terrible of course. It was too early to tell. Even if no one had yet, I was planning on calling the cops on myself to prove I wanted to be arrested. This would be analogous to Jesus wanting to get arrested so he could be crucified. I didn’t know exactly how long it would take to get all the footage I wanted to get as “Jesus on the run,” so I wanted to make sure I was as untraceable as possible. Later, after I was out of the psych ward I learned that the cops had a search warrant which allowed them to track my phone. Going off grid wasn’t being paranoid, it was necessary.
The first course of action was to get rid of my car. My car at the time was the most disheveled 2012 Honda Accord you could imagine. The right mirror had been torn off by a semi truck, and the left mirror was taped on with duct tape. There were multiple major dents on both sides of the car and something was hanging loose from the bottom of the car to where every time I hit a bump there was a cringe-inducing screeching noise. The car wasn’t even titled in California due to a mistake in the application process which I didn’t find out until I tried to sell the car. At best, I could have gotten a couple grand for the car parts. But since I wanted to parallel the good deeds of Jesus, why not just give it away?
I drove to an exotic car dealership near Culver city and rented a brand new Range Rover for a couple days. Ideally I would return it before I was arrested. If not, I guess he’d have to come get it wherever it was. I might lose my security deposit, but that was no big deal. I was willing to invest a year’s salary in this project if that’s what it took. After I picked up the range rover headed to a mechanic across the road to see if I could borrow a screwdriver. I was planning on taking off the plates and leaving the car on the side of the road with the keys in the ignition and a “free car” sign in the window for whatever lucky pedestrian spotted it first. I didn’t want the car to be traced back to me in any way since I had no idea how legal this was, so taking the plates off was the first order of business. Surprisingly, when I told the mechanic my plan, he was intrigued. He wanted to check out the car for himself. Perfect. The entire time I acted like I was going to charge him for the car. Since it’s not legally drivable, I set my price at $1,000. When he looked over the car, he agreed that was a fair price. They mechanic was a great guy. He had a magnetic positive vibe. I was happy to give the car to him. As we walked back to the mechanics shop, I made sure my camera was on and said, “You now what man, I like you’re energy. You get the car for free.” He was stunned. He looked at me like I was crazy. I could tell he was thinking, “How could this nutbag pass up $1,000 just like that?” After a couple more confirmations that yes, I was indeed giving him the car, he sincerely thanked me and I was on my way. I had work to do, and I had less time than I thought. I looked at my phone and it was 11:00 a.m. Exactly 2 hours had passed. The video had just been posted.
On my way back to the range rover I hit a stroke of luck. About 20 feet ahead of me on the sidewalk an old homeless man was screaming something about him being in pain because of a cramp and something else about the coronavirus. This was the perfect opportunity. I whip out my camera and approach the old man. “Hey it’s ok man, it’s ok. It’s just stress. Relax. You’re fine. You’re just sitting here enjoying the world.” I helped him sit down on his stool. “You ok?” I asked. “Yeah, now I’m ok,” he replied. Wow. That worked out well. It wasn’t quite as magnificent, but it was the best modern day analogy to Jesus healing the sick I could have hoped for. That was a bonus I was not expecting.  
I hopped in my brand new range rover and decided it was time to call the police myself. I needed to make sure they were after me, and I thought I had a big enough head start. I conjured up my acting aura from within, dialed 911, and started speaking in some foreign accent that sounded like a combination of middle eastern and asian. “I watch YouTube video. Connor Murphy say he kill himself! He seem sad! I watch YouTube video. He give his address!” Apparently multiple people had already called. Let the games begin.Looking back on it they could have figured out it was me calling. I called from my own cell phone. But at the time, this wasn’t important. The important thing was that the cops were searching for me and I had proved I wanted to be arrested. It was time to take myself further off the grid. I loved the feeling. The feeling of being chased. The feeling of being on the run. It was like I was in a real life action movie.    
I drove west toward the coast. Next destination: Venice beach. I needed a disguise. I also had a favor to ask the ocean. Finding the disguise was easy. The Venice beach boardwalk is lined with small clothing and accessory shops. I found the perfect T-shirt. A black T-shirt with an image of the Buddha and the text, “Let that shit go.” That couldn’t have fit the true teachings of Jesus any better. I also snagged a hat and some sunglasses, tipped $100 as another good deed, told her to check out “Connor Murphy” on YouTube, and headed to the beach for my last step to fall off the grid: ditching my phone.
Most people are viciously addicted to their cell phone but don’t even realize it. It’s the cause of their numb dopamine receptors and chronic release of cortisol that’s aging them and making the real world appear boring. As I threw my phone into the ocean the couple walking by was astounded. “Was that your cell phone?” The guy asked. “Absolutely. I’m free! No cell phone!” I yelled ecstatically. Even though I wasn’t as addicted to my cellphone as most, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. No more text messages I have to worry about. No more checking my email. No more worrying about how many YouTube views on my recent video. The show kept on getting better and better.  
I spent the next several hours walking and driving through Venice, simply enjoying the day. The colors seemed vibrant, and nature seemed almost divine. I drove by the Venice canals and Marina Del Rey. Why had I not remembered Los Angeles being this gorgeous? The simple answer was I simply hadn’t been paying attention to the right things. My mind was clouded with thought. My ego had been blocking the beauty of the physical world. I headed back to Venice beach to hang out when someone familiar approached me. It was one of the employees from the shop where I had bought the T-shirt. “Hey my girlfriend has been talking to your friend.” Wait what? Did I just get caught up in some relationship drama? “Brett,” he said. “He’s worried about you.” Oh! Now it made sense. Apparently when I told the other employee to look me up on youtube she saw the “Goodbye” video and reached out to Brett. Brett was in a fairly current picture of mine so that was plausible. Wait. No way. This was too perfect. Brett was totally with the cops. Brett and the cops must be working together to find me. Brett is my best friend. If he leads the cops to me… Wow! That would be too perfect for my storyline. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking. Maybe Brett didn’t call the cops and just wants to make sure I’m safe by himself. If a friend turned me into the cops, that would be the ultimate addition to this story. It would match the most famous betrayal of all time: Judas turning Jesus into the authorities. Well, whether the cops are with him or not, might as well go chill at the shop and wait for Brett.
Connected to the left of the shop was a nice little sitting area - a perfect spot to get arrested. Now at this point I still wasn’t sure if the cops were going to come with Brett, but I was sure hoping so. I had gotten all the content I needed. I had done good deeds, spoke some teachings to the camera, and even performed a “miracle.” I had achieved everything I wanted much earlier than I thought I would. I was ready to move onto the next phase of the plan. About an hour later, Brett showed up. And to my delight, two cops showed up with him. This is too perfect, I thought. As the cops began to put me in handcuffs I whispered to Brett to take my wallet out of my pocket. Inside was an SD card with all the footage. It was too valuable to risk being taken from me. Somehow, the cops didn’t even notice. They threw me in their cop car, and took me over to the nearest station to be questioned. I might as well chill out till I get there, I thought. No reason to expend my energy and act too crazy yet. The cops seemed mildly confused. I was acting like a perfectly normal person. I seemed in no way suicidal. I told them my “Goodbye” video was simply a YouTube stunt. A dramatic acting reel to attract producers and help me break into the acting industry. I did say I was acting didn’t I? In fact, I seemed so normal during the ride over to the station that the two cops assured me I just had to answer a few questions and I’d be on my way. Little did they know, I had other plans.
We arrived at the station and after waiting for about an hour I was finally taken into the interrogation room. It seemed more like a jail cell to me. There was simply a bench and one window. The feeling was quite eerie but new and exciting at the same time. At this time the cops had talked to one another and the consensus was that I wasn’t crazy and should be released. I was simply acting for a YouTube video. So one cop along with a female interrogator stepped into the room, believing they’d ask me a few routine questions, and then I’d be on my way. “So Connor how are you feeling?” asked the female interrogator. “Wonderful,” I responded. “Never felt better.” “Any thoughts about hurting yourself recently?” she asked. “No of course not. Why would I want to do that?” I quickly replied. “Well,” she said, “We were just concerned about the video you posted earlier today. You said that it was just acting?” I could barely contain my excitement. In a situation like this, you’d think I’d be nervous, but I was about to have the most fun I’ve had since I was a kid. I could barely contain my laughter. “Yes,” I politely replied. “Of course it was just acting.” I paused for a moment then continued, “Or was it?” Both of them did a double take and turned their heads like a dog does when it hears a squeaky toy. With crazy eyes and sharp, sarcastic tone, I said, “How do you know I’m not acting right now? How do you know when anyone is acting? How can you really know if someone is suicidal? How can you tell if someone is being normal? What is normal? What if acting is the reality, not the falsehood? Everyone is just acting! No one is theirselves! The self doesn’t exist! I can be happy!” I said with a joyful smile. Then my face dropped into a deep frown. “I can be sad too.” I perked back up and became excited, “I can be literally whatever I want to be! I can be Connor Murphy the spiritual teacher, or I can be Connor Murphy the douchebag who always takes off his shirt in front of girls!” I immediately jumped on the bench, ripped off my shirt, and started flailing it around above my head, helicopter style. The interrogator and cop were stunned. They kept their cool though. “Ok Mr. Murphy, that’s all we need to see. Try to calm down please” said the interrogator. “I can’t!” I answered, “I feel incredible! I’m on top of the world!” That was all it took. They both left the room and started discussing what had just happened with the other cops there. It had worked. It was too easy. I could actually be whoever I wanted to be. I just pulled off acting like a crazy person. Hell, maybe I was crazy. I was sure crazy compared to the normal American since I was truly happy. But at least I was in perfect control of my craziness. Just as expected, a few minutes later I was put back in handcuffs and taken to Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center for further evaluation. This was going to be fun.  
I strolled through the automatic doors of the hospital confidently and nonchalantly with two officers guiding me on either side. With each hospital employee I passed on the way I gave a quick smile and a, “Hey how’s it going?” My mood was fantastic, very rare for someone being taken to the hospital “against his will.” First I was taken to a small room on the first floor to get my vitals checked. Then I was taken to a temporary holding room upstairs until a room in the ER opened up. At this time, COVID was still wreaking it’s havoc, so the hospital was flooded with patients. Finally, after a couple hours, I was taken to the ER, put on an uncomfortable hospital stretcher, and examined by the doctors. The first psychologist walked in. Yes, there would be more than one. I wasn’t going to make it easy on them. She was a pleasant looking young lady in her 30s. Although, I couldn’t tell exactly what she looked like. Every employee was wearing masks because of the virus. She asked me a few routine questions, and I gave her a few routine answers. I knew eventually I had to make things interesting, though. I wanted to be in here for 3 days, so I needed to act a little more crazy.
 “So,” asked the doctor, “have you thought about harming yourself recently?” What a great question, I thought. By answering this question I could simultaneously appear crazy and plant a spiritual seed in her mind that hopefully sprouts sometime in her lifetime. I doubted that would happen though. Doctors are some of the most difficult people to get on the spiritual path.
 “What do you mean?” I began, “The self is an illusion. There’s no self to hurt. The self simply doesn’t exist. It’s just a psychological construct in the mind. You’re a psychologist so you understand that, right?” She looked puzzled.
“So you’re saying you don’t believe you exist?” She asked.
“Of course I exist. That’s the only thing I can truly know is that I exist. My self, on the other hand, does not exist.” I retorted. To her, it’s like I was speaking another language. The language of crazy.
“Ok, ok,” she continued calmly. “Why don’t you think yourself exists?”
“Why do you think your self does exist?” I responded. “All your thoughts, emotions, and ideologies are simply transitory sensations that appear and go away like the wind. Your body changes everyday. There’s not a cell in your body that you had 10 years ago. Everything about your concept of yourself is impermanent. How can it be real?” She contemplated this for a minute then said,
“Well, I guess that’s just who I am. A constantly changing human.”
“Really?” I questioned, “That’s interesting because who I am hasn’t changed in the slightest since the beginning of the universe. I am permanent. I am eternal. That must be exhausting for you to keep changing all the time. Are you like a shapeshifter?” Her calm vibe switched over to slight irritation. After a few more minutes of this type of discussion, she gave up and said another doctor would come see me shortly.  
Shortly was the wrong word to use. I sat there at least for another hour chit chatting with the nurses. They were just as amused as the last doctor. Finally, the next doctor, who I assumed was a higher up doctor, came into the room. Or should I say rolled in the room? This doctor didn’t even come see me in the flesh. He was on a zoom call. I was about to talk to a mobile computer apparatus. It made me feel like I was in some scene of Star Wars. “What’s up R2D2?” I asked with a smirk.
“Not much, Connor. So, I heard some people have been worried about you?” he asked. Might as well turn it up a notch, I thought.
“Yeah I’m not sure why. Worry is such an unnecessary emotion. If you want, I can help you realize that you’re God and all your attachment to negative thought will disappear including the negative emotional feeling of worry. Realizing the truth that you’re actually God is the most freeing feeling you can possibly have.” I explained. Although this statement was completely true, in this context, it was the perfect way to make me look mentally insane.
“So you think you’re God?” He asked with concern.
I elaborated, “No, silly, I don’t think that I’m God. I’ve actually experienced that I’m God. I know that I’m God through direct experience. You can realize you’re God too.”  
“Why do you think you’re God?” He continued to question.
“Again, I don’t think I’m God. I know. I’m experiencing being God at this moment. If you got rid of your ego you could realize this incredible truth as well.” This conversation went on for much longer, although I doubt it needed to. This doctor knew they were going to hold me after the first  5 minutes of talking to me. The rest of the conversation seemed like a formality. He asked me about the “Goodbye” video I made. He wondered if I thought I was a danger to myself. In his mind, he already knew I was.
“How do you actually know I’m in danger of hurting my physical body? Hypothetically speaking, if I said I was going to cut off my own arm right now would you believe me? Nope. You wouldn’t. Don’t trust everything you hear, doc. Also, just curious, if I wanted to be put in a medically induced coma, could you do that? I want my time in this loony bin to go by as quickly as possible.” Everyone in the room just rolled their eyes. There was no more information to gain. I obviously needed to stay here. The doctor said I would need to be held overnight just to be safe, then rolled out of the room. That was easy.
The rest of the night consisted of nurses trying to get me to take antipsychotic medication. Yeah right. There was not a chance I’d be taking any of that. I absolutely loved where my mind was at. I didn’t want anything messing with it. In fact, I became so against western medicine for any other use than emergency, I wouldn’t have even taken an Advil for my sore back induced by my uncomfortable medical stretcher I was laying on. Wait a minute. Could they ever force me to take medication? I hadn’t even considered that but it immediately became my biggest fear. What if antipsychotics made me lose what I had gained in this awakening process? What if I went back to being normal? That is, after all, why antipsychotics seem to do. They normalize a person’s brain. There was nothing worse I could imagine than going back to normal. Normal was the cause of my suffering. In modern society, normal is the antithesis of happiness. I inquired about this to one of the nurses. They informed me that if I was held here long term, it was possible. The doctors have the ability to hold you until they believe you’re well and can function in the normal world. They start out holding you overnight, then if necessary they hold you for 72 hours. After that they can increase the holding time to 14 days if they deem it’s necessary. It’s during this 14 day hold they’re allowed to file for what’s known as a Riese Petition which could allow them to give you medication against your will. Before the Riese petition can go through, though, there’s a hearing where you get to defend your case. Phew, I thought. My mind was relieved. I would only be here for 72 hours. After that I’d start acting normal and they’d let me go. I was surprised at my momentary anxiety, though. The fear of being forced medication was the first negative emotional response induced by a negative thought that I had had since my awakening. It made sense, though. There was only one thing that could bring me down. There was only one thing that could take away the invincibility of my mind. And that was reprogramming the mind itself. I didn’t know exactly what antipsychotics would do, but they were the only thing I could think of with a chance to reprogram my mind back to normality. Antipsychotics became my one and only fear in the entire world. I reaffirmed that this would happen to me. I’m a great actor. I can act however I like. I can get out of here at any time. I will easily get out of here before they can force me to take medication. With that self affirmation, I laid down on my stretcher and fell asleep.
After I woke up in the morning, I eagerly waited for the doctor to come decide my fate. As I discovered from talking to the nurses, in two hours a doctor would stop by and either release me, or have me held for 72 hours. I attempted to syphon out as much information as I could from the nurses. Apparently, there was no need. The doctor will have already made up his mind before he comes and talks to me. After two of the longest feeling hours of my life, the doctor stepped through the door. My heart was racing. Hopefully I’d succeeded in acting crazy enough to be held for 3 more days. He asked me how I was feeling as if it had some effect on his decision. I decided to give him one last glimpse of craziness just in case. Excitedly I responded, “Incredible, doc! I’ve never felt better. I actually found last night super enjoyable. I mean seriously it was like I was in a movie!”
“Good, good,” replied the doctor. “So, unfortunately we’ve decided to hold you here for 72 hours just to make extra sure you’re ok. You’ll be moved to a room upstairs shortly.”
I felt like fiercely fist pumping like Tiger Woods after winning a major golf tournament, but I made sure to keep my cool.
“Aw really? How come?” I asked.
“Well,” responded the doctor, “You still seem to be in a mild state of mania. Your speech is still pressed and your thoughts seem to be happening too quickly.”
“Ah, I understand,” I reply.
As the doctor left the room I excitedly waited to be taken upstairs. As I had heard from the nurses, upstairs was quite the upgrade.
Three nurses wheelchaired me across the hospital and up the elevator. I’m not sure why it took 3 of them. Maybe they were worried I would try to escape. When I saw my new room though, I had no reason to want to. It was like a hotel room. It had a comfy adjustable bed, a nice desk, and a TV. This was going to be a relaxing 3 days. It felt like I was on vacation. A new nurse who worked on that floor came and introduced herself. She would be my main nurse for the day. She was a nice, soft spoken lady in her mid 60s with reddish blonde hair. After a brief introduction, she showed me around the floor. The floor was essentially made up of one hallway of patient rooms and one common area with snacks and games. I felt like I was at some sort of medically themed summer camp. After my quick orientation, I was free to hang out and do my own thing until dinner.
I decided I might as well make some friends. There must be some interesting people on this floor. Interesting was an understatement. Throughout my time in the psych ward I met some incredibly fascinating people. One guy spent his time watching movies and writing playscripts for those movies. He was an aftrican american man in his mid 30s and seemed extremely intelligent. In fact, I couldn’t figure out why he was in a psych ward. He ended up telling me he admitted himself into the psych ward after accidentally killing someone in a car accident. Later I found out he was on antipsychotic medication, though, so whether or not that’s true is still up for debate. There was also a young, dark featured hispanic guy with a drooling and marker sniffing problem. One day I watched this guy take a giant sniff of a green expo marker and stare into space in awe, as if he were having a vision. I asked him what he was seeing. He remained frozen for a moment then turned to me and said in a robotic tone, “Wifi.” I asked him how it felt. “Like ecstasy,” he replied. Most people would immediately dismiss a psych ward patient’s claim to see wifi waves. While I believe it’s unlikely, I don’t completely rule out the possibility. We know infrared and ultraviolet waves exist, we just can’t see them because our brain limits us to the visible spectrum. Could it be possible that this guy was damaging part of his brain that was the limiting factor behind vision outside of the visible spectrum? Maybe.
Another guy I met had a mind almost as interesting as his hair. He’d been in the psych ward for over a year and I doubt he’d had a haircut his entire visit. His thick, dark hair would have been close to shoulder length if it weren’t sticking straight up. He was about 5’10’’ tall but only 5’6’’ after his last haircut. Besides his hair, this guy seemed completely normal. He was extremely nice and polite and seemed to be good friends with many of the nurses there. Although, this might have been because he’s had over a year to build some good rapport. Again I struggled to see why he needed to be in a psych ward until I asked him about it. He was technically schizophrenic, but he literally only had one schizophrenic thought. Every so often he would have this uncontrollable thought to fall backwards, and he wasn’t able to control himself from listening to that thought. The nurses had to constantly watch over him to make sure he didn’t fall backwards and hurt himself. I found it mind boggling how a single thought could be so debilitating.  
The last guy who really caught my interest was this 250lb african american who simply could not stop talking to himself. As much as most people found this annoying, I found it intriguing. Literally anytime I saw this guy he was having a conversation with himself. This is no exaggeration. There was not a single time I saw him where he was quiet. What fascinated me was where these thoughts and ideas were coming from. He never seemed to repeat the same conversation. The conversation was always different. Growing up I was introverted, shy, and had a difficult time carrying on a conversation with anyone. This guy was the antithesis of my former self. While obviously not ideal for functioning in society, I had a great admiration for the freeness and unfiltered quality of this guy's conversational mind.
The first couple days in the ward were honestly enjoyable. It was like a vacation. Most of the day was spent relaxing, meditating, and watching TV, and food was brought right to me. Fairly decent food, too. The rest of the day was filled with group events designed to get people used to interacting in normal society. The entire floor would gather in the common area and do anything from talk about our feelings to painting. Throughout the day my nurse would ask me if I wanted my prescribed medication, but of course I refused. She’d always raise her eyebrows and sigh as if she knew something I didn’t. After a day of refusing medication, she sat me down and explained to me something that began to put a damper on my vacation.
“Connor, you’re not going to get out of here without taking your medication.”
“What do you mean?” I replied. “My 72 hours is up tomorrow. I’m totally fine and I’ll be sure to show the doctor I”m back to normal.”
She gave me another too familiar sigh.
“People just don’t get out of here without taking medication. If you don’t take it, they're going to hold you here until you do.”
I made sure to act as normal as I could and said, “But I'm perfectly fine. I’m back to normal. Won’t the doctor see that?”
“I understand,” she replied. “But that’s not how things work around here. It’s their job to treat you, and that’s what they’re going to do.”
I began to realize I’d be here longer than 72 hours. Not to worry though, I thought. Although I’d be missing the mark on the whole “rising on the 3rd day” thing, the longer I was in here the more suspense would build on the internet about me.
“I guess I’ll have to wait until I win the Riese Petition hearing then, huh?” I said half rhetorically.
The nurse shook her head. “I don’t think you understand. It’s extremely rare to win the hearing. In the hearing it’s you against your doctor. They almost always side with the doctor. I can’t remember the last time a patient won in a hearing.”
Not good. My blissful vacation turned into what I felt like was becoming a psychological horror movie. Could the system really be that rigged that they could force me to take medication even when I’m completely ok? I wouldn’t let myself fully believe it though. After all, most hearings I’m sure involved patients that really did need medication. I felt totally in my right mind. Surely the judge would be able to see that, right? I didn’t care if the odds were slim, I was determined to win the hearing. It was more to me than possibly losing the incredible mental state I was in by taking anti-psychotic medication. I felt like I was fighting for a basic human right. Giving up and taking the medication would feel like pleading guilty to a crime I didn’t commit. I tried to be optimistic. Maybe the nurse was wrong. Tomorrow is the end of the 72 hours. Maybe in the morning if I act normal enough, the doctor will let me go.
That thinking was severely optimistic to say the least. As I conversed with the doctor in the morning, it was clear his mind was already made up. He decided to hold me for 14 days. His reasoning? I was still manic. I still had too elevated of a mood and pressed speech. I began to realize how corrupt this protocol was. It didn’t matter how I was acting at all. My behavior wasn’t taken into account in the slightest. The only thing that mattered was if I’d taken my medication or not. I attempted to reason with the doctor. I tried to show him that I can behave in a perfectly normal way. I showed him how calm I could be and how slow I could speak. I talked to him in the most calm tone possible, even erring on the side of sounding slightly depressed. Anything to make him realize I wasn’t manic.
“Look… doctor… I… feel… completely… back… to… normal… I… promise… I... would… really appreciate.. it… if… you… could… release… me… today…” I quietly pleaded.
It didn’t matter. His mind had already been made up. Wow. What a rigged game. I began to realize I overestimated my ability to manipulate the psychiatric system. My skill was acting. I was able to act crazy, and I was able to act normal. The problem was, once you’re in the ward, how you act has absolutely no significance until you take medication. Only after you start your medication do they start taking your behavior into account. Now that they had me there for 14 days, they were legally able to file a Riese petition. My hearing was in 5 days.
The doctor gave me a piece of paper as an official notice of my 14 day hold. As I ready the notice I was shocked. At the bottom of the notice the doctor was required to give his reasoning for holding me for 14 days. I was absolutely astounded by what he said. Here is the full text straight from the notice of why the doctor still considered me a danger to myself:
Patient demonstrates a marked alteration in his mental state compared with previous months, specifically with at least 1 week of grandiose and delusional thought content that he is god, enlightened, with a special understanding of finding peace in the world, committed to sharing this message with his followers, and ending his life in order to prove he is God or God-like. This led to him writing a suicide note, and a youtube video stating that he had disappointed his family and communicating intent to die, vaguely referencing a short amount of pain in the bath tub to accomplish this. In the hospital, denied active SI but continues with thought content about needing to die to prove he is God and needing redirection an emergency medication for nonsensical and disorganized thinking and erratic behavior like trying to scale an exterior wall and being pulled to safety by staff. Further, he has not identified meaningful steps to be successful in translating a safety plan outside of the hospital besieged, “return to Austin Texas’ and has a lease expiring. 
What.The. Fuck. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt angry before this moment. The entire paragraph was either a blatant lie or completely taken out of context. Yes, of course I believe I am God. I believe everyone is God, or the collective consciousness of the universe. That’s simply panpsychism. Although I know it’s the truth, any intellectual should at least be able to recognize it as a philosophical ideology. But nope. Not here. Here thinking outside the status quo is considered delusional. The thing that really frustrated me was how he said I needed to end my life in order to prove I’m God or God-like. This was either a blatant lie or complete speculation. I never once gave ANY reason for wanting to end my life after the goodbye video, and the goodbye video certainly didn’t say I was doing it to prove I was God. How does that even make sense? How could killing myself possibly show that I’m God? The statement was simply false. There’s no other way to put it. Another frustrating part was the gross exaggeration of when I tried to “scale an exterior wall.” I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Let me tell you what actually happened. Everyday we get to go outside on the deck. Part of the deck is surrounded by the building and part of it is surrounded by a 20 foot glass wall. I jokingly asked one of the nurses on duty, “Hey you thinking I could climb this wall and escape?” It was so obviously a joke. I said it with a smirk. I chuckled afterwards. The nurse simply said “No, don’t do that.” There was absolutely no “being pulled to safety by staff.” There wouldn’t even be a reason to pull anyone to safety. It’s a 20 foot glass wall. You literally can’t climb it at all. You wouldn’t be able to get further off the ground than how high you could jump. And finally the last frustrating part was how I hadn’t translated a safety plan outside the hospital. This was just straight up a blatant lie. There’s no other way to put it. I had explicitly told the doctor my discharge plan. The part about my lease expiring implied I didn’t have anywhere to go and my “lack of plans” for after the hospital was evidence of my suicidal intent. The issue with this though, is that my near future was well planned out. Not just in my mind, but there was all kinds of documentation. I explicitly told them I had a leasing contract at my new place in Austin. Not only that, but I had just recently bought a new car in Austin and had a flight booked. I went over this with the doctor multiple times. Either he has severe memory loss and should be admitted to his own psych ward, or blatantly lied. I believe the latter is more probable.
I began to feel a little more confident about the hearing. Surely I would be able to refute the claims the doctor made in the notice. I even have documented proof some of his claims were wrong. The next several days I went into lawyer mode. I gathered all the evidence to support me I could find and constantly ran potential hearing debates in my head. The more I thought about it, the more confident I got. When it comes to everything the doctor wrote about me in the notice, there was not a chance he would win in an argument against me. My competitive nature was coming out and it actually got me excited for the hearing in 5 days.
The night before the hearing I was so nervous I couldn’t fall asleep. Every night patients’ sleep is monitored, so I had to close my eyes and pretend to be asleep by 11pm or else risk my lack of sleep being held against me in the hearing. I layed there for the next 4 hours perfecting my arguments in my head. That morning one of the nurses came and got me and took me into a conference room. Sitting there was my doctor and a computer. The two of us were about to have a zoom call with the judge. The doctor and I awkwardly waited for the zoom call to begin. He seemed just as nervous as me. Although he’s probably never lost a hearing in his life, he knew I came prepared, and he knew my argument was going to be much more logical and effective than most patients he deals with. Although he would never admit it, this was a competition and both of us would do anything to win. At the time I had no idea how far he would go, though. I sunk into the present moment and got into a relaxed state of mind. I needed to seem as not manic as possible. If anything, I was going to err on the side of appearing slightly depressed. After a few minutes a middle aged blonde lady popped up on the screen. She seemed nice enough. I desperately hoped she was just as open minded. The protocol for the hearing was simple: the doctor explains why I should be forced to take medication, and then I get a chance to respond. I assumed the doctor would essentially just read what he wrote on my 14 day hold notice. I was wrong. He came with extra ammunition.
I knew the main topic of debate was going to be the goodbye video. My plan was to say it was just an acting reel. I even said I was acting in the video. This was probably my best piece of evidence. She didn’t have to take my word for it. The video was all over the internet. She could look it up to verify I said I was acting. The doctor easily predicted this, so he made sure this wouldn’t happen. As expected, most of his statement was straight off the 14 day hold notice. But while talking about the goodbye video, he added an unexpected addendum.
“Connor claims he said he was just acting in the goodbye video, but personally watched the video online and nowhere in the video did he say he was acting ” he told the judge.
My jaw dropped. It was a blatant lie. There was no way around it. I said I was acting at the beginning of the video. It was the first thing I said. There was no way to miss it. Either the doctor didn’t look up the video at all, or he lied about me saying I was acting. Either way it was glaringly dishonest. I had an intense urge to interrupt as soon as those fraudulent words left his mouth. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to speak up and call him a liar. I had to remain calm though. The calmer I was, the higher chance I had at appearing psychologically stable, so I bit my tongue. After all, I’d get my chance to speak. In just a few minutes I’d be able to have the judge look up the video and see I did indeed say I was acting. The doctor would be completely discredited. My frustration with his lie turned into excitement. He just made it easy on me. How could the judge trust anything the doctor said after I prove he lied? After a few more minutes of restlessness, it was my turn to talk. As calmly as I could, I explained the truth to the judge.
“So the first thing I want to say, is that I was acting in the video. I explicitly said I was acting at the start of the video. We can look it up. It will take 30 seconds.”
“That won’t be necessary,” replied the judge. “Continue please.”  
That won’t be necessary? Are you kidding me? I was so confused. My thoughts were racing. How is it not necessary? It’s the most necessary thing to do in this debate. In 30 seconds you could settle the most important conflicting part of our stories. How on earth could that not matter? Did she assume I’m lying and take the doctor’s word for it? Even if that were the case what could it hurt to take 30 seconds to find out for sure? Or was her decision already made up? Maybe it doesn’t matter no matter what I say. After all, apparently I’m having a psychotic episode according to the doctor. Why would she believe anything I say? But if that were true, why were we even having this hearing?
I continued with all my other points. I explained how “trying to escape” was a joke taken out of context and how I have a detailed and documented plan for after my release. She halfheartedly pretended to be listening. Most of the time she didn’t even look at me. Her eyes were on a piece of paper she was writing on which probably had nothing to do with what I was telling her. I could have debated all day, but soon I hopelessly realized there was no debate. There was never a debate. There was literally nothing I could say that would get me out of taking the medication. I was treated as inferior to the doctor. Everything he said held weight and held value while everything I said was completely disregarded. It was completely rigged. A formality. That’s all the hearing seemed to be. It was protocol. The hearing adds a false sense of fairness to the system. There’s nothing fair about it though. It doesn’t have to be fair legally. The whole hearing process takes place within the jurisdiction of the hospital. The judge didn’t even make an attempt to be fair. After pretending to listen to what I had to say, the judge ordered me to take olanzapine, an antipsychotic, every night. If I refused, the nurses were allowed to hold me down and inject me with it.
I felt trapped. I felt like I had no control over myself anymore. It was like they owned me now. In fact, they had owned me for a week, I just hadn’t realized it. I couldn't get over how corrupt the system was. Apparently I could appeal the decision to the actual court, but I felt so defeated I didn’t have it in me to try. It would take up to another week for the appeal hearing to take place, and I was worried the outcome would be the same. Even though the appeal hearing takes place in front of an actual judge and could possibly be more fair, I was terrified what else the doctor had up his sleeve. For all I know he’d bring the best medical lawyers in the world to the appeal hearing. Also, if I decided to appeal, I’d most likely be delaying me getting out of there by a week. If I just took the medication, I could be out of there by the time the appeal hearing would have started. And if I lose the appeal hearing, I would have to take the medication anyway plus I would have wasted an entire extra week. The decision was painful. Taking the medication wouldn’t just risk the potency of my inner peace, but it would also come with the feeling of completely submitting to a corrupt system. I would feel like a slave. I realized this was my ego creeping back, though. If feeling like a slave gets me to freedom quicker, so be it. The greater issue was the uncertainty of how the medication would affect my mind. The doctor estimated I’d be on the medication for about a week before being released if everything goes well. Being there for the entire next 14 days wasn’t necessarily a must. But then again how could I trust a word he says?
I asked the nurses what I should do. They all believed if I took the medication and behaved well, I’d be out within a week like the doctor said. They also tried to ease my mind about the possible effects of the medication. They thought I was being overly paranoid and that it wouldn’t affect my mind as much as I was worried it would. They had never had a spiritual awakening though. It was the word “antipsychotic” that worried me. Relative to the way the average person perceives the world, living in a state of non-duality could be considered psychotic. The average person in America is an unconscious robotic zombie, and I was terrified the medication was designed to make me think like an average person. Maybe I was being overly paranoid though, I thought. After all, when I stop taking the medication after I get out I’ll get back to this more enlightened state of mind right? Or will I? I don’t know. I’ve never had a spiritual awakening before. I have no idea how this works. Maybe it would just be like a setback, I thought. I would lose some sense of my spirituality but then be able to gain it right back, like taking a month off from the gym. I began to try rationalizing taking the medication in my head because at this point, I just wanted to get out of this prison as soon as possible.
Just like every night, that night one of the nurses came to my room and said it was time for my medication. This night was different though. I took the olanzapine pill and swallowed it. The nurse made me open my mouth and move around my tongue to make sure I didn’t fake taking it. As I knew she would, she very thoroughly inspected my mouth. Trust me, if I thought I could fake taking my medication, I would have faked it. But there’s no way around it. They know every trick in the book. The olanzapine was now in my system and would soon make it into my bloodstream. I nervously laid down in bed and waited to see what happened. Before I could notice anything, I drifted off to sleep.          
I woke up at 9am the next morning, two hours later than usual. I immediately sat up and examined how I felt. I was sluggish that was for sure. That one little pill had put me out for a little over 10 hours straight. All my knowledge that I was worried about retaining was still there though. I still felt happy, but my energy was lower. The feeling was oddly familiar both physically and mentally. It was the feeling I would get after a giant cheat meal. The feeling of a carb coma. Brain fog and lethargy. Overall I was content with how I was feeling given the circumstances. I tried not to get too optimistic, though. It had only been 10 hours since I started taking the medication. It most likely takes at least a few days to start seeing the full effects. But I had a good feeling it wouldn’t affect me as much as I had worried. If the medication puts me into a severe carb coma state, that’s cool with me. I’ve never lost any spiritual insight from being in a carb coma.
Just to be safe I decided to start writing some YouTube video scripts in case my brain got more foggy from the medication. While I was confident I wouldn’t lose the knowledge I wanted to retain, I wasn’t positive I’d be able to explain it as well in the future. I grabbed a composition notebook and a few colored pencils from one of the nurses and sat down at my desk to write. There were a few different scripts I had to write, the most important one being the script for the video where I reveal the entire plan. I decided I needed a few supplementary videos to go along with that video as well, though. For the final reveal video to really make an impact, there was a lot of information people needed to understand, and it wouldn’t be effective to try and cram everything into one video. I decided to dedicate an entire video to explaining the idea of Jesus being a spiritual teacher and faking his death. That way I didn’t need to go in detail in the reveal video. I also decided to make a video about the fear of death and how it impacts the world. I also wrote a script for a video about the connections between spiritual, physical, and mental health. These three videos were designed to plant seeds in the heads of the viewers and prepare them for the final reveal video. It would increase the likelihood of the final video making complete sense and really shatter some paradigms.
Over the next few days I closely monitored how I felt. Overall, I was pleased to find I didn’t revert back to a zombie-like unconscious human like I had feared. The effects of the medication were far from positive, though. Each day I felt my brain become foggier and foggier and my energy continued to decrease. While all my thoughts were still there, it took longer for me to retrieve them when I wanted to. If you think of the brain as a computer, it was like all my saved documents and data were still there but my processor was downgraded from an intel core i9 to an intel core i3. I noticed during conversation and writing my thoughts didn’t smoothly flow into words like they used to. There was a delay between my thoughts and words that wasn’t there previously. I had to spend more time in my head than beforehand. I definitely should have started writing these video scripts sooner, I thought. While the content would have most likely been close to the same, I’d have been able to finish them twice as fast.
Every morning the doctor would make his rounds and check in on me. Since I was taking my medication, he might actually pay attention to my behavior, I thought. I started brainstorming the optimal behavior patterns to be released the quickest. There was a bipolar girl in the group who was scheduled to be released. She’d been in the psych ward for a week or two because of a manic episode. I decided it would make sense to examine her behavior and possibly replicate aspects of it since however she was behaving was good enough for her to be released. One thing I noticed when I talked to her is she always complained about being bored and really wanting to get out into the real world again. That was something I couldn’t really relate with. While of course I wanted to get back to the real world, at that point I had never really felt bored. Much of the psych ward experience was extremely interesting. I would keep myself busy by writing video scripts or even just my thoughts and ideas. If I had nothing at all to do, I would simply meditate. Like I’ve talked about before, boredom is simply a lack of attention. It’s an unnatural phenomenon caused primarily by the overstimulation of today’s society. Ever since I really got into meditation, I’ve never really been bored. I became curious. Is boredom a good sign in the eyes of the doctor? After all boredom is “normal” right? I decided to test out my theory. The next morning when the doctor asked how I was doing, instead of replying with something like, “Great! Yesterday was interesting…” I said “To be honest I’m feeling pretty bored.” Even though he was wearing a COVID mask I could tell he started to smile.
“I’m glad you’re feeling bored. That’s showing progress,” he responded.
Wow. Are you kidding me? Although I expected this response it took all of my willpower to hide my frustration. We live in a world where it’s normal to be bored. If we’re not overstimulated by some unnatural technology and aren’t bored, it’s considered a mental disorder. How on earth is enjoying life with less stimulation considered a negative quality to have? It’s such a shame modern psychiatrics is concerned with getting you back to “normal” rather than thriving. If I was someone who got bored all the time and met someone who never got bored, I would want to learn from them, not “fix” them. This short interaction with the doctor reinforced in my mind how backwards the mental health care system is. The good news, though, was I was starting to understand how the doctors wanted me to act. I was closer to getting out of this place.  
Little did I know, I would never escape the psychiatric ward that was my tortured soul. RIP Connor Murphy.